Boy was I duped!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
you know, when i contrast your response to your SS versus nodaybut2day's concern in a similiar situation, i can't help but plea with you to consider the life of your husband's son.
of course, you can keep your nuclear family but at what cost? at the cost of your husband leaving his other son?
i am sure there will be no peace in that choice for him.
if you want that man, you should take all of him. not the 1/2 that suits you.
i'm going to side with your man on this one. if you all went the therapy with open minds, perhaps you would see the error in your feelings and open up your heart to this other child.
some of your word choices are alarming in how they carry resentment. that is how we know that you feel superior to his other family, because of your word choices in how you describe them.
i am not judging you, just stating what is obvious because you asked this of us.
it is good that you are here asking for opinions. that is healthy. i hope you will consider what the majority of us have communicated here.
naive
of course, you can keep your nuclear family but at what cost? at the cost of your husband leaving his other son?
i am sure there will be no peace in that choice for him.
if you want that man, you should take all of him. not the 1/2 that suits you.
i'm going to side with your man on this one. if you all went the therapy with open minds, perhaps you would see the error in your feelings and open up your heart to this other child.
some of your word choices are alarming in how they carry resentment. that is how we know that you feel superior to his other family, because of your word choices in how you describe them.
i am not judging you, just stating what is obvious because you asked this of us.
it is good that you are here asking for opinions. that is healthy. i hope you will consider what the majority of us have communicated here.
naive
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
and I mean the ugliness that began with his conception
I hope you find a way to not be in the child's life, for his sake.
I haven't read anything that horrible about a child in a very long time.Stepping FAR away from this thread, for my own serenity.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Ok, I am going to have a confession here that I am NOT proud of. I was very much like you.
Could not stand my ex's son. He was a freakish scary kid and raised in a horrible home with his mother.
I would count the seconds this kid was in my home and could not wait for him to leave.
He was rude, creepy and made me totally uncomfortable.
My comments on how to raise him were constant. How dare this kid make ME uncomfortable.
My ex and I fought about it DAILY for years.
Eventually, I refused to allow this boy into my house because his son was just so rude.
Trying to explain to his Dad this was my home and my rules and the boy did not respect any boundaries was impossible.
Fast forward to 9 months ago when I joined Al Anon, I realized "WHOA, boy do I have control issues"
I could have written each of your posts verbatim.
What I came to realize, I cannot control how my ex raised his kid, I could not control how this kid would act but what I SHOULD have done was suck it up, be the adult and just try to show my love for a child that doesn't know better and that only knows TENSION from his own household.
I never made him feel welcomed. I am truly ashamed of myself
It was not the young man's fault, it was his parents fault and I took it out on him.
Take this out on your ex. Don't allow your ex in your home until he tries to work with you with this young man.
Do you recall how hard and awkward it was at his age?
You have control issues that are strangling you.
Your ex has a right to see his son whenever he likes, but again, you do not have to allow him in your home if you feel unsafe, but what you can do is work on your control issues for now and get to couples therapy and tell your ex you love him and really want to make this work and will do anything to make it work.
If not, I would say the only option is to leave your ex for good because the son doesn't disappear.
I also need to add, this thread has really opened my eyes and has given me some deep thoughts towards changing my own ways.
Please take a hard look at this ok. I can relate to your anger and frustration.
Could not stand my ex's son. He was a freakish scary kid and raised in a horrible home with his mother.
I would count the seconds this kid was in my home and could not wait for him to leave.
He was rude, creepy and made me totally uncomfortable.
My comments on how to raise him were constant. How dare this kid make ME uncomfortable.
My ex and I fought about it DAILY for years.
Eventually, I refused to allow this boy into my house because his son was just so rude.
Trying to explain to his Dad this was my home and my rules and the boy did not respect any boundaries was impossible.
Fast forward to 9 months ago when I joined Al Anon, I realized "WHOA, boy do I have control issues"
I could have written each of your posts verbatim.
What I came to realize, I cannot control how my ex raised his kid, I could not control how this kid would act but what I SHOULD have done was suck it up, be the adult and just try to show my love for a child that doesn't know better and that only knows TENSION from his own household.
I never made him feel welcomed. I am truly ashamed of myself
It was not the young man's fault, it was his parents fault and I took it out on him.
Take this out on your ex. Don't allow your ex in your home until he tries to work with you with this young man.
Do you recall how hard and awkward it was at his age?
You have control issues that are strangling you.
Your ex has a right to see his son whenever he likes, but again, you do not have to allow him in your home if you feel unsafe, but what you can do is work on your control issues for now and get to couples therapy and tell your ex you love him and really want to make this work and will do anything to make it work.
If not, I would say the only option is to leave your ex for good because the son doesn't disappear.
I also need to add, this thread has really opened my eyes and has given me some deep thoughts towards changing my own ways.
Please take a hard look at this ok. I can relate to your anger and frustration.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 545
I have no idea where I heard or read this, but it was something that brought me up sort when I first encountered it:
How pleasant are you to be with?
When I am railing against other people in my life who are causing me grief, I always come back to that. It doesn't mean that I roll over and do whatever anyone else wants. It does mean, however, that I keep my side of the street clean and take myself out of the drama and let the chips fall where they may.
Like SP said, being welcoming within my own home is crucial. If I can't do that, then questions need to be asked about a) why I am not being welcoming and b) why the other person is in my home. And answreing those questions honestly and openly.
I have just read this thread back, and it seems that there may be a subtext about potential sexual abuse. Do you want to explore that?
How pleasant are you to be with?
When I am railing against other people in my life who are causing me grief, I always come back to that. It doesn't mean that I roll over and do whatever anyone else wants. It does mean, however, that I keep my side of the street clean and take myself out of the drama and let the chips fall where they may.
Like SP said, being welcoming within my own home is crucial. If I can't do that, then questions need to be asked about a) why I am not being welcoming and b) why the other person is in my home. And answreing those questions honestly and openly.
I have just read this thread back, and it seems that there may be a subtext about potential sexual abuse. Do you want to explore that?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 6
Just had to jump back in. I just read the post by summerpeach and it got to my heart. I am not here to judge anyone. I think everyone who posts in this site deserves a loving response though, and summerpeach's was one of the most heartfelt ones I read through this whole ordeal.
I am not a confrontational person in general. I am, though, beginning to see why others are so upset, and I do understand. I think the bottom line is, you want to protect your girls from AH. Period. Ss makes that hard to do for you. Some have the ability to handle SS in these situations, others don't. Seems to me you already answered your own questions.
ss, even though he is 14, is still a kid and product of his enviornment. You can choose to make best of it and try to work with this child or walk away. I don't endorse having this child around your gals IF he presents a danger to them though.
I am not a pro. Just a horse farmer, lol. I sure hope God will speak to your heart about this. I am still keeping you in prayer. I really do , now, think many of the gals have better insight into this than I do on this post, but I just want YOU to know, I do not judge you and am hopeful through all of this, you will get peace and assurance on how to follow through. Its not easy living w/ a drunk..dry or wet.
Also, I am just beginning to understand myself, how much I have to learn. Many of the gals in here are helping me unknowing to them, as I read their replies to your post and others. God Speed, Best to you girlfriend and to ALL of the other posters in here. ~Izzy
I am not a confrontational person in general. I am, though, beginning to see why others are so upset, and I do understand. I think the bottom line is, you want to protect your girls from AH. Period. Ss makes that hard to do for you. Some have the ability to handle SS in these situations, others don't. Seems to me you already answered your own questions.
ss, even though he is 14, is still a kid and product of his enviornment. You can choose to make best of it and try to work with this child or walk away. I don't endorse having this child around your gals IF he presents a danger to them though.
I am not a pro. Just a horse farmer, lol. I sure hope God will speak to your heart about this. I am still keeping you in prayer. I really do , now, think many of the gals have better insight into this than I do on this post, but I just want YOU to know, I do not judge you and am hopeful through all of this, you will get peace and assurance on how to follow through. Its not easy living w/ a drunk..dry or wet.
Also, I am just beginning to understand myself, how much I have to learn. Many of the gals in here are helping me unknowing to them, as I read their replies to your post and others. God Speed, Best to you girlfriend and to ALL of the other posters in here. ~Izzy
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Okay peeps, kindly step back from the keyboard and go breathe some air. Go walk around the block, take a bath, go to a meeting, whatever un-triggers you. The correct way to share in a "peer-support" group such as SR is here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html
If you are not able to refrain from accusing, diagnosing, commanding and otherwise giving advice kindly move on to some other thread where you are not triggered and actually have experience in the issues mentioned in the first post.
Mike
Moderator, SoberRecovery
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html
If you are not able to refrain from accusing, diagnosing, commanding and otherwise giving advice kindly move on to some other thread where you are not triggered and actually have experience in the issues mentioned in the first post.
Mike
Moderator, SoberRecovery
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
With all due respect, I think it's highly unlikely--neigh, nearly impossible--to be triggered by something you DON'T have personal experience with.
That said, point taken. There is very little left unsaid on this thread anyway.
L
That said, point taken. There is very little left unsaid on this thread anyway.
L
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
I'd like to share some E, S, &H from my own experience that could perhaps be useful.
In my life, there is an adult that I must be around on occasion whose history is very, well, not the type of person I would ever choose to spend time with. First off, the temperament is not something I enjoy being around. Secondly, this person's main mode of communication is escalating confrontation. This person's most comfortable place is when they can engage in escalating confrontation, get the others out of control, and then they can rant and rave via bludgeoning force of will. This person uses tactics such as starting a conversation about something, then escalating remarks using such things as judgment, racism, controversial opinions, etc., until the folks around them cannot help themselves and start to disagree. Then, this person has taken control of the venue, and flies off.
Over the years, the folks around this person have learned that the best response is not to engage. This helps the folks around, but leaves the central person outside of their zone of operation (engagement by controversy/confrontation). So the result is stepped up efforts to cause conflict. You see, everybody wants some engagement, even if it's negative. Nobody wants to be invisible.
Years ago, I also learned simply not to engage, when I saw the confrontations start brewing. But a few years ago, I changed strategies. I started ONLY engaging in a few topics that were part of the person's life, but that could skillfully be discussed without controversy. One being pets, one being hobbies/interests. I learned that this person WAS able to have conversations, not fights, in these realms.
We started a light relationship each time together with small conversations about these things. If controversial things came up, I just stopped conversing, and the conversation would die out. After a while, this person learned by default that I would engage in some things, and not in others. There was no fighting, only boredom, so they left the boring areas and went toward something I would engage in.
I then started actions, inviting the person into my home and space for short periods, sharing my pets and hobbies, talking about them and asking them things about theirs. Every time, I would send back home with this person a token of esteem - something under $5 value that I knew was valuable/useful in this person's daily life, that had the message that that person was valued by me. It was something I had on hand, or put together.
Well guess what?
That person learned new places of safety, with me. Now, that person doesn't try to fight, with me, to get me to engage. They know that they can have some attention, and some interaction in certain realms (pets, hobbies) and will always get me to engage and pay them attention, there. They are grateful for the little tokens of esteem. I can see they made a difference.
Today, we have a good interaction. There is no resentment, no tension, no awkwardness. The interaction is in short periods, mostly limited to certain things, but it is enough to have what I call touch points on a regular basis, and enough to offer me opportunities to give tokens of esteem. The person no longer WANTS to **** me off; they now know ANOTHER method, to get some of their needs met, so they use the NEW methods, at least with me.
CLMI
In my life, there is an adult that I must be around on occasion whose history is very, well, not the type of person I would ever choose to spend time with. First off, the temperament is not something I enjoy being around. Secondly, this person's main mode of communication is escalating confrontation. This person's most comfortable place is when they can engage in escalating confrontation, get the others out of control, and then they can rant and rave via bludgeoning force of will. This person uses tactics such as starting a conversation about something, then escalating remarks using such things as judgment, racism, controversial opinions, etc., until the folks around them cannot help themselves and start to disagree. Then, this person has taken control of the venue, and flies off.
Over the years, the folks around this person have learned that the best response is not to engage. This helps the folks around, but leaves the central person outside of their zone of operation (engagement by controversy/confrontation). So the result is stepped up efforts to cause conflict. You see, everybody wants some engagement, even if it's negative. Nobody wants to be invisible.
Years ago, I also learned simply not to engage, when I saw the confrontations start brewing. But a few years ago, I changed strategies. I started ONLY engaging in a few topics that were part of the person's life, but that could skillfully be discussed without controversy. One being pets, one being hobbies/interests. I learned that this person WAS able to have conversations, not fights, in these realms.
We started a light relationship each time together with small conversations about these things. If controversial things came up, I just stopped conversing, and the conversation would die out. After a while, this person learned by default that I would engage in some things, and not in others. There was no fighting, only boredom, so they left the boring areas and went toward something I would engage in.
I then started actions, inviting the person into my home and space for short periods, sharing my pets and hobbies, talking about them and asking them things about theirs. Every time, I would send back home with this person a token of esteem - something under $5 value that I knew was valuable/useful in this person's daily life, that had the message that that person was valued by me. It was something I had on hand, or put together.
Well guess what?
That person learned new places of safety, with me. Now, that person doesn't try to fight, with me, to get me to engage. They know that they can have some attention, and some interaction in certain realms (pets, hobbies) and will always get me to engage and pay them attention, there. They are grateful for the little tokens of esteem. I can see they made a difference.
Today, we have a good interaction. There is no resentment, no tension, no awkwardness. The interaction is in short periods, mostly limited to certain things, but it is enough to have what I call touch points on a regular basis, and enough to offer me opportunities to give tokens of esteem. The person no longer WANTS to **** me off; they now know ANOTHER method, to get some of their needs met, so they use the NEW methods, at least with me.
CLMI
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
