Mickb2513

Thank you so much all of you for your such kind words. I just feel so pathetic, I'm a grown man and I'm terrified of a woman. I just wish that she would stop drinking and just be nice to me for just 1 evening.
I'm really sorry for going on like this but as I said before I've never spoken to anyone that has been through this or understand.

Bernadette

Mickb--

Have you got any friends or family?

Can you make friends with some moms/dads at your daughters pre-school or daycare?

If I was in your situation I would need to ask for and accept help.

I've found amazing help comes when I ask for it! When I isolate and hide and feel trapped and sorry for myself and just do the same things over and over: NOTHING CHANGES!!!

The enormity of leaving her and setting up a sane happy home w/ baby girl may seem overwhelming. Try to make a little plan. Like: Call some lawyers. Set up a babysitter or a few hours off from work when daughter is already cared for and have a meeting. Have your questions ready.

With info from that phone call/meeting you can make the next baby step in your plan, whatever that may be.

Break it down into tiny bite-sized chunks. Even baby steps will take you places!

Soooooooooooooo glad you are here! You're not alone. You can do this. You can change your life and baby daughter's for much much better. One day at a time.

I think collectively we've seen it all on SR and we know how hard it is and how long it can take - so just know we walk beside you!

(((hugs)))
peace-
b

Bernadette

I'm a grown man and I'm terrified of a woman.

Man, woman doesn't matter! You are a PERSON being terrorized by an ALCOHOLIC. The regular rules do not apply! We can all relate 100%!!!!

I just wish that she would stop drinking and just be nice to me for just 1 evening.

Well, try to break free of denial mickb. Even if she was nice for one evening - she is an alcoholic and she is having great success at not letting anything get in the way of her drinking with her current behavior - so why should she change?

Nothing gets in the way of their drinking.

If they have to be a terror - they will be a terror. If they have to occasionnally be nice: they will occasionnally be nice. If they have to admit they have a problem to buy some more time without really changing: they will admit they have a problem. If they have to lie, hide, steal: they will lie, hide, steal.

Alcoholism is bigger than them, bigger than all that is good in them, and way bigger than me or you! It is a powerful, powerful, relentless addiction.

So even if she was nice to you tonight...what about tomorrow....and next week? Give up the dream and try to face the reality - it will help you make the right choices.

Not easy - but worth it.

peace-
b

suki44883

Well, I for one hope you will stop thinking of her as a fiance. It would be utter madness to marry into that. Have you considered contacting a domestic violence center and just talking to them? You don't have to make any decisions immediately, but just talking with someone who has knowledge in this area could be a huge help. Please don't let the fact that you are a man stop you from calling. Believe it or not, female on male domestic abuse isn't all that rare. I hope you'll make the call.

an'ka

Mickb, you don't want someone, much less your fiance, to be nice to you for "just one night". You deserve to be with someone who is nice to you all the time.

theuncertainty

This is so true! My son's school is amazing - the teachers, administrators and other parents - they've been so incredibly supportive, even though most don't know the whole tale. My son and I had a few really hard months at the end of the year. I hadn't told his teacher the full story, just that I left my husband several years ago. But after a few days of my son (normally a cheerful, outgoing, independent child) breaking down in tears and grabbing onto my legs as I tried to leave, my breaking down in tears, his teacher pulled me outside the class, while her teacher's assistant comforted and showed him the new project for the day, and asked what has been going on. I finally told her about the alcoholism, the associated manipulation, the poor judgement and indifference AH had been showing, etc. She has kept our confidence while at the same time was able to keep my son close on days that he needed a bit more love and had him 'help' her with different projects. One of the administrators saw me leaving in sad shape and came out of her office to talk with me and when I confessed what was going on shared her story, which was so similar. Other parents waited outside at my car to see if they could help. At first I was mortified: I had broken down in public-several times, I had had to ask for help, not just for me, but for my son, who I should be able to do everything for (so I thought). But there are a few who are now friends and not just acquaintances. Now, I'm wishing I'd done it before the crisis hit; I could have had this wonderful system of support earlier if only I had asked. (Hmmmmm, I said the same thing about AH's family on another post. A pattern is finally coming clear...)



It's all about manipulation so they can keep on with their drinking and/or getting away from the consequences of their actions. My AH is a master manipulator. I never would have thought he was capable of manipulating any one, much less do it in a manner that I never saw it coming. Being away from him has helped clear it up a bit, but it's still a lot of work to see through his cr**.

As Bernadette and others pointed out, you can plan in steps. It doesn't have to be an all or nothing event to get the ball rolling. Gathering information, researching custody options can all be done without acutally planning to walk out the door.

Bucyn

I got to tell you, I think that's hogwash. I know from personal experience that I spoke to 6 different lawyers, all about 30 - 45 minutes each on the phone. Even if no lawyer around you has a phone, you can take an hour to meet with at least one. You must get a lunch hour. Some lawyers do evening hours if you ask.

She won't care and will abuse you more.

steve11694

Be careful because she very well may have been given advice by seasoned scammers about ways to get you out of the house while still having to send her money. As it is, alcoholics often sustain bruises on their own. They bump into hard fixed objects or fall down. Be careful that she doesn't try to blame you for that.

After having been to the gates of hell and back with AW, I personally would document her drunken rage. Get a small mp3 player that has a mic and record capability You can listen to nice music and also be ready to record. I say this simply because when dealing with an alcoholic in a situation as yours/ours, we need to protect ourselves and children.

Speak to a lawyer also. In addition, since alcoholism progresses, she will get worse, and children will be in the middle; not a good place for them.

So sorry.

littlefish

What a terrible situation! Please don't think that mental and physical violence in the home is always caused by the man: men are frequently the victims of domestic violence. It sounds like things could tip over into that area at any moment....

I hope you start taking those first steps to get out of your situation: you have gotten some good advice here regarding asking friends or family for help. Asking someone if you and your child could stay with them for a time in order to start getting things in order might be where you can start.

I hope I don't come off sounding insensitive here, but I think you aren't realizing how damaging this situation is for your child. Already your little girl knows that her mom is angry and unreasonable, already your partner is probably instilling a lot of fear in your child. She is being traumatized now. A lot of people think kids don't notice much: I can assure you, they notice everything.

If your situation is as you describe it, I would put it into the "emergency" category. alcoholism is a progressive disease, it will only get worse. I hope you think seriously about making some changes....

Sunny1942

To quote page 18 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous:
If a person has cancer all are sorry for him and no one is angry or hurt. But not so with with the alcoholic illness, for with it there goes annihilation of all the things worthwhile in life. It engulfs all whose lives that touch the sufferer's. It brings misunderstanding, fierce resentment, financial insecurity, disgusted friends and employers, warped lives of blameless children, sad wives (husbands) and parents -- anyone can increase the list.

I offer this to remind you that you are in a totally unmanageable situation and your efforts, although loving, are your way of denying the problem. At least get to neutral ground where she is forced to face her own problem. She probably won't until she's lost a lot more. Such is what we alcoholics do while in the depths of our disease. Right now you don't matter, your daughter doesn't matter, the house doesn't matter, the new job doesn't matter. The only thing that does is the drink and numbing the pain.

I pray you have the strength to make courageous decisions for your self and your daughter and get some distance.

AlwaysGrowing

Mick
Sunny is right on. Your wife is not able to be rational from your posts. It is time for you and your daughter to leave and have a safe place to live. Yes it 100% sucks and there is NOTHING you can do. If she will go to rehab that would help her but from your posts I'm reading she hasn't a clue nor does she want help. Her options are death, jail, or a slow drunk'in death with you supporting that life style.

While many friends and coworkers don't openly talk about addition many know of friends or relatives who have additions. People want to be supportive but don't know how.

I've been thru this with my wife and she is now sober and a new woman. I did have to take the initive and push getting help but it was decision. That personality I fell in love with came back after being sober 60 something days and working a recovery program. This is very common.

Take care of your daughter. They need to grow up in a safe place or else they will have years of issues. YOU can help her now..

AG

daisygirl2000

Hi Mick,
Between her alcoholism and abusive behavior, I think there is a good chance you could get full custody of your daughter. You may still have to give your fiance supervised visitation with her, but you wouldn't have to pay child support. Don't think just because she is a woman that she will automatically get custody of your daughter. GO SEE A LAWYER.

Mickb2513

Thank you so much for your replies.

I just don't think that I could handle leaving at the moment. I've got all the stress of a new job I'm really trying to come accross professional and happy but inside I'm so upset.

She went mad at me last night because apparently I took too long putting our daughter to bed. And about 5 mins ago she started getting nasty and now I'm upstairs with my daughter and she's downstairs slamming doors and ranting. I could smell alcohol when I got home from work at 5pm. She seems to just get worse everyday.
The weekend just gone was absolute hell. She came home from work on friday, got changed and went straight back out with her freinds, she eventually came home just after midnight and just started screaming at me. She was absolutely out of control, she threw all my clothes everywhere and threatened to call the police and have me arrested. She eventually collapsed on our bed. Amazingly our daughter stayed asleep through the whole episode.
I'm gonna try and get some kind of pocket voice recorder so I can record some of the horrific abuse she comes out with.
Both Saturday and Sunday nights were just as bad, she seems to search for things to shout at me over then blows it all out of proportion and adds her sick twisted bit to it. I've been accused of everything imaginable. She even accused me of being gay.

I just can't understand how she thinks that losing control like that is a good thing. And I know for a fact she doesn't remember very much the day after.
It's like I'm living with 2 completely different women. During the day she is so nice and really is the woman I love but at night she turns into this pure evil monster. I just wish I could make her realize what she becomes.

smacked

I hope your desire to protect your daughter from this hell begins to outweigh the excuses you find to keep her living in it.

Freedom1990

Amen. 'Nuf said.

littlefish

Please listen to smacked: she has summed up what a lot of us have been thinking.

You are concentrating more on the pain your fiance is causing you than the pain she is inflicting on your daugher. You are an adult. Your precous youth is not being destroyed by this toxic situation. You CAN hold on, you CAN try to find a sense of peace, despite the mayhem, you CAN find some fragment of a comfort zone for yourself despite the abuse, but your daughter cannot. She can't because she doesn't have those tools for survival that an adult has.
I hope this is not too blunt, but you need to put your needs aside for a moment and concentrate on your daughter.

Bernadette

I just don't think that I could handle leaving at the moment. I've got all the stress of a new job I'm really trying to come accross professional and happy but inside I'm so upset.

Denying reality makes us very very sick. It can make you sick in your body, and it can make you sick in your mind.

Often I have been afraid to acknowledge reality. I have built up some radical fear of what will happen when "this all comes out."

When I fight this urge and get things out in the open pronto the result is always way less horrible than it was in my mind. Like not even close.

When I continue to deny reality and invest in the fear I associate with the truth things ALWAYS get worse and worse and worse. Until I finally HAVE to get thinsg out in the open and then I realize - Wow this would have been so much easier if I had dealt with it right away.

Reality will always win out - it will! For me, I learned that sooner is better than later!!!

I notice in your post you are still trying to figure out what makes your wife tick. Asking "why" an alcoholic would do anything (lie, scream, choose so badly, etc.) is a trick of DENIAL which goes hand in hand with alcoholism.

here's the answer: "Because she is an alcoholic." Period. If you answer all your pondering with that quick sentence what happens? You suddenly have free space in your mind - you are not turning over and over the ridiculous questions about her behavior thinking there is some greater answer than "Because she is an alcoholic." That free mind space is scary at first - that's why we tend to stay in denial. That free mind space beckons US to look at OURSELVES and make changes.

Remember: as long as you stay in denial you are playing for Team Alcohol and your wife's sickness will win the battle over the family dynamic. No matter how young your daughter is - she is learning some warped stuff right now. I know she is because I lived it. Ask any child of an alcoholic.

You seem very isolated Mick. Can you reach out and accept some local help?

peace-
b

Mickb2513

hello again,

i am still here,

im still trying to hold on to her, like i said, when she is sober she is so nice but if I dare mention alcohol she just starts crying and tells me she can't stand anything anymore.

It was my birthday the other day and i really thought we could have a nice night. But of course she got so unbelievably drunk she got in such a rage she threw all my clothes all over the house and down the stairs. i begged her to stop but she would not give in. I begged her and pleaded asking her just to be nice for this 1 day on my birthday but she was relentless with her horrific abuse.
Im trying to pluck up the courage to leave but im so scared of leaving my daughter in this chaotic household.
My partner is now plying her 16 year old daughter with wine and while I take care of my daughter upstairs they sit downstairs drinking.

Im going out of my mind but Im trying to apear happy in front of my daughter.
My partner screamed at me the other night and my little girl was absolutely terrified. I just wanted to get her as far away as possible. It was horrible.
My partner screams at me saying that she will call the police and tell them that Ive beat her up and that i've attacked her kids. On an evening my life becomes a pure living hell.

Strangly though, at my new job Ive just been promoted.

But of course when I told my partner i'd been promoted she said that I was lieing and I was having to move teams because the team i was in hated me because im a fat F*cking ******** that everyone hates.

I took that as a well done as thats the best i get from her

suki44883

Why would you be leaving your daughter with her? Why would you even consider doing that? Your daughter is helpless and you leaving but making her stay in that awful situation if just wrong. Why do you feel you cannot take your daughter with you?

Maybe you should go back and read all the good advice that was given before when you posted. There is no good reason for you to stay in that environment and it is very, very unhealthy for your little girl. If you won't get out for yourself, please save her from this madness. That is your responsibility as a parent.

coyote21

You know this JUST came up for me the other day.

For four long years I've always said I stayed with my axw way past "leaving" time.

I always said it was because I couldn't leave my then 3 or 4yo old daughter behind.

I've been sober, attending Alanon, trying to do the next right thing, and out of the "madness" now for 4 years.

Just last week it occurred to me I could have just left and taken her with.

I was sharing at a meeting at the time, and was dumbfounded when I heard that come out of my own mouth.

Our diseases, theirs and ours, are so weird to me. Baffling, and cunning on both parts.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

BTW Suki, your sig line by the Eagles, truer words were never spoken.