Good news
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Good news
AH just phoned me to tell me he has made an appointment to have full blood tests done tomorrow.
He sounded terrified and said he's scared.
I said I'm very glad for him, that's he decided to do so. I said I wish him well. I asked if he needed anything, and he said no.
I could tell he wanted me to ask him to come home and to help him, give him comfort. I too felt so much like doing so, but I didn't. It's time I let this man take responsibility for himself.
I just said, I hope it goes well.
he said I'll let you know.
And I said goodby.
I think this was the hardest thing I ever did.
I have to admit at some level I'm asking myself if this is cruel. Should I have been more compassionate, should I have talked some more to him. Should I....
But than I think I can't continue shielding him from reality, he has to face it himself.
There is nothing I can do but pray things are not as bad as I think.
And I also know, if they are I'll support him through his final hours. I don't know what kind of support is that going to be, but noone deserves to die alone. But if there is a still hope for him, I'll let him fight his own battles without me taking any part in it.
All of this is just so, so hard. But still I have some peace, as I know all of it is out of my control.
Do you think I'm doing a right thing?
And I can't even begin to tell you how much all your support means to me, I would have never come this far if it wasn't for you guys. This place has become a reality check point for me.
He sounded terrified and said he's scared.
I said I'm very glad for him, that's he decided to do so. I said I wish him well. I asked if he needed anything, and he said no.
I could tell he wanted me to ask him to come home and to help him, give him comfort. I too felt so much like doing so, but I didn't. It's time I let this man take responsibility for himself.
I just said, I hope it goes well.
he said I'll let you know.
And I said goodby.
I think this was the hardest thing I ever did.
I have to admit at some level I'm asking myself if this is cruel. Should I have been more compassionate, should I have talked some more to him. Should I....
But than I think I can't continue shielding him from reality, he has to face it himself.
There is nothing I can do but pray things are not as bad as I think.
And I also know, if they are I'll support him through his final hours. I don't know what kind of support is that going to be, but noone deserves to die alone. But if there is a still hope for him, I'll let him fight his own battles without me taking any part in it.
All of this is just so, so hard. But still I have some peace, as I know all of it is out of my control.
Do you think I'm doing a right thing?
And I can't even begin to tell you how much all your support means to me, I would have never come this far if it wasn't for you guys. This place has become a reality check point for me.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
My prayers are with both of you, sesh. You're so brave and strong. There's nothing worse than NOT knowing, so once he has the facts, no matter what they are, there will be some resolution and maybe peace in that.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
When we surrender, when we let go, when we leave the results to God, we are relieved. 
Hang on to that sense of peace you are feeling. There will be much more of that as you progress in your own recovery.
I'm proud of you! :ghug3
Hang on to that sense of peace you are feeling. There will be much more of that as you progress in your own recovery.
I'm proud of you! :ghug3
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Letting go is sometimes harder than hanging on. Let's face it, if someone got me on a trapeze, (a snowball's chance in hell of doing that in reality) and then told me to LET GO and trust I would be ok......well, it would a long time before I did it.
This is a scary time for you both, him standing on his own two feet and having to do it for himself, and for you having to stand aside and let him manage, without you being his safety net.
I hope those tests are nowhere as bad as you fear, and that both you and AH have the life you really want.
God bless
This is a scary time for you both, him standing on his own two feet and having to do it for himself, and for you having to stand aside and let him manage, without you being his safety net.
I hope those tests are nowhere as bad as you fear, and that both you and AH have the life you really want.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
Sesh, I'm just so amazed by all the strength you've mustered these last weeks. You've become so inspiring for me. It's like you KNOW what the right thing to do is and you do it, even if you second guess yourself. I have complete faith that you know the right path and you're going to keep walking on it.
Keep us posted. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for your kids sake that your AH isn't too bad off.
Keep us posted. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for your kids sake that your AH isn't too bad off.
Persevere, Never give up!
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Stellenbosch, South Africa
Posts: 882
Originally Posted by sesh 
[B].
.There is nothing I can do but pray things are not as bad as I think.
And I also know, if they are I'll support him through his final hours. I don't know what kind of support is that going to be, but noone deserves to die alone. But if there is a still hope for him, I'll let him fight his own battles without me taking any part in it.
.There is nothing I can do but pray things are not as bad as I think.
And I also know, if they are I'll support him through his final hours. I don't know what kind of support is that going to be, but noone deserves to die alone. But if there is a still hope for him, I'll let him fight his own battles without me taking any part in it.
Do not tackle life without the power of the Holy Spirit, HE is available to you. HE will bring sparkle and joy back into your life so u can live abundantly.
My prayers are with you both.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Thanks.
Your words mean so much to me.
Nast night was a bit rocky. Phone woke me up at 12:30 am, and it was AH asking me to open the front door for him. He got in, was a bit tipsy, and said he appologizes for bursting on me like this, but it's easier for him to go to the doctors from here in the morning (BS) and if he could stay on the couch and he'll be out by 7:00 am.
As I just woke up (and I'm not a kind of person that has its bearings back in the same instant after waking up) I got scared by phone call at such a late hour, but I had it together enough to figure thare is no point in trying to say anything to him, especially since he was drinking and saying If you want me to leave I will right away, but it was said in a way like he wants to angage me into conversation I dind't feel like having. I didn't want him here, but I didn't want arguing so I just said ok, and went back to bedroom.
This morning as he was about to leave i got up and told him:
"please don't do this ever again, you made you choices in your life and I've made mine, it doens't give you the right to disturb me like this, I'm trying to find some peace for kids and me and you're not helping. If you need some help finding good doctors or something along those lines, I'll do what I can, but you can't be coming here any more and disburbing me."
He said: "Ok I'm never coming here again than, I don't need your help, I'm doing this on my own,...." And acting hurt, and blah, blah, blah.
It didn't upset me so much, none of it. If anything I just comfirmed my thinking.
But what did upset me a lot is this. Before he left last week I noticed a small bruise under his left eye, but this morning I saw it got bigger and he has the same thing under his other eye. And this is really worring me. I don't know what does that mean. Does any one of you know? I'm sure it's not good at all, and it is definetelly a sign of something, but what? A liver faliure? I want to google it, but than I don't feel into reading a bunch of staff on liver deseases...
And did I tell you, he's only 38 years old.
It just feels so wrong.
Your words mean so much to me.
Nast night was a bit rocky. Phone woke me up at 12:30 am, and it was AH asking me to open the front door for him. He got in, was a bit tipsy, and said he appologizes for bursting on me like this, but it's easier for him to go to the doctors from here in the morning (BS) and if he could stay on the couch and he'll be out by 7:00 am.
As I just woke up (and I'm not a kind of person that has its bearings back in the same instant after waking up) I got scared by phone call at such a late hour, but I had it together enough to figure thare is no point in trying to say anything to him, especially since he was drinking and saying If you want me to leave I will right away, but it was said in a way like he wants to angage me into conversation I dind't feel like having. I didn't want him here, but I didn't want arguing so I just said ok, and went back to bedroom.
This morning as he was about to leave i got up and told him:
"please don't do this ever again, you made you choices in your life and I've made mine, it doens't give you the right to disturb me like this, I'm trying to find some peace for kids and me and you're not helping. If you need some help finding good doctors or something along those lines, I'll do what I can, but you can't be coming here any more and disburbing me."
He said: "Ok I'm never coming here again than, I don't need your help, I'm doing this on my own,...." And acting hurt, and blah, blah, blah.
It didn't upset me so much, none of it. If anything I just comfirmed my thinking.
But what did upset me a lot is this. Before he left last week I noticed a small bruise under his left eye, but this morning I saw it got bigger and he has the same thing under his other eye. And this is really worring me. I don't know what does that mean. Does any one of you know? I'm sure it's not good at all, and it is definetelly a sign of something, but what? A liver faliure? I want to google it, but than I don't feel into reading a bunch of staff on liver deseases...
And did I tell you, he's only 38 years old.
It just feels so wrong.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Hold on there...it's his bruise, his body and his problem. Let's be honest here, whatever you find out online won't change anything, right? You can worry yourself sick about what kind of disease he may have, but in the end, there's strictly nothing you can do about this.
Keep focusing on you!!
Keep focusing on you!!
Sobriety Date: Feb 2009
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Osaka, Jpn
Posts: 389
I am alcoholic. I know that family members need to keep focusing on themselves and let alcoholic go. Are there any chance to intervention to the alcoholic? You just let them go and wait them to hit bottom? That is the basic pattern?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
If you found the bruises under his eyes were signs of some medical condition, eg liver, kidney, heart disease, door banging or whatever, what can you do anyway?
Stopping him drinking has been beyond anything you have tried.
Your desire for his sobriety and recovery is not his desire.
Both of you may be scared of having tests done, of the results of those tests, but while you are worrying, he is out drinking his fear away.
Quote: (("But than I think I can't continue shielding him from reality, he has to face it himself.))
Your words, and exactly right. How he faces up to what is ahead, is HIS business.
He may head for the drink and try and blot it out, he may surrender quietly to treatment and recovery, he may do something anywhere between these two.
Whatever he chooses is out of your hands, beyond your ability to influence or fix.
Your ability to influence is where your children are involved, as you are their example....spend time that will be fruitful, with them, instead of worrying over what is out of your control.
Sesh, if you keep on worrying, fearing, running after someone who needs to do it for himself, he is not going to be the only sick one, with bruised looking eyes.....you will have them too.
Take care of yourself first, for all your sakes.
God bless
Stopping him drinking has been beyond anything you have tried.
Your desire for his sobriety and recovery is not his desire.
Both of you may be scared of having tests done, of the results of those tests, but while you are worrying, he is out drinking his fear away.
Quote: (("But than I think I can't continue shielding him from reality, he has to face it himself.))
Your words, and exactly right. How he faces up to what is ahead, is HIS business.
He may head for the drink and try and blot it out, he may surrender quietly to treatment and recovery, he may do something anywhere between these two.
Whatever he chooses is out of your hands, beyond your ability to influence or fix.
Your ability to influence is where your children are involved, as you are their example....spend time that will be fruitful, with them, instead of worrying over what is out of your control.
Sesh, if you keep on worrying, fearing, running after someone who needs to do it for himself, he is not going to be the only sick one, with bruised looking eyes.....you will have them too.
Take care of yourself first, for all your sakes.
God bless
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: In Between
Posts: 39
Sesh, I'm glad to hear that he is going to the doctor. I'm sorry to hear that he is not respecting your boundaries. I don't really have any advice to offer, as I am struggling to know how to handle this myself. I just wanted you to know that I understand what you are going through, and you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Thank you all for your kind words, positive thoughts and prayers you're sending my way.
I'm feeling at peace.
AH was admitted to hospital yesterday afternoon. It's a liver cirrosis. As his next of kin, I was asked to come to the hospital this morning. They've told me it's quite bad but there is a still chance he might pull through it, as he's quite young.
While we were driving in the ambulance to the hospital he's been transferred to, I asked him to make a choice whether he wants to live and fight for his life or not. If he doesn't want to do that we'll tell the driver to stop the car, and he can go and finish himself, and spare everyone prolonged suffering. He said he wants to live.
I arranged everything that needed to be done and left him in doctor's capable hands.
That's all I could do. That's all I wanted to do.
I don't know what is going to happen, but I'm ok with that. The line between the things I can control and the ones I can't has never been more clear to me.
The doctors were so surprised to find out I'm his wife, as they couldn't believe how well I am.
I told the kids. I explained the reasons he's in the hospital, told them it is serious but we can not know what is going to happen. I answered all their questions as honestly as I could. They took it quite well. We talked how important it is to process our emotions, as we have them for a reason to help us deal with our pain and allowe us to get past it.
We have the rest of the day planned to do fun stuff together.
I'm praying he'll pull through it and start recovery. That's all I can do for him. But there is so much I can do for myself and our kids.
This must be the strangest thing to say right now, but Life is good. Life is better than I thought it to be in a very long time.
Thanks for all your support.
I'm feeling at peace.
AH was admitted to hospital yesterday afternoon. It's a liver cirrosis. As his next of kin, I was asked to come to the hospital this morning. They've told me it's quite bad but there is a still chance he might pull through it, as he's quite young.
While we were driving in the ambulance to the hospital he's been transferred to, I asked him to make a choice whether he wants to live and fight for his life or not. If he doesn't want to do that we'll tell the driver to stop the car, and he can go and finish himself, and spare everyone prolonged suffering. He said he wants to live.
I arranged everything that needed to be done and left him in doctor's capable hands.
That's all I could do. That's all I wanted to do.
I don't know what is going to happen, but I'm ok with that. The line between the things I can control and the ones I can't has never been more clear to me.
The doctors were so surprised to find out I'm his wife, as they couldn't believe how well I am.
I told the kids. I explained the reasons he's in the hospital, told them it is serious but we can not know what is going to happen. I answered all their questions as honestly as I could. They took it quite well. We talked how important it is to process our emotions, as we have them for a reason to help us deal with our pain and allowe us to get past it.
We have the rest of the day planned to do fun stuff together.
I'm praying he'll pull through it and start recovery. That's all I can do for him. But there is so much I can do for myself and our kids.
This must be the strangest thing to say right now, but Life is good. Life is better than I thought it to be in a very long time.
Thanks for all your support.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
This must be the strangest thing to say right now, but Life is good. Life is better than I thought it to be in a very long time.
Fantastic for you and your children.
Beth
(alright, i got a little weepy at what i quoted, it is soooo great!)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Just a quick update.
I'm supposed to go to the hospital to speak to the doctors now. Since they did some more tests this morning, I guess they are going to tell me how bad it acctually is and what his survival chances are.
I'm doing good, quite good under the cirumstances. I just feel a bit upset with my family. They are not giving me any support through this time. I expected them to, but now I can see it wasn't smart of me to expect it. They're not phoning me, or asking me anything. I'm not sure but I think the main reason for it is that whole freaking town is talking about it now, they feel ashamed, and don't want nothing to have with it. Why would that stop them from giving me support is beyond me, but that seems to be in question here. I find it so narrow minded and disrespectfull to me. I don't think, given the history, this is a right time for my mum to start being judgmental on me.
But on the other hand, even better, it makes me realize so many things and how I always put myself down in that relationship too. So instead of feeling hurt I'm chosing to learn from it. It feels it's a bit too much at the moment, but I should take this too as a gift that's helping me lose my ilusions, so I'm going to think positive.
To give you a better idea what I'm talking about I'll just tell you my friend saw my mum the day we found out AH has cirrosis, and she told her: "She's an idiot for telling kids, just hurting them, she couldn't wait for this to happen so she can take him back."
I never led her believe I'm taking AH back, never discussed anything like that with her at all, or any of my plans or emotions, and I just think that's the most hurtful thing she could say about me.
But so be it.
We live and we learn.
Few more beliefs and paradigms I need to question.
I hope AH can survive, and I hope his HP protects him and guides him to a right path.
I hope my HP does same for me.
I'm supposed to go to the hospital to speak to the doctors now. Since they did some more tests this morning, I guess they are going to tell me how bad it acctually is and what his survival chances are.
I'm doing good, quite good under the cirumstances. I just feel a bit upset with my family. They are not giving me any support through this time. I expected them to, but now I can see it wasn't smart of me to expect it. They're not phoning me, or asking me anything. I'm not sure but I think the main reason for it is that whole freaking town is talking about it now, they feel ashamed, and don't want nothing to have with it. Why would that stop them from giving me support is beyond me, but that seems to be in question here. I find it so narrow minded and disrespectfull to me. I don't think, given the history, this is a right time for my mum to start being judgmental on me.
But on the other hand, even better, it makes me realize so many things and how I always put myself down in that relationship too. So instead of feeling hurt I'm chosing to learn from it. It feels it's a bit too much at the moment, but I should take this too as a gift that's helping me lose my ilusions, so I'm going to think positive.
To give you a better idea what I'm talking about I'll just tell you my friend saw my mum the day we found out AH has cirrosis, and she told her: "She's an idiot for telling kids, just hurting them, she couldn't wait for this to happen so she can take him back."
I never led her believe I'm taking AH back, never discussed anything like that with her at all, or any of my plans or emotions, and I just think that's the most hurtful thing she could say about me.
But so be it.
We live and we learn.
Few more beliefs and paradigms I need to question.
I hope AH can survive, and I hope his HP protects him and guides him to a right path.
I hope my HP does same for me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi sesh-
totally understand the small town mindset. i went thru the same thing when my xABF broke my shoulder. very little support and it was almost as if i had done something to be ashamed of.
listen girlfriend, it's a blessing in disguise. you will soon find out who your real friends are and you will also find out who are the gossipers and slanderers.
in a weird way, i discovered that small towns like this one almost feed on this type of drama. it's like a tv show or entertainment to them in some sick way. they will talk plenty behind your back and yet, say nothing to your face.
anyway, i'm glad to know who my friends are and who aren't. it's a tough lesson but a good one.
and, be ready for unexpected support from surprise people. that was the nice part.
the other nice part of recovery is you will find it spreading to your other relationships. i found once i began my recovery and really took a good hard honest look at myself, i feared conversation with no man.
naive
totally understand the small town mindset. i went thru the same thing when my xABF broke my shoulder. very little support and it was almost as if i had done something to be ashamed of.
listen girlfriend, it's a blessing in disguise. you will soon find out who your real friends are and you will also find out who are the gossipers and slanderers.
in a weird way, i discovered that small towns like this one almost feed on this type of drama. it's like a tv show or entertainment to them in some sick way. they will talk plenty behind your back and yet, say nothing to your face.
anyway, i'm glad to know who my friends are and who aren't. it's a tough lesson but a good one.
and, be ready for unexpected support from surprise people. that was the nice part.
the other nice part of recovery is you will find it spreading to your other relationships. i found once i began my recovery and really took a good hard honest look at myself, i feared conversation with no man.
naive
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