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Abusive cycle

Old 05-27-2010, 01:57 PM
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Abusive cycle

I'vebeen doing a lot of reading about abusive relationships and the cycle which it follows, and funny (or mabe not so funny) our relationship is the perfect example. For example, 2 weeks ago I was done, guilt and other things made me try again. For almost 2 weeks he as been nothing but nice and helpful - I even commented to him how nice this change was on Tuesday. I gues s his anger and resentment built up over that time, yesterday he was ANGRY!! It has been very hot and he everyone was feeling it - our air is out right now. Anyway, he probablly told me about 10x that he didn't feel good. I didn't really say much - just kind of said yah it's hot. Well finally after 10x I asked hiim what he wanted me to do about him not feeling good and he FLIPPED out....and told me how I have no compassion, and that I don't care about him. Then he said, "How about you think about how you would have responded to one of your boyfriends in the past, and do that...then stomped off and went to bed. Did not talk to him the rest of the evening/night. He woke up said I'm sorry, and i said ok. So then he can't find his keys. He didn't have anywhere he had to be right then. I was feeding the baby and he said something like do you know where my keys are...and I said I don't know. So he stomped around and kept looking. THen he came back and said something about maybe our daughter putting them in teh trash...again I said I don't know. THen he blew up about how I don't give an F about him etc, and how I have no compassion or care for him. Ok all over keys really?? I was feeding the baby. His anger grew, and grew throughout the day. I decided to go to the park w/ the kids and asked if he wanted to go and he declined saying, "I don't think we should spend time together for a while." To which I said ok and left to teh park. I got back and fall asleep in the chair witht he baby while my daughter is napping. He walks up and tries to "kiss me awake" which scared me first of all and second after what he said...what the heck. This high low roller coaster behavior is so weird!! Well he found his keys in my purse - I'm sure my daughter put them there...and he was mad. I tried to talk to him etc..it escalated to him yelling and he said some mean things and I got angry finally...it took all day. He laid on the bed in our room from 9-3:30 watching Tv, that's it...and he proceeded to tell me how I have done nothing today. We have an 18mo old and newborn who I take care of and did some laundry and picking up (it makes me really angry when he says I do nothing) I yelled back......he said more mean things, got in my face, laughed yelled etc......and I told him to leave. He is SO bizarre. So long story short. I believe it was his goal all day to make me angry......it just wasn't working. He wants to get the reaction to excuse him drinking maybe? or I don' tknow? Here is what else I realized if I don't react the way he wants me to or expects me to....he doesn't know what to do. I have stop doing things for him that he can do for himself...which ticks him off. I have stopped letting his maniuplative bgehavior make me behave in a certain way...he percieves this as me not caring, but it is me letting him be an adult. SO, I read today that abuse is a choice, and I can see in this where he got scared and "straighten up" to get me in line, and now here we go again - only he doesn't have the "control" he used to. I don't know what I am going to do but I am SO sick of this!
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Old 05-27-2010, 02:10 PM
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Imagine your little girl all grown up. A bright, beautiful young woman with her life ahead of her. Now imagine her in a relationship with a man just like the one you are in. Would that be okay with you? No? Now ask yourself why it is okay for you to role-model that for her.

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Old 05-27-2010, 02:17 PM
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If nothing changes, nothing changes. You don't have to put up with this and you really shouldn't allow your children to witness this chaos.
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Old 05-27-2010, 02:21 PM
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I know what you are saying is true...I KNOW IT with everything in me. I just need to be stronger....I need to let myself say this marriage doesn't work, isn't healthy and it's ok for it to fail.
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Old 05-27-2010, 02:27 PM
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It's definitely not healthy; not for you and most definitely not for your children. If you won't save yourself, won't you please save them? They don't get a vote, but they should be the most important consideration.
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Old 05-27-2010, 02:33 PM
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Originally Posted by mentallyexh View Post
I know what you are saying is true...I KNOW IT with everything in me. I just need to be stronger....I need to let myself say this marriage doesn't work, isn't healthy and it's ok for it to fail.
It's already failed. Hanging on to it isn't going to change that.

L
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Old 05-27-2010, 03:00 PM
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This situation is not going to get any better, he is not going to change unless he admits that he has problem(s) starts working a program and gets the mental help he needs to address the anger/abuse issues.

He will not improve just because he is not drinking, he is an abuser.

To me, abusers are toxic and can be dangerous.

Your first responsibility is to your children, growing up in a home with an abuser will affect them in a negative way,not only today, but into adulthood. I know, I was raised in a home like that.

I heard and saw everything, just as all children do. It took me years to get over the effects of my enviorment.

I deserved better and I didn't get it.

You hold the key to your children's well-being in the palm of your hand, use it to open a new door for them!

My Best,

Dolly
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Old 05-27-2010, 03:24 PM
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If Child Protective Services were a fly on the wall in your home, I wonder if they would allow your children to remain in your home...

It's one thing for 'you' to chose to remain in an emotionally and physical abusive relationship with a lunatic, it's an entirely different one to force your children to remain in one. I hope it's time for you to step up to the plate and do what's right for them.
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Old 05-27-2010, 03:28 PM
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I hope you understand that just because your marriage has failed, that does not mean YOU have failed. I stayed for a lot longer than I should have because I didn't grasp that. I equated my marriage ending with personal failure. It's not. I see that now, but I wish someone could have helped me see it then.

L
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Old 05-27-2010, 03:42 PM
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I am ALOT offended by the child protective services comment.....almost to tears....I assure you they have never been in harms way....I know they've heard arguing and seen some things they shouldn't...>I LOVE MY KIDS more than anything and want the best for them.
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Old 05-27-2010, 03:43 PM
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Originally Posted by mentallyexh View Post
I LOVE MY KIDS more than anything and want the best for them.
Unfortunately, wanting it doesn't make it so. It requires action. Sometimes difficult, painful action.........

L
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Old 05-27-2010, 04:03 PM
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EEEeeeeeew. Sounds like being married to a bullying alcoholic!!

Hope you find the road to serenity soon.

peace-
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Old 05-27-2010, 05:21 PM
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My post was not to offend, but rather to provoke some thought on your part regarding the environment in which your children are being raised.

It's often difficult for us to see the situation we are in when we are living 'in' it.

My mother is Boarderline Personality Disordered and my Dad was the most loving, compassionate, protective person, but that didn't prevent me from suffering emotionally as an adult as a result.
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Old 05-27-2010, 05:25 PM
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Quote from Mentallyexh. (( I am ALOT offended by the child protective services comment.....almost to tears....I assure you they have never been in harms way....I know they've heard arguing and seen some things they shouldn't...>I LOVE MY KIDS more than anything and want the best for them. ))

My dear, this man is a bully, and loses his temper at the drop of a hat. He didn't give a hoot about your baby while it was in your womb, yelling and carrying on thru the pregnancy, and he doesn't give a hoot NOW.
All he wants is control over you, and to get back to his precious booze ASAP.
You have upset his ideas by not being his little yes woman, so you are going to get yelled at or worse til you get back to what HE wants.

Never been in harms way? These children ARE IN HARMS WAY every minute they are with you and he is there ready to explode. Please stop trying to rescue a dead relationship with a vicious and volatile jerk, get him out of there and away from your kids.
You say, "I LOVE MY KIDS more than anything and want the best for them", but let all this anger, abuse swirl around them, and the way he acts, they could easily get "in the way" of his fist, or some object aimed at you.

YOUR CHILDREN AND YOU ARE IN DANGER. The best for them is to be away from the toxic situation, but YOU need to stand up, stop being wishy washy about it all, and get the help necessary to send him packing.
If you can't do that for them, then at some stage either he will physically harm you, hurt them and/or Children's Services will come into it.

Please, do it for you and those defenceless children.

God bless
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Old 05-27-2010, 08:12 PM
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Originally Posted by mentallyexh View Post
I am ALOT offended by the child protective services comment.....almost to tears....I assure you they have never been in harms way....I know they've heard arguing and seen some things they shouldn't...>I LOVE MY KIDS more than anything and want the best for them.
I really don't think they are trying to offend you, it sometimes takes these types of things to wake us up to realize the things going on..At first I felt offended when people commented in a blunt way about my stepson issue, I really really am thankful that I heard the raw truth...I can relate to you, having two little ones, mine are 2 and 3...hang in there and keep those kids safe. Can you have him leave? He has no no right to treat you that way.
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Old 05-27-2010, 08:38 PM
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I would like to suggest this excellent book. I think you'll learn a LOT about the dynamics of your relationship and what hope there is for its future.

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
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Old 05-27-2010, 08:47 PM
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mentallyexh,

I want to gently point out that the title of your post is "Abusive Cycle". Abusers do not limit themselves to only one victim: your children are absolutely in harm's way and that does not mean that you don't love them, or that you don't want to protect them.

With what I've learned about myself I know now that when I've stayed in abusive relationships it's been rooted in something deep that came from before ANY of my relationships...I urge you to leave this situation for the safety of you and your children (can you imagine what their lives would be like if anything happened to YOU? They would be raised by this angry alcoholic man), and then figure out what it is about you that is okay with how you're being treated.

Please, please...I can't emphasize this enough...get him out (or go with the kids to a safe place). A woman near my town was murdered by her angry alcoholic boyfriend a few years ago. He's in jail now, she's dead (a very gruesome death) and I have no idea what's become of their orphan children.

posie
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Old 05-27-2010, 08:59 PM
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There is more than one cycle at play here. There is the fighting, making up, tension building, fighting again.....that you recognize. But there is also a much more harmful, insidious cycle going on. My marriage was eerily similar to my parent's marriage, which in turn was eerily similar to my grandparent's marriage. Those are all the generations I have first hand knowledge of, but it likely goes back much farther. You may feel that your children are not in immediate danger (which as you can see from the posts here, is a matter of opinion), but you cannot deny that we learn what we live and go on to live what we have learned. So, by staying in an awful situation, you are predisposing them to repeating the cycle when they grow up. It's a very tragic legacy to leave them. Unless someone (you) breaks the cycle, it will continue.

L
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Old 05-28-2010, 06:45 AM
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Can I just ask: what are you getting out of this marriage?
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Old 05-28-2010, 08:12 AM
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About LTD's post:

My marriage turned into a copy of my IL's marriage.
What else did my abusive, rageaholic husband know except what he saw every day of his life?

He made me (and I participated!) into the unhappy, needy, unfulfilled, overburdened wife who over-shopped and overate to fill the cavern inside where love was supposed to be.

He got to be the put-upon, overburdened husband whom nobody understood. he screamed "just leave me the f%&* alone" and told me that I was an "annoying, clingy ball and chain" while I did everything in my power (hahahaha) to control an uncontrollable situation while I let myself become depressed and powerless.

It was awful. And I felt personally responsible for getting into it, and I thought that committed, serious people don't just walk away and tear their children's home apart. I was afraid of naming my marriage a failure, too. But my failure to call it that didn't change what it was and what it was doing to my kids and me.

Good luck.
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