Jenny1232

I usually post on the substance abuse side, but, I've got a question about alcohol.

I hate it. Yet, I'll drink it from time to time. However, I HATE IT. I don't feel the need for it what-so-ever. My boyfriend enjoys beer, and I freaking hate it. He's limited his consumption, because he knows I can't stand the fact he drinks so often. However, I get super irritated even with one beer.

Now, I am very co-dependent.. so I'm looking for someone to tell me I shouldn't be so uptight. When is it too much?

Last night while cooking dinner he said, "are you going to be upset if I have one beer while I cook dinner"? I of course lied, and said "no". He drank one beer, and that was it.

And here I am the next morning, very UNHAPPY about it. It's a preference thing. He easily had ONE beer, and then stopped. He didn't have to have it, but he chose to have one... and I don't like it. Maybe it's that he's not the one for me. I want someone who doesn't need to drink on weeknights, or to unwind after work.

Am I just being too uptight? I grew up with alcoholics, so I harbor much resentment towards it. I'm sure I'm being silly, but damn if I'm not irritated about his one stupid beer.

Is one beer so damn bad, or what?

Is it another vice, just like my bowl of ice cream before bed? That's unhealthy... but, it's a delight. I still work out and take care of myself. I'm sure for health freaks, that could be gross. Get what I'm saying?

Is it like having one soda? I know damn well he doesn't catch a buzz from one beer? I'm trying to justify this, and tell myself it's okay.. but I'm IRRITATED! ARGH!

Mambo Queen

IMHO, yes, you're being too uptight. Unless there's more to the story. your bf does not sound alcoholic, and having one beer in the evening does not sound like a problem at all for him.

But if it bothers you so much, maybe any alcohol at all is a deal-breaker for you? There are non-drinkers out there you can date. But then, you say YOU drink from time-to-time so....I'm not sure if that's what you want either?

Jenny1232

Well, alcohol has destroyed us many times in the past. It's led to SERIOUS fights.. so we cut back. When I cut back, I nearly eliminate it. I do want to drink occasionaly, I do.

He's definitely had several addictions (nothing hardcore) and he drinks heavily when his life is in ruins. He's cut back, because he's trying to "prove" he doesn't need it. That's my theory, at least.

Thanks for your opinion. I do feel like I'm being very uptight. If he wants to keep it at 1-2 beers, then I shouldn't complain. It's when he needs to get drunk that I should be concerned, which he's not.

I'm just bitter.. thanks!

coffeedrinker

hi jenny,

if people stay on one forum only, they might come here and say what mambo did. who would think someone had a drinking prob with one, or two beers now and then.

but yours is an addict. therefore, he should not, imo, be having even one beer. as you said, it has caused problems in the past. it will again.
serious recovering addicts - again, in my opinion - do not step onto that slippery slope with another drug. they know better.

Jenny1232

Thanks Coffeedrinker - but.. that means I shouldn't have one drink too. I'm an addict, or at least have the tendencies.. yet, I know I can control it. I can have a few beers every now and then, and then quit for however long.

I agree with you though, and that's why I get so irritated I believe.

He doesn't consider himself an alcoholic who needs recovery, and I don't press it.. because it's not too big of a deal right now. I just hate alcohol.. it's a love/hate relationship with it.

So, what if he can prove that he can have one and stop.. and never have a problem again. Is that still, an issue?

It's kind of like my bulimia.. early into my recovery, one sweet treat would trigger a full-fledged binge, then purge. NOW, a few years later, I can eat a sweet treat, and stop. Early on, I was able to eat something sweet, only if monitored, which kind of re-set my habits. I was definitely a food addict, and my relationship with it changed with the help of others...

Can't that happen with beer? Just curious more-so.

Mambo Queen

Yeah, I guess there is "more to the story", so I get now why the one beer bothers you. Since I don't know you and your bf's whole story though, I'll leave the advice to those who do.

Jenny1232

Well, that's the thing. I think I tend to make things a bigger deal than they really are.. so it's almost good that the whole story not be known.. then I can see how a normal person would react to the situation.. because I strive to be a normal person.

It's one stupid freaking beer. I shouldn't be this mad.

coffeedrinker

well i think i see what you're saying, but it's trickier with some "addictions" than others i believe.

for someone with an eating disorder, you can't cut food out of your life; you have to learn how to manage the triggers, what is healthy eating, etc. same with us codependents. we can't, and shouldn't cut people out of our lives, so we have to learn a new way to interact with them.

so, that makes it sound like he should be able to use a different drug, e.g. beer, and not have a problem. but everything that i have heard and read says otherwise. so, in trusting MY higher power (the 12 step program) i'm gonna go with:
no, he cannot have a beer.

my xabf has said many times he never has had a problem with alcohol. true, it's not what got him. yet, he still does not drink, and does not smoke weed. he knows he needs to remain drug-free, or it's not really sobriety. i believe if you walked into any na meeting, you would hear the same thing.

the thing is, he really wants to be high. imo he is just white-knuckling it now, and taking a little bit of solace in the occasional beer. my guess would be that it will escalate, and then he WILL have a drinking problem.

sorry

Jenny1232

My fears exactly - So, I guess they are legitimate. I've seen him abuse pills and alcohol. I know it's in him.

Really, he isn't causing much harm right now over one beer.. and I'm sure he doesn't know how much it's bothering me. I agree with you though.. it's not sobriety. You're still relying on something. He is going to the gym with my everyday.. and trying healthier things, so I have to give him some credit.

I'm just scared it will escalate. We went out the past two weekends, to different bars, and he didn't get drunk at ALL. So, I dunno.

I've heard that so much though.. once an alcoholic, you can never drink moderately again. I don't know that I agree. I've abused the hell out of alcohol, and I was/am a "binge" alcoholic.. I just don't think it's out of control at all. Maybe that's the alcoholics mentality?

onlyliveonce

For my EXAH one beer usually meant trouble because it almost always led to more. I can understand your frustration with the one beer. I was the same way cause one beer was one too many for him.

Jenny1232

Well, did it always lead to more, the same night he was having one beer.. or did he just climb the latter day-by-day?

onlyliveonce

It ALWAYS led to more no matter if he said it was going to be only one. I know for a fact mine was an alcoholic and even acknowledges it himself. If it bothers you I would talk to him about it. Maybe you are just getting some anxiety when you see him drinking, I always did because you never know what will happen.

onlyliveonce

He already knows it bothers you from previous arguements you've had. That's why he asked if you minded if he had one. If he had one and his demeanor was the same I would let it go but still talk to him amd let him know it bothers you. If people know they are alcoholics IMO one is too many.

Jenny1232

Right.. well I did break up with him two months ago, because of a pill addiction/dependency (chronic back pain). He cut that out, and now is getting cortisone shots in his spine.

He knows I'm not okay with it.. which is why he asked if I was okay with one beer. I want to step back.. and just see what happens.. so I don't fall into my controlling, codependent behaviors.

If nothing changes.. I will infact talk to him. I'm not going to go through this again. He KNOWS this though.. so I'm trusting his better judgement.. and don't want to get naggy so quickly.

He is very aware that I will walk away from him. It took a lot for him to get me back, and I don't think he wants to jeapodize it.. We'll see. I'm just paranoid, pessismistic, controlling, rigid, etc.

ksumm77

My husband could "control" his drinking at times to try to "prove" to himself that he didn't have a problem. He and many other alcoholics can "control" their use and limit their alcohol intake for periods of time. However, and it's different for each, my husband would always go back to his out of control drinking.

One's too many and a thousand's never enough.

onlyliveonce

An alcoholic doesn't use their better judgement (

Jenny1232

ksumm, that sounds all too familiar. How did YOU deal?

justtired

I, like Jenny, usually go to the F&F Substance Abuse forum. I accidentally clicked on this forum instead and thought, what the heck, I'll take a look around. I think God wanted me here. I was just wondering, and planning on looking for threads about addicts controlling substances. My abf appears to be "controlling" his meds right now. I don't believe that he doesn't have a problem, but it makes me question... how the HECK can he be controlling them like he is? He knows everything rides on him being able to "prove" to me and his new doctor that he is not an addict. It's just amazing that they can do this. I'm sure it must be the same for pills as it is for alcohol. Thank you for this thread.

justtired

I also wanted to say that I think it's important for people to know the whole story for you to get helpful responses. Just based on your initial post, I'd say, yea, you're over-reacting. HOWEVER, knowing that he's an addict and has problems with substances changes the whole thing. If my abf had ONE beer tonight, you bet I'd be pissed off! If someone else (who didn't have addiction issues) came into my house and had one beer, I wouldn't care in the least...

Addiction has affected your life. The only way it will never affect your life again is if it's not IN your life. You know this, and in my opinion, this is why you get so upset. At least that's the case for me...

smacked

I'm an addict, in recovery. One beer to me would make as much sense as doing just a small line of coke, or just a half a pill.. or just a tiny hit of.. whatever. I don't use any mind altering substances, as I am committed to my recovery and choose to live clean and sober.

Just my lil opinion.