Just checking in
Inhale, Exhale, Repeat
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: TX
Posts: 59
Just checking in
I broke it to my mom last week. She didn't seem all that shocked and that she had a gut feeling about things when she had talked to me earlier that week. She was just really, really sad for me. She remarked, "You poor thing. You have tried so hard on this relationship." Anyway, I was relieved to finally break it to her.
I had a nice appointment with my therapist last week. She basically just confirmed that I am doing the right thing for me right now. She said she does not work with people in recovery any more because of some bad experiences in the past, and basically a low success rate. She said that it made her feel like a failure and that she couldn't handle their lying. I found this to be depressing, and interesting. I don't know. I guess I don't need to make heads or tails of it either way.
His mom has backed off somewhat because I kind of ignored an email and phone call. I acknowledged receipt, but really didn't say much else. she called to check on me and say she was worried about me. She sent a long email to tell me how worried she was because she hadn't heard from her son after his meeting, she was calling and calling. Then it turns out he had a long meeting with his sponsor and sounded so elated, and blah blah blah. Yeah, her updates kind of bother me. But his don't. Is that weird? I just sense her ulterior motive. I mean, I know she does care about me. But she wants me around because she knows that what her sons wants. And the more I'm around, the less she feels like she has to look after him.
I'm definitely trying to wholeheartedly embrace living one day at a time. It is my savior right now. I am getting from him that he doesn't yet understand that we are not together. He gets that the engagement is off, but I don't know how much more than that. I guess I haven't been explicit enough. I am not looking forward to that. I plan to say that I need to move on for now, and let him go. I don't want to say never, or forever. Is that acceptable? I mean, I think I should be single for now, keep my options open as far as men are concerned, have a little fun if I want, and not lie for his sobriety. Then I can see how I feel in another six months to a year. I know I am probably repeating myself, but I don't want him to get sober because he thinks I am waiting in the wings. But I'm going to have to completely say goodbye and break his heart, so that he will do it for himself. I just hate to think of him being more heartbroken than he already is. He does already seem to have more of a support group now than he did a week ago. He has been playing golf with AA friends, and meeting with his sponsor a lot. He wrote me a loooong email today about his epiphany last night, all about his higher power issue and how that's what was holding him back before. What do I make of these supposed revelations? I mean, I'm excited for him, very much so. But we all know how temporary or misleading this can be. I am really interested in hearing his thoughts and all this stuff he's digging up, so how do I tell him that I don't want to hear it? Between a rock and a hard place...that's how I feel. Ugh... He was thanking me in my letter for lighting a fire under his ass. He's also written my roommate/best friend a long email about how sorry he is, why he made the mistakes he did, what he needs to do to get right, etc. It's so hard to pull away when he is being soooo freakin' nice and remorseful.
He is about to start his two weeks off that we were originally going to spend together. He is not flying here on Thursday, as I am going to spend time with my family at the beach. But he did mention in his email that he wants to come clean with me, in person. Of course I would love to see him. I will always love to see him. But I don't know how to see him and not be with him. That is the problem.
I guess I have said enough for now. I am out of school in three days, and I CAN'T WAIT.
I had a nice appointment with my therapist last week. She basically just confirmed that I am doing the right thing for me right now. She said she does not work with people in recovery any more because of some bad experiences in the past, and basically a low success rate. She said that it made her feel like a failure and that she couldn't handle their lying. I found this to be depressing, and interesting. I don't know. I guess I don't need to make heads or tails of it either way.
His mom has backed off somewhat because I kind of ignored an email and phone call. I acknowledged receipt, but really didn't say much else. she called to check on me and say she was worried about me. She sent a long email to tell me how worried she was because she hadn't heard from her son after his meeting, she was calling and calling. Then it turns out he had a long meeting with his sponsor and sounded so elated, and blah blah blah. Yeah, her updates kind of bother me. But his don't. Is that weird? I just sense her ulterior motive. I mean, I know she does care about me. But she wants me around because she knows that what her sons wants. And the more I'm around, the less she feels like she has to look after him.
I'm definitely trying to wholeheartedly embrace living one day at a time. It is my savior right now. I am getting from him that he doesn't yet understand that we are not together. He gets that the engagement is off, but I don't know how much more than that. I guess I haven't been explicit enough. I am not looking forward to that. I plan to say that I need to move on for now, and let him go. I don't want to say never, or forever. Is that acceptable? I mean, I think I should be single for now, keep my options open as far as men are concerned, have a little fun if I want, and not lie for his sobriety. Then I can see how I feel in another six months to a year. I know I am probably repeating myself, but I don't want him to get sober because he thinks I am waiting in the wings. But I'm going to have to completely say goodbye and break his heart, so that he will do it for himself. I just hate to think of him being more heartbroken than he already is. He does already seem to have more of a support group now than he did a week ago. He has been playing golf with AA friends, and meeting with his sponsor a lot. He wrote me a loooong email today about his epiphany last night, all about his higher power issue and how that's what was holding him back before. What do I make of these supposed revelations? I mean, I'm excited for him, very much so. But we all know how temporary or misleading this can be. I am really interested in hearing his thoughts and all this stuff he's digging up, so how do I tell him that I don't want to hear it? Between a rock and a hard place...that's how I feel. Ugh... He was thanking me in my letter for lighting a fire under his ass. He's also written my roommate/best friend a long email about how sorry he is, why he made the mistakes he did, what he needs to do to get right, etc. It's so hard to pull away when he is being soooo freakin' nice and remorseful.
He is about to start his two weeks off that we were originally going to spend together. He is not flying here on Thursday, as I am going to spend time with my family at the beach. But he did mention in his email that he wants to come clean with me, in person. Of course I would love to see him. I will always love to see him. But I don't know how to see him and not be with him. That is the problem.
I guess I have said enough for now. I am out of school in three days, and I CAN'T WAIT.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by RollerDerbyGirl 
He gets that the engagement is off, but I don't know how much more than that. I guess I haven't been explicit enough. I am not looking forward to that. I plan to say that I need to move on for now, and let him go. I don't want to say never, or forever. Is that acceptable? I mean, I think I should be single for now, keep my options open as far as men are concerned, have a little fun if I want, and not lie for his sobriety. Then I can see how I feel in another six months to a year.
I think consulting an attorney at this point would clarify the situation for both your futures.
I am not a big fan of dating while still married.
Inhale, Exhale, Repeat
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: TX
Posts: 59
Hmmm...thanks, Pelican. I didn't really think of it in those terms. I will have to give that some more thought. How codie is it of me that I am worried that that final blow, divorce will jeopardize his early recovery??? Do I jeopardize myself if I date others while still legally married? I don't think he would eer turn his back on me like that if we had an agreement, especially not while sober if he remains so.
He wrote me this loooong email, and wants to see me face to face, to admit all of his wrongs. My aunt made a really good point though when I consulted her. She said that is something he needs to sit down with his sponsor and tell, not me, at least yet. She said:
I think if you have made up your mind, then it is a mistake to see him. He is trying hard but he needs to try for himself and no other reason. And I think if you do not see him - that is what is best for you too. I do not know what his secret it - but to tell his sponsor is what is the very best for him. If he tells you, you will always wonder - is that his excuse or his reason for behaving as he does? He needs to figure out who he is. You do not need to know this secret right now. In some way, though he in no way understands this, this is a ploy to get you back in. You will then begin to justify his behavior in some manner. If, in six mos, he calls and there is a future or whatever, then you can decide that then. But when an addicted person goes into a real recovery, they need to do that for themselves as you do. In six mos, there may be nothing really left in common for you and him, since you really met at the height of his addiction. In recovery, that will not be the man you know. It may not even be the man you loved. You will always love the "vision" of him that you concocted.
Pretty sound advice huh? So now is the process of completing the break, because I don't really think he's gotten that completely. And breaking up with his mom as well. They really don't want to let me go and are might really try to convince me otherwise. But everyone in my camp would sure like to see me move on because they hate to ever see me go through any of this again.
He wrote me this loooong email, and wants to see me face to face, to admit all of his wrongs. My aunt made a really good point though when I consulted her. She said that is something he needs to sit down with his sponsor and tell, not me, at least yet. She said:
I think if you have made up your mind, then it is a mistake to see him. He is trying hard but he needs to try for himself and no other reason. And I think if you do not see him - that is what is best for you too. I do not know what his secret it - but to tell his sponsor is what is the very best for him. If he tells you, you will always wonder - is that his excuse or his reason for behaving as he does? He needs to figure out who he is. You do not need to know this secret right now. In some way, though he in no way understands this, this is a ploy to get you back in. You will then begin to justify his behavior in some manner. If, in six mos, he calls and there is a future or whatever, then you can decide that then. But when an addicted person goes into a real recovery, they need to do that for themselves as you do. In six mos, there may be nothing really left in common for you and him, since you really met at the height of his addiction. In recovery, that will not be the man you know. It may not even be the man you loved. You will always love the "vision" of him that you concocted.
Pretty sound advice huh? So now is the process of completing the break, because I don't really think he's gotten that completely. And breaking up with his mom as well. They really don't want to let me go and are might really try to convince me otherwise. But everyone in my camp would sure like to see me move on because they hate to ever see me go through any of this again.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Wise aunty, and if niece is as wise..she will listen and learn.
I think you would find it healthier to get out of the marriage, before looking at being involved with another man, as you do not need more complications in your life...do you?
And cutting the ties with a mum, desperate to hold on to you for her son's sake, is also going to be necessary for your sanity.
Things do tend to get quite muddied and chaotic, when alcoholism and deception are in the mix, and the "bright ideas" of an A, more often than not turn out to be disasters.
Hope it all works out for you both, whatever you do.
God bless
I think you would find it healthier to get out of the marriage, before looking at being involved with another man, as you do not need more complications in your life...do you?
And cutting the ties with a mum, desperate to hold on to you for her son's sake, is also going to be necessary for your sanity.
Things do tend to get quite muddied and chaotic, when alcoholism and deception are in the mix, and the "bright ideas" of an A, more often than not turn out to be disasters.
Hope it all works out for you both, whatever you do.
God bless
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