Moving on - Closure
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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Moving on - Closure
I'm leaving in 2 days. I will then be 1200 miles away from what I felt was a very bad dream. It's all a little surreal. I suppose this is my closure thread. 
I'm not even sure what I have to say about XA any longer. I've kept a journal; started right after he told me he wanted his ex back. It's filled with 10 months of pain. That's just amazing to me. I've anguished over this guy for this long.
I am emotionally exhausted of him. There were days when I cried for so long, just wanted to curl up on the couch because the "loss" I felt was so great. The realization that this man who was so seemingly caring and honest was neither of those things to me.
The anger I have with myself for ignoring every red flag there was.
I still have moments when I question myself even with what I know to be the truth. I think back to people he has known for years telling me what "stand up guy he is"....what "good people" he is.
I think he was once that. I very quickly remember that even if others do see him in that light, even if he is caring to others, that is not how he ultimately treated ME. That's the only thing that matters.
When I feel any sort of loss, I snap myself back into reality remember the flat out, in your face lies (which he still denies...of course), the covert passive aggression- which is so transparently obvious to me, though he could deny it all he wants. Those are truths. And no fantasy of who I thought he was can override the truths.
I try to remember the sequence of events and understand that as soon as he admitted he was an alcoholic and wanted to stop....it was only 2 days later that he was saying he could control it, and then inviting is ex back into his life because she "accepts him for who he is, and knows what it's like to live with him". He wanted to continue drinking....he has gotten everything he wished for.
I try to remember the image of him, hung over the morning after his drunk car accident, sitting there looking at him and actually saying to myself "do I really want this for the rest of my life"? That seemed to be so easy for me to forget when he was sure he only wanted someone else for the rest of his life.
Meeting him forced me to face my codendency. I realized that I would have compromised who I was, what I wanted, just to be with him. I put all of my self worth into his acceptance of me. And when he "rejected" me, wow did that send me into devistation mode.
I came face to face with all of my family issues. And am more aware of my choices in life than I was before. Nearly every relationship I have been attracted to has been with emotionally unavailable men. Men who do not "choose" me. It's been like a self-fullfilling prophecy.
I know now to pay attention to red flags in the beginning, acknowledge them and don't sugar coat them with disney's idea of prince charming.
I know now that I will never again in the future compromise who I am or what i want for the attention of a man. I know that I do not want anyone with any kind of addiction in his life. I know that I cannot save him. I know that I will never settle for less than I deserve.....ever.
Does it still hurt? Yes. It hurts the way it ended. No matter what, when you lose a friend, even if he was never a real friend, he was a friend in my eyes, at the time. It hurts to have no goodbye. He was the first man I ever said I love you too, and there is no goodbye.
It hurts that his reality is that I was the one who "ruined the friendship". And I read how alcholics don't take partners they take hostages.... and yes, in a twisted, totally codependent way, I would think how it hurt that he wanted someone else to be his hostage. (Did I really just say that!
) And that's where my self worth was?
I can say this, I made a lot of poor choices in this. But I will leave here with no regrets. Because the lesson I learned will be irreplaceable in my life. No matter what he thinks of me, or awful things he tells his friends about me, I know that I came here for something that I thought was real. I came here with good intentions, I know how much I cared about him. I know what the truth is, and it can't be bent or twisted.
And I know that I am much stronger now than I was one year ago. I have a new appreciation for my friends, I am looking forward to my new place, continuing with school, having goals, and knowing that every happiness I choose is solely up to me. And I am certainly aware of who I will invite into my life and who I won't.
SR is quite often still a daily reminder for me of the life I do not want. I really have a lot of admiration and respect for everyone here. We all ultimately just want the exact same thing, and thankfully there are amazing people like you who share your experiences in hopes that you can help make someone els's life better while still making your own better.
So besides this being my closure of this year, it's also a thank you to everyone who gave great advice and continues to give great advice.... because there are many times when I read something that will be posted to someone else and it always makes the little lightbulb over my head turn on.
So thank you.....and now on to a new beginning!
I'm not even sure what I have to say about XA any longer. I've kept a journal; started right after he told me he wanted his ex back. It's filled with 10 months of pain. That's just amazing to me. I've anguished over this guy for this long.
I am emotionally exhausted of him. There were days when I cried for so long, just wanted to curl up on the couch because the "loss" I felt was so great. The realization that this man who was so seemingly caring and honest was neither of those things to me.
The anger I have with myself for ignoring every red flag there was.
I still have moments when I question myself even with what I know to be the truth. I think back to people he has known for years telling me what "stand up guy he is"....what "good people" he is.
I think he was once that. I very quickly remember that even if others do see him in that light, even if he is caring to others, that is not how he ultimately treated ME. That's the only thing that matters.
When I feel any sort of loss, I snap myself back into reality remember the flat out, in your face lies (which he still denies...of course), the covert passive aggression- which is so transparently obvious to me, though he could deny it all he wants. Those are truths. And no fantasy of who I thought he was can override the truths.
I try to remember the sequence of events and understand that as soon as he admitted he was an alcoholic and wanted to stop....it was only 2 days later that he was saying he could control it, and then inviting is ex back into his life because she "accepts him for who he is, and knows what it's like to live with him". He wanted to continue drinking....he has gotten everything he wished for.
I try to remember the image of him, hung over the morning after his drunk car accident, sitting there looking at him and actually saying to myself "do I really want this for the rest of my life"? That seemed to be so easy for me to forget when he was sure he only wanted someone else for the rest of his life.
Meeting him forced me to face my codendency. I realized that I would have compromised who I was, what I wanted, just to be with him. I put all of my self worth into his acceptance of me. And when he "rejected" me, wow did that send me into devistation mode.
I came face to face with all of my family issues. And am more aware of my choices in life than I was before. Nearly every relationship I have been attracted to has been with emotionally unavailable men. Men who do not "choose" me. It's been like a self-fullfilling prophecy.
I know now to pay attention to red flags in the beginning, acknowledge them and don't sugar coat them with disney's idea of prince charming.
I know now that I will never again in the future compromise who I am or what i want for the attention of a man. I know that I do not want anyone with any kind of addiction in his life. I know that I cannot save him. I know that I will never settle for less than I deserve.....ever.
Does it still hurt? Yes. It hurts the way it ended. No matter what, when you lose a friend, even if he was never a real friend, he was a friend in my eyes, at the time. It hurts to have no goodbye. He was the first man I ever said I love you too, and there is no goodbye.
It hurts that his reality is that I was the one who "ruined the friendship". And I read how alcholics don't take partners they take hostages.... and yes, in a twisted, totally codependent way, I would think how it hurt that he wanted someone else to be his hostage. (Did I really just say that!
) And that's where my self worth was? I can say this, I made a lot of poor choices in this. But I will leave here with no regrets. Because the lesson I learned will be irreplaceable in my life. No matter what he thinks of me, or awful things he tells his friends about me, I know that I came here for something that I thought was real. I came here with good intentions, I know how much I cared about him. I know what the truth is, and it can't be bent or twisted.
And I know that I am much stronger now than I was one year ago. I have a new appreciation for my friends, I am looking forward to my new place, continuing with school, having goals, and knowing that every happiness I choose is solely up to me. And I am certainly aware of who I will invite into my life and who I won't.
SR is quite often still a daily reminder for me of the life I do not want. I really have a lot of admiration and respect for everyone here. We all ultimately just want the exact same thing, and thankfully there are amazing people like you who share your experiences in hopes that you can help make someone els's life better while still making your own better.
So besides this being my closure of this year, it's also a thank you to everyone who gave great advice and continues to give great advice.... because there are many times when I read something that will be posted to someone else and it always makes the little lightbulb over my head turn on.
So thank you.....and now on to a new beginning!
today4me
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 311
Originally Posted by Kittyboo 
It hurts to have no goodbye. He was the first man I ever said I love you too, and there is no goodbye.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
thanks guys! And yes, I will be here
Ummm Tpen, there is no option to meet with him. Why would I EvER put myself out there like that again just to have him reject a meeting with me
before I leave? And second, my closure comes from within... This man lied to me, treated me horribly... He doesn't deserve to see me again. Why would I ever give him another opportunity to turn this be around on m? No thank you, I learned that's what I get with him every time I let him in. He has me blocked on facebook and is well aware that I am leaving. I have no desire to continue to feed his ego.
No contact...is no contact.
Ummm Tpen, there is no option to meet with him. Why would I EvER put myself out there like that again just to have him reject a meeting with me
before I leave? And second, my closure comes from within... This man lied to me, treated me horribly... He doesn't deserve to see me again. Why would I ever give him another opportunity to turn this be around on m? No thank you, I learned that's what I get with him every time I let him in. He has me blocked on facebook and is well aware that I am leaving. I have no desire to continue to feed his ego.
No contact...is no contact.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Congratulations Kittyboo!!! I cannot tell you how it feels to read your post and feel like someone took a peek right into my heart. Amazing! I relate so much to what you have written.
I feel such joy for you in reaching this moment! The inventory you've taken of yourself and your part in your relationship and how you want to take what you've learned and change your life going forward to be happier and healthier in your relations with others and with yourself foremost, is just awesome and inspiring.
You've thanked those here, but you are also due thanks for being brave and honest and sharing your recovery with others because your process has been so helpful here.
I hope you don't wander too far now that you are moving on from addiction. There is more work to be done and more of you to discover. I will enjoy hearing of your experiences as you grow more and look back on your progress in the coming months.
Much love,
Alice
I feel such joy for you in reaching this moment! The inventory you've taken of yourself and your part in your relationship and how you want to take what you've learned and change your life going forward to be happier and healthier in your relations with others and with yourself foremost, is just awesome and inspiring.
You've thanked those here, but you are also due thanks for being brave and honest and sharing your recovery with others because your process has been so helpful here.
I hope you don't wander too far now that you are moving on from addiction. There is more work to be done and more of you to discover. I will enjoy hearing of your experiences as you grow more and look back on your progress in the coming months.
Much love,
Alice
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Originally Posted by Kittyboo
thanks guys! And yes, I will be here
Ummm Tpen, there is no option to meet with him. Why would I EvER put myself out there like that again just to have him reject a meeting with me
before I leave? And second, my closure comes from within... This man lied to me, treated me horribly... He doesn't deserve to see me again. Why would I ever give him another opportunity to turn this be around on m? No thank you, I learned that's what I get with him every time I let him in. He has me blocked on facebook and is well aware that I am leaving. I have no desire to continue to feed his ego.
No contact...is no contact.
Ummm Tpen, there is no option to meet with him. Why would I EvER put myself out there like that again just to have him reject a meeting with me
before I leave? And second, my closure comes from within... This man lied to me, treated me horribly... He doesn't deserve to see me again. Why would I ever give him another opportunity to turn this be around on m? No thank you, I learned that's what I get with him every time I let him in. He has me blocked on facebook and is well aware that I am leaving. I have no desire to continue to feed his ego.
No contact...is no contact.
Tpen, I understand your thoughts on this - but sometimes, it is healthier to say our goodbyes thru a journal, in a prayer, to the wind or even here on SR -
In dealing with some ex A's we have talked, spoke and said the words so many times - a meeting one more time really does no good. We would come out better talk to the local "Pine Tree" If we really think they may "HEAR" us this time. We've spent years trying to get them to "hear" us - it's probably not going to happen now that we're leaving.
Kitty - I pray that you find your PINKNESS on your new journey and that all the Love, Joy, Peace and Grace of the world embrace you as you walk your new path!
You are a wonderful person and deserve the very best - please remember that!!
HUGS, (hope, unity, gratitude and serenity)
Rita
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
Omg, Alice, for real your post made me kinda teary! :ghug3
Like many here, I always feel that if something I say can bring some kind of hope or inspiration to just one person...then my work is done!
And you are right, there is still so much more work to be done. And the thing is that I don't think that inner work can ever be done...unless I reach the state of true enlightenment and become a Buddha!lol
It is certainly a daily process. It is by no means easy.
In fact just today I am having to confront a friend who I loaned quite a bit of money to (never a good idea) and before I would be hesitant to say anything, but I have been more than fair and patient...and "hey, I need it back, and this is the way it is, sorry if that is too difficult for you, but stop putting it off".
It definitely feels good and empowering to truly know that my future and my mood is truly ONLY up to ME. I know that I have a lot to be grateful for.
Thank you for your kind kind words. They are also inspiring. I find inspiration that I am on such a good path by reading your words. So thank you!
Wow, I really wish SR could have some kind of Caribbean retreat weekend! How great would that be!
Like many here, I always feel that if something I say can bring some kind of hope or inspiration to just one person...then my work is done!
And you are right, there is still so much more work to be done. And the thing is that I don't think that inner work can ever be done...unless I reach the state of true enlightenment and become a Buddha!lol
It is certainly a daily process. It is by no means easy.
In fact just today I am having to confront a friend who I loaned quite a bit of money to (never a good idea) and before I would be hesitant to say anything, but I have been more than fair and patient...and "hey, I need it back, and this is the way it is, sorry if that is too difficult for you, but stop putting it off".
It definitely feels good and empowering to truly know that my future and my mood is truly ONLY up to ME. I know that I have a lot to be grateful for.
Thank you for your kind kind words. They are also inspiring. I find inspiration that I am on such a good path by reading your words. So thank you!
Wow, I really wish SR could have some kind of Caribbean retreat weekend! How great would that be!
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
Japic, thank you!!
And Tpen, yes I know you had the best intentions in your advice. But it is true like Japic said some goodbyes are best left other ways.
Imagining reaching out to him again actually still brings me pain because I can't tell you how many phone calls I made trying to reach out after he seemed to want to repair a friendship.
I left heartfelt messages....one I even broke down and cried in the message.
Did he call me back?......no.
The only time he did respond was the last time when I had finally had enough of being nice and compassionate and went off via text (again a mistake)...but it was only then that he finally responded with as much animosity back. So he pretty much made it clear to me that he doesn't respond to kindness and wanting to talk with him, unless he's drunk and he reaches out first..... but he has no problem ultimately telling me that how I feel is not his problem.
I have learned that some things are better left behind. He is one of those things.
And Tpen, yes I know you had the best intentions in your advice. But it is true like Japic said some goodbyes are best left other ways.
Imagining reaching out to him again actually still brings me pain because I can't tell you how many phone calls I made trying to reach out after he seemed to want to repair a friendship.
I left heartfelt messages....one I even broke down and cried in the message.
Did he call me back?......no.
The only time he did respond was the last time when I had finally had enough of being nice and compassionate and went off via text (again a mistake)...but it was only then that he finally responded with as much animosity back. So he pretty much made it clear to me that he doesn't respond to kindness and wanting to talk with him, unless he's drunk and he reaches out first..... but he has no problem ultimately telling me that how I feel is not his problem.
I have learned that some things are better left behind. He is one of those things.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
aww 
good for you Kitty, come back anytime.
I identified A LOT with your posts.
I was also thinking of giving myself a SR break, and thought about that woundology thing.. sometimes I wonder if living in SR is defining myself as "The Ex Of" and if I could get a life it would be great. Its a HUGE inspiration knowing you're already doing it because I feel we are very similar.
HUGS!~
good for you Kitty, come back anytime.I identified A LOT with your posts.
I was also thinking of giving myself a SR break, and thought about that woundology thing.. sometimes I wonder if living in SR is defining myself as "The Ex Of" and if I could get a life it would be great. Its a HUGE inspiration knowing you're already doing it because I feel we are very similar.
HUGS!~
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
For real...you guys make me tear up! But in a good way Thanks for your encouraging words, truly!
TC- I actually thought about taking a break from SR because I thought at times it was just keeping the memory of my XA alive in my head, and since I want nothing more than to forget about him, I wasn't sure that I should keep coming back.
But, at the same time I find so much inspiration here, and I still have much inner work to do. There are often things posted that are just fabulous for anyone looking for inspiration.
I identified A LOT with your posts
And I with yours, and so many here. That's what I always found amazing. I had a rather short experience with an A, in comparison to others, but the similarities absolutely fascinate me. Just how many of his actions are exactly the same as what many have dealt with for years and years. Again a reminder that his choice to not want to be with me was a blessing in disguise, and the prince charming I created was just that...something I created.
HUGS!
Thanks for your encouraging words, truly!TC- I actually thought about taking a break from SR because I thought at times it was just keeping the memory of my XA alive in my head, and since I want nothing more than to forget about him, I wasn't sure that I should keep coming back.
But, at the same time I find so much inspiration here, and I still have much inner work to do. There are often things posted that are just fabulous for anyone looking for inspiration.
I identified A LOT with your posts
And I with yours, and so many here. That's what I always found amazing. I had a rather short experience with an A, in comparison to others, but the similarities absolutely fascinate me. Just how many of his actions are exactly the same as what many have dealt with for years and years. Again a reminder that his choice to not want to be with me was a blessing in disguise, and the prince charming I created was just that...something I created.
HUGS!
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
It's always good to take a break, I feel this way with Al Anon as well, As much as Al Anon is for me, it's always about looking deep inside which takes a lot of energy.
Sometimes happiness is all about pushing it aside and just having some fun.
You're doing a great job at healing and I too relate to your posts. Many of the words you just spoke above could have come right from my mouth.
You speak my "language"
Sometimes happiness is all about pushing it aside and just having some fun.
You're doing a great job at healing and I too relate to your posts. Many of the words you just spoke above could have come right from my mouth.
You speak my "language"
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Originally Posted by Kittyboo
I'm not even sure what I have to say about XA any longer. I've kept a journal; started right after he told me he wanted his ex back. It's filled with 10 months of pain. That's just amazing to me. I've anguished over this guy for this long.
I am emotionally exhausted of him. There were days when I cried for so long, just wanted to curl up on the couch because the "loss" I felt was so great. The realization that this man who was so seemingly caring and honest was neither of those things to me.
The anger I have with myself for ignoring every red flag there was.
I still have moments when I question myself even with what I know to be the truth. I think back to people he has known for years telling me what "stand up guy he is"....what "good people" he is.
I think he was once that. I very quickly remember that even if others do see him in that light, even if he is caring to others, that is not how he ultimately treated ME. That's the only thing that matters.
When I feel any sort of loss, I snap myself back into reality remember the flat out, in your face lies (which he still denies...of course), the covert passive aggression- which is so transparently obvious to me, though he could deny it all he wants. Those are truths. And no fantasy of who I thought he was can override the truths.
Meeting him forced me to face my codendency. I realized that I would have compromised who I was, what I wanted, just to be with him. I put all of my self worth into his acceptance of me. And when he "rejected" me, wow did that send me into devistation mode.
I came face to face with all of my family issues. And am more aware of my choices in life than I was before. Nearly every relationship I have been attracted to has been with emotionally unavailable men. Men who do not "choose" me. It's been like a self-fullfilling prophecy.
I know now to pay attention to red flags in the beginning, acknowledge them and don't sugar coat them with disney's idea of prince charming.
I know now that I will never again in the future compromise who I am or what i want for the attention of a man. I know that I do not want anyone with any kind of addiction in his life. I know that I cannot save him. I know that I will never settle for less than I deserve.....ever.
I can say this, I made a lot of poor choices in this. But I will leave here with no regrets. Because the lesson I learned will be irreplaceable in my life. No matter what he thinks of me, or awful things he tells his friends about me, I know that I came here for something that I thought was real. I came here with good intentions, I know how much I cared about him. I know what the truth is, and it can't be bent or twisted.
My BF is a good guy, but has a very ugly side which only a chosen unlucky few ever get to see. Hell, he doesn't even see it
The disease kills the host and the people who love the host.
Being with an addict is like keeping plants in a dark room and watering them with acid.
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The movers have just about packed me up and I will be hitting the road shortly.
I'm am actually doing ok. Even last only teared up for about 3 minutes as I posted my last entry that will be about him in my journal.
I will not even sit here and say that today there is not a part of me that is still a little sad that I leave here with no heartfelt goodbye. It's a little surreal.
I don't know what else I am thinking at the moment.... With the sadness there is also happiness that this experience is coming to an end. I'm leaving here and certainly taking my heart with me.
I do hope everyone is having a good weekend!
I'm am actually doing ok. Even last only teared up for about 3 minutes as I posted my last entry that will be about him in my journal.
I will not even sit here and say that today there is not a part of me that is still a little sad that I leave here with no heartfelt goodbye. It's a little surreal.
I don't know what else I am thinking at the moment.... With the sadness there is also happiness that this experience is coming to an end. I'm leaving here and certainly taking my heart with me.
I do hope everyone is having a good weekend!
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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So I have to tell you all how much better I feel now that I'm no longer even in the same state. I realize happiness is a state of being...but being far away doesn't hurt either! Haha
But I had, what I would like to think is a clear sign from my HP ....as I crossed the state line leaving Texas I saw a rainbow. Haven't seen one of those in over a year! This is a good move
But I had, what I would like to think is a clear sign from my HP ....as I crossed the state line leaving Texas I saw a rainbow. Haven't seen one of those in over a year! This is a good move
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