Taking a mental vacation
Inhale, Exhale, Repeat
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: TX
Posts: 59
Taking a mental vacation
I am finally finished teaching for the school year!! Woo hoo! It's been kind of a rough week. My mom was here a couple of nights ago and I was struggling with the pity face she kept giving me, even though I know she means well. I find myself having a hard time staying in the conversation with people sometimes, as I'm really distracted. Talking, which I'm usually so good at, has been tough. I'd just rather sit there and listen to someone else talk, although usually I'm only half listening. Strange.
I talked to my A this morning. We have exchanged some texts over the last week and a half but have really only talked twice since I broke off the "engagement." Sometimes I think it would be so much easier to be mad at him, but he's been nothing but extremely patient, respectful, and remorseful since I broke it off. He has given me my space but does want to see me to admit all his wrongs and exchange our stuff. He said, "I have never had more reasons to drink than these last two weeks, and I have never given recovery so much effort before. Leaving work to go to two meetings a day, meeting w/ sponsor, seeking out AA friends, and coming clean with higher ups (army). No one is here to hold me accountable and I'm doing it for myself." I really want to believe him. I do. But I know it's way too early for that, and that I'm still questioning his motives. That whole "cunning and baffling" bit you know? At this point, I know I really shouldn't see him, because it clouds my judgment, but to be totally honest, I'm not sure I can resist. I do feel somewhat confident though in my ability to see him and then cut it off for six months. Does that sound oxymoronic? It clouds my judgment while I'm with him, but when I come back to my hometown, 12 hours away, I can usually create the distance, is what I mean. I don't know. Sometimes I just get really angry. I feel like I've been self sacrificing for so long, all this long distance and a deployment in Iraq between us, and then right when we are about to be finally united, I have to break it off. And at the risk of sounding like I'm making excuses for him (or myself?), yes...he has been dishonest with me and is an alcoholic. But he is not abusive to me in any way and seems to love me and only want me to be happy. He's convinced that I'm the one for him. In other words, if the lies that come with the drinking weren't involved, he treats me very well. You can call me out on this. I am fully expecting that. Is my thinking already becoming twisted as I romanticize things more and talk to him??? I don't know.
I feel like writing an email to my family (so I don't have to explain over and over) and lay it all out there, why I broke it off, what my plan is for now, and just say that I don't know how I will feel in six months or a year. I guess I just don't want them convinced that I've broken it off FOREVER and then them be in total shock if I want to see him later on down the road after he has some solid recovery on his belt, recovery that he will have to pursue without knowing whether I will be around or not later. Am I making any sense?
Anyway, I will have some discussions w/ my family about it this weekend too, but for the most part, I am going to try my hardest to not do any sad sally moping around. I have done plenty of that these last two weeks and I just wanna go let my hair down and have some fun. Wish me luck.
I talked to my A this morning. We have exchanged some texts over the last week and a half but have really only talked twice since I broke off the "engagement." Sometimes I think it would be so much easier to be mad at him, but he's been nothing but extremely patient, respectful, and remorseful since I broke it off. He has given me my space but does want to see me to admit all his wrongs and exchange our stuff. He said, "I have never had more reasons to drink than these last two weeks, and I have never given recovery so much effort before. Leaving work to go to two meetings a day, meeting w/ sponsor, seeking out AA friends, and coming clean with higher ups (army). No one is here to hold me accountable and I'm doing it for myself." I really want to believe him. I do. But I know it's way too early for that, and that I'm still questioning his motives. That whole "cunning and baffling" bit you know? At this point, I know I really shouldn't see him, because it clouds my judgment, but to be totally honest, I'm not sure I can resist. I do feel somewhat confident though in my ability to see him and then cut it off for six months. Does that sound oxymoronic? It clouds my judgment while I'm with him, but when I come back to my hometown, 12 hours away, I can usually create the distance, is what I mean. I don't know. Sometimes I just get really angry. I feel like I've been self sacrificing for so long, all this long distance and a deployment in Iraq between us, and then right when we are about to be finally united, I have to break it off. And at the risk of sounding like I'm making excuses for him (or myself?), yes...he has been dishonest with me and is an alcoholic. But he is not abusive to me in any way and seems to love me and only want me to be happy. He's convinced that I'm the one for him. In other words, if the lies that come with the drinking weren't involved, he treats me very well. You can call me out on this. I am fully expecting that. Is my thinking already becoming twisted as I romanticize things more and talk to him??? I don't know.
I feel like writing an email to my family (so I don't have to explain over and over) and lay it all out there, why I broke it off, what my plan is for now, and just say that I don't know how I will feel in six months or a year. I guess I just don't want them convinced that I've broken it off FOREVER and then them be in total shock if I want to see him later on down the road after he has some solid recovery on his belt, recovery that he will have to pursue without knowing whether I will be around or not later. Am I making any sense?
Anyway, I will have some discussions w/ my family about it this weekend too, but for the most part, I am going to try my hardest to not do any sad sally moping around. I have done plenty of that these last two weeks and I just wanna go let my hair down and have some fun. Wish me luck.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I feel like writing an email to my family (so I don't have to explain over and over) and lay it all out there, why I broke it off, what my plan is for now, and just say that I don't know how I will feel in six months or a year. I guess I just don't want them convinced that I've broken it off FOREVER and then them be in total shock if I want to see him later on down the road after he has some solid recovery on his belt, recovery that he will have to pursue without knowing whether I will be around or not later. Am I making any sense?
I would really stop worrying about everybody else and just focus on YOU!
I like the email idea since it will give people the signal that "here's the information I can share with you at this time, as you can imagine this is a hard time for me and I am working through some tough stuff, and what the future may hold none of us know!"
yes...he has been dishonest with me and is an alcoholic. But he is not abusive to me in any way and seems to love me and only want me to be happy. He's convinced that I'm the one for him. In other words, if the lies that come with the drinking weren't involved, he treats me very well.
I'm certainly not going to "call you out" on this. I think this is a sentiment that many of us have felt in our relationships with A's. We all minimize the bad stuff, we all say "when they are sober they are the greatest people!" This is par for the course if you love an alcoholic.
I definitely had to examine those feelings though. Especially the minimizing. By minimizing the lying and manipulation that my brothers engage in I was excusing it and enabling their disease, as well as keeping myself in just enough denial that I continued to accept the crumbs of a relationship and pin my hopes on the fantasy of all that I thought they could/should be!
Like, the fact that a potential spouse is not abusive or aggressive? I mean, that's just a gimme - that's not a "good quality" in a potential spouse, that's mandatory!
It sounds like you're doing well- under these stressful circumstances - and I admire you for breaking off the wedding - as hard as that was - it takes great courage sometimes to listen to that quiet voice inside us that is often the communicator of our innermost feelings and deepest knowledge. Keep listening!
peace-
b
I would really stop worrying about everybody else and just focus on YOU!
I like the email idea since it will give people the signal that "here's the information I can share with you at this time, as you can imagine this is a hard time for me and I am working through some tough stuff, and what the future may hold none of us know!"
yes...he has been dishonest with me and is an alcoholic. But he is not abusive to me in any way and seems to love me and only want me to be happy. He's convinced that I'm the one for him. In other words, if the lies that come with the drinking weren't involved, he treats me very well.
I'm certainly not going to "call you out" on this. I think this is a sentiment that many of us have felt in our relationships with A's. We all minimize the bad stuff, we all say "when they are sober they are the greatest people!" This is par for the course if you love an alcoholic.
I definitely had to examine those feelings though. Especially the minimizing. By minimizing the lying and manipulation that my brothers engage in I was excusing it and enabling their disease, as well as keeping myself in just enough denial that I continued to accept the crumbs of a relationship and pin my hopes on the fantasy of all that I thought they could/should be!
Like, the fact that a potential spouse is not abusive or aggressive? I mean, that's just a gimme - that's not a "good quality" in a potential spouse, that's mandatory!
It sounds like you're doing well- under these stressful circumstances - and I admire you for breaking off the wedding - as hard as that was - it takes great courage sometimes to listen to that quiet voice inside us that is often the communicator of our innermost feelings and deepest knowledge. Keep listening!
peace-
b
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Thank you for this reminder of why I don't want to be back in touch with my ex, and don't want to respond to the e-mail ("ping") I got this week. That "hopefulness" is truly intoxicating, and completely useless with regard to my A.
posie
posie
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
"He isn't abusive to me" is NOT a reason to stay with someone.
He shouldn't be abusive. Just like he shouldn't eat with his hands, or he shouldn't pee on the floor. It is a given!
What about, he treats me well? He shows me he cares?
He shouldn't be abusive. Just like he shouldn't eat with his hands, or he shouldn't pee on the floor. It is a given!
What about, he treats me well? He shows me he cares?
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