I don't know what I should put up with/detach and what is unacceptable Please HELP
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 20
I don't know what I should put up with/detach and what is unacceptable Please HELP
I'm pretty resentful right now. Last winter I had injured my back and needed to see the chiropractor. I was assured by DH that I would get my money back (as it was from babysitting money and child tax benefit money...MY money) once I submitted it to the insurance company.
I did so. Yesterday wee got a big ol' check for 430 dollars (150 dollars was from his eyeglasses). Even though $280 was "mine", I felt like I would be happy with 230 dollars. But he says, "NO, I'm giving you 200. I NEVER have any spending money. All of the money I earn goes to supporting the family."
OK, so let alone the fact that he was being cheeky with his tone and making snide comments about who "earns" the money, he spends about 200 dollars+ PER MONTH on cigarettes and alcohol. Those are HIS choices for how to spend money on himself. I don't care if they are addictions, that's how he chooses to spend his money.
Now, granted I've wasted money too. I have spent my child tax money and babysitting money on excess food, but rarely if ever do I turn around and take more of his money...though there have been occasions.
As it is, the last child tax benefit check I got I spent 150 on the phone bill and 150 on groceries/bulk items. That is 300 dollars of MY money that went to the household. So YES, I DO use my money for the family too...but should get some mad money...YES, I feel ENTITLED.
So when he gets in the car he's like, here. And hands me a wad of 20s equalling 200 dollars. "I paid the phone bill" he says. 75$, right?"
So great, the phone bill is paid off, but ONCE AGAIN, it has come from MY money. I wouldn't feel so upset about this if I didn't feel he was wasting what money we DO have for extras on smokes and alcohol or eating out at lunchtime....I've offered to make him meals/lunches...but they are always turned down.
Part of me wonders if I'm being petty. Part of me feels enraged and I will hold this resentment for a very long time.
I don't want to hold a resentment like this, but I sure as hell want to resolve it.
I don't even know how to bring this up with him, because, ultimately, he will get all immature, pout, throw 30 dollars at me and basically give me the message that I'm a spoiled, entitled, brat who always gets her way and he's always given the shaft.
I suppose I could bring it up and say I don't want the rest of the stinking money....but that here is how I feel about what happened.
It's moments like this...when I have no control, that I feel so...vulnerable and scared and screwed and I want **** everything and run...very fast, very far.
I did so. Yesterday wee got a big ol' check for 430 dollars (150 dollars was from his eyeglasses). Even though $280 was "mine", I felt like I would be happy with 230 dollars. But he says, "NO, I'm giving you 200. I NEVER have any spending money. All of the money I earn goes to supporting the family."
OK, so let alone the fact that he was being cheeky with his tone and making snide comments about who "earns" the money, he spends about 200 dollars+ PER MONTH on cigarettes and alcohol. Those are HIS choices for how to spend money on himself. I don't care if they are addictions, that's how he chooses to spend his money.
Now, granted I've wasted money too. I have spent my child tax money and babysitting money on excess food, but rarely if ever do I turn around and take more of his money...though there have been occasions.
As it is, the last child tax benefit check I got I spent 150 on the phone bill and 150 on groceries/bulk items. That is 300 dollars of MY money that went to the household. So YES, I DO use my money for the family too...but should get some mad money...YES, I feel ENTITLED.
So when he gets in the car he's like, here. And hands me a wad of 20s equalling 200 dollars. "I paid the phone bill" he says. 75$, right?"
So great, the phone bill is paid off, but ONCE AGAIN, it has come from MY money. I wouldn't feel so upset about this if I didn't feel he was wasting what money we DO have for extras on smokes and alcohol or eating out at lunchtime....I've offered to make him meals/lunches...but they are always turned down.
Part of me wonders if I'm being petty. Part of me feels enraged and I will hold this resentment for a very long time.
I don't want to hold a resentment like this, but I sure as hell want to resolve it.
I don't even know how to bring this up with him, because, ultimately, he will get all immature, pout, throw 30 dollars at me and basically give me the message that I'm a spoiled, entitled, brat who always gets her way and he's always given the shaft.
I suppose I could bring it up and say I don't want the rest of the stinking money....but that here is how I feel about what happened.
It's moments like this...when I have no control, that I feel so...vulnerable and scared and screwed and I want **** everything and run...very fast, very far.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: between the lakes
Posts: 60
What's with "my money" and "his money"? Are you married? It all belongs to both of you. Child tax benefit money (which most Americans don't understand) is supposed to go to help support the kids. Utilities are a part of that support.
You may have real valid complaints about how he spends joint funds, but the idea that part of those funds are "yours" just doesn't sit right with me. Do you consider his paycheck "his"?
You may have real valid complaints about how he spends joint funds, but the idea that part of those funds are "yours" just doesn't sit right with me. Do you consider his paycheck "his"?
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Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Midwest
Posts: 2
Aibreanowl, if I can play the amateur psychologist for a minute, I think you'll find it's not really the money you're upset about. It's just the obvious thing you can blame it on. I was married for 11 years. He was not an A, but they don't have to be to act like one. I was always mad about money. At first, he made more money than I did, then over time my professional career grew and his did not so I was making quite a bit more than he. So money became a very big issue for us. We went to marriage counselling before we divorced and I realized that it was resentment in the fact that I had all the responsibility. It actually had nothing to do with money. But money was more tangible. It seems to me that you want to be in a true "partnership" with him, where you share equally in building the relationship. You feel cheated and you're lashing back wherever you feel you can. I know that's what I did. If you're saying things like "I deserve it" or "I'm entitled" then you're trying to balance what you put it to what you get out, and feeling slighted.
I've been reading Codependent No More and finding myself strewn across almost every page. I've got a LONG way to go, but I feel I'm making progress.
I've been reading Codependent No More and finding myself strewn across almost every page. I've got a LONG way to go, but I feel I'm making progress.
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Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 140
wow Mel
Mel wow I'm impressed, You may think you have a long way to go but you sound awsume. (Right on the Money). You have great common sense, which is a treasure to hold onto, When you live with an A...
where all fighting to keep our minds intact,.
go girl
where all fighting to keep our minds intact,.
go girl
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 413
Mels right. Its not money, its power. You feel he has all the power and you have none.
People with power usually dont like to give it up easily. They like things the way they are and dont see any reason for change. If you want power youll have to take it, not ask for it.
Marriage should be a partnership. I dont understand his money and my money. But if he gives you that I work and you dont crap, say fine. From now on there will be a charge for cleaning your house and taking care of your kids and buying and cooking your food. To be fair Ill only charge you half price cause theyre half mine.
People with power usually dont like to give it up easily. They like things the way they are and dont see any reason for change. If you want power youll have to take it, not ask for it.
Marriage should be a partnership. I dont understand his money and my money. But if he gives you that I work and you dont crap, say fine. From now on there will be a charge for cleaning your house and taking care of your kids and buying and cooking your food. To be fair Ill only charge you half price cause theyre half mine.
Learning to love life...
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Aibreanowl,
If it makes any sense at all, know that you are in this position of feeling angry and resentful, because you chose to be there; I mean not in a direct way... But when you think about it, you KNOW what he will most likely spend the money on... you know that he cannot be trusted... but you keep expecting him to be different. Of course you feel dissapointed, let down and angry. We always complain about how irresponsible and "sick" our A's are, and in the next breath, we are expecting them to act "normal". It doesn't work.
So, if I can lend a measure of adivce... Sit down with your husband (or without), and work out what, where and how the money is to be spent. Make your finances safe from being blown on Alcohol and cigs by putting a certain amount in your name... It is not about taking away his money, or determining whos money is whos... but about protecting yourself and your finances. If he has a determined amount of money to spend each month (after bills are paid) and he blows it all... You simply cannot be giving in and giving him more - he needs to know the consequences. Laying guilt on him, and having expectations is simply a recipe for disaster for BOTH of you.
Take care
Meg
If it makes any sense at all, know that you are in this position of feeling angry and resentful, because you chose to be there; I mean not in a direct way... But when you think about it, you KNOW what he will most likely spend the money on... you know that he cannot be trusted... but you keep expecting him to be different. Of course you feel dissapointed, let down and angry. We always complain about how irresponsible and "sick" our A's are, and in the next breath, we are expecting them to act "normal". It doesn't work.
So, if I can lend a measure of adivce... Sit down with your husband (or without), and work out what, where and how the money is to be spent. Make your finances safe from being blown on Alcohol and cigs by putting a certain amount in your name... It is not about taking away his money, or determining whos money is whos... but about protecting yourself and your finances. If he has a determined amount of money to spend each month (after bills are paid) and he blows it all... You simply cannot be giving in and giving him more - he needs to know the consequences. Laying guilt on him, and having expectations is simply a recipe for disaster for BOTH of you.
Take care
Meg
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