freefalling

Thanks for this. It makes me feel better to know there is a reason that I am still living in fear 2 years after the separation from my husband of 22 years. I have flashbacks also.

I am pleased to know that by the divorce I am minimizing the effects on my children. i work hard on myself not to show the anxiety/insecurities. It is late for the older two (18,17,8), but they are still living with me and they see that I am changing for the better. That is positive?

catlovermi

I think Transformyself is onto something here. She talks of becoming mindful of a trigger, recognizing that it's her inner child reacting, then also recognizing that now she is not only that child, but also the parent figure. Her grown-up self steps in to re-parent the inner child and use grown-up tools to calm and sooth the child. Sort of a visualizing technique, I imagined from her posts.

I guess it's another twist to all the "mental landscape" or "mental roadmap" thinking I've been doing, lately. Make a map to follow, then you have a focal point to help guide and calm you, instead of just having a reaction in the cold, dark emptiness of your scared mind.

I guess it's not unlike what pro athletes are trained to do at world class levels of sport: to visualize what they want, and how they are going to get there - to make it happen first in their mind - and then with their body.

Wonderful thread, LTD. - Has me thinking a lot about things.

CLMI

sesh

It think visualization is a very powerful tool. I do use it often sucesfully in things that are not related to my emotional state (like when studing for the exams, or when I did some acting). But when it comes to the issues of emotional importance and purely relaxing in life itself, I can't do it, as negative thoughts keep pulling me back into this scary pattern of my life. As "reacting in the cold, dark emptiness of my scared mind" is the only real life experience I had so far.
Making the rational "mental roadmap" sounds like a very good place to start. I will try to do that, and than follow through it parenting my inner child, sharing my visualizations with her and hopefull we'll be able to overcome this gap between us, and make it to the other side. It just came to me if I put enough love in caring for my inner child as I do for my own kids, that must be the right way to start healing.

SoloMio

Wow, this reinforces what I always thought about my attraction to my husband. My dad left home (because my mother divorced him because of his alcoholism) when I was 12. I rarely saw him after that and he dropped dead in the Bowery at age 43--when I was 18. My AH's dad also drank himself to death--my AH was 12 at the time, and his dad was 45. I have always felt there must be a hard subconscious pull going on there--we both have fears of abandonment--probably why I've put up with so much cr*p over the years. This relates to the recent Woundology post, which I also think is great insight.

Thanks for this.

Helenlee

Wow LTD ... it feels like you wrote this for me! I'm gobsmacked by how often I'll be really struggling with some issue ... will log on to SRF & bam! ... there it is all laid out for me by someone else struggling with the same thing. It feels too amazing to be coincidence sometimes!

I had just written to my psychologist about this very issue. He's been trying to get me to breath, relax, meditate, do yoga for a year now & I just WON'T. I want to, but I just won't. I couldn't figure out why ... & then I woke up with the answer in the middle of the night. It's because I'm scared stiff! Literally.
When I relax all the fear & anxiety that swirl around me 24/7/365 for the last 46 years rushes right into my soul. It scares the hell out of me.
And the yoga DVD's? I couldn't understand why I found the people presenting them so "other". I mean yeah, they had a variety of different accents, & they had some unfamiliar "jargon," but those are things that often inspire my curiosity rather than repel me. But in this situation — letting go & relaxing, it was way too threatening to do this with a stranger ... even just a virtual stranger!!!
Now I know why I've been pushing my therapist to do this with me ... we've established a fairly tight relationship based on honesty & trust & I feel safe with him. I want him there to protect me so I can let go of the eternal vigilance for a few minutes! Someone to take over the watch so I can rest if you will. It's too ironic that the legacy of my abuse is this intense fear that is now preventing me from implementing the very behaviours I need to adopt to recover from the fear!
After reading this thread last night I became very angry with my parents. I usually take the attitude "they did the best they could with what they had at the time" but last night, it was all about me. How could they have been so wrapped up in their own stupid alcoholic/codependent lives that they forgot about me? all of their kids? I was scared stiff almost all the time. I can relate to every singe post on this thread. How tragic for all of us that we're still paying all these years later.
Thank you for posting this LTD. It's helped enormously

WizeDeb

I cant thank you enough for this post. My family doc thinks my daughter has this. I think Ive always had this to be honest after my childhood or lack of. I am taking her to a psytratis (cant spell it) tomarrow. Did you? What was it like if you dont mind?

Kassie2

LTD

You got it!

Learn your triggers, see them when they come up and learn to deactivate them. It really works when you work at it. You can actually change the biology and create new pathways for reacting.

Have been active at this for most of my adult life. Mother "addict", father died. First husband - physical abuse. Second, alcohol. Sometimes feel like I can't win. But I "know" differently.

I wanted to say that it was gustsy to post your issues. Wanted to say that you are doing a wonderful job with yourself! Your insight is so good for your healing.! and is helping others to find theirs!

Carol Star

Affirmations help....I will get through this with grace and ease.....I am fine in this moment......I remember hard things I have gotten through.....I tell my 5yr. old little me I will take care of her...... prayer......talk to a friend.....try to forgive my alcoholic, abusive father......(he has passed on).....but don't know if he was abused....he knew not what he did......was he in a blackout? Tell myself this too shall pass. Breathe. Walk in nature.

Still Waters

I'm learning to allow myself to feel. Sounds pretty simple and silly, but for so long I repressed it all, it was the only way I could cope and function - and I wasn't functioning well either.

So for now, reassuring myself that it's okay to allow those feelings to wash over me is as far as I've gotten.

Lenina

LTD,

I wanted to thank you for this post. It really spoke to me.

Love,

Lenina

Summerpeach

Well here is an A HA moment for me. This explains my situation.

Just WOW!

MissFixit

My biggest fear is snakes. I dated one. Go figure...

sesh

LOL
this really made me laugh, and think of my biggest fears.
It's earthquakes and sharks (which is quite stupid as seas I go to don't have any sharks in them ever, but still it doesn't stop me from staying in the shallowest waters (knee deep) and never swimming any further).
So, I guess it's earthquakes as I always felt the same about my life, like you have this illusion that everything is fine, but you know at any point in time everything can go so unrepearably wrong. The situation you have no control of.
And sharks I guess because against one I wouldn't stand a chance, and that must be the way I felt with problems in my life, with my AH, and during childhood with AF and NAM and the life situation with them. Just no way out.
WOW
I knew my worst fears for years, but only now for the first time ever I'm able to see the reasons behind them.
Thanks

Stung

Wooooooooowwww….

I literally had this happen to me on Sunday night. My kids were in bed and I was alone thinking about how I was going to force myself to do something that I love first thing on Monday morning and I felt like I was going to have an panic attack and then I couldn't figure out what the hell was wrong with me. Why am I having anxiety about something that I *want* to do? At least I now know that I'm not alone in this.

kudzujean

Your therapist is quite right, in my experience. I've known lots of ACOAs and I've noticed many of them don't remember much about their childhoods.

I think it's because it's too painful to remember.

I also think any time you can't remember much about a certain period of time, it's because there's something "dead up the creek."

kudzujean

And spanking is usually about the parent's anger, not about what the child did or didn't do. It's done because the parent is angry, and because they can.