Trust and Forgiveness
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 3
Trust and Forgiveness
I have been abstinent from alcohol for 9 months with only the help of my fiance. I have also improved my eating habits, fitness and got acceptted to college. There are some great things happening for me but my relationship is not one of them.
We have some trust issues that I am accepting to (I did some mean things when I was drinking.) But I'm begining to feel degraded. A couple weeks ago durring intercourse he told me it felt like I had been with someone else. He went to the bathroom and sprayed lysol on himself.
I have not cheated on him and this made me quite upset. It makes me wonder if he will ever trust me? I know I am an alcoholic but I am determined to have a happy life. I love everything I am learning and although it may be elementary to him, I want to share my life with him.
But when does being reminded of my wrongs in such a way become detrimental to me?
We have some trust issues that I am accepting to (I did some mean things when I was drinking.) But I'm begining to feel degraded. A couple weeks ago durring intercourse he told me it felt like I had been with someone else. He went to the bathroom and sprayed lysol on himself.
I have not cheated on him and this made me quite upset. It makes me wonder if he will ever trust me? I know I am an alcoholic but I am determined to have a happy life. I love everything I am learning and although it may be elementary to him, I want to share my life with him.
But when does being reminded of my wrongs in such a way become detrimental to me?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
The lysol thing was uncalled for and you should tell him this. Trust does take time to rebuild but that is no reason to treat you like a prostitute, and there is no need for you to take this kind of crap. You need to draw some boundaries IMHO.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
First, I want to congratulate you on your sobriety! Good on you.
Next, Welcome to the SR family!
The Lysol thing was uncalled for. I guess any rash he received from spraying himself would be your fault too?
In recovery from alcoholism, we have to learn new life skills and new ways to respond to life. We also have to learn to love ourselves and accept ourselves.
In recovering from living with an active alcoholic, we have to learn new ways of responding to our partner. We also have to accept them as they are today. We have to learn to take care of ourselves and let the recovering A take care of themselves.
If both partners are not growing in recovery, the relationship can become toxic with resentments and anger.
I am Pelican. I am a recovering alcoholic and a recovering (ex)partner of an alcoholic.
In my opinion, your partner needs to find his own recovery.
Next, Welcome to the SR family!
The Lysol thing was uncalled for. I guess any rash he received from spraying himself would be your fault too?
In recovery from alcoholism, we have to learn new life skills and new ways to respond to life. We also have to learn to love ourselves and accept ourselves.
In recovering from living with an active alcoholic, we have to learn new ways of responding to our partner. We also have to accept them as they are today. We have to learn to take care of ourselves and let the recovering A take care of themselves.
If both partners are not growing in recovery, the relationship can become toxic with resentments and anger.
I am Pelican. I am a recovering alcoholic and a recovering (ex)partner of an alcoholic.
In my opinion, your partner needs to find his own recovery.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
I'd say it's important to realize that the issue of trust, and the issue of respectful behavior are two different things.
It's fair that he may have trust issues, if you have a record of bad behaviors in the past. It's acceptable that he may need to rebuild trust.
It's disrespectful to behave in ways that denigrate, humiliate, attack, demean, or devalue you. It's not acceptable that he behave toward you disrespectfully, ever.
The latter can be a sign of a potential controller/abuser.
CLMI
It's fair that he may have trust issues, if you have a record of bad behaviors in the past. It's acceptable that he may need to rebuild trust.
It's disrespectful to behave in ways that denigrate, humiliate, attack, demean, or devalue you. It's not acceptable that he behave toward you disrespectfully, ever.
The latter can be a sign of a potential controller/abuser.
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
It isn't trust this boy needs to learn about, it is where he misplaced his manners.
His lysol act was not only out of place, it was cruel and upsetting to you, and he needs telling that he was out of order.
Staying sober is difficult at best, without someone making comments like this, and at a supposedly "loving" time.
All the best to you in your recovery and sobriety.
God bless
His lysol act was not only out of place, it was cruel and upsetting to you, and he needs telling that he was out of order.
Staying sober is difficult at best, without someone making comments like this, and at a supposedly "loving" time.
All the best to you in your recovery and sobriety.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Lysol? Not cool at all, not to mention, the stuff is toxic applied direct to the skin.
I get he's hurt and he's trying to hurt you and show you how bad you made him feel, but tell him next time to speak with words and not lysol.
That just weird
I get he's hurt and he's trying to hurt you and show you how bad you made him feel, but tell him next time to speak with words and not lysol.
That just weird
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
That's emotionally abusive, imho. Sex in a relationship is intimate and you are vulnerable, and to have sex with you and then accuse you of cheating and degrade you like a ***** with the lysol thing, is just unacceptable.
You can't keep punishing yourself for your past. At some point, you'll have to realize that yeah, you may have done all these things as an alcoholic, but that you have made amends and need to move on with your life. You deserve to be in a loving and trusting relationship.
You can't keep punishing yourself for your past. At some point, you'll have to realize that yeah, you may have done all these things as an alcoholic, but that you have made amends and need to move on with your life. You deserve to be in a loving and trusting relationship.
today4me
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 311
Originally Posted by Tina123 
I need to just accept it. He says he understands he has a choice to be with me and I understand the same. If I wanna be with him just accept that he has trouble trusting me. Right?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Here's the deal. His trust in you is his stuff to deal with, and it doesn't sound like he's dealing with it very well. Not your problem.
Being trustworthy, that's your stuff to deal with. From what you've shared, you are dealing with your stuff, keeping your side of the street clean.
If he can't work through his trust issues in a way that involves respect and integrity, you are not required to be his whipping post. While it's okay for him to have trust issues, it's not okay to be abusive to you. He doesn't get to punish you for his inability to deal.
If you believe the relationship is worth salvaging, then couples counseling might be your best bet. As it stands now, it sounds very unhealthy and unlikely to improve.
L
Being trustworthy, that's your stuff to deal with. From what you've shared, you are dealing with your stuff, keeping your side of the street clean.
If he can't work through his trust issues in a way that involves respect and integrity, you are not required to be his whipping post. While it's okay for him to have trust issues, it's not okay to be abusive to you. He doesn't get to punish you for his inability to deal.
If you believe the relationship is worth salvaging, then couples counseling might be your best bet. As it stands now, it sounds very unhealthy and unlikely to improve.
L
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