Threatening suicide
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 4
Threatening suicide
Hi,
What do I do if my ex-boyfriend threatens suicide?
We agreed to take a break about 3 weeks ago because we both need time apart to work on ourselves. However, it has been easier for me to stick to this plan than it has been for him. He has this fear that we are never going to get back together, while I'm not even thinking about "us" right now. Therefore, he gets angry whenever I can't promise him that we'll get back together, or when I can't say that I miss him as much as he misses me. I'm emotionally drained and the thought of being with him (or anybody else for that matter) makes me shudder.
Well, Monday afternoon, we go through the above conversation again, but this time the conversation gets scary because he said something to the effect of, "You better get a protective order" and hangs up. Angry and a bit unnerved, I call back to make sure that I heard him correctly, but he says, "I didn't say anything, all I said was bye." Then he starts saying, "You remember this conversation, when you get the news that I've killed myself. I've got a .45 in my closet right now. What's to stop me from getting high and shooting myself?" This conversation goes like this for almost 10-15 minutes before I hang up crying. Needless, to say I haven't called him back, and he didn't kill himself because he's calling me right now.
What do I do?
What do I do if my ex-boyfriend threatens suicide?
We agreed to take a break about 3 weeks ago because we both need time apart to work on ourselves. However, it has been easier for me to stick to this plan than it has been for him. He has this fear that we are never going to get back together, while I'm not even thinking about "us" right now. Therefore, he gets angry whenever I can't promise him that we'll get back together, or when I can't say that I miss him as much as he misses me. I'm emotionally drained and the thought of being with him (or anybody else for that matter) makes me shudder.
Well, Monday afternoon, we go through the above conversation again, but this time the conversation gets scary because he said something to the effect of, "You better get a protective order" and hangs up. Angry and a bit unnerved, I call back to make sure that I heard him correctly, but he says, "I didn't say anything, all I said was bye." Then he starts saying, "You remember this conversation, when you get the news that I've killed myself. I've got a .45 in my closet right now. What's to stop me from getting high and shooting myself?" This conversation goes like this for almost 10-15 minutes before I hang up crying. Needless, to say I haven't called him back, and he didn't kill himself because he's calling me right now.
What do I do?
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
First of all, I hope you realize that he's trying to hold you hostage with his threat. If you talk to him again, tell him that if he makes the threat again, you'll be calling the police. They are equiped to deal with these things; you are not!
Come to think of it, the fact that he's got a .45 in his closet worries me. Does he have a license for it? I'd call the police on a non-emergency number to ask their advice about how to deal with this (i.e. your ex boyfriend states he's got a gun and has mentioned using it on himself, though he is currently alive and well).
Come to think of it, the fact that he's got a .45 in his closet worries me. Does he have a license for it? I'd call the police on a non-emergency number to ask their advice about how to deal with this (i.e. your ex boyfriend states he's got a gun and has mentioned using it on himself, though he is currently alive and well).
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi silversurfer-
mine also threathened suicide when we split. i think the best thing to do is to call the authorities if you feel he might actually do it. they can go and check on him.
obviously, this is manipulation and intimidation by him. it's not healthy. hold your ground if you need some space (no wonder!).
what about changing your phone number?
naive
mine also threathened suicide when we split. i think the best thing to do is to call the authorities if you feel he might actually do it. they can go and check on him.
obviously, this is manipulation and intimidation by him. it's not healthy. hold your ground if you need some space (no wonder!).
what about changing your phone number?
naive
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Well only you can decide how to handle it but suicide threats are WAY bigger than me so here's what I would do if someone I loved was saying that stuff:
"Wow, suicide threats are serious business. I am hanging up and calling 911 right away because I cannot help you with that and I take any threat of suicide seriously."
Then I would call 911 tell them his address and what he told me, and let the paramedics/cops HELP this person as they are trained to do.
Yes, it is most likely manipulation. But taking it seriously is one way to get him to see it will not have the effect on you that he wishes.
And sadly silversurfer, if your exABF does follow through and end his life you should know there is nothing you could do to prevent that. You're just not that powerful. And he's just not willing to seek or accept REAL help. Not "help" from you, but REAL help from professionals who know how to help severely depressed/suicidal people.
What can you do today to further your own serenity, your own peace of mind?
peace-
b
"Wow, suicide threats are serious business. I am hanging up and calling 911 right away because I cannot help you with that and I take any threat of suicide seriously."
Then I would call 911 tell them his address and what he told me, and let the paramedics/cops HELP this person as they are trained to do.
Yes, it is most likely manipulation. But taking it seriously is one way to get him to see it will not have the effect on you that he wishes.
And sadly silversurfer, if your exABF does follow through and end his life you should know there is nothing you could do to prevent that. You're just not that powerful. And he's just not willing to seek or accept REAL help. Not "help" from you, but REAL help from professionals who know how to help severely depressed/suicidal people.
What can you do today to further your own serenity, your own peace of mind?
peace-
b
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by silversurfer82 
Needless, to say I haven't called him back, and he didn't kill himself because he's calling me right now.
that says it all, doesn't it?
i think he will be fine. more importantly, how are YOU gonna be?
you'll be fine too.
it's ok to get off this ride
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 4
Well, that conversation definitely made me cry, but it wasn't out of sympathy for him. It was because if he was going to do it with me on the phone, I didn't want live with that memory for the rest of my life. And I definitely wouldn't feel guilty because he's a grown man and that would be his decision.
It was just amazing to me to see how he completely ignored the pain I was going through and the reasons why I can't be with him. His addiction to drugs and alcohol and my codependency have taken me to a place that is hard to get out of. However, he made me the center of his life, and I no longer feel like being the glue that's holding him together. He just could not grasp the fact that our relationship, as it was, was draining the life out of me and I couldn't stay there any longer.
It was just amazing to me to see how he completely ignored the pain I was going through and the reasons why I can't be with him. His addiction to drugs and alcohol and my codependency have taken me to a place that is hard to get out of. However, he made me the center of his life, and I no longer feel like being the glue that's holding him together. He just could not grasp the fact that our relationship, as it was, was draining the life out of me and I couldn't stay there any longer.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Originally Posted by silversurfer82
... "You better get a protective order" and hangs up. Angry and a bit unnerved, I call back to make sure that I heard him correctly, but he says, "I didn't say anything, all I said was bye." ... "I've got a .45 in my closet right now."
He shows signs of potential for stalking and endangering YOU.
Take this seriously.
If anybody EVER told me I needed a protective order from them, I'd pursue it, and get my concerns on record with the police. Mentally stable people don't say things like that.
Call you local experts: the domestic violence hotline, and ask them their opinion on this - I'd venture to say they'd tell you the same thing.
CLMI
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
No body is that powerful to "hold together" another person. You pulled the plug on one of his selfish needs and now he's throwing the all too predictable selfish addict temper tantrum five year old style. It's really that simple. This guy is showing you his true colors. Threatening violence against you or threatening suicide means it's time for the right people to get involved, the police.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 93
My STBX also 'threatened suicide'...i say it like that because he just tells people that 'he's in a bad way'. He even called 911 last week on himself. It's how he gets attention without actually being hauled off to a mental ward. If you call his bluff, i would be willing to bet that he too will change the words. Keeping you hostage as NoDay said.
Additionally, i've been threatened indirectly as you have. When he told me he had bullets left and i asked if he was threatening me, he replied that he was going to shoot rabbits.
I've documented it all and QUIT taking his calls. You aren't married and it doesn't sound like you live together. Keep your distance and focus on you.
Additionally, i've been threatened indirectly as you have. When he told me he had bullets left and i asked if he was threatening me, he replied that he was going to shoot rabbits.
I've documented it all and QUIT taking his calls. You aren't married and it doesn't sound like you live together. Keep your distance and focus on you.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: norwich, uk
Posts: 80
If my stbxh goes down the attempting suicide route again, I will not be there. I saved him the first time because he wouldn't answer his phone and I needed to tell him something.
If he does it again I will not know, I don't want to know. The trauma of dealing with it was far too much for me and my boys.
If I was still in contact with him and he did it again I would ring the police and ambulance if he does not answer his phone.
I felt so bad that he tried to take his life because I left him. I didn't feel guilty for leaving him, but being parked on a pedestal for being on the right wave length wore me down too.
My advice to you is to tell him you will ring the emergency services if he threatens again.
If he does it again I will not know, I don't want to know. The trauma of dealing with it was far too much for me and my boys.
If I was still in contact with him and he did it again I would ring the police and ambulance if he does not answer his phone.
I felt so bad that he tried to take his life because I left him. I didn't feel guilty for leaving him, but being parked on a pedestal for being on the right wave length wore me down too.
My advice to you is to tell him you will ring the emergency services if he threatens again.
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Join Date: Aug 2002
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I hate to say it, but I've been there, done that, got the protective order AND the lead news story at 5, 6 and 10 pm in my little part of the world.
I called the police, and it became a big deal in a hurry with an unstable man, loaded gun, near to a school. It took a few hours but he surrendered peacefully before the SWAT team had to go inside.
I came to learn that normal, stable, well balanced people don't threaten suicide, and they don't make direct or indirect threats to hurt other people. It was a cry for help, and I'm glad I took action to protect myself from him, and to protect him from himself.
I am eternally grateful that I called the police. He got some of the help he desperately needed, and I got a boot in the butt to make some more healthy changes in my own life and relationships.
I called the police, and it became a big deal in a hurry with an unstable man, loaded gun, near to a school. It took a few hours but he surrendered peacefully before the SWAT team had to go inside.
I came to learn that normal, stable, well balanced people don't threaten suicide, and they don't make direct or indirect threats to hurt other people. It was a cry for help, and I'm glad I took action to protect myself from him, and to protect him from himself.
I am eternally grateful that I called the police. He got some of the help he desperately needed, and I got a boot in the butt to make some more healthy changes in my own life and relationships.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Did you get the protective order?
Where I live a woman suffers abuse every 3 minutes.
Here policemen are involved in crimes, aid drug dealers, and are corrupt in all levels.
Protective orders against someone is a LAUGHABLE idea.
I know about them due to shows such as Law and Order and this site.
If you live in a country that takes abuse seriously and where laws exist to protect innocents, please use them, and wake up to the fact you are very lucky to have mechanisms available to protect YOU.
I also hope you don't answer his calls anymore. And I hope you don't ever go back to such a troubled, volatile person.
Where I live a woman suffers abuse every 3 minutes.
Here policemen are involved in crimes, aid drug dealers, and are corrupt in all levels.
Protective orders against someone is a LAUGHABLE idea.
I know about them due to shows such as Law and Order and this site.
If you live in a country that takes abuse seriously and where laws exist to protect innocents, please use them, and wake up to the fact you are very lucky to have mechanisms available to protect YOU.
I also hope you don't answer his calls anymore. And I hope you don't ever go back to such a troubled, volatile person.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
My X of long ago started to hang himself in my garage. I called the cops and he was whisked away to the mental unit of the hospital for the standard 72-hour watch. He called me from there bitching about how I'd had him locked up. LOL. What the hell else was I supposed to do? I was holding our 1yo at the time. Anyway, he never tried that again.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
I 100% agree with catlover. He told you to get a protective order and that he has a gun. First he infers he is going to use it on your and then he says he is going to use it on himself.
He is not a stable person and stable people are not people you want to be walking around with a gun--because they are not exactly thinking straight. Please, please, please call the police (you can call the non-emergency number) and let them know he has threatened you, is saying he is suicidal and is saying he has a gun. Do not take this lightly. I have worked in a profession where things like this happen all the tmie and the bad endings are the ones when people did not take the person serious and just brushed it off. Don't! He is NOT worth your life.
He is not a stable person and stable people are not people you want to be walking around with a gun--because they are not exactly thinking straight. Please, please, please call the police (you can call the non-emergency number) and let them know he has threatened you, is saying he is suicidal and is saying he has a gun. Do not take this lightly. I have worked in a profession where things like this happen all the tmie and the bad endings are the ones when people did not take the person serious and just brushed it off. Don't! He is NOT worth your life.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
I add my voice to all the others here, who have advised you report his comments to Police first and any other services deemed necessary.
If he put you on a pedestal, made you into his savior, then that is sad and still not your doing. You need to care for yourself first and keeping a distance from this unstable man is priority 1 right now.
I hope you have followed up on this, as it has my skin crawling and that usually means I am aware that something dangerous is around.
God bless
If he put you on a pedestal, made you into his savior, then that is sad and still not your doing. You need to care for yourself first and keeping a distance from this unstable man is priority 1 right now.
I hope you have followed up on this, as it has my skin crawling and that usually means I am aware that something dangerous is around.
God bless
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
I've been in your shoes and my advice is to start taking steps NOW to protect yourself as the situation escalates, because it probably will.
Your SAFETY is first and foremost. If it were me I would stop taking his calls and record all messages that are threatening in nature. At the very least get a notebook and keep good notes. Do tell him to stop calling and that you will notify the police if he continues to contact you.
Here is a link that will provide some basic information about how to obtain a protective order from stalking in your state. PLEASE NOTE that it is required that you report any threat to your life or safety to the police. In other words, a police report must be in place for you to obtain the protective order. WomensLaw.org | Virginia: Protective Orders for Stalking, Sexual Battery, and Serious Bodily Injury
Here is the link for some counselors in your area that can help you with your questions: Virginia Sexual and Domestic Violence Action Alliance
Your SAFETY is first and foremost. If it were me I would stop taking his calls and record all messages that are threatening in nature. At the very least get a notebook and keep good notes. Do tell him to stop calling and that you will notify the police if he continues to contact you.
Here is a link that will provide some basic information about how to obtain a protective order from stalking in your state. PLEASE NOTE that it is required that you report any threat to your life or safety to the police. In other words, a police report must be in place for you to obtain the protective order. WomensLaw.org | Virginia: Protective Orders for Stalking, Sexual Battery, and Serious Bodily Injury
Here is the link for some counselors in your area that can help you with your questions: Virginia Sexual and Domestic Violence Action Alliance
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