puckettcg

I've been "moved out" (into my daughter's room) for about a month now I guess. My kids think I should have kept the larger bedroom and he should have been the one to move out, but I'm really okay with it. Part of me wishes he'd move out, but on the other hand - he hasn't been drinking since he doesn't have money or a job and I have separate accounts that he can't access, he does keep up with the laundry and dishes (that's all he does but its something), and because he's here I don't have to pay for day care for my 3rd and 7th graders. Oddly, he makes coffee every afternoon about the time I get home. He'll make dinner when I tell him he has too. Its about the only thing we even talk about. He hasn't done anything to indicate he loves/cares for me or that he even wants to reconcile. He's made no attempts to get a job or even shown interest in getting a job. He briefly mentioned going back to school, but I know he won't do anything to make that happen. He's been saying that for 20 years.

I float between what seems like apathy and anger. Apathy because I've stopped feeling anything for him, and I guess he must feel the same. Anger because of what he's done and because I'm the one who has to do everything.

But the time "apart" has also got me thinking about what I want out of life. It occurred to me that while he never really stopped me from doing things I wanted to do, I always felt a tad bit guilty doing something or going somewhere he didn't want to do or go. And, he never wanted to do things with me - don't I deserve a partner who shares interests with me? The drinking was absolutely a huge part of the reason we never did or went anywhere together (other than family trips to the beach), but I've also come to realize that he just doesn't want to do anything.

I came to this realization last night. I've always blamed it on the booze and that if he would just stop drinking he'd find he felt better and may be inclined to do more than sit around and watch TV all day - but he's not drinking so maybe its just him. I've always thought that if only he'd stop drinking, I'd want to be with him - but I don't want to be with someone who is lazy and has no interest outside the four walls of this house.

Wow

Ceres

Ceres

Not that it's MUCH easier (he left in february). But there was a big invisible chain linking his misery directly to me. I still need to learn to fly without crashing into windows. But, I'm getting it. :-)

coffeedrinker

If you take a drunken horse theif and take their bottle away, what do you have?


A sober horse theif.


Just removing the drug does not change all that needs to change in order to be on the road to recovery.

I grind my teeth when I'm anxious. When I realize I'm grinding, I will myself to stop. Then I notice I'm chewing on the inside of my lip. Then I will myself to stop. Next thing I know, I'm picking at my nails. Then I will myself to stop. Darn, now I'm grinding again.
Guess what? I have to go to the root cause of the teeth grinding. OH, I'M ANXIOUS! THAT'S why I'm grinding -- I'm tense!

We need to get to the root of the distress, not just white-knuckle it and - for many folks - just find another temporary salve for the wound.

You are coming to some realizations. You are right where you are supposed to be.