Wanting to contact him
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: In Between
Posts: 39
Wanting to contact him
I am feeling pretty down right now, and really wanting to contact my XABF. I have no idea what I want to contact him for. I mean, he's not at all the same person as the one that I am missing so terribly right now, but nontheless I want to contact him. I know that I shouldn't, and I WON'T, that's why I decided to post instead. I find that after I go a couple of days without any contact with him I start to forget that the man he is right now is not the one that I want anything to do with. So, then I start to think well maybe something has changed, maybe we could actually have a rational conversation, maybe he would actually interact with me in a way that is at all beneficial to me. Of course nothing has changed, he is still drinking, we can not have a rational conversation, and he will not interact with me in any way that will leave me anything but devastated and confused. So, I am left with the knowledge that contacting him will do nothing but hurt us both, so I just have to deal with missing him. Of course even if I contacted him I would still be missing him, cause he's not himself right now. UGH!! I really hate all of this!!!
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: virginia
Posts: 13
Lord I know that feeling. I recently moved out from my XABF and got my own place. We see each other from time to time but he is almost always drunk. I miss the guy I want for him to be. The guy who could be in recovery. I think about him and then in conversation, it always turns out the same. He talks, says the same things over and over, and I have no idea what the truth is anymore. Worse, in phone or text, I can't even tell if he is drinking or not. I have hope upon hope that sobriety will come, yet I know there is nothing I can do to make it happen. Trust me, have tried!!!
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
That feeling is almost gone for me. I used to think of it like I was him resisting alcohol. He was my alcohol. I'd be a hypocrite if I called him because I wanted to, and then preached to him about drinking because he wanted to.
I don't want to be like him, so I don't contact him. I want to be healthy and happy, so that's what I focus on.
Hang in there. It really does get easier.
I don't want to be like him, so I don't contact him. I want to be healthy and happy, so that's what I focus on.
Hang in there. It really does get easier.
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Join Date: May 2010
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Posts: 39
Thank you all so much for your responses! It ALWAYS helps to hear that I am doing the right thing!
Beachykeen, I know exactly what you mean about not knowing what the truth is anymore. After so many lies, and so much manipulation, it all gets blurred. That's part of why I am going the no contact route right now, I'm just tired of trying to sift through the BS. I also used to think maybe he was sober during phone conversations or especially texting, which is why his contact of choice is texting. I think he thinks that way he can hide his drunkeness. However, I have now realized that unless it is right after he has woken up he is always drinking. Plus, even in those brief moments in the morning when he has not started drinking, he is still not rational. He's just not at all the same person anymore, and that is what I have to remind myself of when I have moments like these where I am wanting to reach out to him. It just won't do any good, so I just won't do it!
Beachykeen, I know exactly what you mean about not knowing what the truth is anymore. After so many lies, and so much manipulation, it all gets blurred. That's part of why I am going the no contact route right now, I'm just tired of trying to sift through the BS. I also used to think maybe he was sober during phone conversations or especially texting, which is why his contact of choice is texting. I think he thinks that way he can hide his drunkeness. However, I have now realized that unless it is right after he has woken up he is always drinking. Plus, even in those brief moments in the morning when he has not started drinking, he is still not rational. He's just not at all the same person anymore, and that is what I have to remind myself of when I have moments like these where I am wanting to reach out to him. It just won't do any good, so I just won't do it!
Go ask the Multivax
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
Feelings = Blech! 
Just my totally unhelpful thought for the day!
Sometimes I just have to wait mine out. Which totally frustrates me because the rational me knows the feelings are unjust. That the reality and my feelings don't mesh together. So, I wanna smack myself on the forhead all day long.
A
Most curious, we silly meat sacks, (errr)... humans are.
Just my totally unhelpful thought for the day!
Sometimes I just have to wait mine out. Which totally frustrates me because the rational me knows the feelings are unjust. That the reality and my feelings don't mesh together. So, I wanna smack myself on the forhead all day long.
AMost curious, we silly meat sacks, (errr)... humans are.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: In Between
Posts: 39
I get really frustrated with myself and my feelings also. Knowing the reality of the situation like I do then why do I feel the way I do, and so on. I have to remind myself a lot that I need to be patient with myself, and I have to remind myself a lot that it is a process, and not a short and easy one.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
My Ah moved out only few days ago, but I don't feel the need to contact him. I did before all the time as I was hoping to get validation, I was hoping he'll get it, I was hoping he will miraculously turn into his old self and than everyhing we'll be fine, than I had to fight those thoughts I as I knew he wouldn't, but kept having them again, and kept going in circles. I guess the reason for it was that I didn't really knew and understand it completely. I still had hope, I was kind of manipulating myself. I think we all need our separate amount of banging our head against that wall before we can really understand it. I believe we all have our survival insticts and we only do things as long as we think we can get something out of it. Once we see we really can't the need to do it goes away.
I find I could never do anything only because it sounds as a smart thing to do, I had to make my mistakes to get where I'm here right now. I needed to do that zillion things re: my AH alcoholism, to see there is no point in doing it.
Last summer I left my AH, (that was the third time) as I thought that was a smart thing to do and we've spent a month apart. During that time I kept calling him all the time, saying the same old things over and over again, stupidly hoping for a different response from him. I cried non stop. It felt like a world has come to an end. I thought I was going to die and I took him back. I wasn't ready, my mind and my heart were not on the same page.
This time I didn't leave him out of anger, or because it's a smart thing to do, or because I'm hoping he'll get it. I did it because I know there is nothing left I can do, and I don't want to do this any more, as there is no point in it, and also it's time I become a grown up, the one that doesn't need someone else to complete me, make my life better.
I can't begin to tell you how sad I am, yesterday I took my kids out and I had a panic attack, felt like I was going to die, but that too was about me, the way I'm dealing with my situation, and more work I need to do on myself. I don't blame him any more for where I am. It's my responisibility to take care of me, as it's his to take care of him.
You're doing a good work, don't be too hard on yourself, there will be steps back, and those steps back will teach you something too (something you've missed), you'll get there when the time is right for you.
I wish you well
I find I could never do anything only because it sounds as a smart thing to do, I had to make my mistakes to get where I'm here right now. I needed to do that zillion things re: my AH alcoholism, to see there is no point in doing it.
Last summer I left my AH, (that was the third time) as I thought that was a smart thing to do and we've spent a month apart. During that time I kept calling him all the time, saying the same old things over and over again, stupidly hoping for a different response from him. I cried non stop. It felt like a world has come to an end. I thought I was going to die and I took him back. I wasn't ready, my mind and my heart were not on the same page.
This time I didn't leave him out of anger, or because it's a smart thing to do, or because I'm hoping he'll get it. I did it because I know there is nothing left I can do, and I don't want to do this any more, as there is no point in it, and also it's time I become a grown up, the one that doesn't need someone else to complete me, make my life better.
I can't begin to tell you how sad I am, yesterday I took my kids out and I had a panic attack, felt like I was going to die, but that too was about me, the way I'm dealing with my situation, and more work I need to do on myself. I don't blame him any more for where I am. It's my responisibility to take care of me, as it's his to take care of him.
You're doing a good work, don't be too hard on yourself, there will be steps back, and those steps back will teach you something too (something you've missed), you'll get there when the time is right for you.
I wish you well
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
JB1, I have experienced what you're going through, many times. You made a great choice to post and vent rather than contact him. Way to go! You were smart to think it through to the end and realize that there would probably be more pain from contacting him than there is in missing him. The roller coaster just starts up again after the contact. Ugh....
I know how easy it is to forget the bad and remember the good after you've been away for a long time. We miss them because we still love them, despite all the nasty memories and past hurts. But what we long for is the fantasy and not reality. Way to stay strong and true to yourself!
I know how easy it is to forget the bad and remember the good after you've been away for a long time. We miss them because we still love them, despite all the nasty memories and past hurts. But what we long for is the fantasy and not reality. Way to stay strong and true to yourself!
thank you, sesh. your words are exactly what i need to hear today
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