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Abusive cycle

Old 05-28-2010, 10:21 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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I agree w/ LTD-- I recreated the dynamic of my parent's marriage to a T. I thought I was avoiding that by NOT marrying an A like my father.

Ha. I just had to learn things the hard way I guess. The problems were within ME all the time. I had serious codependency issues and unfortunately I was doomed to repeat that DYNAMIC I learned from my parents no matter who I married.

I feel for you mentallyexH. I have known no loneliness greater than the loneliness and anguish I felt in my shi**y marriage. Cataloguing his disappointing behavior. Walking on eggshells, WAITING and settling for shreds of kindness and attention, while running the house and raising the babies. I am a runner and I used to be out jogging and turning over and over in my mind "How am I gonna get out of this, how am I gonna get out of this?" The day he flew off the handle and smashed up a bunch of stuff in the house in front of me and our 3 yr old son I thought "Holy crap, we're gonna be next!" And that's how I finally got out of it - by choosing to leave because enough was enough was enough and I was endangering everything I hold dear - especially my SANITY. In spite of all the difficulty of ending it (financial, emotional, social) it was probably the FIRST conscious and good relationship decision I had ever made in my life!

Divorce and therapy got me on a whole new track.

Keep an open mind. The whole entire world of possible healthy choices is right outside your doorstep. And you ARE free in this moment.

peace-
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Old 05-28-2010, 11:06 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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This thread has really been timely for me. I've been trying to sort out portions of my past 6 years. I vacillate between minimizing my AH actions and feeling like I'm awfulizing them. He never laid a hand on me, he would yell and yell about the stupidest sh**, but I think only when I "nagged" him about his drinking or not doing something he promised (because he was drunk). I'm not small, I'm 5'4, but he's a 6'7 rugby player. When we would argue, he would be 'right there' yelling down in my face, tense his arms and shoulders and then walk out the door. I always felt like I caused the arguments. He would yell and yell at our then-2-year old for knocking over his beer, or glass of "water" (aka vodka), when he would leave it on the floor by the couch "out of sight." When I'd step in and grab our son, he'd either stop and flop back on the couch or start in yelling at me. He would come back later and say that he's sorry that he would never hit me, that that's why he left the house.

I'm still not sure what to think, but I'm so glad I left. Mentallyexh, if you're not ready to leave, at least get a clear picture in your head where you will draw the line and know what actions you'll be willing to take when he does go over that line. Keep your and your daughter's safety and well-being at the top of your priority list.
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Old 05-28-2010, 11:18 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by mentallyexh View Post
I know what you are saying is true...I KNOW IT with everything in me. I just need to be stronger....I need to let myself say this marriage doesn't work, isn't healthy and it's ok for it to fail.
Hey, I left when my daughter was an infant. Was it painful? Yes, because I left her behind with someone whom, although I am having a hard time proving it, is unhealthy and IMHO not a stable parent. My ex A could screw up at anytime, indeed, it might work out for me in the end because if she does, then me, being the father would have to step up and take over. I wouldn't be happy if things came to that, but that's the reality and there is nothing I can do to fix it.

I would, however, feel better knowing that I could provide my daughter with stability and a loving family free of sickness.
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Old 05-28-2010, 11:24 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by mentallyexh View Post
I am ALOT offended by the child protective services comment.....almost to tears....I assure you they have never been in harms way....I know they've heard arguing and seen some things they shouldn't...>I LOVE MY KIDS more than anything and want the best for them.
Please do not be offended. People are trying to help you see this situation from a better vantage point. It is sometimes very hard to do that when you are *in* the situation.. I wish I'd have found this group so much earlier then I did. I needed them, and perspective's like these, loooooong before I got them. I was so blinded by my picture of a perfect family and the need to give that to my kids that I would not let go of my husband. Over the years I became consumed by fear, anger, resentment, frustration, confusion. You put out into the world what consumes you in your inner world. So this is what my children got - fear/confusion/anger from one parent (me) and absent alcoholism and a bit of passive manipulation/emotional abuse from the other (him). How truly tragic. In your circumstance your husband rages but you are silent. How is there a happy ending in that? If only I would have sought out someone to help me refocus sooner......

I waited until I had hit *my* bottom....and my children paid the price. I love my children. There isn't a person that meets me that doesn't say that it is obvious I love my children. Loving them isn't enough.

Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
But there is also a much more harmful, insidious cycle going on. ...............you are predisposing them to repeating the cycle when they grow up. It's a very tragic legacy to leave them. Unless someone (you) breaks the cycle, it will continue.
In the end, in addition to my own inability to cope any longer...this is what brought me to taking action...and then finding SR. My parental marriage was different from mine but it was not a good example. My mother, whom I love with all my heart and have so many many good memories of, and so many reasons to be thankful to her, was a very unhappy woman. I learned some very dysfunctional things from her. Things that hurt my heart when I was a child and that still hurt my heart today. I was alarmed to realized that some of my basic ways of parenting are the same. We truly do become our parents. It is what we know.

We all get a map in life. It is legacy all children get from their parents. This map is the one they will follow and only with great difficulty will they be able to deviate from it. I am following the map my parents drew for me...and my xah was/is following his. I was alarmed when I saw the map we were drawing for our children - because it looked just like ours.

I am trying to re-write my map. It is hard because I don't have the skills for a new map. My skills are those of co-dependency and some other not nice things and they are suited for the map I have. Without even knowing it - I was following my childhood map, turn after turn. I want a new map, so have to learn new skills.

I am doing that so I can give my kids a better map, and the skills to use it. To me, that is loving them. It trumps my vision of the perfect family.


Thinking of you and wishing you strength and peace.
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Old 05-28-2010, 07:28 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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I am sometimes maybe a bit harsh in the words I use to get a message that I believe is important, over to someone. Where children are present when abuse is flying round, even if not physical towards them....my blood starts pumping hard.

I was 21, had recovered from a miscarriage (3 months) and was standing beside a young mum with a baby peacefully asleep on her shoulder, a lovely picture which gave me both pleasure and pain. Next thing I see is a man in front of us, his fist heading for the mum's face, and then the babies head bouncing off my shoulder.

It is 45 years since that day and is still as clear as if it were 5 minutes ago. I still feel the shock and the fear, and it still makes me nauseous.

The man stood, swaying and looking bewildered, muttering "didn't mean him, it was for you". He was held by a couple of men, and dragged away from sight, thank God.

Meanwhile I stood as if frozen, unable to move. The young mum, held her baby to her as others came to help, one a lady doctor who asked if she could check the child was ok.
Dear Lord, the minute the child was moved it was obvious he was dead, and from a broken neck. His mum began screaming, others were crying and altogether it was chaos.

Police arrived, and that was another stage in a nightmare, their questions, making statements, preparing for a court case etc.
It wasn't contested, I didn't have to attend and man served time in jail.

It is because of this event, that I posted about the children in this thread, being in harm's way even tho they have never been hurt up to now. I have seen the results of "accidental" abuse on other occassions, but the above time is personal to me as I was there and saw it myself.
Now I think I will go and have the crying session I have put off for the past hour.

God bless
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Old 05-28-2010, 07:40 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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(((Jadmack)))

I've got tears in my eyes. Be gentle with yourself.
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Old 05-28-2010, 08:00 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Oh Jadmack ((((Hugs))))

What a painful memory.

Thank you for sharing your experience.
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Old 05-28-2010, 08:27 PM
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That's horrible, Jadmack. I know it wasn't easy to share that with us....but thank you.
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Old 05-28-2010, 09:15 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Jadmack,

You're so generous with your prayers...now I send them back for you. Thank you for sharing this oh-so-important story. That babe did not die in vain, you are teaching the story of his life. Thank you.

Love,
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Old 05-29-2010, 05:49 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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I appreciate everyone's kind words, and I know you are all right about what you are saying. I know it or I wouldn't have posted this thread. I am SO scared to be alone again, even though I did it before him. I think this is partially due to the fact that he tells me all the time how much I need him and am basically "worthless" - while I know this isn't true, I think it has eroded some of my self confidence. He blew up the other night after I posted, and I told him to get out. OF course if you have read my others posts you know this is an ongoing battle. He makes me feel very, very guilty over the whole thing - it is his trap for me. We'll see what happens...I have an exciting weekend planned with my family at my parents pool, so we'll be doing that and hopefully that will give me some time to seperate myself from the situtation. Again, thank you all for your thoughts, I really do take them to heart.
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Old 05-29-2010, 06:21 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by mentallyexh View Post
I am SO scared to be alone again, even though I did it before him. I think this is partially due to the fact that he tells me all the time how much I need him and am basically "worthless" - while I know this isn't true, I think it has eroded some of my self confidence..
This is an extremely common dynamic for an abuser. You are NOT weak and you ARE very capable of taking care of yourself otherwise you wouldn't even be here. Please read that book I recommended earlier.
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Old 05-29-2010, 06:33 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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The other day I reposted a little test on F&F of Addicts forum. If you haven't seen it, you may want to take a peek.

Might be of some help to you.

Enjoy your weekend.
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Old 05-29-2010, 08:08 AM
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Originally Posted by mentallyexh View Post
He makes me feel very, very guilty over the whole thing - it is his trap for me.
Then stop speaking to him. He cannot "make" you feel anything. You have to allow it. Stop allowing it.

I hope you have a great weekend!

L
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Old 06-02-2010, 03:57 AM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by tjp613 View Post
I would like to suggest this excellent book. I think you'll learn a LOT about the dynamics of your relationship and what hope there is for its future.

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
Yes, this is a good book, I've read it.
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Old 06-02-2010, 04:03 AM
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These are all comments I needed to hear as well, although, hard to hear.
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Old 06-02-2010, 07:31 AM
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How are you doing today mentallyexh?
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Old 06-02-2010, 05:45 PM
  # 37 (permalink)  
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today

Today is another day of me learning...I guess...thank you for asking how I am doing. My AH came back, and I don't have the strength to care right now...I have sick kids and a newborn....but here is the GOOD NEWS...

I guess occassionally I need an ear to listen and talk to....and today I had an appt w/ my doctor for my checkup after delivery of my baby. Her and I are close, and I was sharing with her some of the recent events in my relationship. She got tears in her eyes and said M you don't deserve this you know that. We talked and talked.....she is so wonderful....and she gave me a new sense of what I deserve and what I don't deserve. I knew this was true....but it really set in today that there is more to this life...etc. She asked me what would I say if one of my best friends was telling me this...what would I tell them to do....and without hesitation I can tell you that I would tell them to get out, that they don't deserve that and neither do their kids. SO....I believe it will all come to an end soon and am preparing myself financially and otherwise for this. I really can't take much more...I am at my "rock bottom" in this relationship......I feel as I have nothing left to give or care to give to him. He knows this and he is "feeling" this from me too. Please pray for my strength as I do what I need to do the way I need to do it!
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Old 06-02-2010, 06:08 PM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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Many long years ago, my mum used to quote the 2nd verse of a poem to me....but we never knew the name of it or if there were any more verses.
Only 2 years ago I found it while "ambling" my way on the internet, and love it even more now it is complete. It gives me such hope, in the worst of times and I hope it helps you in some way, thru the hard times you are having right now.

You have been in my prayer life every day since long before your babe was born.

God bless
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Old 06-02-2010, 06:31 PM
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I love that, Jadmack. Thank you for sharing.
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Old 06-02-2010, 06:55 PM
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My boyfriend's aunt just lived that. She has huge issues. (Like cleaning everything ALL the time, even mopping the entrance 353425 times when its raining and keeps raining).

Their kids "somehow" learned to shout, insult, even their Mom. (It has not been disclosed where they learned to do that but I got suspicions. Funny how in my culture its all about the "crazy mom" and males are innocent pigeons. Right.)

Well, yesterday a neighbor called Child Protection services as they heard shouting for the Nth time- bottomline -neither one of the parents will see their kids for a looooooooooong time.

The aunt is DEVASTATED. But she would have sworn no one knew what was going on in their house... just like with alcoholism... everyone thinks its a secret and no one notices while everybody knows and everyone around is being affected, much more than anyone that has not lived it can ever imagine.

Hugs, mentallyexh, I was very glad to read your last post. It is funny that sometimes we imagine a dark place is where we are going to, when actually, we are already IN that dark place and where we are going is somewhere brighter and happier, much more than one can grasp.

PS Jadmack what a horrible experience, thank you for sharing a powerful message.
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