My fiancé is an abusive alcoholic

Old 07-16-2010, 04:58 PM
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It sounds to me as if your feeling helpless and hopeless. Thats how I felt, living with an abusive alcoholic for 22 years, when you still love them but it finally sinks in that it doesnt matter what you do or say, they are not going to stop the drinking or abuse.

We are living in a fantasy land where we tell ourselves, if only there was no alcohol we would have a great marriage/life. But there is alcohol present and we cant do anything to stop the person from drinking and in fact contribute and prolong the alcoholic abusive relationship by staying.

You have been offered some great advice by those of us on SR, some who have been living in similar circumstances to yourself and know some of what you are going through. Hopefully given time, it will all sink in and you will finally get some strength needed to make the steps to a better life for you and your daughter which no doubt you deserve.

Please keep reading about alcoholism, read the stickies above -excuses alcoholics make and merry-go-round are my personal favorites, along with threads written by young adults who have lived the pain of being brought up in a toxic environment and you too will come to realise that this is a terrible disease that will only serve to drag you and your innocent daughter down with it.
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Old 07-16-2010, 06:00 PM
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I cannot add much more to what the other wise people have told you already.

I highly recommend you find an al-anon meeting in your area and go to it. It willl be a godsend for you.

NO one deserves to have abuse heaped on them, nor do those kids deserve to have to hear you take it.

If you keep waiting for that "sweet sober person" to take over permanently, you might have a LONG wait. I mean, a very long wait, maybe til she kills herself with the drinking. Are you prepared for that?

Wishing ain't gonna make something so. I tried wishing w/my xabf and ended up wasting 3 yrs of my life.
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Old 07-16-2010, 06:02 PM
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Book recommendation for you:

Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

When you read it, you will have many a-ha moments.

Is this the life you really feel you DESERVE? That your child deserves?

There are women out there who will treat you nicely ALL the time, not just when they're hungover in between their binges.

Originally Posted by Mickb2513 View Post
hello again,

i am still here,

im still trying to hold on to her, like i said, when she is sober she is so nice but if I dare mention alcohol she just starts crying and tells me she can't stand anything anymore.

It was my birthday the other day and i really thought we could have a nice night. But of course she got so unbelievably drunk she got in such a rage she threw all my clothes all over the house and down the stairs. i begged her to stop but she would not give in. I begged her and pleaded asking her just to be nice for this 1 day on my birthday but she was relentless with her horrific abuse.
Im trying to pluck up the courage to leave but im so scared of leaving my daughter in this chaotic household.
My partner is now plying her 16 year old daughter with wine and while I take care of my daughter upstairs they sit downstairs drinking.

Im going out of my mind but Im trying to apear happy in front of my daughter.
My partner screamed at me the other night and my little girl was absolutely terrified. I just wanted to get her as far away as possible. It was horrible.
My partner screams at me saying that she will call the police and tell them that Ive beat her up and that i've attacked her kids. On an evening my life becomes a pure living hell.

Strangly though, at my new job Ive just been promoted.

But of course when I told my partner i'd been promoted she said that I was lieing and I was having to move teams because the team i was in hated me because im a fat F*cking ******** that everyone hates.

I took that as a well done as thats the best i get from her
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Old 07-16-2010, 06:51 PM
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Hi mick- welcome back!

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Please don't leave your daughter or yourself there.
I would get out there and claim my rights and fight for the future safety/mental health of my daughter. Nothing could be more important.

Fathers have rights.
Can you visualize yourself making a life with DearDaughter?

Peace-
B
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Old 07-16-2010, 07:01 PM
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Originally Posted by smacked View Post
I hope your desire to protect your daughter from this hell begins to outweigh the excuses you find to keep her living in it.
Just wanted to repeat what I already said.
How long do you think you'll allow your daughter to continue to live with abuse? It is YOUR JOB to protect her from pain, grow some and do it, before someone else peeks into her horrible life and does it because she doesn't have even one parent willing to protect her.
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Old 07-16-2010, 08:01 PM
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Hey man,

My XAGF (ex alcoholic girl friend) was quite similar to your fiance. The verbal abouse was horrific. She would disappear for days, lie down in the street at night in front of our house, tell me I was gay, accused me of stealing her stuff and the best line was "I know you took my stuff, the police have it on tape?!" The first time I heard that I laughed so hard I lost my breath. She of course was absolutely serious drunk.

What I am saying to you, is this is not going to get any better. My XAGF has lost her kids, they live with their dad. I watched the whole thing unravel in court and you should take the advice and start recording and documenting now. You are not married to her and you can get the evidence, you HAVE to get the evidence.

You can no longer allow your daughter to experience this and you won't hold out much longer. It is going to effect your new job, and you may even loose it. Alcohol is a progressive disease, it is going to get worse.

Let me ask you this, if you had to get a baby sitter for your daughter would you allow someone who was an alcoholic like your fiance to watch her?
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Old 07-16-2010, 08:04 PM
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Originally Posted by smacked View Post
Just wanted to repeat what I already said.
How long do you think you'll allow your daughter to continue to live with abuse? It is YOUR JOB to protect her from pain, grow some and do it, before someone else peeks into her horrible life and does it because she doesn't have even one parent willing to protect her.
Smacked, have YOU walked a mile in his shoes? I have.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Old 07-16-2010, 08:49 PM
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You can't save her, you know. Better concentrate on saving yourself and your daughter, instead.
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Old 07-16-2010, 09:18 PM
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Originally Posted by Paintbaby View Post
You can't save her, you know. Better concentrate on saving yourself and your daughter, instead.
It's true, you can't save her. But if you don't let go, she can take you and your daughter down with her.

My axw was in a 30 day court ordered inpatient treatment center and about half way through I could tell she wasn't "getting" it.

We were in the "system", state Child Protective Services. They had taken my 5yo daughter away for 5 months, so I feared them and they were the "enemy".

I went to the caseworkers office, armed with the knowledge that <3% get out and stay clean. I asked her if I let my aw come home after rehab, and she relapsed, what the "departments" next move would be.

She was very candid with me, she said THE DEPARTMENT WOULD MOVE TO TAKE OUR DAUGHTER AWAY FROM BOTH OF US. BTW, not "yelling" at you, just trying to add emphasis.

That was the exact moment in time when I made a decision to start taking care of my 5yo daughter and not her alcoholic, grown mother. You see, the stakes were far too high now. It was a no brainer.

Not particularly proud of myself prior to that, but it took what it took for me to "get it". But I will never forget that day sitting in that womans office.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Old 07-16-2010, 09:27 PM
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One more thing, the "enemy", CPS, became my greatest ally during two brutal 6 hour custody battles. All I had to do was the next right thing.

I really don't think this, then, 55yo man would have gotten sole custody of his 5yo little girl without some devine intervention. IDK. I am blessed.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Old 07-16-2010, 09:31 PM
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Mick

I was struck with how similar I think your story is to coyote's.

Perhaps you can reach out and get strength from him and from the rest of us here. His daughter is solid, from what I can tell, because of the devotion and smart decisions he has made on her behalf.

Children are SO vulnerable and SO maleable. I beg you to try TODAY to do something - even one small thing - for her future. We will help you.
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Old 07-17-2010, 07:46 AM
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Originally Posted by coyote21 View Post
Smacked, have YOU walked a mile in his shoes? I have.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
No, I haven't. My experience comes from being tossed around in foster care from one abusive/addict household to the next. 13 of them actually. I would have given anything in my scary little world for one adult in my life to care about me enough to protect me. But it never happened, and I will live with what I've lived with forever. I guess when I see th opportunity for children to be protected, and they aren't, I get a bit frazzled.

Sorry for the temporary hijack.
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Old 07-17-2010, 09:29 AM
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i used to be like you fiancee, i would make my husbands life a living hell
we have 4 children and they would take themselves off to their rooms when i started on the wine, every night i would get screaming roaring drunk, i would accuse him of affairs, and i also accused him of the thing your fiancee accused you of, i cant even write it down its too upsetting, but it wasnt true, none of it i was just so angry i turned into a monster when i was drunk, there is just no other way to describe it, i dont know why he didnt leave, i wish he had, it might have brought me to my senses earlier,
it all came to a head one night when i smashed the house up and he called the police, i told the police it was him, and he'd beaten me up, they didnt believe a word of it, as it was obvious who had been drinking and who hadnt,
i was arrested and after that i began to clean up my act, i wish he had called the police sooner, i wish he had left and given me the wake-up call i needed,
if you do nothing nothing will change
i am so ashamed of what i said/did, my kids are grown up now and we dont talk about it, but i still deal with a lot of regrets about what i was like, especially with my eldest son who suffered the most
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Old 08-24-2011, 07:22 PM
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Wow, I didn't realize the other post you made today (http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ken-abuse.html) has been going on since this original post from May 2010 ... I'm so sorry things have continued... hope they get better.
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Old 08-24-2011, 07:47 PM
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Your situation sounds very frightening. Is she usually clear headed in the am? Perhaps you could tell her the fighting, yelling, ranting is unacceptable and you will no longer tolerate it, as it is hurting you and the children. The next time she drinks and acts belligerent, you must take action. If she is obviously intoxicated and unruly, perhaps you need to call police and have her removed from home.

I am sure that any action prob seems difficult or perhaps impossible. But that is not the case. Do not let fear stop you from following your gut instincts. Its very hard to admit and face the alcoholism. You did that!! Now that you recognize you cannot continue to just go along, you need to figure out best course of action for you and your life. Change is so hard and scary, so many of us here have lived in alcoholic fueled craziness!

Keep posting and keep thinking of the best way to take care of you. None of us know what the future looks like, but sometimes you have to go on faith alone and just take the first step on a new path. Best of luck to you.
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