Boundaries are being tested
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Somewhere, our planet
Posts: 174
Boundaries are being tested
I've set up the boundary to take a break from and not have contact with AS after her latest drama in my family. The problem is not with AS, but with my parents who do continue to have contact her. They don't seem to respect my request for a break from my sister. What I mean is:
1.) They call and fill me in on all of AS' latest dramas and problems
2.) They write me emails about AS and her problems
3.) Although I have verbalized to them that I have a "no Alcoholic Sister zone", which = I don't want to hear about her endless problems and my parents' feelings about her, they bypass that request and tell me anyway. I probably should just hang up the phone, but that would cause more problems.
My mom has told me repeatedly that "I am her therapist and she doesn't need to go to Al Anon". Umm...that's not okay with me. I've suggested that while I sympathize with what she's going through, I cannot help her with her anger and her emotions, and suggest she see a therapist go to Al Anon.
Any advice on how to handle parents (who are still enmeshed in an alcoholic's problems) and don't respect your boundaries? I'm thinking that I might need to set up boundaries with them as well, which might mean that I don't have contact with them.
1.) They call and fill me in on all of AS' latest dramas and problems
2.) They write me emails about AS and her problems
3.) Although I have verbalized to them that I have a "no Alcoholic Sister zone", which = I don't want to hear about her endless problems and my parents' feelings about her, they bypass that request and tell me anyway. I probably should just hang up the phone, but that would cause more problems.
My mom has told me repeatedly that "I am her therapist and she doesn't need to go to Al Anon". Umm...that's not okay with me. I've suggested that while I sympathize with what she's going through, I cannot help her with her anger and her emotions, and suggest she see a therapist go to Al Anon.
Any advice on how to handle parents (who are still enmeshed in an alcoholic's problems) and don't respect your boundaries? I'm thinking that I might need to set up boundaries with them as well, which might mean that I don't have contact with them.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Well, I would say that bounderies with your parents are in order. Parents with a problem child are hard to crack. They still see the child as a child not an adult. When there is a problem they have a difficult time accepting that there really is a problem. They are forever forgiving and inside praying for a miracle. You see, if the child has a problem as an adult/child they blame themselves. Guilt is a difficult self imposed emotion to overcome.
With that said, perhaps you need to clearly recarve your space in their life, not as a sounding board, but, as an independant person, one who also has needs. One who understands, yet is not engulfed in all the drama. Simply put, when the conversation steps over your boundries, you tell them that you love them and close out the conversation. Tomorrow is another day.
Take care of you....
With that said, perhaps you need to clearly recarve your space in their life, not as a sounding board, but, as an independant person, one who also has needs. One who understands, yet is not engulfed in all the drama. Simply put, when the conversation steps over your boundries, you tell them that you love them and close out the conversation. Tomorrow is another day.
Take care of you....
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,905
You are the only one who can stop it. When the phone calls turn to issues about your sister, quickly say...I'm not listening to that. I have to go. And then HANG UP. Same thing with emails. When they drift to your sister, stop reading and delete them. You may have to remind her several times, but if you are consistent, she will eventually get the message.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South Africa
Posts: 330
I think boundaries with your parents in regards to your sister are in order and healthy for you. They must know that you have a viewpoint that professionals are the people to help her. Triangulating with you is not healthy for you, them or her. You will not be an enabler anymore.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
There have been times I went no contact with my parents because they were eyeball-deep in my AD's chaos.
My mom would call venting, and I'd remind her it was their choice to do what they were doing for AD. Dad would send me emails.
I filtered his emails directly to trash. I made it clear to my mother that I would hang up should the conversation be about my AD.
Were they upset I set boundaries? Yes.
The bottom line is my recovery, my peace of mind must come first and foremost.
They can get glad in the same pants they got mad in.
My mom would call venting, and I'd remind her it was their choice to do what they were doing for AD. Dad would send me emails.
I filtered his emails directly to trash. I made it clear to my mother that I would hang up should the conversation be about my AD.
Were they upset I set boundaries? Yes.
The bottom line is my recovery, my peace of mind must come first and foremost.
They can get glad in the same pants they got mad in.
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