lulu1974

yeap..I went through my dating history. Each person I dated long term was emotionally unavailable and a liar. And I realized the effect that had on me as I moved onto the next relationship. I became needier by the year. And I always tried to see if they were lieing. And it made me crazier and crazier.
Although my AH was the first A I dated, he fooled me the best. I thought he was the most honest loyal man I ever met although distant. Guess I should have opened my eyes to the distant part.
Is it common for people who are distant to be liars?
I am going to find myself another sponsor who can help me kick my butt into gear. The time is now.

lulu1974

I actually laughed at myself thinking how I would try to explain how I was feeling to these people. A) they didnt really care and B) they knew me better than I knew myself so I could talk all I want but they knew my weaknesses and strong points. I was so busy paying attention to them to give ME what I needed, I didnt bother with figuring myself out. Nice. It was an AHA moment. I so need a new sponsor..

Kittyboo

Omg lulu....are you me?

lulu1974

I have read your story and we are living very similiar lives with our AHs. I dont eve know how that happens..You deserve a big HUG..

Kittyboo

You too! Well mine has come to an end.

But I can't believe how 100% accurate your history is compared to my experience and the types of men I have chosen and the result of it.

We deserve a trip to Paris!!! We all do

Summerpeach

I've always been with men who are sneaky, having said that, I think MOST men are sneaky. It's their wiring.

But here's the thing, when I met this current BF, he was the MOST open and honest guy I ever met. What a difference from the guy before him who was seriously a pathalogical liar.
My BS meter was top notch. I could tell a BS'er from a mile away. And it never went off with this guy. Always a stand up, honest man.
He told me everything, and hid nothing. But we were only friends when he was honest with me. It's when the emotions and love and relationship came in to play is when he started to lie and get sneaky.
Funny huh?!

Iwanttoheal

Congratulations, for identifying your pattern and working towards changing it .


Just wanted to share my experience on this one.

My AF who was a very emotionally distant man was a covert liar. My emotionally needy mother is an outright pathological liar.

I got lucky, I never married an alcoholic but instead I repeated the pattern by marrying a man with Aspergers - he was also emotionally distant and therefore ticked all the right boxes for me. Together, we have a son who is more highly autistic than his father.

The difference with my dh and ds is that the emotional distance is due to not knowing or fully understanding body language, tone of voice, underlying meanings in conversations and so on. I have had to learn that social interaction is a very confusing world to an Aspie.

Both my Aspies are beautiful people who can be very, very emotionally distant at times but are also very loving in their own unique ways.

Are they liars - absolutely not, completely the opposite - they are brutally honest, they dish out the unpalatable, unvarnished truth and hit you square between the eyes with it They call me on my sh*t all the time and they have never heard of 12-step programmes lol.

People are very complicated creatures aren't they - would I swap my two often emotionally unavailable men - h*ll no, I might end up with two emotionally available liars. Relationships sure ain't easy.

Good luck on finding a new sponsor.
Hugs, IWTHxxx

Freedom1990

I think we're sisters in a parallel universe, Lulu. That was my pattern too.

It's wonderful to read as you progress in your recovery. :ghug3

tchappy

I went through the same thing a few months ago and looked back at my past. Realized every single guy I ever dated was emotionally unavailable in some way or another. I know exactly how you feel.

It was truly an eye opener when I started looking at myself for the problem instead of the guy that I was with. It took alot of hard work and I still work on it on a daily basis.

It is a wonderful thing when you can look to yourself to make you happy instead of looking outside yourself for something to fill the void. It has changed my life for the better for sure.

BuffaloGal

If you want a partner who will tell you the truth, date a person with Asperger's.

My post-marriage boyfriend was an Aspie, and it simply does not occur to him to hide who or what he is. After my marriage, that was an incredible relief. He doesn't really understand shame at all, and that's where most lies in relationships are born, I've come to think; I learned that from him. If you are unable to look at yourself from your partner's point of view, and see yourself lacking, there is never a reason to lie.

Eventually our relationship deteriorated because I rely heavily on emotional communication and he can't read it, but I still care deeply about him and wouldn't change him a bit. He is loving in his own way, and to those who can accept love the way he demonstrates it, he's gentle and generous... but he's not emotionally available in the usual sense.

I tend to pick distant, troubled men, but I've come to realize that it's because I'm both of those things, and I want to be with someone who understands me.

Learn2Live

I so agree with Kittyboo about Paris. We should all go; it is beautiful there.

oln

But without severe emotional problems that make them vulnerable, i just cant love them. im deeply in love with one now. i should know better