Having a difficult time forgiving
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1
Having a difficult time forgiving
I'm new to this forum. Found it searching for answers today to all these questions in my mind.
My husband is in recovery and has been for the last year. I am very proud of him for his accomplishments and choosing life instead of using. On the flip side of that, I am still very angry about all the damage caused in our life due to his addictions. I used to believe that I would overcome anything as long as we were together, but now I feel like I am only hurting myself. This is the man I married and vowed to stand beside, but I am not the same person anymore.
I feel guilty for what I feel, but I am not sure if I can love him the way he deserves to be loved, nor can I love myself if I just pretend that everything is great because he is not using. Truth is, I don't trust him. Every argument we have, I dig up his past and throw it in his face. That is not fair to him.
I don't know what I'm looking for here, but would love to hear other's stories of how they managed to get through it or when enough was enough to say it wasn't worth the pain.
Thank you.
My husband is in recovery and has been for the last year. I am very proud of him for his accomplishments and choosing life instead of using. On the flip side of that, I am still very angry about all the damage caused in our life due to his addictions. I used to believe that I would overcome anything as long as we were together, but now I feel like I am only hurting myself. This is the man I married and vowed to stand beside, but I am not the same person anymore.
I feel guilty for what I feel, but I am not sure if I can love him the way he deserves to be loved, nor can I love myself if I just pretend that everything is great because he is not using. Truth is, I don't trust him. Every argument we have, I dig up his past and throw it in his face. That is not fair to him.
I don't know what I'm looking for here, but would love to hear other's stories of how they managed to get through it or when enough was enough to say it wasn't worth the pain.
Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Hi and welcome,
Part one is to get informed as much as possible about the disease.
Part two is get informed as much as possible about what the family goes through and how to deal with it. Attend alanon, talking to members, and read the stickies at the top of the forums and post questions here. Get support outside the relationship.
I will say that the more I learn the easier it is to forgive and have compassion. How that affects choices and emotions is different for everyone. I learned a lot by reading and going to alanon. I saw both the compassionate side and the resentment side. I made a choice that I am comfortable with as most people do.
You may also want to look up on line availability of Lois Wilson's Story by Hallmark which was recently aired.
I will say that this is the most challenging part of recovery for both.
Part one is to get informed as much as possible about the disease.
Part two is get informed as much as possible about what the family goes through and how to deal with it. Attend alanon, talking to members, and read the stickies at the top of the forums and post questions here. Get support outside the relationship.
I will say that the more I learn the easier it is to forgive and have compassion. How that affects choices and emotions is different for everyone. I learned a lot by reading and going to alanon. I saw both the compassionate side and the resentment side. I made a choice that I am comfortable with as most people do.
You may also want to look up on line availability of Lois Wilson's Story by Hallmark which was recently aired.
I will say that this is the most challenging part of recovery for both.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: VA
Posts: 85
MsInformed - You're not alone, and I feel the same way. My AH isn't really drinking right now - but I believe its less about him doing it by choice and more about him not having the means to drink. For a while I kept holding out hopes that this time maybe will the time when he finally stays sober for good. But, even if he does, I'm not sure I'll ever forgive him for all the hurt he's caused. I might have forgiven him six-twelve months ago, but now it seems the more time away the less inclined I am to put myself out there again and the less likely I am to forgive him. I did try to learn everything I could about it, read things, talked to counselors and doctors, and even bought a few books. But, what I kept coming back to was that he kept making the choice to drink and the choice not to get help. Now - I'm just done. Too much for too long - its his problem, not mine.
I'm actually finding that with more time apart, I thought I'd miss him more (even though he still lives in the house we don't do anything together and sleep in separate rooms) - I don't. I am just now starting to get over the anger, now the way I feel is essentially apathy. Maybe I'll forgive him one day - but whether I can forgive him enough to ever try to make a go at relationship with him, I really don't think so and it will take a lot of effort on his part.
I'm actually finding that with more time apart, I thought I'd miss him more (even though he still lives in the house we don't do anything together and sleep in separate rooms) - I don't. I am just now starting to get over the anger, now the way I feel is essentially apathy. Maybe I'll forgive him one day - but whether I can forgive him enough to ever try to make a go at relationship with him, I really don't think so and it will take a lot of effort on his part.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi MsInformed.
1 to 1 psychotherapy has helped me.
I think its natural and normal to feel so hurt after so much.
I forgive more easily when I own my role in the play... know that the other person was hurting, drinking, perhaps lying... but I was there shutting up and driving him home, in general, accepting unacceptable behavior.
I hope you and everybody in SR including me, can work our way out of the poison of resentment. It can be done. :ghug3
1 to 1 psychotherapy has helped me.
I think its natural and normal to feel so hurt after so much.
I forgive more easily when I own my role in the play... know that the other person was hurting, drinking, perhaps lying... but I was there shutting up and driving him home, in general, accepting unacceptable behavior.
I hope you and everybody in SR including me, can work our way out of the poison of resentment. It can be done. :ghug3
Persevere, Never give up!
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Stellenbosch, South Africa
Posts: 882
I am in the same boat, only my AH is not in recovery he is drinking in secret, although I do know and did confront him, he told me he would stop, he never did, but also this is the second time around for me, he was on the wagon for 7 years, it is very hard to see the people we love do this to us. But JESUS said we have to love one another. I hope the below will help you.
The more we trust JESUS the more we experience the relief and refreshment of the comfort and strength HE offers.
In order to triumph we must put our HOPE in JESUS. At the heart of all exceptional relationships are 3 universal principles: mutual respect, moral responsibility and authenticity.
The greater and more steadfast your trust in GOD, the more abundantly HE will grant you self confidence John Dewey Trust HIM steadfastly leaving the matter in HIS hands.
In HIS own perfect time and way HE will show you the way. When the Master does that, you need to move obediently and gratefully. Peace is the direct result of trust.
The more we trust JESUS the more we experience the relief and refreshment of the comfort and strength HE offers.
In order to triumph we must put our HOPE in JESUS. At the heart of all exceptional relationships are 3 universal principles: mutual respect, moral responsibility and authenticity.
The greater and more steadfast your trust in GOD, the more abundantly HE will grant you self confidence John Dewey Trust HIM steadfastly leaving the matter in HIS hands.
In HIS own perfect time and way HE will show you the way. When the Master does that, you need to move obediently and gratefully. Peace is the direct result of trust.
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