Please Help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1
Please Help
Hello my name is Nicola and I love an alcoholic. Here is my story. In November 2007 I met this charming guy- after a few weeks we fell in love.We made love on the 4th date and I had never felt that way with anyone.There was such a strong attraction and I felt he was the one and he felt the same way too.It was amazing.Our weekends were spent going out, drinking and hours in bed.We were only together 4 months.He had asked me to marry him and I said yes.
Then one day (after I lent him money) he disappeared and so did my jewellery.In the month that followed I found out he was an alcoholic.A liar.I was so distraught.one call to say sorry 10 days later and I changed my number.
7 months later- a knock at the dr-him , sorry with a pawn ticket for the jewellery.After hours of talking we made love.The month later I found out I was pregnant from that night.We decided to try and make it work but his drinking was crazy.We were only together 2 weeks and he tried to stop drinking but no AA .I ended it.Gone was the charming guy now there was a crazy guy-shouting, banging at the door, police coming.I kept saying stop drinking.So from January 09 till this January I saw him a few times.He moved town and then country and whilst there got sober.2 1/2 months sober before I saw him this January for the first time in 5 months.We were very intimate on the phone saying how much he couldn't wait to hold me and make love to me and see his daughter.
He has now been back in the town 3 1/2 months.I said we should take things slow and not be intimate till we had got to know one another again.He didn't want to wait long as he said we had waited long enough.He goes to AA 11 times a week and I am so proud of the progress he has made and he is getting to know our girl and looks after her 1 1/2 days a week.He is being responsible, paying bills, not lying etc. I stay with him one maybe 2 nights a week at the weekend when my 2 young sons are with their dad.I had visions of us being intimate and being in love -nothing could be further away from that.
In the last 13 weeks he has put me through emotional hell.The last twice he hurt me were nothing compared to this.
He is all over me when we are out and back in the house not.
Phones me up and pleads with me can he come over and be intimate and I get dressed up and he ignores me.
Starts something then stops and watches Tv.
Criticises technique.Is all over me when I'm about to leave.
Can't make love to me bar twice can only handle quick sex.
If I go out for the eve -rare- he wants me cos I'm going out but If I'd have stayed in he'd have ignored me.
I listen to all his stuff and he cannot take on any of my stuff as what he's dealing with takes up all his energy and he finds it very very difficult to listen and will watch tv.
Sits there every Friday night and makes excuses why he's tired (code for not fancy me).
Said i'm sex mad and made me feel dirty.He says he can go without sex he's not bothered.I want the intimacy of making love not just sex. I feel a massive gap.
He said he didn't realise he was doing all these things.
We're not romantic.He does kiss me which is lovely.
He can't hold me in his arms.No more intimate phone calls.
On a sat morn when our girl is playing/asleep he wants me for 10 mins which I find insulting when I've been there all evening and night that I deserve 10 mins of his time.
He thinks I'm weak if I get upset.
I confided in him about something major and he didn't know what to say.
Also I find the situation on an eve boring compared to before.Put our baby to bed and watch Tv all eve and go bed at a certain hour as he doesn't like to stay up as he's emotionally drained and has to keep to a strict routine.
I feel so lonely, rejected and bereft and I can't sleep I toss and turn and annoy him. and I've said to him several times I really can't handle staying in the same bed.When we go to bed I feel so sad and lonely as he doesn't speak to me or reach out for me.Its like I've gone from my honeymoon to 20 years married in a blink and we have only been together a few months.
I'm willing to wait for him and be platonic for as long as it takes but I can not handle half an intimate relationship and staying the night.
I dread it all week , feel sad when I'm there and angry and depressed when I leave.He says he loves me and i love him but find it hard to say as time goes on.
I said to him we should be platonic and no kissing and he agreed to no sex but the no kissing annoyed him so we still kiss.And he still tries his luck on a sat morn and I stop him as its easier on my emotions if I say no to the physical so I know where I am.I couldn't handle his on /off to me so if i say no to that side I know where I am and am not going to be disappointed.
He says what would I do if we were married-walk out on him and I have to compare his alcoholism to an illness and I wouldn't leave then.And what are we going to do if we have bigger problems am I going to walk away.He says the person I knew before is dead and I have to grieve for that person and he is a different person now and changing daily - which I can see.He says if I don't stay its over forever between us/he won't forget it.
So as I see it he has it all his own way -me staying, I listen, we kiss, he likes me to stroke his face and if i let him -sex for 10 mins when he fancies.
He can't be there for me socially as he's not ready to go out, financially(his time is mainly spent at AA), emotionally-he can't be there for me.Intimately out totally.He's a good dad.
My self-esteem has hit rock bottom in just 13 weeks.I feel that he is emotionally blackmailing me to stay.
I find the way to cope whilst at his is to keep myself distant and sometimes he says whats wrong so I tell him -rejected etc -he says give him time and we argue.If I look sad he's annoyed the only way I can hide how I feel is by being distant.We have had the same row over and over and there is nothing more to say.
I can give him time if I'm not staying.By staying at his I think it is making things worse and when he is better how do we go from the situation we have got to one which we both want.I feel like we have crossed a line and we will never be able to go back over it.
Its not wrong to want love ,passion and romance is it?
If this continues what will we have left- i feel i will be too bitter and resentful. Or if i do get used to the situation then after so long maybe i won't care enough about him to care.
He was drinking 24 yrs 14-38 years old.
Every weekend I think I'll handle it by using a different coping method(alcohol, sleeping tablets, go out, indifferent) but I always end up an emotional wreck, my emotions in tatters and it isn't fair on the kids.
I t doesn't matter how many times he says give it time or I think he can't help it as he's ill I still feel the same pain.I have tried to cope but I can't. Maybe other people could but I cannot.I am feeling depressed, mentally incapable and lots of other negative emotions and feel like i'm going to breakdown.
I've spent 2 years dreaming about this guy and what we had and now its gone and I feel a fool as i never knew he was an alcoholic and also a lot of what he felt for me was drink fuelled , though he says he never lied about the way he felt.
Where do we go from here.We've talked about it and both have different opinions.
Then one day (after I lent him money) he disappeared and so did my jewellery.In the month that followed I found out he was an alcoholic.A liar.I was so distraught.one call to say sorry 10 days later and I changed my number.
7 months later- a knock at the dr-him , sorry with a pawn ticket for the jewellery.After hours of talking we made love.The month later I found out I was pregnant from that night.We decided to try and make it work but his drinking was crazy.We were only together 2 weeks and he tried to stop drinking but no AA .I ended it.Gone was the charming guy now there was a crazy guy-shouting, banging at the door, police coming.I kept saying stop drinking.So from January 09 till this January I saw him a few times.He moved town and then country and whilst there got sober.2 1/2 months sober before I saw him this January for the first time in 5 months.We were very intimate on the phone saying how much he couldn't wait to hold me and make love to me and see his daughter.
He has now been back in the town 3 1/2 months.I said we should take things slow and not be intimate till we had got to know one another again.He didn't want to wait long as he said we had waited long enough.He goes to AA 11 times a week and I am so proud of the progress he has made and he is getting to know our girl and looks after her 1 1/2 days a week.He is being responsible, paying bills, not lying etc. I stay with him one maybe 2 nights a week at the weekend when my 2 young sons are with their dad.I had visions of us being intimate and being in love -nothing could be further away from that.
In the last 13 weeks he has put me through emotional hell.The last twice he hurt me were nothing compared to this.
He is all over me when we are out and back in the house not.
Phones me up and pleads with me can he come over and be intimate and I get dressed up and he ignores me.
Starts something then stops and watches Tv.
Criticises technique.Is all over me when I'm about to leave.
Can't make love to me bar twice can only handle quick sex.
If I go out for the eve -rare- he wants me cos I'm going out but If I'd have stayed in he'd have ignored me.
I listen to all his stuff and he cannot take on any of my stuff as what he's dealing with takes up all his energy and he finds it very very difficult to listen and will watch tv.
Sits there every Friday night and makes excuses why he's tired (code for not fancy me).
Said i'm sex mad and made me feel dirty.He says he can go without sex he's not bothered.I want the intimacy of making love not just sex. I feel a massive gap.
He said he didn't realise he was doing all these things.
We're not romantic.He does kiss me which is lovely.
He can't hold me in his arms.No more intimate phone calls.
On a sat morn when our girl is playing/asleep he wants me for 10 mins which I find insulting when I've been there all evening and night that I deserve 10 mins of his time.
He thinks I'm weak if I get upset.
I confided in him about something major and he didn't know what to say.
Also I find the situation on an eve boring compared to before.Put our baby to bed and watch Tv all eve and go bed at a certain hour as he doesn't like to stay up as he's emotionally drained and has to keep to a strict routine.
I feel so lonely, rejected and bereft and I can't sleep I toss and turn and annoy him. and I've said to him several times I really can't handle staying in the same bed.When we go to bed I feel so sad and lonely as he doesn't speak to me or reach out for me.Its like I've gone from my honeymoon to 20 years married in a blink and we have only been together a few months.
I'm willing to wait for him and be platonic for as long as it takes but I can not handle half an intimate relationship and staying the night.
I dread it all week , feel sad when I'm there and angry and depressed when I leave.He says he loves me and i love him but find it hard to say as time goes on.
I said to him we should be platonic and no kissing and he agreed to no sex but the no kissing annoyed him so we still kiss.And he still tries his luck on a sat morn and I stop him as its easier on my emotions if I say no to the physical so I know where I am.I couldn't handle his on /off to me so if i say no to that side I know where I am and am not going to be disappointed.
He says what would I do if we were married-walk out on him and I have to compare his alcoholism to an illness and I wouldn't leave then.And what are we going to do if we have bigger problems am I going to walk away.He says the person I knew before is dead and I have to grieve for that person and he is a different person now and changing daily - which I can see.He says if I don't stay its over forever between us/he won't forget it.
So as I see it he has it all his own way -me staying, I listen, we kiss, he likes me to stroke his face and if i let him -sex for 10 mins when he fancies.
He can't be there for me socially as he's not ready to go out, financially(his time is mainly spent at AA), emotionally-he can't be there for me.Intimately out totally.He's a good dad.
My self-esteem has hit rock bottom in just 13 weeks.I feel that he is emotionally blackmailing me to stay.
I find the way to cope whilst at his is to keep myself distant and sometimes he says whats wrong so I tell him -rejected etc -he says give him time and we argue.If I look sad he's annoyed the only way I can hide how I feel is by being distant.We have had the same row over and over and there is nothing more to say.
I can give him time if I'm not staying.By staying at his I think it is making things worse and when he is better how do we go from the situation we have got to one which we both want.I feel like we have crossed a line and we will never be able to go back over it.
Its not wrong to want love ,passion and romance is it?
If this continues what will we have left- i feel i will be too bitter and resentful. Or if i do get used to the situation then after so long maybe i won't care enough about him to care.
He was drinking 24 yrs 14-38 years old.
Every weekend I think I'll handle it by using a different coping method(alcohol, sleeping tablets, go out, indifferent) but I always end up an emotional wreck, my emotions in tatters and it isn't fair on the kids.
I t doesn't matter how many times he says give it time or I think he can't help it as he's ill I still feel the same pain.I have tried to cope but I can't. Maybe other people could but I cannot.I am feeling depressed, mentally incapable and lots of other negative emotions and feel like i'm going to breakdown.
I've spent 2 years dreaming about this guy and what we had and now its gone and I feel a fool as i never knew he was an alcoholic and also a lot of what he felt for me was drink fuelled , though he says he never lied about the way he felt.
Where do we go from here.We've talked about it and both have different opinions.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the Sober Recovery family!
You will find lots of information and support here. Some of our stories are posted in the permanent (sticky) posts at the top of this forum. We have experienced life with alcoholics.
I found that I needed to learn about alcoholism, then I needed to learn about how I had been reacting to alcoholism, then I needed to learn how to begin my own recovery. Alanon, SR and self-help books have been my resources for recovery.
In reading your post about your relationship, it appears you want different things from your relationship. You want intimacy, sharing and passion. Your partner wants friendship and companionship. Your expectations are leading to frustrations and resentments.
We can't fix your Recovering Alcoholic (RA). We can offer support to you as you work on becoming a more complete, serene YOU.
Keep reading and posting.
You will find lots of information and support here. Some of our stories are posted in the permanent (sticky) posts at the top of this forum. We have experienced life with alcoholics.
I found that I needed to learn about alcoholism, then I needed to learn about how I had been reacting to alcoholism, then I needed to learn how to begin my own recovery. Alanon, SR and self-help books have been my resources for recovery.
In reading your post about your relationship, it appears you want different things from your relationship. You want intimacy, sharing and passion. Your partner wants friendship and companionship. Your expectations are leading to frustrations and resentments.
We can't fix your Recovering Alcoholic (RA). We can offer support to you as you work on becoming a more complete, serene YOU.
Keep reading and posting.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
It sounds like a confusing situation and a bit chaotic. What would help to calm the emotions for you? What do you think is best next step for you and your child?
Follow up on what Pelican said - read, get support and apply.
There is no quick fix only learning and making tough decisions based on that learning. Try not to focus on the long haul, just for today.
Follow up on what Pelican said - read, get support and apply.
There is no quick fix only learning and making tough decisions based on that learning. Try not to focus on the long haul, just for today.
Inhale, Exhale, Repeat
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: TX
Posts: 59
You can't change him. You can only change you and your reactions to him. That is what a lot of us are trying to work on here. It seems like he feels like his recovery comes first right now and that you are not his priority. That is the thing about loving alcoholics, whether drinking or sober, you don't ever really get to come first. So, YOU have to put YOU first. Follow all of the advice above and you will start to gain more clarity on the situation. No one deserves "emotional hell," and kids don't want to see their mom suffer either.
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