Partner of an alcoholic/ user
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: St Petersburg, Fl.
Posts: 4
Partner of an alcoholic/ user
Hello Everybody,
I am 38, live in Florida and am in search of support and friendship from others in the same situation as I am. I have started to attend Al-Anon meetings in my ares last night I went to my first one. I found it very comforting knowing that others are feeling some of the same frustrations and pain that I feel daily. Do I stay or do I walk away this is a question that I ask myself daily these days and I'm kinda sitting on the fence due to the fact that I really love my partner . They have tryed to stop in the past put always returned back to the same old thing I know I am powerless over all this and that only my partner can make the change and start recovery I can't force the issue. But all the lies and deceit are really taking a toll on me and my well being. I'm trying to hang in there I take it all just day to day now I have no expectations anymore I hope that my partner gets it together but I won't allow myself to count on it anymore now.
I am 38, live in Florida and am in search of support and friendship from others in the same situation as I am. I have started to attend Al-Anon meetings in my ares last night I went to my first one. I found it very comforting knowing that others are feeling some of the same frustrations and pain that I feel daily. Do I stay or do I walk away this is a question that I ask myself daily these days and I'm kinda sitting on the fence due to the fact that I really love my partner . They have tryed to stop in the past put always returned back to the same old thing I know I am powerless over all this and that only my partner can make the change and start recovery I can't force the issue. But all the lies and deceit are really taking a toll on me and my well being. I'm trying to hang in there I take it all just day to day now I have no expectations anymore I hope that my partner gets it together but I won't allow myself to count on it anymore now.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Mich
Posts: 212
Kimberly~
FIrst of all, Hi! and Secondly, welcome! You will find this a wonderful, safe place with people that do care! I too am on the fence with the do I stay or do I go frame of mind. Like your a, mine is sober/active/sober. He stays sober for months on end and then blows it...it is very trying and I am trying my darndest to keep on living my life...doens't make it easy though and I've found coming here makes it easier, the people here do care and do understand!
Welcome and keep coming back!
Sped teach
FIrst of all, Hi! and Secondly, welcome! You will find this a wonderful, safe place with people that do care! I too am on the fence with the do I stay or do I go frame of mind. Like your a, mine is sober/active/sober. He stays sober for months on end and then blows it...it is very trying and I am trying my darndest to keep on living my life...doens't make it easy though and I've found coming here makes it easier, the people here do care and do understand!
Welcome and keep coming back!
Sped teach
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: St Petersburg, Fl.
Posts: 4
Sped Teach,
Thank you for your kindness I will keep coming back.
and like you try to continue on and concentrate now on my life and my own recovery and we'll see what happens.
Kimberly
Thank you for your kindness I will keep coming back.
and like you try to continue on and concentrate now on my life and my own recovery and we'll see what happens.Kimberly
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: portland, oregon
Posts: 37
Kimberly,
I have had those same "should I stay or should I go" frustrations.
Have you read Toby Rice Drews? Her book really helped me make up my mind definitively so I could move forward in a positive way.
And I certainly did!
Hugs,
kate
I have had those same "should I stay or should I go" frustrations.
Have you read Toby Rice Drews? Her book really helped me make up my mind definitively so I could move forward in a positive way.
And I certainly did!
Hugs,
kate
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: ohio
Posts: 322
hi kIMBERLY !
AND WELCOME.
since you've just begun in alanon, they do suggest no
major decisions in your life until you can think clearly again
this is only a suggestion as many make decisions in haste out
of frustration and emotions and later they may regret. them.just keep going to meetings and coming back as we realy
can get better as we work the program with our HP in control.
hopefuly you will find a sponser soon as this is an important
part of the journey.
God Bless you
liddy
AND WELCOME.
since you've just begun in alanon, they do suggest no
major decisions in your life until you can think clearly again
this is only a suggestion as many make decisions in haste out
of frustration and emotions and later they may regret. them.just keep going to meetings and coming back as we realy
can get better as we work the program with our HP in control.
hopefuly you will find a sponser soon as this is an important
part of the journey.
God Bless you
liddy
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Iowa USA
Posts: 102
I like what Liddy said. Unless you situation is unsafe why not take a little time, get stronger, and decide when you are ready?
Glad you are going to meetings, I have started and I feel ever so much better.
Glad you are going to meetings, I have started and I feel ever so much better.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Washington
Posts: 129
Hi Kimberly!
Welcome! And glad you found us, there's a lot of love and support here.
There's no rush to make a decision like Liddy says. Give yourself some time, get your real feelings in check again. The fact that you say you still love your A may be worth you hanging around, take things one day at a time, and just breathe. Don't let yourself get too overwhelmed with things and do something nice for you, b/c you do deserve that.
((hugs))
Welcome! And glad you found us, there's a lot of love and support here.
There's no rush to make a decision like Liddy says. Give yourself some time, get your real feelings in check again. The fact that you say you still love your A may be worth you hanging around, take things one day at a time, and just breathe. Don't let yourself get too overwhelmed with things and do something nice for you, b/c you do deserve that.
((hugs))
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Cordele, Ga
Posts: 6
Hello Kimberly and welcome! You are in the right place both here and in face to face meetings. Al-Anon saved my life. I, too, am struggling with the loss of trust to my mate. He is struggling with opiate addiction. He used to be alcoholic and somewhere along the way, quit drinking and got on pills when he hurt his back. I kinda feel like everything he ever told me was a lie. It is hard for me to believe anything he says and I am sure some of it is true! He is really trying in an outpatient program. It is tough. He wrecked our finances! I have a lot of anger stuffed. Our sex life has been nonexistant for years! That's right, I said Years! Now at least, I know why. I love him and I am sticking by him but there are times when it is hard not to let my deep anger feelings out. He is really full of guilt and remorse. He is on methadone and is doing really well and going in to the clinic everyday and goes to at least 3 meetings a week. He is on the road and cannot go everynight or I am sure he would. But the trust will be a long time coming back. My greatest asset is the fact that we are both very spiritual and we pray together and worship together and this is what makes it all bearable. This has only been this way for a little more than a year. God Bless us all, Cathy
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Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Marin County, CA.
Posts: 3
Kimberly-
Fridays are a particularly bad day for me especially in this netherland of indecision of whether love is enough with my A partner. He is concentrating on his recovery which is great but while he's doing that I start thinking that maybe alcoholism isn't his only addiction-took to many pain pills for dental surgery recently, works 12 hour days by his own admission to keep busy, has stopped going to church which he claims was an addiction, but is still hot and cold and definately selfish-yes I know people in recovery are supposed to be selfish but the level of it is breathtaking.
His behavior is consistently better now that he has stopped drinking but that same obsessive behavior is popping up else where-has a perfect body but claims he fat and out of shape-can't decide which pants looks best and so on which drives me nuts because it all looks good but anything I ever tell him will never make it ok. what amazes me about myself is that I put up with this!! That kind of skewed self image normally would drive me away from anyone! Will getting sober address some of these other issues or is this type of behavior a sympton of something much deeper? Which came first the A's anxiety, obsessive behaviors and depression or is it caused by the core issue of alcoholism. I don't know the answers to any of this. I have come to the conclusion to just wait and make the decision when the time is right but for reasons I already suspect Fridays put me into a sense of dread and and anxiety and longing and lonliness even though I have plenty to do. I will focus on myself this weekend with everthing I've got this weekend. This board is really helpful though and I thank everyone for their posts because they are pulling me through right now.
Fridays are a particularly bad day for me especially in this netherland of indecision of whether love is enough with my A partner. He is concentrating on his recovery which is great but while he's doing that I start thinking that maybe alcoholism isn't his only addiction-took to many pain pills for dental surgery recently, works 12 hour days by his own admission to keep busy, has stopped going to church which he claims was an addiction, but is still hot and cold and definately selfish-yes I know people in recovery are supposed to be selfish but the level of it is breathtaking.
His behavior is consistently better now that he has stopped drinking but that same obsessive behavior is popping up else where-has a perfect body but claims he fat and out of shape-can't decide which pants looks best and so on which drives me nuts because it all looks good but anything I ever tell him will never make it ok. what amazes me about myself is that I put up with this!! That kind of skewed self image normally would drive me away from anyone! Will getting sober address some of these other issues or is this type of behavior a sympton of something much deeper? Which came first the A's anxiety, obsessive behaviors and depression or is it caused by the core issue of alcoholism. I don't know the answers to any of this. I have come to the conclusion to just wait and make the decision when the time is right but for reasons I already suspect Fridays put me into a sense of dread and and anxiety and longing and lonliness even though I have plenty to do. I will focus on myself this weekend with everthing I've got this weekend. This board is really helpful though and I thank everyone for their posts because they are pulling me through right now.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: mid-atlantic
Posts: 53
welcome!
i'm in the same boat. you aren't alone here.
i've been blessed to receive some wonderful wisdom here about the should i quit or not dilemma
give yourself the gift of time....concentrate on you and your recovery for now. the rest will come.
it sure is hard, i know.
keep coming back!
i'm in the same boat. you aren't alone here.
i've been blessed to receive some wonderful wisdom here about the should i quit or not dilemma
give yourself the gift of time....concentrate on you and your recovery for now. the rest will come.
it sure is hard, i know.
keep coming back!
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