lulu1974

i have realized i am just lonely for someone and that is an issue within myself. i wouldnt pick him if we met today. i also harbor shame about what my marriage has turned into so I think I hold on because of that. sad I know but I am in recovery...

coffeedrinker

of course this is true.

but, imo, we pick people on a mostly subconcious level.

i don't think that if that brokenness inside of them was there, most of us would have been drawn to it. it's buried, yes, and superficially they don't exhibit those things that would later be flags or signs. they have not yet become safe enough with us to reveal themselves. it's just natural.

i have read on here more than once that a person fell in love with the other person when they were wonderful, competent, strong and loving. the realization that i also had a part in the whole thing took me awhile to get, so i'm not trying to throw stones or insult anyone. but....imo it's not accepting responsibility for the mess we later find ourselves in. NOT FULL responsibility, of course, but sort of a "guilty by association", or maybe a peripheral one?

accepting that i chose and alcoholic husband, and that i chose an addict to be in an intimate relationship with, has been a part of my healing journey. cuz if i didn't i wouldn't understand where i have to go next.



and along the same vein, it doesn't sort of end up a mess. we were on freight train full steam ahead toward a collision. we just couldn't see around the bend.

LaTeeDa

I didn't know whether to post on the "potential" thread or this one, but I guess what I'm thinking belongs here.

In addition to all the things mentioned above (need to be needed, superiority, etc.), somewhere along the line I developed a belief that suffering brings rewards. I believed that if I just suffered long enough, I would get some kind of payoff for it. Even the whole "for better or worse" thing sort of implies that if you put up with the "worse" eventually you will get the "better." The really hard to accept part is that after a while, the suffering itself became the "what I was getting out of it." I became the long-suffering martyr wondering when my reward would come.

L

1234

LaTeeDa, do you think you knew this? Or did you come to understand it as you recovered?

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LaTeeDa

I think I knew it on some level, but it was just another one of those ingrained beliefs. As I recovered, I started looking at those things and questioning them. I've come to believe that a lot of the stuff that was modeled for me as a child stayed with me on a deep level, even though I rejected most of it on a conscious, intellectual level.

I don't know if that makes any sense, but it's the only way I can explain how I behaved. For example, in my family, men and boys were treated as having more value than women and girls. My independent, modern, feminist self rejected that ideology, but at some deeper level, it was still there affecting my view of life and relationships.

L

BohemiMamaof3

Yes, it took time. Years.
Because the addict in my life is my brother, it's a little different than being married or romantically involved. But it has it's own challenges.

For me, I truly had to learn to detach with love and that came from reading the books recommended here, reading here a lot!, posting some, finding meetings and attending and learning the hard way that loving them isn't enough. Being frustrated that nothing changed and only got worse. Being tired and scared of being taken advantage of, lied to, stolen from, etc.

Something in my own family dynamic influenced me to behave as I did for so long. I had codie relationships with friends and family that are not addicts but simply people who didn't treat me nice or respect proper boundaries and through educating myself and realizing I was codependent, it's all been better for me, but it has taken time and not been easy. In my mid-20s I became a Christian and thought that good Christians had to always go the extra mile for people, and not complain, but always help.

sesh

Only recently I've realized this too. When questioning this line of thinking I figured it came from my mum. Whatever sh** came her way she said it doesn't matter, none of it, she put up with anything as there is nothing in the world she cares about but mine and my brother's hapiness and well being. So she was barganing with her HP. In the most terrible moments of her life I'd say to her something like: Why do you do it? Why don't you put a stop to it? And she'd say: Oh, honey it doens't matter, nothing matters as long as you and your brother are well.

So I grew up thinking if you suffer the reward must be coming. Turns out so not true. I'm glad that now I'm able to break that pattern of thinking. And even more now I kind of think all my suffering was kind of a reward as it was there to teach me something. And I believe I've finally learned that lesson. My only job is to make myself happy and healthy, and if I achieve that than I'll ge able to give the greatest gift to my kids: that we deserve to be happy in our lives without having to suffer for it.

1234

Can we all give Sesh some kind of award for speed of inquiring insight? You're on the fast track!

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