LaTeeDa

The thread on PTSD really got me thinking about my own fear. When I was diagnosed, I didn’t think too much about it. I figured since the A was out of my house and out of my life, I didn’t have to deal with triggers anymore, and it would no longer be an issue. I had done some family of origin/inner child work with my therapist and felt confident that I could recognize triggers, recognize the fear, and deal with it from a place of healthy awareness.

What I’ve just realized lately, is that my fear is not so much about particular events and triggers. There were many events in my childhood that caused fear. A lot of them, I don’t even have clear memories of. I discovered in therapy that I have blocked much of my childhood from my own memory. There are big gaps, long periods of time that I have no memory at all of. According to my therapist, this is quite common with ACOA’s.

But, here is the revelation. Fear has been a constant all my life. At some point, it ceased to be about any certain thing, and just became a way of being. Like the current that runs just under the surface—all the time. Someone mentioned in the other thread being “under threat.” Yes, that’s it. I have always been under threat, my whole life. Even when I am seemingly contented, safe, and peaceful, the fear is still there, just under the surface.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t walk around biting my nails and gritting my teeth all day. It’s just that my psyche, my subconscious is always on high alert. It stands ready to spring into “fight or flight” at the drop of a hat, or the mere suggestion of anything slightly scary, or a bit uncomfortable. I don’t think I’ve let my guard down in all my 47 years. Wow.

I’m not sure what to do with this new insight, but just to be aware of it is really powerful. What a major revelation.


L

MissFixit

Hugs LTD.

What an insight.

I was reading an article about fear just yesterday. It said that fear is a learned response. Meaning, you have to have had something happen to you in order to fear it in the future.

The involvement in abusive relationships (A or family of origin) are definitely prior stressors that much fear now is based on.

Kassie2

LTD,

Good work! Wanted to let you know that "fear" learned in childhood or PTSD is a neurochemistry/ biological problem that remains long after the threat is gone. It becomes an automatic behavior or reaction to a specific trigger that is usually sensory based in our memory not in words.

The main way to change the neuroprocess is to practice relaxation techniques of any kind that work for you. Many talk about deep breathing and muscle tech. and some talk about meditation/prayer, others are whole brain synchronicization, EMDR, Energy Tapping etc.

LaTeeDa

Yes, I can see that it is residual. Like sort of a "habit" my brain has gotten into.

I can't even identify specific "threats" or "triggers" anymore. It's like they have all morphed into one big fear. There are so many.

Physical: All the times my father was reckless with my safety.
Emotional: The times my individuality was scolded or mocked by my mother.
Financial: Living in poverty, my parents selling my things when money was tight.
Social: All the times we moved without any notice to escape the creditors.
Abandonment: Being treated as a burden, my father's death.

I see also that this is where my control issues come from. My childhood was always out of control. As an adult, I crave control as a means of security.

Breathing and meditation does help. As does gratitude. I can't help but feel that this new awareness will help, too. Dragging things out of the darkness and into the light has always been positive for me....

L

LaTeeDa

I suppose I should mention that, as far as I can tell, physical abuse isn't the cause of my fear. My mother used spanking liberally, but my father never did. My husband was not physically abusive in our marriage. That may be why it's difficult to identify specific causes or triggers. I think that living in a constant state of unpredictability, instability, and chaos made anxiety and fear just a "way of life."

Wow. I hope the parents living with A's are reading this thread.

L

sesh

Same here, only 10 years younger than you.
My guard is always up too. Always ready for the worst case scenario. hardly ever possible for me relax and just be. And very often I have these thoughts about horrible things happening. Like I'd be daydreaming, I should be able to have that the way I want it, right ? But no, no. Like if I'm imagining myself laying on the beach, all of the sudden the freaking tzunami is coming.
These constant negative thoughts are so tireing as it takes so much energy to fight them off.

Iwanttoheal

Hi LaTeeDa

Thank you for starting this thread.

This jumped straight off the page at me - yup, can relate 100%.

Just a thought from your other post - liberal spanking is child abuse. It is using physical violence and force to induce fear and thus control another - and that other is a child.

an'ka

Wow. I haven't posted on this site in a very, very long time, but this thread really speaks to me. I grew up in an authoritarian household with high expectations of conformity and physical abuse/mocking, which taught me to be a supremely adept people pleaser. I feared my mom and did my darnest to ensure that I didn't create any ripples. Then, married to a man with active addiction who was not physically abusive but wreaked havoc in my life for at least 5 years. I try to understand why I am afraid of everything, even simple things... why is my mind always so ready to come up with the worst possible outcome for any real or imagined action? I go for a nature walk and imagine being killed by a bear, I buy an airplane ticket and die in a fiery crash, I sit in a group of people and my throat is literally closed up because I am so nervous to speak up. I am an educated person with a successful career in a good relationship with a beautiful daughter--why do I feel like i need to be medicated for constant anxiety? Myabe it's true that our early experiences not only condition the fear response but actually change our brain chemistry. I just feel like it's getting worse as I get older.

an'ka

Oops, posted twice

LaTeeDa

Of course, I do realize this. And I know that this is a part of it for me. My intent wasn't to minimize it, but to say that there is so much more to it than just the physical aspect. I think people assume (and I did) that the PTSD is a direct result of physical violence. What I'm coming to believe is that the physical aspect is relatively minor in relation to the totality of the entire "lifestyle," if you will. At least in my case.

L

lulu1974

Yes..Being abused as I child myself I think I have some symtoms. I did EMDR and that helped very much. The fear is what makes or breaks me every day really. My fear turns into anxiety and anxiety makes me nutty and then I try to protect myself from others and usually that ends up a big fat mess. I can totally relate to this post and feel your pain.

Hugs
Lulu

catlovermi

Here's an interesting twist to this:

In his book, Fear Of Intimacy, by Robert Firestone, he postulates that the things we fear when we are maturing, we develop psychological defenses against.

And when we are "grown up," we then go on to choose mates who have the very characteristics that elicit those same fears, because on a subconscious level we know then we have the correct defenses in place, for this mate.

Food for thought. I've been thinking about what he had to say for several years, now, after having read this book.

CLMI

Kassie2

LTD,

Fear is the trigger.

roxiestone

LaTeeDa,

Just wanted to thank you for starting this thread. I can completely and totally relate. A therapist suggested to me that I might have PTSD and I poo-poo'd it. But upon further reflection, she probably was right. I've got all the symptoms.

On a hopeful note, I am much less "high strung" than I used to be. Meditation, yoga, prayer, recovery worked has helped release me from that constant tension that I thought was part of my personality. Little did I know, it was just an external mechanism that I'd developed.

Again, thanks for the thread. Good insight you've got there.

isurvived

I have some of those fears as well. Some from being married to an A for so many years, but some of them from my childhood.

I had a great childhood for the most part. I realized at about 18 that my father had an issue with alcohol. A real issue. He was a quiet man, never violent, never disrespectful, or mean. However, he did care to spend time in taverns with the other men there. Often, I would go with him on Saturday afternoons, just to be with him. I was all of 7 or 8 years old. We'd go to the hardware store, stop at his work and always ended up stopping at the tavern "for just a minute" he'd say. I'd sit in the car and wait. Often it was hot. I stayed in the car rather than get out and play in the parking lot to jump rope as the other men that would come and go in and out of the tavern looked scary to me. They looked dirty, and unhappy.

Sometimes, I'd sit in the car for hours. Waiting for my dad. My eyes fixed on the tavern door where I last saw him, waiting for him to emerge... like a dog waiting for his master to come out of the grocery store... just sitting in the car waiting.

Sometimes, he'd come out and give me a KitKat candy bar - to keep me happy while I waited, or perhaps to ease his guilt of leaving his young daughter alone in the car for so long...while he sat inside and drank.

When he finally would be done and come out and get into the car — I'd start to feel rather anxious. He was always in a joking mood by then, and would pretend the car was a rocket ship or airplane and with gestures pretend he was talking to the tower asking for clearance to take off. He'd push buttons on the dash, and go faster and faster - until it seemed like we were ACTUALLY going to be airborne! Often it felt out of control to me, and I developed a fear of riding in cars. I still struggle with this. My dad thought it was fun, I was terrified. I don't know if he knew I was afraid. I can't believe he'd do anything to frighten me, but I can remember pleading with him to "slow down daddy"... only to hear him laugh out loud. Perhaps it was a power thing. I never could figure it out as it was not in his character to terrorize anyone.

It carried over into adulthood, and I still struggle with being at ease with other people driving in a car. If I am behind the wheel, I am OK. I have control.

LaTeeDa

You're right. Most of the time I can't even identify what I'm afraid of. I just know I'm afraid. And that fear begets more fear and anxiety, and around and around it goes.......

This is where self-sabotage comes in, too.

L

LaTeeDa

Oh my gosh, I have memories like that, too. Only with me, both my parents were in the bar, because my mom was the good codie who couldn't stomach my dad being out without her, so she would go with him. And it was me and my sister in the car. At least we had each other's company. I remember it felt like we had been forgotten. We were often tired and hungry and still sitting there in the car. Like nobody even cared. What an awful thing to do to a child.

L

Still Waters

So, how do we overcome this?

isurvived

I think remembering and realizing what happened is a good starting point.

Once I was an adult and realized my dad had a problem, I was so disappointed in him - that was a hard realization. He died when I was 30, he was only 64. I never had a chance to tell him about my feelings... so I dreamed about that event - and to this day can recall my dream in great detail. Weird how that is!!! It seemed to be resolved for me after that dream.

However, I do have issues with being in the car and not being in control. It's almost automatic for me to tense up and noticeable enough for the driver to know I am nervous. I usually say "it's not your driving, it's me." Sometimes I share my story, and then they understand.

Working it out is the best. Talking about it with others that understand works wonders!

LaTeeDa

I wish I knew the answer to that. I'm still processing it. For now, I think recognizing it is what I can do. Trying to stay aware and seeing when the fear is in control. My reactions are usually to lash out or retreat (fight or flight). Sometimes I lash out in anger, sometimes it's more passive-agressive. Sometimes I isolate or procrastinate. All I can do right now is try to see these things. And when I do, I can breathe, meditate, come back to the present moment and try to see more clearly.

L