Scared to start new relationship... please help
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
Tatertot,
A relationship is supposed to enrich our lives. When you say you have given thought to what you need from this fellow you came up with nothing. Emotional support, (you get that from your family) physically or financially from him. A healthy relationship between two emotionally healthy people is about being there for each other on every level when need arises and without unconditional emotional support from each other, there can't be any intimacy. You are lucky to have a family who provides you with emotional support, but as adults we are supposed to move away from them as our core support system.
I also find it intersting that you recognize that he is so"outside the norm of men you are normally attracted to". Have you given this some more exploration? There are many men out there that have good energy, genuine-ness, a sparkle in their eye, smiles etc.that aren't alcoholic/addicts.
I applaude everyone who commits themselves to sobriety and make the decision to turn their lives around, but as you will likely learn as you get to know this man, there is much more below the facade. Alcoholics/Addicts don't become such because they liked to party. They/we don't have the ability to cope with life on the simplest of terms and mental health issues abound, Depression, Bi Polar etc., the inabilty to care adequately for oneself, hold long term employment, jail time, homelessness. I wish you well Tator, I really do, but I can assure you, there is more behind the smiles and the sparkle in his eyes. Getting and staying sober isn't enough to turn ones life around. It's a start, but by far not enough.
A relationship is supposed to enrich our lives. When you say you have given thought to what you need from this fellow you came up with nothing. Emotional support, (you get that from your family) physically or financially from him. A healthy relationship between two emotionally healthy people is about being there for each other on every level when need arises and without unconditional emotional support from each other, there can't be any intimacy. You are lucky to have a family who provides you with emotional support, but as adults we are supposed to move away from them as our core support system.
I also find it intersting that you recognize that he is so"outside the norm of men you are normally attracted to". Have you given this some more exploration? There are many men out there that have good energy, genuine-ness, a sparkle in their eye, smiles etc.that aren't alcoholic/addicts.
I applaude everyone who commits themselves to sobriety and make the decision to turn their lives around, but as you will likely learn as you get to know this man, there is much more below the facade. Alcoholics/Addicts don't become such because they liked to party. They/we don't have the ability to cope with life on the simplest of terms and mental health issues abound, Depression, Bi Polar etc., the inabilty to care adequately for oneself, hold long term employment, jail time, homelessness. I wish you well Tator, I really do, but I can assure you, there is more behind the smiles and the sparkle in his eyes. Getting and staying sober isn't enough to turn ones life around. It's a start, but by far not enough.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Do I need ANYTHING from any guy? And the answer I come up with is a resounding NO.
I want to challenge you on this point. I understand where are coming from as far as being independent. You are looking at financial, emotional (which I question) and physical support. Do you need honesty, respect, trust, compassion, equality, commitment, rationality, reasonable expectations? These are things that some addicts don't demonstrate. Anyone can show the opposite of these things, but it is more prevalent in A relationships.
Addictive personalities require a ton of time, patience, acceptance and understanding. This sounds healthy and good, but over time unless someone is working a program daily and sincerely this becomes your life. It takes time away from you, your work, your family, your friends, interests, your everything. This is one area where your sanity gets rocked and reality gets confused. I lost myself dealing with this and I had no idea I had. Detachment is important, so be aware his issues might become your issues. You seem like you want to help others and this is a MAJOR trait with most of us here. We helped our A's. However, helping A's actually does both them and you a disservice and increases codependence between you two.
Don't want to freak you out, but think about why you want to take on this for someone you hardly know.
I want to challenge you on this point. I understand where are coming from as far as being independent. You are looking at financial, emotional (which I question) and physical support. Do you need honesty, respect, trust, compassion, equality, commitment, rationality, reasonable expectations? These are things that some addicts don't demonstrate. Anyone can show the opposite of these things, but it is more prevalent in A relationships.
Addictive personalities require a ton of time, patience, acceptance and understanding. This sounds healthy and good, but over time unless someone is working a program daily and sincerely this becomes your life. It takes time away from you, your work, your family, your friends, interests, your everything. This is one area where your sanity gets rocked and reality gets confused. I lost myself dealing with this and I had no idea I had. Detachment is important, so be aware his issues might become your issues. You seem like you want to help others and this is a MAJOR trait with most of us here. We helped our A's. However, helping A's actually does both them and you a disservice and increases codependence between you two.
Don't want to freak you out, but think about why you want to take on this for someone you hardly know.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Well put Ms. Fixit.
We all have needs, having needs is Ok. That is different then being needy. It is how we address our needs that matters. And those in recovery are focused on their needs and have to be selfish about it or they run the risk of relapse.
As those who care about them, our strength & energy is not finite, no matter how independent or capable you are. You will also need to tend your own emotional self and caring about someone in recovery takes A LOT out of you. That is why going slow is best.
Really get to know the person and their capacity to give back; it may increase over time but in very tiny increments. But it is hard to give back when you are focused on recovery. That is the reality. Maybe in time when he is stronger or at a better place, you can invest more but right now, you need to have strong boundaries (i.e. caring from a distance).
And if that is too late then it is important to communicate all this. Dealing with emotions is also a huge struggle for addicts. It is why they turned to substances because of not being able to deal with emotions. At times in recovery they become overwhelmed, distant, moody; because they are trying to cope without taking the easy way out (hitting the bottle/drug).
All just food for thought.
We all have needs, having needs is Ok. That is different then being needy. It is how we address our needs that matters. And those in recovery are focused on their needs and have to be selfish about it or they run the risk of relapse.
As those who care about them, our strength & energy is not finite, no matter how independent or capable you are. You will also need to tend your own emotional self and caring about someone in recovery takes A LOT out of you. That is why going slow is best.
Really get to know the person and their capacity to give back; it may increase over time but in very tiny increments. But it is hard to give back when you are focused on recovery. That is the reality. Maybe in time when he is stronger or at a better place, you can invest more but right now, you need to have strong boundaries (i.e. caring from a distance).
And if that is too late then it is important to communicate all this. Dealing with emotions is also a huge struggle for addicts. It is why they turned to substances because of not being able to deal with emotions. At times in recovery they become overwhelmed, distant, moody; because they are trying to cope without taking the easy way out (hitting the bottle/drug).
All just food for thought.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 120
Do you need honesty, respect, trust, compassion, equality, commitment, rationality, reasonable expectations? These are things that some addicts don't demonstrate. Anyone can show the opposite of these things, but it is more prevalent in A relationships.
Good point MissFixit... of course those are all natural wants/needs in a relationship and I suppose since I have always had those in my relationships that I simply assumed that they would naturally be there... but of course my extremely limited experience with addicts/alcoholics has not exposed me to a world where these things are not the norm... thank you for bringing that to my attention. As I mentioned I always give people the benefit of the doubt, so I would probably go into this assuming that all those characteristics would be there, but I might keep a sharper eye out to see if some of these things are lacking... I guess the honesty and trust are the biggest ones there...
I really hope it's not wrong of me to assume that people are "innocent until proven guilty" rather than vice versa... I just can't help it, I need to have faith and trust that people are generally good.
You are lucky to have a family who provides you with emotional support, but as adults we are supposed to move away from them as our core support system.
GerryP, I have to disagree with you here... I don't think it's written anywhere that we are supposed to move away from our families as our support systems... I moved out of my parents house when I was 18 (moved clear across the country) and I have even at one point been disowned by them... but we managed to work through everything and now we are closer than we've ever been. I talk to my mom about (most) everything... I work with my dad... they are my best support system. Your parents will be there for you through everything, they may not always understand your choices and decisions, but they will support you. At least mine do and I thank God every day for them.
I applaude everyone who commits themselves to sobriety and make the decision to turn their lives around, but as you will likely learn as you get to know this man, there is much more below the facade.
I'm definitely sure there is more to him than what I have seen so far. And the simple fact that I LIKE what I have seen so far is the whole reason I want to get to know him better.
I do understand everyone's warnings and hesitations and that you really only mean well for me, and I appreciate that to no end. I am also very, very sorry that you all had to go through the experiences that you have in order to get where you are today. And I completely understand the wanting to warn others about the mistakes that you made, I do the same thing in other circumstances. For instance I will always advise against marrying your best friend. I did that and I found out the hard way that it wasn't enough. You need to have passion and excitement and a desire for each other as well. Just being friends is not good enough. (But that's a whole other issue LOL!)
But it really just makes me so sad to hear these stories. There is not even one success story out of all the people that have read this post? Not one? Then I have to ask what do these men (and women) have to look forward to? What are they doing this for? If no one will give them a chance? It is very disheartening. It's as if they have been condemned for life even though they have made the decision to turn their lives around and try to be more productive members of society.
I understand that relapse rates are somewhat high and that there are unfortunately stories like Jazzman's sister out there. But surely all these people are not doomed to fail, are they? If they are then why are there even rehab facilities in the first place? Why don't they all just close their doors and say "well we gave it a shot... sucks to be them..." There surely must be SOME hope left for SOME people... isn't there?
I'm sorry, it just hurts my heart to have to give up on people without ever having given them a real chance to prove themselves. Is all hope dead for these brave souls?
Good point MissFixit... of course those are all natural wants/needs in a relationship and I suppose since I have always had those in my relationships that I simply assumed that they would naturally be there... but of course my extremely limited experience with addicts/alcoholics has not exposed me to a world where these things are not the norm... thank you for bringing that to my attention. As I mentioned I always give people the benefit of the doubt, so I would probably go into this assuming that all those characteristics would be there, but I might keep a sharper eye out to see if some of these things are lacking... I guess the honesty and trust are the biggest ones there...
I really hope it's not wrong of me to assume that people are "innocent until proven guilty" rather than vice versa... I just can't help it, I need to have faith and trust that people are generally good.
You are lucky to have a family who provides you with emotional support, but as adults we are supposed to move away from them as our core support system.
GerryP, I have to disagree with you here... I don't think it's written anywhere that we are supposed to move away from our families as our support systems... I moved out of my parents house when I was 18 (moved clear across the country) and I have even at one point been disowned by them... but we managed to work through everything and now we are closer than we've ever been. I talk to my mom about (most) everything... I work with my dad... they are my best support system. Your parents will be there for you through everything, they may not always understand your choices and decisions, but they will support you. At least mine do and I thank God every day for them.
I applaude everyone who commits themselves to sobriety and make the decision to turn their lives around, but as you will likely learn as you get to know this man, there is much more below the facade.
I'm definitely sure there is more to him than what I have seen so far. And the simple fact that I LIKE what I have seen so far is the whole reason I want to get to know him better.
I do understand everyone's warnings and hesitations and that you really only mean well for me, and I appreciate that to no end. I am also very, very sorry that you all had to go through the experiences that you have in order to get where you are today. And I completely understand the wanting to warn others about the mistakes that you made, I do the same thing in other circumstances. For instance I will always advise against marrying your best friend. I did that and I found out the hard way that it wasn't enough. You need to have passion and excitement and a desire for each other as well. Just being friends is not good enough. (But that's a whole other issue LOL!)
But it really just makes me so sad to hear these stories. There is not even one success story out of all the people that have read this post? Not one? Then I have to ask what do these men (and women) have to look forward to? What are they doing this for? If no one will give them a chance? It is very disheartening. It's as if they have been condemned for life even though they have made the decision to turn their lives around and try to be more productive members of society.
I understand that relapse rates are somewhat high and that there are unfortunately stories like Jazzman's sister out there. But surely all these people are not doomed to fail, are they? If they are then why are there even rehab facilities in the first place? Why don't they all just close their doors and say "well we gave it a shot... sucks to be them..." There surely must be SOME hope left for SOME people... isn't there?
I'm sorry, it just hurts my heart to have to give up on people without ever having given them a real chance to prove themselves. Is all hope dead for these brave souls?
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
I agree that people are generally good, but addiction can bring out the absolute worst in people. You've never had a front row seat to what many people here have lived, hopefully you never will because I would not wish that on anyone. There are people here that have lost loved ones to alcoholism. I buried my ex-wife last September. Stick around long enough and you'll see loved ones of members die. This is serious ****. I'm not insinuating you don't recognize this, just trying to make a point.
Brave souls? Having once beaten a cocaine addiction back in the 80s I would consider myself as "overcoming a debilitating addiction", but nothing so romanticized as a "brave soul". I was stupid to put myself in that situation and getting straight was simply the right thing to do. Was it hard? Sure, but I'm no hero. I was an idiot, not a victim.
There are success stories of addicts who get clean and stay clean, move on and live healthy lives. You just don't see many of their loved ones posting on this forum. Most folks here are at their wits end.
Brave souls? Having once beaten a cocaine addiction back in the 80s I would consider myself as "overcoming a debilitating addiction", but nothing so romanticized as a "brave soul". I was stupid to put myself in that situation and getting straight was simply the right thing to do. Was it hard? Sure, but I'm no hero. I was an idiot, not a victim.
There are success stories of addicts who get clean and stay clean, move on and live healthy lives. You just don't see many of their loved ones posting on this forum. Most folks here are at their wits end.
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Join Date: May 2008
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I see that you are a very kind and compassionate person Tator, Bless your heart.
I'm getting a real sense that you feel that you have to take your now friendship with this man to the next level, or you are not being fair or giving him a chance. Getting involved with an addict is a whole other dimension. I don't want to repeat what I have already posted, but I have been sober 5 years and I have first hand experience in how difficult getting sober is and getting a life back . I spent 2.5 years in AA and I saw first hand the challenges other alcoholics lived. The success rate is less than 3%. Also the reason rehab facilities don't close their doors is because it's a Billion dollar businesses. The average stay of 28 days at a private rehab. facility is $35,000.
I was lucky in that I still had some semblance of my business left once I got sober, but after 5 years of rebuilding it, I still have a distance to go.
Do you know what your friends life was during the last 25 years? Was he gainfully employed? Did he have a home, did he have a family and network of friends? I ask this only because he may be limited in how much he will be cap able of. This is just the reality of things Tator.
BTW, when I posted that adults are supposed to move away from their parents 'as their core ('Core' being the operative word) support system" It related to your comment of not needing emotional support in your relationship because you had your parents and sister.
Tator, I wish you well. I do, but can't you just be a good friend to him without taking it further? In doing so, you may be more helpful to him in the long run. Does he have a Sponsor? If he does, I'm sure he would be advised against any relationship beyond a friendship.
I'm getting a real sense that you feel that you have to take your now friendship with this man to the next level, or you are not being fair or giving him a chance. Getting involved with an addict is a whole other dimension. I don't want to repeat what I have already posted, but I have been sober 5 years and I have first hand experience in how difficult getting sober is and getting a life back . I spent 2.5 years in AA and I saw first hand the challenges other alcoholics lived. The success rate is less than 3%. Also the reason rehab facilities don't close their doors is because it's a Billion dollar businesses. The average stay of 28 days at a private rehab. facility is $35,000.
I was lucky in that I still had some semblance of my business left once I got sober, but after 5 years of rebuilding it, I still have a distance to go.
Do you know what your friends life was during the last 25 years? Was he gainfully employed? Did he have a home, did he have a family and network of friends? I ask this only because he may be limited in how much he will be cap able of. This is just the reality of things Tator.
BTW, when I posted that adults are supposed to move away from their parents 'as their core ('Core' being the operative word) support system" It related to your comment of not needing emotional support in your relationship because you had your parents and sister.
Tator, I wish you well. I do, but can't you just be a good friend to him without taking it further? In doing so, you may be more helpful to him in the long run. Does he have a Sponsor? If he does, I'm sure he would be advised against any relationship beyond a friendship.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
I never said I had a bad story 
My situation is quite similar to yours actually but he and I have a shared past (pre-addiction) so I am probably more patient because of it.
And each personal story with addiction/recovery is unique. I agree, people should be given a chance but it takes a very strong person to withstand the downside of falling for a person soon in recovery.
It is almost like a rebirth for them and they have to learn to cope, live and function sober which we take for granted but for them it is a re-learning process. Many people do make it and go on to form healthy relationships but it is a long road. Going through with recovery also requires strength and focus which are very admirable qualities in a person provided the person is serious about it. In any relationship, there are not guarantees, this is true. The problem with addiction/recovery is that the stakes are so much higher if things go wrong.
My only piece of advice (and the advice of many here) is to not rush into anything. And the people who are most helpful are those who have actually been through the recovery process; they can really give good incite into what it feels like and what to maybe expect. That is the info I have found most helpful on these boards.
Feel free to message me if you'd like. In spite of having a relatively 'safe' story (so far but I am a realist), there are some very tough moments I still have regardless of how 'positive' the situation is. Maybe you may find it helpful.
Best of luck!
My situation is quite similar to yours actually but he and I have a shared past (pre-addiction) so I am probably more patient because of it. And each personal story with addiction/recovery is unique. I agree, people should be given a chance but it takes a very strong person to withstand the downside of falling for a person soon in recovery.
It is almost like a rebirth for them and they have to learn to cope, live and function sober which we take for granted but for them it is a re-learning process. Many people do make it and go on to form healthy relationships but it is a long road. Going through with recovery also requires strength and focus which are very admirable qualities in a person provided the person is serious about it. In any relationship, there are not guarantees, this is true. The problem with addiction/recovery is that the stakes are so much higher if things go wrong.
My only piece of advice (and the advice of many here) is to not rush into anything. And the people who are most helpful are those who have actually been through the recovery process; they can really give good incite into what it feels like and what to maybe expect. That is the info I have found most helpful on these boards.
Feel free to message me if you'd like. In spite of having a relatively 'safe' story (so far but I am a realist), there are some very tough moments I still have regardless of how 'positive' the situation is. Maybe you may find it helpful.
Best of luck!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
There is also the AA forum, perhaps asking other alcoholics/recovering alcoholics may help understand "his view".
I don't like he tried to kiss you. It sounds adolescent. It creeps me out that he rushes things. It creeps me out that he can't read signs or know when timing is right to make a move, this creeps me out because I feel those things we learn in our teens/20s...
I don't like he is older either.
I say relations are difficult enough to bring alcoholism or early sobriety to them. I say go meet people who have NEVER logged in to SR or put a foot in AA. I say don't even go for a "friendship". You know he wants something physical. Is it STILL comfortable to you to be with him??
It sucks to change from "innocent until proven guilty" to "guilty until proven innocent" but since I have doubts about everybody I use my time much better. To me it seems like he has his timeline and you feel you need to oblige. If he hadn't made advances you wouldn't have tried to kiss him yet right? so why change your tune to his rhythm? you have already given a chance to him to have your friendship and he is turning it into something HE wants not into something you BOTH want.
Sorry.... just wary of people that have little to lose, due to my own experiences in life.
I don't like he tried to kiss you. It sounds adolescent. It creeps me out that he rushes things. It creeps me out that he can't read signs or know when timing is right to make a move, this creeps me out because I feel those things we learn in our teens/20s...
I don't like he is older either.
I say relations are difficult enough to bring alcoholism or early sobriety to them. I say go meet people who have NEVER logged in to SR or put a foot in AA. I say don't even go for a "friendship". You know he wants something physical. Is it STILL comfortable to you to be with him??
It sucks to change from "innocent until proven guilty" to "guilty until proven innocent" but since I have doubts about everybody I use my time much better. To me it seems like he has his timeline and you feel you need to oblige. If he hadn't made advances you wouldn't have tried to kiss him yet right? so why change your tune to his rhythm? you have already given a chance to him to have your friendship and he is turning it into something HE wants not into something you BOTH want.
Sorry.... just wary of people that have little to lose, due to my own experiences in life.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Originally Posted by Tatertot 
I'm sorry, it just hurts my heart to have to give up on people without ever having given them a real chance to prove themselves. Is all hope dead for these brave souls?
Originally Posted by Tatertot
What are they doing this for? If no one will give them a chance?
You will do whatever you will do. I wish you well and I hope your RA stays sober.
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Join Date: May 2008
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I touched on this in a round about way in the last paragraph of my recent post and here is another perspective and the other side of the coin.
As Babyblue stated " Problem with recovery is that the stakes are so very much higher if things go wrong." I believe she means for the one in recovery.
You mention repeatedly that this part of life is new to you so I wonder if you might take yourself out of this equation, as in what you want, further acknowledge and accept that you have no idea what you would be truly getting yourself into, but MOST importantly, what you could ultimately be getting your friend into. Think about the ramifications for him. Frankly, I have come to believe that this isn't about you, it's about him. Clearly, you don't understand what this could translate for him when things (don't) work out.
As Babyblue stated " Problem with recovery is that the stakes are so very much higher if things go wrong." I believe she means for the one in recovery.
You mention repeatedly that this part of life is new to you so I wonder if you might take yourself out of this equation, as in what you want, further acknowledge and accept that you have no idea what you would be truly getting yourself into, but MOST importantly, what you could ultimately be getting your friend into. Think about the ramifications for him. Frankly, I have come to believe that this isn't about you, it's about him. Clearly, you don't understand what this could translate for him when things (don't) work out.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 120
Gah... I just spent the last 1.5 hours at work composing my well thought out and thorough reply.... just to have it tell me I was logged out and I lost everything... GRRRR
I will post again later tonight...
I will post again later tonight...
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
If you plan to get physical can you ask him for a STD/HIV test first. Just a thought. I remembered your thread reading some stats about my country.
Everyone is at risk of course but after an addicts lifestyle, sleeping with strangers, maybe shooting stuff without remembering later, etc, is something that could ruin your life.
Many males carry diseases without symptoms and many times those are much worse in females.
Also, me, lover of lost causes, have found better ways to "be helpful"
fostering animals
sending donations to NGOs like CARE international
build houses for free
walking places instead of driving
finding organic food instead of the usual one
taking care of my plants
spending more time communicating with the ones that truly love me
Everyone is at risk of course but after an addicts lifestyle, sleeping with strangers, maybe shooting stuff without remembering later, etc, is something that could ruin your life.
Many males carry diseases without symptoms and many times those are much worse in females.
Also, me, lover of lost causes, have found better ways to "be helpful"
fostering animals
sending donations to NGOs like CARE international
build houses for free
walking places instead of driving
finding organic food instead of the usual one
taking care of my plants
spending more time communicating with the ones that truly love me
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I'd like to share my story. For those here who have heard it a thousand times, please bear with me; I'm sure you're sick of hearing it by now.
I met my boyfriend when I was 22; he was 37. I didn't know it then, but he had a drinking problem. By the time I realized it, I was head over heels in love with him. He was sweet, gentle, soft spoken, and kind. A truly lovely man, not a broken wreck, an empty shell of a man, a mean or abusive alcoholic like I've seen other partners of alcoholics describe.
But alcoholism is a progressive disease, and left unchecked it is fatal. Eventually, my boyfriend's disease took a turn for the worse, and he fell into a terrible black hole--one that he was never able to climb out of.
My once passive, sweet man became resentful of everything and everyone. His next drink was all he could think about. Alcohol consumed his mind, body, and spirit, and the beautiful man I once knew became an empty shell of a man, wracked with physical and emotional pain beyond repair.
Because I loved him, I chose to stay by his side until nearly the end. The alcohol robbed him of his independence, his ability to think clearly, his ability to feel emotions, his ability to have compassion for others, his ability to work, his ability to see, his independence, his dignity, and ultimately his life.
Watching someone you love succumb to alcoholism is incredibly painful. I wish I had the ability to save others from a similar experience, but I know now that each person must learn life's lessons on their own and in their own time. I am not qualified to give advice because the path I took was not a healthy one for me or my daughter. All I can do is share my story and reiterate that alcoholism is a progressive disease and left unchecked it is fatal.
Alcoholism leaves a trail of destruction and swallows up other victims in its path. Family, friends, coworkers, and loved ones can be swallowed up by the disease if they're not careful to protect themselves from harm.
I have had the pleasure, on this forum, to meet many recovered addicts with long-term sobriety. They are the ones who are here every day, working their program, and it has become their life's work. I don't know the actual statistics, but this much I know for sure: the percentage of addicts who reach and attain long-term sobriety is quite small. Those who attain life-long sobriety are lucky, persistent, and stronger than I can imagine.
Today, I am 50 years old. I lost my boyfriend three years ago and I'm still working through the grief and rebuilding my life. Loving an alcoholic is a painful and life-altering experience. I'm glad you're here, that you recognize your partner has a serious problem, and you're asking the right questions.
I met my boyfriend when I was 22; he was 37. I didn't know it then, but he had a drinking problem. By the time I realized it, I was head over heels in love with him. He was sweet, gentle, soft spoken, and kind. A truly lovely man, not a broken wreck, an empty shell of a man, a mean or abusive alcoholic like I've seen other partners of alcoholics describe.
But alcoholism is a progressive disease, and left unchecked it is fatal. Eventually, my boyfriend's disease took a turn for the worse, and he fell into a terrible black hole--one that he was never able to climb out of.
My once passive, sweet man became resentful of everything and everyone. His next drink was all he could think about. Alcohol consumed his mind, body, and spirit, and the beautiful man I once knew became an empty shell of a man, wracked with physical and emotional pain beyond repair.
Because I loved him, I chose to stay by his side until nearly the end. The alcohol robbed him of his independence, his ability to think clearly, his ability to feel emotions, his ability to have compassion for others, his ability to work, his ability to see, his independence, his dignity, and ultimately his life.
Watching someone you love succumb to alcoholism is incredibly painful. I wish I had the ability to save others from a similar experience, but I know now that each person must learn life's lessons on their own and in their own time. I am not qualified to give advice because the path I took was not a healthy one for me or my daughter. All I can do is share my story and reiterate that alcoholism is a progressive disease and left unchecked it is fatal.
Alcoholism leaves a trail of destruction and swallows up other victims in its path. Family, friends, coworkers, and loved ones can be swallowed up by the disease if they're not careful to protect themselves from harm.
I have had the pleasure, on this forum, to meet many recovered addicts with long-term sobriety. They are the ones who are here every day, working their program, and it has become their life's work. I don't know the actual statistics, but this much I know for sure: the percentage of addicts who reach and attain long-term sobriety is quite small. Those who attain life-long sobriety are lucky, persistent, and stronger than I can imagine.
Today, I am 50 years old. I lost my boyfriend three years ago and I'm still working through the grief and rebuilding my life. Loving an alcoholic is a painful and life-altering experience. I'm glad you're here, that you recognize your partner has a serious problem, and you're asking the right questions.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 120
haha, I was smart this time and typed the whole thing in Word, then copied and pasted! No time-outs this time
Jazzman… I am so sorry for the loss of your ex-wife last year… and you are right, I have never had a front row seat watching someone I love slowly lose control over their life, and God willing I hope I never will. Although I am glad to hear you say that there ARE success stories out there, but you’re right they probably don’t come to these boards to post. Too bad.
GerryP… I really want to thank you for your continued posts… I can hear the urgency in them and I know I might sound a little thick headed sometimes, but I actually do hear what you are saying.
I actually don’t feel that I HAVE to take this friendship to the next level with this man, but I am truly struggling with this because I think I WANT to. He has definitely let me know what he wants but unless I reciprocate I am sure that he will not try to start anything.
Also I am so very happy that you have 5 years of sobriety… for that alone you should be called a success story! Can you tell me if you are in a relationship right now and if you are, how you met your SO and how it’s going now?
I don’t know exactly what his life was like during the last 25 years, but I do know he was gainfully employed in a respectable line of work, he quit to enter the rehab program, and he is working again now (but in a different line of work). I know that he has at least 1 failed marriage and he admits completely that it was his fault. However he has maintained a solid relationship with both his parents throughout everything.
Babyblue… Thank you for your positive comments, they really are appreciated and it gives me some hope that not everybody in recovery is doomed to fail. Yours does sound like a really touching story, it is one I really wouldn’t mind hearing. I know it is a lot different from mine because you knew each other pre-addiction, but it sounds like it could be very inspirational. Success stories are so few and far between they deserve sharing
TakingCharge999… I am so sorry that you must have had some pretty bad experiences to sound so bleak… I must admit that when he first tried to kiss me I was more shocked than anything because I wasn’t expecting it. But I wasn’t offended. And he accepted my “No” for an answer and did not try to force me to kiss him. (BTW we were sitting on a beach at night coffee in hand, so the timing probably “seemed” right to him, lol!) Also the fact that he is quite a bit older than me is also something that concerns me just a little. So in addition to doing all this research on SR (and other sources) I have also been doing a lot of research on “Age-Gap Relationships”…. So really this whole thing just blows my mind as to why I am even bothering… he REALLY isn’t my type… but then I think that if I already knew what my “type” was then I would probably be happily married somewhere with 2.5 kids… I married my “type” once and it really didn’t work out.
We did go to a movie last weekend and I have to admit that he did try to kiss me again but I again said no and he respected that. I don’t feel that he is trying to FORCE his timeline on me. In no way do I feel threatened when I am with him. However as with GerryP I can sense the urgency in your post and I really, really appreciate your insight.
Bookwyrm… you are completely right… I apologize for sounding like I am romanticizing addiction and recovery… that was not my intent. It is just that sometimes I am so overcome with emotion that the words just pour out the way that I feel them. However I still maintain that anyone that has been able to recognize and acknowledge the downward spiral that their lives have been taking, and been able to TURN THEIR LIVES AROUND and do something about it are brave individuals indeed! It must take a LOT of guts to admit that there is a problem, and then not only admit it, but do something about it. I have nothing but admiration for these people.
I also thought I had mentioned that in no way, shape, or form do I want to “rescue” him from anything. That is definitely a role I want to avoid. I would never want to become a reason for him to continue his recovery. I want no part in that. In fact that is partly the reason why I have not given him my phone number. I don’t want him to be able to call me for “help”. Everything he does, he must do it for himself and nobody else. Also it is why I would make sure that if we did start to “see” each other on a more regular basis it would only be once every 2 or 3 weeks. I have my own busy life and schedule that I have to attend to, and so does he. Not only does he work full time and attend his AA meetings but he also co-leads a Bible study and spends 2 – 3 nights a week helping out other rehab centers throughout the city (as well as the one he went through). I don’t want to stop my life for him and I DEFINITELY don’t want him to stop his life for me. Hopefully I am clear on this point. I do not see a wounded puppy dog that I can “rescue”… His recovery is between him and God and no other.
And don’t worry, I also definitely do not see myself as a “reward” for staying sober/clean. Again that is something that he can only do for himself.
GerryP… Again I thank you for your second post, please feel free to keep them coming if you think of anything else. I truly am gaining wisdom from this experience.
And of COURSE this isn’t about ME! I wouldn’t be here (on SR) to find out more about ME… I am here to try to gain some insight into HIM and possibly how relationships work with recovering addicts/alcoholics. This is the whole reason I am here. This is the whole reason I am so hesitant to take this to the next level, it’s because I AM concerned about what would happen to him IF things didn’t work out. As mentioned I would HATE to be the reason for someone to backslide and lose all their hard work, but then someone (I forget who) mentioned that I could never be the reason for someone to backslide… but the guilty feeling would be there just the same I think. This is my entire concern. I am trying to understand what the ramifications would be for HIM…
Anvilhead… I did not know this man at all before he entered the rehab program, so he also sought out the tools and resources that he could to turn his life around on his own. I also did not “know” him during the 6 months of the program aside from the occasional 5 or 10 minute conversation we might have had during my volunteer nights. There was absolutely no contact between us except for that, so he completed the program on his own for himself. I was certainly not a “reward” for him to finish the program and stay sober/clean. We only started talking socially months AFTER he had finished the program. Please see above for my feelings towards “rescuing” as well.
Although I do regret that you read pity in my posts… that is not what I feel, I mostly feel sad and disheartened…. Which are much different than pity. I will not be an enabler… I also feel that (real) rewards should come based on the work that you do and the effort you put into it.
Once again I honestly and truly do thank you all for your posts. Although it might sound like I have a thick skull sometimes, please believe me that your messages are getting through. I know so much more about addicts/alcoholics now than I did even a week ago. You have all been an amazing resource and fountain of information.
Although I am truly sorry that most of you have had to go through such trials and hardships to get to the point that you are at today. I sincerely hope that you all find healing, peace, and happiness one day (if you are not already there). And I do sense the urgency and the desperation in some of your replies and I am taking them to heart.
Thank you all so much.
Jazzman… I am so sorry for the loss of your ex-wife last year… and you are right, I have never had a front row seat watching someone I love slowly lose control over their life, and God willing I hope I never will. Although I am glad to hear you say that there ARE success stories out there, but you’re right they probably don’t come to these boards to post. Too bad.
GerryP… I really want to thank you for your continued posts… I can hear the urgency in them and I know I might sound a little thick headed sometimes, but I actually do hear what you are saying.
I actually don’t feel that I HAVE to take this friendship to the next level with this man, but I am truly struggling with this because I think I WANT to. He has definitely let me know what he wants but unless I reciprocate I am sure that he will not try to start anything.
Also I am so very happy that you have 5 years of sobriety… for that alone you should be called a success story! Can you tell me if you are in a relationship right now and if you are, how you met your SO and how it’s going now?
I don’t know exactly what his life was like during the last 25 years, but I do know he was gainfully employed in a respectable line of work, he quit to enter the rehab program, and he is working again now (but in a different line of work). I know that he has at least 1 failed marriage and he admits completely that it was his fault. However he has maintained a solid relationship with both his parents throughout everything.
Babyblue… Thank you for your positive comments, they really are appreciated and it gives me some hope that not everybody in recovery is doomed to fail. Yours does sound like a really touching story, it is one I really wouldn’t mind hearing. I know it is a lot different from mine because you knew each other pre-addiction, but it sounds like it could be very inspirational. Success stories are so few and far between they deserve sharing
TakingCharge999… I am so sorry that you must have had some pretty bad experiences to sound so bleak… I must admit that when he first tried to kiss me I was more shocked than anything because I wasn’t expecting it. But I wasn’t offended. And he accepted my “No” for an answer and did not try to force me to kiss him. (BTW we were sitting on a beach at night coffee in hand, so the timing probably “seemed” right to him, lol!) Also the fact that he is quite a bit older than me is also something that concerns me just a little. So in addition to doing all this research on SR (and other sources) I have also been doing a lot of research on “Age-Gap Relationships”…. So really this whole thing just blows my mind as to why I am even bothering… he REALLY isn’t my type… but then I think that if I already knew what my “type” was then I would probably be happily married somewhere with 2.5 kids… I married my “type” once and it really didn’t work out.
We did go to a movie last weekend and I have to admit that he did try to kiss me again but I again said no and he respected that. I don’t feel that he is trying to FORCE his timeline on me. In no way do I feel threatened when I am with him. However as with GerryP I can sense the urgency in your post and I really, really appreciate your insight.
Bookwyrm… you are completely right… I apologize for sounding like I am romanticizing addiction and recovery… that was not my intent. It is just that sometimes I am so overcome with emotion that the words just pour out the way that I feel them. However I still maintain that anyone that has been able to recognize and acknowledge the downward spiral that their lives have been taking, and been able to TURN THEIR LIVES AROUND and do something about it are brave individuals indeed! It must take a LOT of guts to admit that there is a problem, and then not only admit it, but do something about it. I have nothing but admiration for these people.
I also thought I had mentioned that in no way, shape, or form do I want to “rescue” him from anything. That is definitely a role I want to avoid. I would never want to become a reason for him to continue his recovery. I want no part in that. In fact that is partly the reason why I have not given him my phone number. I don’t want him to be able to call me for “help”. Everything he does, he must do it for himself and nobody else. Also it is why I would make sure that if we did start to “see” each other on a more regular basis it would only be once every 2 or 3 weeks. I have my own busy life and schedule that I have to attend to, and so does he. Not only does he work full time and attend his AA meetings but he also co-leads a Bible study and spends 2 – 3 nights a week helping out other rehab centers throughout the city (as well as the one he went through). I don’t want to stop my life for him and I DEFINITELY don’t want him to stop his life for me. Hopefully I am clear on this point. I do not see a wounded puppy dog that I can “rescue”… His recovery is between him and God and no other.
And don’t worry, I also definitely do not see myself as a “reward” for staying sober/clean. Again that is something that he can only do for himself.
GerryP… Again I thank you for your second post, please feel free to keep them coming if you think of anything else. I truly am gaining wisdom from this experience.
And of COURSE this isn’t about ME! I wouldn’t be here (on SR) to find out more about ME… I am here to try to gain some insight into HIM and possibly how relationships work with recovering addicts/alcoholics. This is the whole reason I am here. This is the whole reason I am so hesitant to take this to the next level, it’s because I AM concerned about what would happen to him IF things didn’t work out. As mentioned I would HATE to be the reason for someone to backslide and lose all their hard work, but then someone (I forget who) mentioned that I could never be the reason for someone to backslide… but the guilty feeling would be there just the same I think. This is my entire concern. I am trying to understand what the ramifications would be for HIM…
Anvilhead… I did not know this man at all before he entered the rehab program, so he also sought out the tools and resources that he could to turn his life around on his own. I also did not “know” him during the 6 months of the program aside from the occasional 5 or 10 minute conversation we might have had during my volunteer nights. There was absolutely no contact between us except for that, so he completed the program on his own for himself. I was certainly not a “reward” for him to finish the program and stay sober/clean. We only started talking socially months AFTER he had finished the program. Please see above for my feelings towards “rescuing” as well.
Although I do regret that you read pity in my posts… that is not what I feel, I mostly feel sad and disheartened…. Which are much different than pity. I will not be an enabler… I also feel that (real) rewards should come based on the work that you do and the effort you put into it.
Once again I honestly and truly do thank you all for your posts. Although it might sound like I have a thick skull sometimes, please believe me that your messages are getting through. I know so much more about addicts/alcoholics now than I did even a week ago. You have all been an amazing resource and fountain of information.
Although I am truly sorry that most of you have had to go through such trials and hardships to get to the point that you are at today. I sincerely hope that you all find healing, peace, and happiness one day (if you are not already there). And I do sense the urgency and the desperation in some of your replies and I am taking them to heart.
Thank you all so much.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 120
TakingCharge999.... No need to worry, I have asked every single one of my "partners" in the past to get STD tested (even my ex-husband who was a Christian and for whom I was his first girlfriend)... that's just how paranoid I am about it!
I don't plan on being any stupider this time around LOL
I don't plan on being any stupider this time around LOL
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 120
FormerDoormat (LOVE the handle, btw),
Thank you for your story, I can try to understand how painful it must be now, looking back over the last 30 years...
But what I don't understand is you say you stayed by him until "nearly" the end... and then you say you lost your bf 3 years ago... was this the same person? If not, what happened to the first bf?
And also he is not my "partner".... but someone I am seriously considering for that role... which is why I am here... I just wanted to know if these relationships are possible... but as far as I can tell, most signs unfortunately point to "NO".
Thank you for your story, I can try to understand how painful it must be now, looking back over the last 30 years...
But what I don't understand is you say you stayed by him until "nearly" the end... and then you say you lost your bf 3 years ago... was this the same person? If not, what happened to the first bf?
And also he is not my "partner".... but someone I am seriously considering for that role... which is why I am here... I just wanted to know if these relationships are possible... but as far as I can tell, most signs unfortunately point to "NO".
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I only spoke of one boyfriend in my post. His name was Richard. When I said "I stayed with him until nearly the end," I meant that when alcoholism took over his life and all that was left of the man I had once known was an empty shell, I finally found the courage to save myself. We were two people whose lives were wrecked by alcoholism who found ourselves stuck on a sinking ship. In the end it was either sink or swim. I chose to swim to safety. Richard chose to continue drinking.
Two years after I ended my relationship with him, he was found dead alone in his apartment with a half gallon of E&J by his side. He had been dead for two weeks when his neighbors complained about the smell.
It took several months for officials to declare him dead because they apparently had trouble identifying his body. There was no face to compare a photo to, there were no fingerprints available to compare to those on file, and no body left to bury. Romantic? Far from it. And all this started with a little flirtation followed by one innocent kiss. Life can take a turn in an instant. Two people fell into the black hole of alcoholism. Only one of us clawed our way out.
Addiction is a terrible affliction and it leaves a wake of destruction in its path. You don't have to be an alcoholic to be severely harmed by someone else's drinking.
One of the biggest lessons I learned in my journey with Richard is that every choice I make has both short and long-term impacts on my life. I can choose an easy path with a physically, emotionally, and spiritually healthy partner, or I can choose a difficult path with someone who's been faltering for decades. I can choose a life that's serene, peaceful, quiet, and predictable, or I can choose a life that's filled with drama, chaos, and pain. The choice is mine. Today I ask myself will the path I'm about to embark on bring me peace and serenity or will it bring me uncertainly, drama, and pain?
Serenity is such a gift, and for me, it's been the result of a hard-fought battle. Making the right choice is often hard to do, but it sure makes life easier in the end.
Two years after I ended my relationship with him, he was found dead alone in his apartment with a half gallon of E&J by his side. He had been dead for two weeks when his neighbors complained about the smell.
It took several months for officials to declare him dead because they apparently had trouble identifying his body. There was no face to compare a photo to, there were no fingerprints available to compare to those on file, and no body left to bury. Romantic? Far from it. And all this started with a little flirtation followed by one innocent kiss. Life can take a turn in an instant. Two people fell into the black hole of alcoholism. Only one of us clawed our way out.
Addiction is a terrible affliction and it leaves a wake of destruction in its path. You don't have to be an alcoholic to be severely harmed by someone else's drinking.
One of the biggest lessons I learned in my journey with Richard is that every choice I make has both short and long-term impacts on my life. I can choose an easy path with a physically, emotionally, and spiritually healthy partner, or I can choose a difficult path with someone who's been faltering for decades. I can choose a life that's serene, peaceful, quiet, and predictable, or I can choose a life that's filled with drama, chaos, and pain. The choice is mine. Today I ask myself will the path I'm about to embark on bring me peace and serenity or will it bring me uncertainly, drama, and pain?
Serenity is such a gift, and for me, it's been the result of a hard-fought battle. Making the right choice is often hard to do, but it sure makes life easier in the end.
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
Hey Tator,
You asked if I was in a relationship right now.
I'm not actually and haven't been since I got sober. I am only now beginning to feel that I am in a place where I can realistically consider a relationship.
I had a lot of work to do on myself when I stopped drinking. I was a mess. How can you drink for 20 + years, drive your business in to the ground, lose friends and people you care about, stop participating in the activities you once loved, lose sight of who I was, where I once was and going nowhere fast. With all that said...I didn't think I was that bad at the time.
I have concentrated only on myself for the last 5 years, picking myself up piece by piece through therapy. I have been working hard to rebuild my business, cultivating new friendships, have picked up some of the activities I once loved and am finding new ones to spend my time, I even ran my first 5 km last summer. (The only place I ran to before was to the liquor store) I can't go back and change my past, but I have learned much from having been there. I am happy not because of what I have, but because of who I am. I am the sum of all my parts and I have respect for that.
When I begin a relationship I want to have everything good and healthy to bring to it. I want to be able to share my life, not give it away. I want to be present. I want to be IN a relationship, knowing who I am, where I'm at and where I am wanting to go.
Wishing you the best Tator.
You asked if I was in a relationship right now.
I'm not actually and haven't been since I got sober. I am only now beginning to feel that I am in a place where I can realistically consider a relationship.
I had a lot of work to do on myself when I stopped drinking. I was a mess. How can you drink for 20 + years, drive your business in to the ground, lose friends and people you care about, stop participating in the activities you once loved, lose sight of who I was, where I once was and going nowhere fast. With all that said...I didn't think I was that bad at the time.
I have concentrated only on myself for the last 5 years, picking myself up piece by piece through therapy. I have been working hard to rebuild my business, cultivating new friendships, have picked up some of the activities I once loved and am finding new ones to spend my time, I even ran my first 5 km last summer. (The only place I ran to before was to the liquor store) I can't go back and change my past, but I have learned much from having been there. I am happy not because of what I have, but because of who I am. I am the sum of all my parts and I have respect for that.
When I begin a relationship I want to have everything good and healthy to bring to it. I want to be able to share my life, not give it away. I want to be present. I want to be IN a relationship, knowing who I am, where I'm at and where I am wanting to go.
Wishing you the best Tator.
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