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MissFixit 05-17-2010 05:26 AM

Revelations!
 
Hi,

This morning I woke up thinking about a guy I dated a long time ago who goes through dramatic events frequently. This got me thinking about the other men who are like that inlcuding my exA. My feelings about the former relationship are very accepting. Nothing harsh or resentful. It was what it was. Then, I thought why the hell can't I have that same peace about the exA relationship? I am getting there, but why is it taking so long?

(Lightbulb!) The exA cheated on me and I was the one who felt sleazy. The exA lied and I felt dishonest and embarrassed. The exA did and said bizarre things and I felt crazy. WTF? Why do I feeling emotions based on HIS behavior? I did not have that same dynamic with the former guy. Okay, this is a revelation to me out of the blue.

sesh 05-17-2010 05:57 AM

I think it maybe has something to do with expectations too.
I never had same expectations from my former boyfrieds as I did from my AH. Or maybe I did at some point but than grew out of it, and it finished kind of naturally (at least for me). But with AH I had such a hight expectations of what our life should be and felt it's only his drinking that stands in a way. And it felt like that's the only obstacle to our happiness. Giving up those expectations and accepting his alcoholism not only as an obstacle to our happiness, but the thing that makes him the person he is today is very hard for me, and I find it to be the main reason I'm not at peace with it.
And yes, the stuff you mentioned too :)

NYC_Chick 05-17-2010 08:27 AM

Perfect thought for the day! I recently had a weird flash of anger about how I felt when xabf did all he did. Spoke to therapist about this. She thinks it's residual shame for having stayed so long and allowed it. This too shall pass!

TakingCharge999 05-17-2010 02:31 PM

Oh I get it.

Miss, NYC Chick, thanks for sharing, I identify with you and it helps to know I'm not alone with those residual feelings or memories that come totally out of the blue.

Perhaps you had similar interactions but they were not that destructive yet? like alkies progression... once they were able to have one glass... then 2 bottles are not enough.

Well, perhaps its more clear to me because I can vividly recall moments when I let myself be a doormat or be at others whim, so memories with last X which are bad enough, are made horrible because they are like the realization of things with X AND ALL THE BAD THINGS before that I accepted or allowed. Ughhhh.

I also think of other Xs and find forgiveness, or look at their pics with other girlfriends or wives or whatever and I feel nothing. I look FWD to achieving the same peace with F. I also believe its TOO SLOW but my process downward took at least a decade, why would my getting out of madness take a couple of years?

On that note yesterday I heard something about the theory of war... they said something about first being on defensive, and once one is recovered, THEN you can take the offensive. I was thinking I have been stuck in defensive/recovering but perhaps I should go for more and take the OFFENSIVE? go for peace , whatever it takes???

MissFixit 05-17-2010 03:34 PM

Why would we feel shame for staying in a bad situation? Is it embarrassment for having low self esteem?

I am relieved to realize that I have had good feelings about an ex. I am not this crazy bitter thing that worries me.

NYC_Chick 05-17-2010 08:02 PM

I felt shame because it was the very last thing people expected of me. I grew up with an alcoholic father. We grew up pretty poor, with just my mother and a very small income. I worked hard and went to beauty school. From there, I bought a house and put myself through college, then moved here and went to law school. I was very independent and just essentially moved through life with goals, accomplishing all of them. The problem was, when I was doing all of that, I was completely needless. So, I swung the other way. I still put on the show that I was strong and independent, but inside, I was completely hooked on my xabf to the point of forgetting I existed. I would tell people about some of the emotional abuse and everyone would say they were surprised I stayed. I was a fraud, so to speak, so I came to be ashamed of myself for not only accepting his horrible treatment, but for being a living, breathing lie of a person. I hadn't been angry about anything that he did in months, so this was out of the blue. Now it is what it is.

I do know that I will never feel shame for anything that happens in my relationships again. I am human and imperfect. So is the other person. What someone else does is no reflection of me. I am going through some difficulty with the new guy right now. I think before when I was having problems with xabf, I would worry about what people thought if I ended it, like I was some failure for doing that. It was so illogical, but made perfect sense at the time. I don't know what will happen at this point with the new guy. I only know that no matter what it is, I will be okay and it's all just part of my process.

TakingCharge999 05-18-2010 03:09 AM

Yes shame for Not Standing up for myself when I needed to protect myself. Shame for treating myself so poorly and not caring at all :( just writing this makes me heavy hearted and makes me want to cry.

I'm so glad those days are over.

NYC chick that dettachment rules. I feel so much better when I remember I owe explanations to no one. :)

sailorjohn 05-18-2010 03:25 AM


Originally Posted by MissFixit (Post 2600450)
Hi,
(Lightbulb!) The exA cheated on me and I was the one who felt sleazy. The exA lied and I felt dishonest and embarrassed. The exA did and said bizarre things and I felt crazy. WTF? Why do I feeling emotions based on HIS behavior? I did not have that same dynamic with the former guy. Okay, this is a revelation to me out of the blue.


What I've read, and I'm not sure exactly how it works, a symptom of lack of boundaries, resulting in over-enmeshment with the other.

Someone else can help me out here, don't have any of these books with me!

MissFixit 05-18-2010 04:44 AM

NYC and TC,

Shame can be horrible. Very limiting. I felt that too and guess I tried to hide it. Overcompensated by for my lack of control and frustration.

Hi Sailor,

Nice to hear from you. Enmenshment is probably right. I hate to admit that.


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