we talked yesterday...too early?
Inhale, Exhale, Repeat
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: TX
Posts: 59
we talked yesterday...too early?
His mom sent me a long update yesterday, about how he has come clean with his higher ups at work (army) and self enrolled into their addiction recovery program. Apparently it is rare that anyone self enrolls. I know she really wants to keep me informed, but I also feel like she is kind of "selling" me on his desire to recover and stay sober too.
Some of her update:
This required him to complete a series of forms and obtain his Company
Commander's signature. The goodness in this action is significant. It
required him to come clean with his chain of command - no more secrets, he
will be required to complete a battery of tests and evaluations to ascertain
what treatment he needs, will put the spotlight on him and closer scrutiny
to ensure he isn't relapsing or placed in situations that may be detrimental
to his recovery.
And...
*** just called me and he said "I know I will never drink alcohol or do
drugs again - it is truly the reason I feel so badly about myself" or words
to that effect. I can hear it in his voice that HE MEANT IT. I told him
now he has to walk the talk and do the treatment and get the skeletons OUT OF HIS CLOSET and DEAL WITH THEM so he isn't running for cover. He agrees. I honestly could feel his epiphany through the airways and am cautiously optimistic that the proverbial lights have come on.
So, at this point in time, I feel that *** has the support he needs to
see him through. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for not
telling him where you and he stood until he had an established support
network. I believe that with his weekly therapist, nightly AA Meetings, AA
Sponsor and ASAP he has that support network to deal with his inner demons
and consequences of his actions.
Does this sound like too much? In saying that, I realize that it doesn't matter what she thinks. It matters what I think. I guess I am just wondering how to respond if she keeps on with this. She did say the other day to not worry about hurting her feelings.
On a different note, my A asked if he could call yesterday and I called him back. We haven't really talked since this all went down last weekend, just some emails. He has been very kind to me through all of this and has never protested my decision, or tried to justify his actions. And when I wrote him that letter about breaking off the engagement, there was no ultimatum in it to strop drinking. He was pretty irrational on Sunday when he tried to drive here, but his mom talked some sense into him. He has said a few times that he's glad he didn't, since he knows I need my space right now. Yesterday I think the purpose of the call, for him, was that he wanted to apologize, tell me a bit about enrolling the army substance abuse program, and his counseling appointment. He also wanted to know if he is still coming here next week. I told him I didn't know if that was the best thing, that I would think about it. I told him there would definitely be drinking going on, since we are having Mem. weekend party at my brother's. He said, I just want to see you. I don't have any expectations.
Then, he calls back right after his meeting. He says, I was distracted all during the meeting and I changed my mind. I shouldn't come down there, especially not for Memorial Day. He said he isn't ready for that. We both agreed that the desire to see each other (I haven't seen him since mid-April as is) will always be there, so we can't always make decisions based just on that. We need to do what is right, not just what we want, basically. He was in agreement with this. He said I cannot promise you forever, I can only promise you today, and tomorrow. I said I was still trying to figure out where I fit in the equation in the meantime, that I don't necessarily think I should just be waiting in the wings while he is still sooo early in his recovery. He said he knows that he wants to spend his life with me, but that he understands my position and doesn't need any answers right now. So that's what's up between us for now. Am I already letting him back in too early? I am trying to be clear about where I stand, but that's kind of hard when I don't even entirely know where I stand. I don't feel any pressure from him though, and that is a relief.
And now I get to tell my mom tonight. Ahhhh!!! That is going to SUCK. I almost want to just email and tell her before and tell her we will discuss more in person so that I don't have to see that awful look of shock and pity on her face. She is very easily shocked sometimes. Plus then she could ruminate on it on her drive down and be more calm when she gets here. Is this me just chickening out? I have counseling appointment at 5 tonight, finally. Woo hoo!!!
Please call out my codie tendencies as you see them. That's why I'm here. I'm trying to hold myself accountable and maintain clarity and honesty with my actions and intentions. Thanks for listening.
Some of her update:
This required him to complete a series of forms and obtain his Company
Commander's signature. The goodness in this action is significant. It
required him to come clean with his chain of command - no more secrets, he
will be required to complete a battery of tests and evaluations to ascertain
what treatment he needs, will put the spotlight on him and closer scrutiny
to ensure he isn't relapsing or placed in situations that may be detrimental
to his recovery.
And...
*** just called me and he said "I know I will never drink alcohol or do
drugs again - it is truly the reason I feel so badly about myself" or words
to that effect. I can hear it in his voice that HE MEANT IT. I told him
now he has to walk the talk and do the treatment and get the skeletons OUT OF HIS CLOSET and DEAL WITH THEM so he isn't running for cover. He agrees. I honestly could feel his epiphany through the airways and am cautiously optimistic that the proverbial lights have come on.
So, at this point in time, I feel that *** has the support he needs to
see him through. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for not
telling him where you and he stood until he had an established support
network. I believe that with his weekly therapist, nightly AA Meetings, AA
Sponsor and ASAP he has that support network to deal with his inner demons
and consequences of his actions.
Does this sound like too much? In saying that, I realize that it doesn't matter what she thinks. It matters what I think. I guess I am just wondering how to respond if she keeps on with this. She did say the other day to not worry about hurting her feelings.
On a different note, my A asked if he could call yesterday and I called him back. We haven't really talked since this all went down last weekend, just some emails. He has been very kind to me through all of this and has never protested my decision, or tried to justify his actions. And when I wrote him that letter about breaking off the engagement, there was no ultimatum in it to strop drinking. He was pretty irrational on Sunday when he tried to drive here, but his mom talked some sense into him. He has said a few times that he's glad he didn't, since he knows I need my space right now. Yesterday I think the purpose of the call, for him, was that he wanted to apologize, tell me a bit about enrolling the army substance abuse program, and his counseling appointment. He also wanted to know if he is still coming here next week. I told him I didn't know if that was the best thing, that I would think about it. I told him there would definitely be drinking going on, since we are having Mem. weekend party at my brother's. He said, I just want to see you. I don't have any expectations.
Then, he calls back right after his meeting. He says, I was distracted all during the meeting and I changed my mind. I shouldn't come down there, especially not for Memorial Day. He said he isn't ready for that. We both agreed that the desire to see each other (I haven't seen him since mid-April as is) will always be there, so we can't always make decisions based just on that. We need to do what is right, not just what we want, basically. He was in agreement with this. He said I cannot promise you forever, I can only promise you today, and tomorrow. I said I was still trying to figure out where I fit in the equation in the meantime, that I don't necessarily think I should just be waiting in the wings while he is still sooo early in his recovery. He said he knows that he wants to spend his life with me, but that he understands my position and doesn't need any answers right now. So that's what's up between us for now. Am I already letting him back in too early? I am trying to be clear about where I stand, but that's kind of hard when I don't even entirely know where I stand. I don't feel any pressure from him though, and that is a relief.
And now I get to tell my mom tonight. Ahhhh!!! That is going to SUCK. I almost want to just email and tell her before and tell her we will discuss more in person so that I don't have to see that awful look of shock and pity on her face. She is very easily shocked sometimes. Plus then she could ruminate on it on her drive down and be more calm when she gets here. Is this me just chickening out? I have counseling appointment at 5 tonight, finally. Woo hoo!!!
Please call out my codie tendencies as you see them. That's why I'm here. I'm trying to hold myself accountable and maintain clarity and honesty with my actions and intentions. Thanks for listening.
Inhale, Exhale, Repeat
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: TX
Posts: 59
Originally Posted by anvilhead 
i know talking to your mom is a HUGE hurdle....remember WHY you are doing this....we are only as sick as our secrets. think hard about WHY you did NOT tell your mom about GETTING MARRIED. what does that say? in what should be one of the most joyful moments of our lives, that should be shared with the world, you kept it hidden. NOW you get the chance to set things straight, to come clean.....good for you!
When you were talking about the huge red flag, I feel like he has made more of those type statements to his mom than me. To me he said he can't promise forever. But you are absolutely right, only time will tell, and that's what I've told his mom too. I have always been suspicious about this before, but yet, she is very codie herself. She's calling him almost hourly and sending me updates, two yesterday over email and texts too, and has called almost nightly since.
So in order to stick to my boundaries, I need to completely stay away for at least six months? No call, no see, no email?? I'm not sure what these boundaries look like just yet.
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
Is your plan to reconcile with him? Just curious.. cuz otherwise, I (personally) wouldn't be talking to his mother, or to him.. anymore.
Sounds like she's trying to rope you in, and you're getting kinda roped
What have you decided to do?
Sounds like she's trying to rope you in, and you're getting kinda roped
What have you decided to do?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,058
I am a recovering alcoholic and I don't know your full story but here is my gut read.
As a military spouse, I will tell you that his coming clean with his commander is a HUGE step and now his problem is out there. He will definitely get the help he needs now and I applaud him for doing the right thing.....getting help.
To say he won't drink again should be taken with a grain of salt per se. Ok, many alchis say it and are right back hitting up the bottle. If you have hit rock bottom (which is different physically or emotionally, etc. for each alcholic) then yeah...you believe and want to be done.
Relapses are a reality and if you learn from them and get back up each time then my hat if off to them. If they are swearing on each bender and keep going back and have no program of recovery in place then who knows when it will happen. You must look at the scenario.....sobriety is a tough battle and it is far more then just putting the bottle down. What support is in place.....what personal and lifestyle changes are being made?
Recovery is not overnight and he will be going through a lot. He will need to work his recovery to start making changes.
Your concern is you. Take care of yourself and don't do anything that compromises you and your life.
All the best.
As a military spouse, I will tell you that his coming clean with his commander is a HUGE step and now his problem is out there. He will definitely get the help he needs now and I applaud him for doing the right thing.....getting help.
To say he won't drink again should be taken with a grain of salt per se. Ok, many alchis say it and are right back hitting up the bottle. If you have hit rock bottom (which is different physically or emotionally, etc. for each alcholic) then yeah...you believe and want to be done.
Relapses are a reality and if you learn from them and get back up each time then my hat if off to them. If they are swearing on each bender and keep going back and have no program of recovery in place then who knows when it will happen. You must look at the scenario.....sobriety is a tough battle and it is far more then just putting the bottle down. What support is in place.....what personal and lifestyle changes are being made?
Recovery is not overnight and he will be going through a lot. He will need to work his recovery to start making changes.
Your concern is you. Take care of yourself and don't do anything that compromises you and your life.
All the best.
Inhale, Exhale, Repeat
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: TX
Posts: 59
I suppose at this point my plan is not to reconcile, but not to say never. I mean, I should probably completely detach and move on. Then, in six months or a year, I can re-visit my feelings for him and our situation and see if I am interested in picking that back up. The problem is, will I actually be able to stay away and pull that off? And will I be brave enough to let him know of how much I need to detach and let him know just how very uncertain our future is, and that I might be dating other people? Ug....I'm used to not seeing him. But not talking and no email, no texts...I don't know how to do that. And the thought of it makes me soooo sad. I know that I can't just make decisions based on avoiding pain.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
he has come clean with his higher ups at work (army) and self enrolled into their addiction recovery program.
The Army has become much more enlightened and serious about addiction and it is in their best interest to keep that highly trained soldier willing and able to do his/her job.
After saying that, the best program in the world will not help those will not be helped.
He asked and he will get great care.
I hope his mother can get away from his program, and you certainly dont need daily updates on his progress. If he is spending too much time trying to convince you he is doing the right thing, how much time can he actually be doing the right thing? In between the work day, and the program, he will be very very busy.
I went to inpatient in Landstuhl, there was no contact with anyone (even my kids) for two weeks, the program was 6 weeks and the family visit wasnt until the fifth week.
Yeah, it's easy to say you will never drink again. I put down my last drink august 18, 1996. I told myself "I don't have to do this anymore."
But, I had twenty years dedicated by then. So, it was time.
Inhale, Exhale, Repeat
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: TX
Posts: 59
I just wanted to extend my gratitude to the recovering A's chiming in. It is very useful to hear your viewpoint. I mean, yeah, I hear his. But he is so new at this and I trust so little of what he says, for now.
Wicked, I will definitely take into account what you are saying. He should be too busy to be updating me constantly. Is it anyone's place to get his mom to back away from his recovery efforts or is that on her?
I do hope that he is going to completely overhaul his life, since like you said Kmber, it's about more than just putting the bottle down. Hopefully he will form some close relationships w/ people from meetings, his sponsor, and people from the army substance abuse program. That has definitely been a big void in his life. He always seems to keep most people at arm's length. I've always been trying to figure that one out.
Wicked, I will definitely take into account what you are saying. He should be too busy to be updating me constantly. Is it anyone's place to get his mom to back away from his recovery efforts or is that on her?
I do hope that he is going to completely overhaul his life, since like you said Kmber, it's about more than just putting the bottle down. Hopefully he will form some close relationships w/ people from meetings, his sponsor, and people from the army substance abuse program. That has definitely been a big void in his life. He always seems to keep most people at arm's length. I've always been trying to figure that one out.
Inhale, Exhale, Repeat
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: TX
Posts: 59
Ah, so true. So true. Thanks for calling me out. He is doing a lot of that right now, but who knows if he will be in a few months, and that is not for me to worry about. I am reallly going to try and focus on me. That's why I come here...so you guys can keep reminding me. 
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: -
Posts: 118
Just to be cautionary, but do you think he'd lie to his mom?
She wants to believe him, and might not know. She would then pass on the lie as truth.
My mil used to lie and say that my husband was sober when he was not when we were separated. Maybe she didn't know. Idk.
I'm not sure I'd believe it tbh.
She wants to believe him, and might not know. She would then pass on the lie as truth.
My mil used to lie and say that my husband was sober when he was not when we were separated. Maybe she didn't know. Idk.
I'm not sure I'd believe it tbh.
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