Just Breathe1

I am having a really hard time with the emotional roller coaster that I feel I have been on lately. One moment I feel strong and confident that I am doing the right thing for me and my son by not being with my XABF, the next the sadness sets in all over again. The whole thing is really rather exhausting.

I know that I can not do anything at all about his choices, but knowing that does not magically make it not hurt. I have tried to do absolutely everything I could possibly think of to convince him to stop drinking, and then I tried some of it all over again. Of course, none of it worked, and it just left me feeling frustrated and angry. To be honest that is how ending our relationship started. I thought if I gave him an ultimatum he would choose our family over drinking. That, of course, didn't happen, and over the past couple of months I have realized that if he won't get help then I don't want to be with him. However, knowing that I am better off without all the drama his alcoholism causes in our lives doesn't make me miss him any less.

I feel like my hope that he will get well is diminishing daily, and it makes me sad. I am having to accept the fact that I am probably going to never be with him again, that our family will never be mended, and that reality is incredibly sad to me.

I know I need to focus on me, and what I need to do for myself, but is it wrong to miss someone? Or to want the best for them?I don't want him to get well for me. I want him to get well because he deserves better than what he is giving himself, and I wish he could see that.

For now I have decided that until he gets treatment I can not, and will not have anything to do with him. I have found that everytime we have any kind of contact I am left feeling devastated all over again.He is not the same person anymore, so I never get what I am looking for from having any contact with him.

At this moment, though the sadness is a bit overwhelming. I guess knowing what the right thing to do is doesn't mean it won't hurt, cause this hurts like hell!

Sorry for the long post, I just really needed to vent. Thanks for being here.

sesh

Of course it's not wrong to miss him and want what is best for him.
But you have to find a way to trully understand there is nothing you can do to make him do the right thing. I have finally reached that understanding, I think it happened when I was finally ready to be honest, to question myself, my defensivness and my paradigms.
Also I dicovered I was a bit of a hypocrit, as all this time I was expecting him to admit to his problem and do something about, while I refused to do the same. I resented him for not sticking to his promises, but guess what neither did I. So many times I said if you don't stop I'll leave, and than I stayed some more. By doing it I was really saying, well whatever you do I'll be here, and carry you on my back through life.
So many times I've read here Say what you mean and mean what you say. It took me forever to understand it. And it wasn't because I was stupid, but because I wasn't ready to clean my side of the road.
And now by leaving my AH it feels like that is the only real, good, helpfull, loving thing I can do for him. I'm giving him more space in which he has a chance to face his reality. Maybe he will, maybe he won't. But also very important I'm not doing it so he can understand, I'm doing it because it's a right thing to do for me and kids, as his behavior is unacceptable for us, so to say I'm giving him a chance to face the consenquences of his actions. Again maybe he will, maybe he won't, but I know that chance is all I can give him.
And yes, it's soooo hard, and I'm so, so, so sad, but it's beyond my control.
I've seen you read some of my previous threads, so you know there is a good chance my AH is very sick, which makes things ever harder, but the simple truth is there is nothing I can do about it, I can't make him want to live if he doesn't want to, I can't make him go to the doctors, I can't make him do anything, but I can get off that ride, and protect my kids and myself.
So I guess I'm finally doing what I've should done years ago, and it's not leaving him, it's treating him as an adult and let him take responsibility of his actions and his own life.

Jadmack25

Dear tfager, missing someone you care about is never wrong, and certainly is not a crime. It is simply natural, and to be expected when where you are at right now.

I can't better anything Sesh just said, and agree with her 100%, about treating the A as an adult (hard as that may be), and letting him experience the consequences of his actions.
Yes, he does deserve better for himself, but as always he needs to desire "better for him", more than he desires what he has and what he is right now.

Where you are is so very hard, lonely and miserable for you, and even tho you know in your mind and heart, that you are doing what must be done for you and your chldren, it still hurts that it has to be...due to addiction.

He didn't ask for this, nor did you....but here it is, happening because you can't live with the consequences of alcoholism, and he can't or won't live without drinking.

I feel for you, and know what a rotten time it has been for me, with the same problem.
I wish you all that you wish for yourself, and for strength and purpose in your life.

God bless

Just Breathe1

Sesh,

You are so right about so many of the things you said. I too have realized that I have said many, many things to him that I have not followed through on, and that I have to make a comittment to work on me, for me, just as much as he needs to do it for him. I also have realized that the only and best thing I can do for him, as well as my son and I, is also what I am doing, it just doesn't really make it any easier, but who said the right thing is ever the easy thing? I appreciate all the support I am finding here though, so thanks.

sesh

I aslo had a problem with it being hard, and always used to look for the easier way out, to avoid the pain, so every time I ended up back at the square 1.
Now I don't have such a big problem with it being hard, as working on myself I finally understood it's right thing to do. So kind of right overweights the pain, and makes it easier to bear, or better to say when I realized this is the really right thing to do, than all other options became non existant, and this became the only way to go about it. It doesn't take the pain go away, but it kind of takes the edge of it. As i don't feel trapped any more and I don't look for a way out. This is were I am. I did all I could do. There is nothing I can do to change this. This is my pain, my sadness, and it's here for the reason. I have to grieve, go through the pain and sadness in order to recover.
I guess it is about letting go, not only of him, but of all my beliefs on life too, creating a space in which everything is possible.

coffeedrinker

tfager,

Welcome to SoberRecovery! I was absent for a day or two, so I missed your intro.

OF COURSE you are sad, disillusioned, remorseful, and hurting. Two truths about that:
1. it will not go away for at least a time - may get worse, may lessen soon - but this is HUGE. 2. it WILL get better.... promise.

But, about #2. You do need that distance to let the healing begin. It is crucial. You have many insights already and you can be proud of yourself. Many of us stay stuck in these painful relationships for many years and all it does is prolong that pain.

We are here for you.

Just Breathe1

Thank you all! Sesh, I love what you said about having done all you could do. I find solace in that fact. I am completely confident that I could not have tried any harder than I did. As a matter of fact, some may even say I tried too hard. I also have thought about the fact that the pain that I am feeling now is part of my journey, and it will help me become a better person, it just sucks to feel it.

Coffee, thank you so much for the it WILL get better part, boy did I need to hear that! Also the part about this being huge. Sometimes I feel like my friends, as much as I know they love me, can't really understand how big this is, and it leaves me feeling like I'm just being dramatic. I'm really glad I have this forum where people can understand EXACTLY what I'm going through. So, thank you so much again!

coffeedrinker

And I'm sorry that I got your name wrong, JustBreathe

hopeful4

Being in the same situation I just want to send you a hug and advise you to strongly think it all out. Spend some time without him and you may find you and/or your children are happier w/out him there.

My husband went to rehab and I thought if he stopped drinking it would magically make everything else better. Surprise, he is not drinking, but it is not all better. He is still him. I am still me. Now we have all this baggage and hurt that I am not sure we can ever get past. I dont think I like him much anymore. Problem is, after rehab I let him come back home. Big mistake, even if he is clean. If nothing else, keep some time to yourself to figure it all out. If he is going to get better, let him do it on his own then after a long long amount of time analyze if you should be together. You may find what you want later on it totally different than it is today.

Good luck and God Bless!