Helenlee

I don't know if some of you know or not. My Mother was murdered when I was 16.

Oh Deb. I'm so terribly sorry. This is just huge.
When my baby daughter died 22 years ago I lived next to an older woman who had lost a daughter to suicide a few years before. And then her second daughter was murdered. We supported each other through our darkest hours & the conclusion we came to was that some days the best you can hope for is to keep breathing in & out. Sounds ridiculous I know, but it was true. Sometimes the pain & the fear really is that bad.
You are dealing with so much. Even though your mothers murder was a long time ago, if you haven't healed & integrated it all, it may as well have been yesterday.
I empathize with the difficulty you're experiencing watching your child go through this. I'm the same. I would rather fight a pack of lions with my bare hands than watch my child have a splinter. It's a hard road. I won't offer any advice as there are many people here to support you who are more experienced than me.
I also hear you say daughter is your life line & that if you lose her (if she's admitted) you will fall apart. I know that feeling too. While I had my kids to protect & support I kept going. Now I'm on my own the **** has really hit the fan. Now the spotlight is on me & it's been difficult, to say the least, to find the courage or the will to heal just for myself. And as impossible as it is to accept, sometimes the things we're most terrified of are the path we need to follow to heal. There's no rush though. At this point one baby step at a time is enough.
I just wanted to say I hear you pain & I feel for you very deeply. I hope knowing others care & have survived similar seemingly non-survivable events is of some comfort.