6 weeks of NC and then a letter
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
6 weeks of NC and then a letter
It's been 6 weeks. He sent me a letter in the mail (I have him blocked on the phone and email). The letter is short.
The letter says he misses me, says he's "doing better", he "hopes we can talk someday" soon, and he hopes I'm not sad anymore.
The letter doesn't say if he's sober or how long he's been sober.
The ambiguity annoys me. It irritates me that he would send me that crappy letter when I know he's still drinking. He must know that because he said nothing about sobriety, that I would know he's still drinking. It's insulting. I want to write back to him to tell him something. Something that will make him leave me alone. That's the problem though:
There's nothing you can SAY to an alcoholic that will fix anything, solve anything, or help anything. It's all about doing. So I guess in this case, what I need to DO is nothing.
Just checking in!
The letter says he misses me, says he's "doing better", he "hopes we can talk someday" soon, and he hopes I'm not sad anymore.
The letter doesn't say if he's sober or how long he's been sober.
The ambiguity annoys me. It irritates me that he would send me that crappy letter when I know he's still drinking. He must know that because he said nothing about sobriety, that I would know he's still drinking. It's insulting. I want to write back to him to tell him something. Something that will make him leave me alone. That's the problem though:
There's nothing you can SAY to an alcoholic that will fix anything, solve anything, or help anything. It's all about doing. So I guess in this case, what I need to DO is nothing.
Just checking in!
Only stepping forward
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 330
I would LOVE one insulting letter in the mail every 6 weeks or so. That would be such a relief!!!
I'm not going to say he's cut back on contact with me, because every time I do that he just sends them out full force. You're right, it IS insulting.
I let my exabf get the best of me last week (and I kicked myself afterwords). First text was I love you, I miss you. Second to fourth were you're my best friend, my lover, how do I stop crying, what did you do that makes this so easy for you? Fifth to eighth said maybe he just needs to go screw someone else and pretend to care about them so it'll be easy for him like it is for me. Ninth and tenth said fine if I'm going to be this stuck up little %*& (#($ and *&@) and #!)@($#* then he can be just as selfish and self centered. Up to eleven now said if I don't call or text him back he's gonna have to just come over so we can talk and cry together. Then he said if I'm just gonna be this way he'll be here tomorrow to bring me all the stuff that's left in his house, I can have it all, he doesn't care. If he can't have me then no one can. If he can't have me then he has no reason to keep living. But he guesses that's what I want anyway so I win and I get my wish and he hopes I'm happy knowing that when he kills himself it's my fault. He hopes it was all worth it for me.
I text my best friend........I know all the
smileys and what not combination's make them, but how do you vomit in a text message!?
In a matter of an hour he went from lovey dovey I love you, I miss you, I need you to you're nothing but a no good piece of s^@t and you are hurting me terribly.
Yet, they wonder why we remain silent to their babbling?? Sorry, but I have better things to do than to be loved only on someone else's terms. Love me only when you get your way. Please.
I always had fairly high expectations of my fairy tale.....my prince charming was going to be like this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this.
I hold myself strong today saying, when the time comes, I wanna come out of my room first thing in the morning with a Medusa hairdo, eyeliner smeared down to my cheek bones, a big swelled up puss filled zit on the tip of my nose, breath like I swallowed a cow patty, stomping my bare feet with nasty toe fungus, sweating like a pig hollering and screaming...........and my prince charming will look at me and say "my gawd woman you're beautiful and I love you".
That's the way it should be. I have had enough of "I'll love you if you give me what I want, tell me what I want to hear but if you step back and don't do what I say, when I say, how I say then you're nothing but a no good $&(*#&*@_P$*(%_"
Yeah, sorry, I've got better things to do. No more egg shell walking for me. I've already won the gold medal in that and now I've retired.
I'm not going to say he's cut back on contact with me, because every time I do that he just sends them out full force. You're right, it IS insulting.
I let my exabf get the best of me last week (and I kicked myself afterwords). First text was I love you, I miss you. Second to fourth were you're my best friend, my lover, how do I stop crying, what did you do that makes this so easy for you? Fifth to eighth said maybe he just needs to go screw someone else and pretend to care about them so it'll be easy for him like it is for me. Ninth and tenth said fine if I'm going to be this stuck up little %*& (#($ and *&@) and #!)@($#* then he can be just as selfish and self centered. Up to eleven now said if I don't call or text him back he's gonna have to just come over so we can talk and cry together. Then he said if I'm just gonna be this way he'll be here tomorrow to bring me all the stuff that's left in his house, I can have it all, he doesn't care. If he can't have me then no one can. If he can't have me then he has no reason to keep living. But he guesses that's what I want anyway so I win and I get my wish and he hopes I'm happy knowing that when he kills himself it's my fault. He hopes it was all worth it for me.
I text my best friend........I know all the
smileys and what not combination's make them, but how do you vomit in a text message!?In a matter of an hour he went from lovey dovey I love you, I miss you, I need you to you're nothing but a no good piece of s^@t and you are hurting me terribly.
Yet, they wonder why we remain silent to their babbling?? Sorry, but I have better things to do than to be loved only on someone else's terms. Love me only when you get your way. Please.
I always had fairly high expectations of my fairy tale.....my prince charming was going to be like this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this.
I hold myself strong today saying, when the time comes, I wanna come out of my room first thing in the morning with a Medusa hairdo, eyeliner smeared down to my cheek bones, a big swelled up puss filled zit on the tip of my nose, breath like I swallowed a cow patty, stomping my bare feet with nasty toe fungus, sweating like a pig hollering and screaming...........and my prince charming will look at me and say "my gawd woman you're beautiful and I love you".
That's the way it should be. I have had enough of "I'll love you if you give me what I want, tell me what I want to hear but if you step back and don't do what I say, when I say, how I say then you're nothing but a no good $&(*#&*@_P$*(%_"
Yeah, sorry, I've got better things to do. No more egg shell walking for me. I've already won the gold medal in that and now I've retired.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
Yuck, KP. You're right. It doesn't change anything. He is feeling sorry for himself. If he had gone into a rehab program or were working AA, he would have told you that as he knows that is what you want to hear about.
You stay the course.
You stay the course.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
KV816 - Thanks for the post. Quick question though, how come your x can still text you? How come you don't block him? If I didn't block mine, he would be texting me as your does. I felt so much better once he wasn't able to affect my days in that way.
Only stepping forward
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 330
KP....I chose not to change my number again. I decided a couple months ago that I wanted things to be peaceful, as little "up and run" as possible (because I have children). There are other reasons, and I usually realize them here and there in an "aha" moment. I have changed my number twice in the last year, he eventually gets it. My children are babies, younger than 10, and I didn't want to have to make them learn a new number again--especially this close to all the summer activities. Also because last time I changed my number he harassed several people that work with me--one group of individuals by policy have to page me with his word-for-word message and it was quite embarrassing--I do not know these people by anything more than an ID number and could not pull them out of a crowd (during a 10 hour shift we are nothing but a voice on the radio to each other). But last time I changed my number he called them a dozen times in a few hours and finally had me paged with "your husband is requesting you call him". I don't want that again. My kids' school also received numerous phone calls from him. The principal finally called me and stated they do not have the time or manpower to be involved in such domestic issues and I need to do whatever I need to do to make a healthy environment for my children (again, embarrassing).
Right now, the BIGGEST issue I'm having is that he is still angry......very, very, VERY angry. And if I shut off his phone, change my number, whatever, then the only options he has left are to accept it and move on, leaving me alone or harassing my co-workers and/or showing up at my door.
There was more to our dysfunctional relationship than alcohol though. He only hit me once and only hit me with an object or threw an object at me a handful of times and all times it's when he was completely wasted. Right now he is extremely angry. I don't think he's drinking, but if he is, and if he is angry and drunk on top of it, I'm not willing to take that chance and have him use the only form of contact he'd have, which is showing up at my door. My attorney said despite everything I've got, I cannot get a TRO until he actually causes physical harm (I never reported anything when we were together so none of that is on record). Again, as much as I want that order, I'm not going to let him smack me around out of a drunken angry fit just to get it.
As crazy as it sounds, right now just turning off notifications and ringers on my cell is the best and most peaceful thing for me. My house will be ready to move in by mid August and it's actually three towns over from where I am now (further away from him too because he's two towns the other direction from me now).
But until then, it's baby steps for me.
Right now, the BIGGEST issue I'm having is that he is still angry......very, very, VERY angry. And if I shut off his phone, change my number, whatever, then the only options he has left are to accept it and move on, leaving me alone or harassing my co-workers and/or showing up at my door.
There was more to our dysfunctional relationship than alcohol though. He only hit me once and only hit me with an object or threw an object at me a handful of times and all times it's when he was completely wasted. Right now he is extremely angry. I don't think he's drinking, but if he is, and if he is angry and drunk on top of it, I'm not willing to take that chance and have him use the only form of contact he'd have, which is showing up at my door. My attorney said despite everything I've got, I cannot get a TRO until he actually causes physical harm (I never reported anything when we were together so none of that is on record). Again, as much as I want that order, I'm not going to let him smack me around out of a drunken angry fit just to get it.
As crazy as it sounds, right now just turning off notifications and ringers on my cell is the best and most peaceful thing for me. My house will be ready to move in by mid August and it's actually three towns over from where I am now (further away from him too because he's two towns the other direction from me now).
But until then, it's baby steps for me.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
and he hopes I'm not sad anymore.
Oh well that was actually something nice to say.
And yes, you don't have to read what he says, you can just give it to the paper shredder.
It gets much better, believe it, it really does. But you got to keep the NC and remember it is about you and your life....... he is not that many neurons away from a madman so who cares. (I know it is easy to say it..)
Oh well that was actually something nice to say.
And yes, you don't have to read what he says, you can just give it to the paper shredder.
It gets much better, believe it, it really does. But you got to keep the NC and remember it is about you and your life....... he is not that many neurons away from a madman so who cares. (I know it is easy to say it..)
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
anvilhead is so right.
Listen to anvilhead.
And yes in our mind IF ONLY they said this or that or do this or that, we are one step away from happiness! well its all a lie... honestly to me now, whatever alkie said or did would fall so short from the bad times I passed.
I like the dettachment that comes when one is fed up. If anything know that I know how it feels. In my case alkie never wrote back and for all I know, KP, your ex and my ex are drinking as usual or worse, so it really means nothing. Words mean nothing to them. Its just who falls for their lies.
The ones who really know alkies start getting away and usually want nothing else to do with them even when they are family. Very sad.
Also, alcohol gets too much credit, I realized this is SO TRUE when I went to have dinner with a very good friend. He drank like 6 drinks and I only drank a pina colada. BUT he was NEVER disrespectful. He didn't insist on driving, made any move, mention my many flaws. I had a really good time. So I dunno if this friend is alkie or not but the lesson he taught me is that its all about behavior and character. There are so many jerks that are jerks while sober!
Stay away from all the madness KP, we should be enjoying our lives and what makes US happy. Hugs.
Listen to anvilhead.
And yes in our mind IF ONLY they said this or that or do this or that, we are one step away from happiness! well its all a lie... honestly to me now, whatever alkie said or did would fall so short from the bad times I passed.
I like the dettachment that comes when one is fed up. If anything know that I know how it feels. In my case alkie never wrote back and for all I know, KP, your ex and my ex are drinking as usual or worse, so it really means nothing. Words mean nothing to them. Its just who falls for their lies.
The ones who really know alkies start getting away and usually want nothing else to do with them even when they are family. Very sad.
Also, alcohol gets too much credit, I realized this is SO TRUE when I went to have dinner with a very good friend. He drank like 6 drinks and I only drank a pina colada. BUT he was NEVER disrespectful. He didn't insist on driving, made any move, mention my many flaws. I had a really good time. So I dunno if this friend is alkie or not but the lesson he taught me is that its all about behavior and character. There are so many jerks that are jerks while sober!
Stay away from all the madness KP, we should be enjoying our lives and what makes US happy. Hugs.
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