Breakups and why?
today4me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 311
Breakups and why?
Noticed this on another thread and would like feedback please.
I have never experienced so many breakups during a relationship as I did with XAGF. I broke up twice with her due to trust issues, the other times her reasons were: space, depressed, blame, accusations, trust, etc. The breakups were usually 2-4 days and the longest was a month.
Never once did she state she did not love me or was not in love. In other relationships of mine usually that was the statement "I'm not in love anymore, or have loving feelings. Could I receive some feedback on why?
I have never experienced so many breakups during a relationship as I did with XAGF. I broke up twice with her due to trust issues, the other times her reasons were: space, depressed, blame, accusations, trust, etc. The breakups were usually 2-4 days and the longest was a month.
Never once did she state she did not love me or was not in love. In other relationships of mine usually that was the statement "I'm not in love anymore, or have loving feelings. Could I receive some feedback on why?
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Anywhere but here...
Posts: 227
Agreed.
No need to worry about what happened in the past. Read Matthew 6:25,34. Do not worry, tomorrow has enough worries of its own.
Tpen..it is SERIOUSLY time to put this whole debacle to bed, and concentrate on YOU. You will NEVER figure her out. Never get in her head, and never get the answers you seek. If if she did answer, there would be a million more questions to replace the ones you already have.
Chalk it up to a bad experience, take what you learned into your next relationship, and do not repeat the same mistakes. Recognize the red flags, and GET OUT if you see even a GLIMMER of a flag.
I am praying for you, and hope that you will soon stop trying to figure HER out, and work on yourself! The only person you can change..is YOU!
Blessings!
No need to worry about what happened in the past. Read Matthew 6:25,34. Do not worry, tomorrow has enough worries of its own.
Tpen..it is SERIOUSLY time to put this whole debacle to bed, and concentrate on YOU. You will NEVER figure her out. Never get in her head, and never get the answers you seek. If if she did answer, there would be a million more questions to replace the ones you already have.
Chalk it up to a bad experience, take what you learned into your next relationship, and do not repeat the same mistakes. Recognize the red flags, and GET OUT if you see even a GLIMMER of a flag.
I am praying for you, and hope that you will soon stop trying to figure HER out, and work on yourself! The only person you can change..is YOU!
Blessings!
today4me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 311
Ok, two replies with the same intent - I agree. Was strong into the Word last week and did in fact open the Bible every time to focus on stopping the worrying. Just really struggling today and wanted help venting. Thanks for the prompt replies and consider this thread "out of date".
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
"Could I receive some feedback on why?"
Just hoping for some insight as I'm having a rough day.
Here's some insight on how I deal with rough days: I do not focusing on things I cannot control or change because it is a futile waste of time and it usually makes me feel worse and I can get stuck in a self-pity party. Instead, I quickly move into action mode where I focus on me and my choices and what I can do to eliminate rough days in the future.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Anywhere but here...
Posts: 227
tpen,
I really do feel your pain, and I am so sorry you are having a rough day.
I had a rough week, my birthday was last Monday. I thought MAYBE he would call, and apologize. But he didn't. WHY? He's an alcoholic, being an alcoholic, living his alcoholic life.
I surrounded myself with friends and the GOOD BOOK! HE will never fail you tpen. Ever! Stop trying to fill your emptiness with everything except God. It never works. Please know I am praying for you, that you will rise up and stop worrying about someone you have no control over. Easier said than done, I know! But it's a lot less painful than wondering why, why, why, why all the time.
I really do feel your pain, and I am so sorry you are having a rough day.
I had a rough week, my birthday was last Monday. I thought MAYBE he would call, and apologize. But he didn't. WHY? He's an alcoholic, being an alcoholic, living his alcoholic life.
I surrounded myself with friends and the GOOD BOOK! HE will never fail you tpen. Ever! Stop trying to fill your emptiness with everything except God. It never works. Please know I am praying for you, that you will rise up and stop worrying about someone you have no control over. Easier said than done, I know! But it's a lot less painful than wondering why, why, why, why all the time.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 394
tpen - you mentioned you want to stop worrying. I'm curious - what types of things cloud your mind with worry these days? I just want to grasp where you are at. I too worry - namely about what bs my ex A is going to cause to make me lose my serenity and piece of mind. What types of things she will say about me, lies etc. to take the focus off her. Just curious, what are you worrying about? I think I'm worried that mine will come back, and you are worried that yours won't.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
tpen, do you feel like you're getting what you deserve from this woman? Do you want to be ignored? Does it feel fulfilling to you in any way? I know for me when I keep looking for love in all the wrong places then it's probably about my earliest lessons about how "love" looks: empty words from emotionally unavailable or limited people.
You broke up with her to try to get her to love you, right? That's manipulative. I know, because I've been manipulative, too, and when I don't have an outside target I sometimes use those maladaptive coping mechanisms on myself. It hurts a lot when I focus on missing my exA, and sometimes it's a seductive option but it's never good for me. When I'm dwelling on something that hurts me (mySpace, FB, memories, songs on the radio, wondering if I'm going to run into the married person and their spouse, etc.) I say to myself or out loud: "HP, help me."
I always feel better after that--simple and effective.
Hugs, tpen. I pray that you do some healthy grieving and move on. May I suggest you start by getting to know yourself regarding why you feel the urge to repeatedly hurt yourself this way? We all know you deserve better...do you?
posie
You broke up with her to try to get her to love you, right? That's manipulative. I know, because I've been manipulative, too, and when I don't have an outside target I sometimes use those maladaptive coping mechanisms on myself. It hurts a lot when I focus on missing my exA, and sometimes it's a seductive option but it's never good for me. When I'm dwelling on something that hurts me (mySpace, FB, memories, songs on the radio, wondering if I'm going to run into the married person and their spouse, etc.) I say to myself or out loud: "HP, help me."
I always feel better after that--simple and effective.
Hugs, tpen. I pray that you do some healthy grieving and move on. May I suggest you start by getting to know yourself regarding why you feel the urge to repeatedly hurt yourself this way? We all know you deserve better...do you?
posie
today4me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 311
Originally Posted by Duped 
tpen - you mentioned you want to stop worrying. I'm curious - what types of things cloud your mind with worry these days?
Hope your doing ok Duped. Be strong, patient and ask for guidance. It works!
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 685
tpen,
Maybe I will get blasted for going ahead and opening that wound. I won't begin to try and explain why, because I will never know.
However, I can and do know exactly what you feel. In the last 15 months, my boyfriend and I had to of broken up at least 20 times. Usually 2-3 days, and the longest being a month and half. I broke up with him twice. Once for his pill abuse.. and once because of his alcoholism. I always went back. He broke up with me because, "I was driving him crazy, or I wasn't strong enough". He went into rages, broke up with me, went on a drinking binge, came down, missed me, called me, I forgave.
Repeat.
Every single time. I suspect he's bi-polar, but I suppose that is besides the point. All I can say, is we break up frequently. I cry like a baby everytime, knowing full well, we'll get back together. Might I add, the last break up, I initiated. It was the one lasting nearly two months. I caved in, with his empty promises.. only to be broken tonight.
All I can tell you, it's a torturous life. I would not wish it upon anyone. I'm not sure how much I can even endure. So, stay here, learn about yourself, listen to the wise advice of others, focus on your worth.. and take it from there.
Maybe I will get blasted for going ahead and opening that wound. I won't begin to try and explain why, because I will never know.
However, I can and do know exactly what you feel. In the last 15 months, my boyfriend and I had to of broken up at least 20 times. Usually 2-3 days, and the longest being a month and half. I broke up with him twice. Once for his pill abuse.. and once because of his alcoholism. I always went back. He broke up with me because, "I was driving him crazy, or I wasn't strong enough". He went into rages, broke up with me, went on a drinking binge, came down, missed me, called me, I forgave.
Repeat.
Every single time. I suspect he's bi-polar, but I suppose that is besides the point. All I can say, is we break up frequently. I cry like a baby everytime, knowing full well, we'll get back together. Might I add, the last break up, I initiated. It was the one lasting nearly two months. I caved in, with his empty promises.. only to be broken tonight.
All I can tell you, it's a torturous life. I would not wish it upon anyone. I'm not sure how much I can even endure. So, stay here, learn about yourself, listen to the wise advice of others, focus on your worth.. and take it from there.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
I find when I am loving, reading about loving things, I miss the person, When I think in REAL terms, I get angry and anger has always propelled me to move on. Mourn and move on
It took me 4 months of serious mourning to get over a 15 yr marriage and 1 solid year to be complete and happy.
I could not have done that with joy, happiness, forgivness and love for the other person.
Once times passes, I felt all those things and have forgiven these men and wish them the best.
Mourning a death has no rules, no time frame, no "how to's", it's normal to obsesses over an ex once they are gone. Resist and it persists, Let your thoughts just flow, let them pass and get really angry.
I was able to only focus on me after 4-5 months. Be gentle with yourself. It takes time
As for why people keep breaking up, simple, two people want to be heard and two people are not listening.
It took me 4 months of serious mourning to get over a 15 yr marriage and 1 solid year to be complete and happy.
I could not have done that with joy, happiness, forgivness and love for the other person.
Once times passes, I felt all those things and have forgiven these men and wish them the best.
Mourning a death has no rules, no time frame, no "how to's", it's normal to obsesses over an ex once they are gone. Resist and it persists, Let your thoughts just flow, let them pass and get really angry.
I was able to only focus on me after 4-5 months. Be gentle with yourself. It takes time
As for why people keep breaking up, simple, two people want to be heard and two people are not listening.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Just to add, when my ex and I broke up after a long relationship, I went to therapy 2 weeks after the break-up. I was simply in hell.
The therapist said to me "get home, cook yourself a nice dinner, call a friend, read a book, take a bath and think about how your life will be now"
I was in shock. Would you tell someone who just lost a spouse to death to take a bath and read a book and cook dinner.
Ending a relationship is much like death and in many cases, the sadness even greater. When someone dies, there has often been completion and understanding that doesn't occur when both people are alive.
My heart is broken, I cannot eat, or sleep, there was a death of love in my life and I cannot take a god damn bath and read a book.
Take your time to mourn and keep talking it out. It does pass
The therapist said to me "get home, cook yourself a nice dinner, call a friend, read a book, take a bath and think about how your life will be now"
I was in shock. Would you tell someone who just lost a spouse to death to take a bath and read a book and cook dinner.
Ending a relationship is much like death and in many cases, the sadness even greater. When someone dies, there has often been completion and understanding that doesn't occur when both people are alive.
My heart is broken, I cannot eat, or sleep, there was a death of love in my life and I cannot take a god damn bath and read a book.
Take your time to mourn and keep talking it out. It does pass
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