The process of letting go is very hard today
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
The process of letting go is very hard today
Two weeks ago, AH told me that he's moving on the 31st. I made note of it as he told me he wouldn't be seeing DD that week-end, and worried a bit that he still hasn't given me his new address. Eventually though, I figured he would since he'll need me to keep driving DD to him on Sundays.
Yesterday when I went to drop her off at his place, my old superintendant caught up with me and asked to speak with me. Though this man isn't the most skilled handyman, he's very nice and was always helpful to me when I lived in that building. He also was quite supportive of my leaving AH because he really dislikes him.
Anyhow, the super proceeded to tell me that there had been an altercation between him and AH, which resulted in the police being called. From what I understand, AH hasn't paid his rent (in how long, I don't know), and the super went to see him to ask for another rent cheque. Because AH was drunk (according to the super), there was an argument, and AH called the cops on the super. He was told to stay away from AH. A few days later, AH physically pushed the super who then called the cops on him. SO, things are not going well over there.
I tried to be sollicitous and told the super that he'd be happy since AH was leaving...and he had no idea what I was talking about! That's when it dawned on me that AH plans on disappearing quietly next week without paying rent. Of course, he wouldn't be moving "the regular way", with moving vans and boxes, and forwarding addresses...OH NO! He's going to do it "the illegal way", and sneak off in the middle of the night with DSS. I don't even know if he'll take the cat, what furniture he'll take or leave, of if he'll destroy the place like he did our last apartment together. I don't know why I was shocked...I guess I had forgotten what kind of person AH is.
Realizing that I'd just put my food deep in my mouth, I backpeddled and told the super that I wasn't sure about what I'd heard and that it might all be a lie...He seemed satisfied and proceeded to tell me that my former DSS is looking very ill and depressed, and that he wishes the boy's mother would come and take him back to Ontario. He also suggested that AH isn't working anymore since he's been home all week and harassing him during the daytime.
Obviously, this last portion may be hearsay and is based on the impressions of a third party, but seeing as I just had AH's employer served with a subpoena, I'm feeling like I have a part to play in all this.
In any case, I felt very out of sorts hearing how poorly things are going in AH and DSS' life. When I left last year, I told DSS that I wouldn't abandon him, and that I'd always be there for him, but AH made that impossible. At first he forbade me to be in touch with DSS and threatened me with legal action, and then later on when he discovered clues in his son's email that would point to him being gay, he begged me to get back in touch with him...I eventually refused because I felt that AH would constantly use my relationship with DSS as a means to hurt me or to get information about my life. So I let him go...and even now, it breaks my heart. I realize that there's nothing I can do to help him get away from such a toxic situation, but the pill is particularly hard to swallow considering I'm fully aware of what instability he's living with.
It didn't take long for me to forget that this sort of chaos is exactly how AH likes to live (not paying rent, getting evicted and skipping out a few months later, moving someplace new). AH used to tell me all kinds of stories about his "bohemian life" with DSS, just scrapping by, living in condemned houses or subpar apartments with his child...and somehow feeling proud about that.
There's a small part of me that wonders if my serving his employer with the subpoena lead to this...there's also another part of me that feels *somewhat* bad about what's going on in his life, but then I quickly realize that he did all this to himself. When I was with him, at first, it was about saving him and DSS from the world...offering them shelter. Eventually, our relationship was about fixing the damage he did to the people around him, and boy did he ever do lots of damage. With me gone, it's back to how it was.
What really worries me is that DD is now going to be exposed to this kind of chaos when visiting her father. AH asked to see DD the day before his "moving date" and because a) I didn't want her playing around in a box-filled apartment and b) I was paranoid that AH would get it into his head to run off with DD without leaving me a forwarding address, I refused.
I don't really know if there's anything I can or should do...
Yesterday when I went to drop her off at his place, my old superintendant caught up with me and asked to speak with me. Though this man isn't the most skilled handyman, he's very nice and was always helpful to me when I lived in that building. He also was quite supportive of my leaving AH because he really dislikes him.
Anyhow, the super proceeded to tell me that there had been an altercation between him and AH, which resulted in the police being called. From what I understand, AH hasn't paid his rent (in how long, I don't know), and the super went to see him to ask for another rent cheque. Because AH was drunk (according to the super), there was an argument, and AH called the cops on the super. He was told to stay away from AH. A few days later, AH physically pushed the super who then called the cops on him. SO, things are not going well over there.
I tried to be sollicitous and told the super that he'd be happy since AH was leaving...and he had no idea what I was talking about! That's when it dawned on me that AH plans on disappearing quietly next week without paying rent. Of course, he wouldn't be moving "the regular way", with moving vans and boxes, and forwarding addresses...OH NO! He's going to do it "the illegal way", and sneak off in the middle of the night with DSS. I don't even know if he'll take the cat, what furniture he'll take or leave, of if he'll destroy the place like he did our last apartment together. I don't know why I was shocked...I guess I had forgotten what kind of person AH is.
Realizing that I'd just put my food deep in my mouth, I backpeddled and told the super that I wasn't sure about what I'd heard and that it might all be a lie...He seemed satisfied and proceeded to tell me that my former DSS is looking very ill and depressed, and that he wishes the boy's mother would come and take him back to Ontario. He also suggested that AH isn't working anymore since he's been home all week and harassing him during the daytime.
Obviously, this last portion may be hearsay and is based on the impressions of a third party, but seeing as I just had AH's employer served with a subpoena, I'm feeling like I have a part to play in all this.
In any case, I felt very out of sorts hearing how poorly things are going in AH and DSS' life. When I left last year, I told DSS that I wouldn't abandon him, and that I'd always be there for him, but AH made that impossible. At first he forbade me to be in touch with DSS and threatened me with legal action, and then later on when he discovered clues in his son's email that would point to him being gay, he begged me to get back in touch with him...I eventually refused because I felt that AH would constantly use my relationship with DSS as a means to hurt me or to get information about my life. So I let him go...and even now, it breaks my heart. I realize that there's nothing I can do to help him get away from such a toxic situation, but the pill is particularly hard to swallow considering I'm fully aware of what instability he's living with.
It didn't take long for me to forget that this sort of chaos is exactly how AH likes to live (not paying rent, getting evicted and skipping out a few months later, moving someplace new). AH used to tell me all kinds of stories about his "bohemian life" with DSS, just scrapping by, living in condemned houses or subpar apartments with his child...and somehow feeling proud about that.
There's a small part of me that wonders if my serving his employer with the subpoena lead to this...there's also another part of me that feels *somewhat* bad about what's going on in his life, but then I quickly realize that he did all this to himself. When I was with him, at first, it was about saving him and DSS from the world...offering them shelter. Eventually, our relationship was about fixing the damage he did to the people around him, and boy did he ever do lots of damage. With me gone, it's back to how it was.
What really worries me is that DD is now going to be exposed to this kind of chaos when visiting her father. AH asked to see DD the day before his "moving date" and because a) I didn't want her playing around in a box-filled apartment and b) I was paranoid that AH would get it into his head to run off with DD without leaving me a forwarding address, I refused.
I don't really know if there's anything I can or should do...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
i got to agree with anvil. he sounds rather unpredicatable right now with the drinking. and you only know the tip of the iceberg so far...who knows what other trouble lurks around the corner?
if he wants to see DD, then perhaps consider supervising the visit or have him come to her, which in all liklihood he won't manage to do.
i certainly wouldn't facilitate him seeing her if he's drunk and under pressure.
naive
if he wants to see DD, then perhaps consider supervising the visit or have him come to her, which in all liklihood he won't manage to do.
i certainly wouldn't facilitate him seeing her if he's drunk and under pressure.
naive
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Originally Posted by nodaybut2day 
It didn't take long for me to forget that this sort of chaos is exactly how AH likes to live (not paying rent, getting evicted and skipping out a few months later, moving someplace new).
Don't beat yourself up by thinking you could have caused his latest round of skipping out. It sounds like it would have happened sooner or later, with or without the subpoena. His choices are coming back at him and he's running rather than facing the consequences.
Keep yourself and your daughter safe!
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Repeat after me:
I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.
And really think about what those words mean when you say them because they are TRUE.
You are doing a great job protecting your daughter and yourself. (and the difference between a good day and a bad day is 24 hours...) Keep on trucking!
I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.
And really think about what those words mean when you say them because they are TRUE.
You are doing a great job protecting your daughter and yourself. (and the difference between a good day and a bad day is 24 hours...) Keep on trucking!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
Could you call social services about your XH's son? Just so that someone is checking on the kiddo - to make sure he has something to eat and to give him access to an adult he can talk to about his fears (whether he does or not is up to him). The info you got from the super is concerning.
And you, honey - just remind yourself that this is why you don't live with him anymore. Because this is not the life you choose for you and sweet baby. ((hugs)) Instability triggers me - and your post makes me anxious, so I can only imagine how bad you're feeling.
And you, honey - just remind yourself that this is why you don't live with him anymore. Because this is not the life you choose for you and sweet baby. ((hugs)) Instability triggers me - and your post makes me anxious, so I can only imagine how bad you're feeling.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Hmm, ok, I'll try to find out about social services. Last I heard, I have no recourse to "report" anything about DSS, unless DSS himself calls social services to complain. I guess things are different here in Canada.
I had already discussed former-DSS with a social worker last year, after my separation, because he apparently broke down in class and told his teacher that he hated the city and wanted to go back to his mother's. The school counsellor was alerted and a social worker was also put on the case, but I think that AH got wind of all this, and managed to convince DSS that it would be worse living in Toronto with his mother. Before I was able to intervene, DSS had apparently retracted his statements and "everything was fine".
****
Ok, I contacted the guidance counsellor but she's away for the week. I just left her a message. I hope that this doesn't fall in line with "meddling in other people's affairs" and being a total codie. I just want DSS to be safe even if he hates my guts.
I had already discussed former-DSS with a social worker last year, after my separation, because he apparently broke down in class and told his teacher that he hated the city and wanted to go back to his mother's. The school counsellor was alerted and a social worker was also put on the case, but I think that AH got wind of all this, and managed to convince DSS that it would be worse living in Toronto with his mother. Before I was able to intervene, DSS had apparently retracted his statements and "everything was fine".
****
Ok, I contacted the guidance counsellor but she's away for the week. I just left her a message. I hope that this doesn't fall in line with "meddling in other people's affairs" and being a total codie. I just want DSS to be safe even if he hates my guts.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
well done re: calling the guidance counselor. DSS is a child still and you are close enough to the situation to sound the alarm.
nodaybut2day, you're really shining lately. it's been a pleasure to witness you turning this around and taking your power back.
naive
nodaybut2day, you're really shining lately. it's been a pleasure to witness you turning this around and taking your power back.
naive
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Summerpeach...yah I definitely know how to pick'em 
RE custody...I now have sole custody and visitation is at my discretion, but seeing as I live in Canada and that the government here is big on fathers' rights, he'd have to be a convicted sexual offender for the courts to order supervised visitation. I don't even know what it would take for visitation to be removed altogether.
RE custody...I now have sole custody and visitation is at my discretion, but seeing as I live in Canada and that the government here is big on fathers' rights, he'd have to be a convicted sexual offender for the courts to order supervised visitation. I don't even know what it would take for visitation to be removed altogether.
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