Never once, have I ....
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Originally Posted by HopesandDreams 
I am sorry. It is so hard to be in love with an alcoholic and even harder to explain to people why you are in love with this person after the way they have treated you. Take care.
It helps me to write down the good and bad, which is what you've done in your post. You're working your recovery in the manner you need to. We all take steps forward and feel like we slide a bit. My counsellor pointed out, and I've come to agree, that even if we feel like we've slid all the way back to square one, we haven't, because we now have all the tools and knowledge that we've acquired that we didn't have when we initially took that first step.
The 7 Stages of Grief information really helped me as well. I don't feel they're linear. We may get to step 5 and something happens where we go back to step 3, etc. It's OK. I think we're able to build on what we have already learned and it may be that our HP now feels we're ready to work that step 'deeper' than we did before.
All that being said, I know I need a push now and then to help me move towards the next step. Take care of yourself.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
tpen-
i understand. you just go ahead and express yourself. perhaps that's part of the attraction of the alcoholic, they take things to the extreme and take risks.
i thought what you wrote was beautiful and honest.
however, as we both know, the reality of living with an alcoholic is anything but fairytales. oh, they can talk the fairytales but in real life, when the rubber hits the road, they take care of themselves and toss us aside in their pursuit of an escape.
i think it's good to go thru all of your feelings, the good and the bad. and obviously, there is some good, or none of us would be sitting here.
however, in real life, i myself would prefer a partner who is emotionally available and working towards common goals.
i don't know. what i'm going thru right now in therapy is how did i learn to accept this as love? and it goes back to a lot of childhood things. things i'd rather forget actually, but i'm going straight into the grotto because i want to get healthy and not repeat this in my next relationship. it's not easy, that's for sure.
anyway, i appreciate you expressing yourself in such a manner and i hope you continue to feel this is a safe place to do so.
naive
i understand. you just go ahead and express yourself. perhaps that's part of the attraction of the alcoholic, they take things to the extreme and take risks.
i thought what you wrote was beautiful and honest.
however, as we both know, the reality of living with an alcoholic is anything but fairytales. oh, they can talk the fairytales but in real life, when the rubber hits the road, they take care of themselves and toss us aside in their pursuit of an escape.
i think it's good to go thru all of your feelings, the good and the bad. and obviously, there is some good, or none of us would be sitting here.
however, in real life, i myself would prefer a partner who is emotionally available and working towards common goals.
i don't know. what i'm going thru right now in therapy is how did i learn to accept this as love? and it goes back to a lot of childhood things. things i'd rather forget actually, but i'm going straight into the grotto because i want to get healthy and not repeat this in my next relationship. it's not easy, that's for sure.
anyway, i appreciate you expressing yourself in such a manner and i hope you continue to feel this is a safe place to do so.
naive
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Why are some of you so intent on telling how/when he should heal?
He doesn't and is not ready to focus on him right now.
I think what you wrote was typical of what any one of us would write down in a private journal.
No one heals at the same pace and the more you talk about it, write about it and feel sad, the more it will leave your system. Purging I call it.
I know some people who are still pinning over an ex a year after the break up because they denied their healing.
Right now you're in pain and like how it takes time to leave an addict (when the pain of staying is worse than leaving), when the pain of thinking and talking about her is too much, your focus will automatically shift to you.
by the way, when you say this "Never once, have I felt so spiritual when dating a woman"I
I believe we meet the people in our lives in order to take the spiritual experience. She and the pain this caused you is forcing you to look at who you are and how you tick. As painful as that is, it's a beautiful thing.
He doesn't and is not ready to focus on him right now.
I think what you wrote was typical of what any one of us would write down in a private journal.
No one heals at the same pace and the more you talk about it, write about it and feel sad, the more it will leave your system. Purging I call it.
I know some people who are still pinning over an ex a year after the break up because they denied their healing.
Right now you're in pain and like how it takes time to leave an addict (when the pain of staying is worse than leaving), when the pain of thinking and talking about her is too much, your focus will automatically shift to you.
by the way, when you say this "Never once, have I felt so spiritual when dating a woman"I
I believe we meet the people in our lives in order to take the spiritual experience. She and the pain this caused you is forcing you to look at who you are and how you tick. As painful as that is, it's a beautiful thing.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
great parallel
Originally Posted by IamSaved
Did you ever see the movie 'Runaway Bride'?
Anyway, EVERY man she was ever engaged to, she ran from. She took on HIS habits, HIS favorite things, HIS identity, and never had one of her own. Richard Gere's character asks her how she likes her eggs, and she says, How do you like YOURS?
She finally comes to the conclusion, at the end, she needs to FIND HERSELF FIRST! She decides what she likes, what she needs, what she wants, and is confident in that choice!
takes one to know one!
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Hi tpen,
You got a lot of information - use it wisely. I just wanted to acknowledge your hurt and sadness as well as a bit of disbelief in what you experienced. It was not normal. But it is normal to feel these emotions when separated from someone you love.
But the only way I know to heal is to go through the emotions and not avoid them. Remember, the grieving process does take us to a place where we are ok again and life goes on.
You got a lot of information - use it wisely. I just wanted to acknowledge your hurt and sadness as well as a bit of disbelief in what you experienced. It was not normal. But it is normal to feel these emotions when separated from someone you love.
But the only way I know to heal is to go through the emotions and not avoid them. Remember, the grieving process does take us to a place where we are ok again and life goes on.
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