One beer; too much?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
My read of this is that you are emotionally tied to his recovery. Boundaries and detachment are in order here.
I understand what you are saying about addictive issues and how one drug can replace another, but you are being emotionally rocked by his recovery path and that is where I would be placing my focus if it were me. And at one time....it was me.
I quit smoking over 3 years ago now. If I pick up a cigarette, one cigarette, I'm right back into a spiral of smoking more and more.
I was an insatiable binge eater for years. Binge-starve-binge-starve. That was me. For two years now I have done cognitive behavior therapy over my eating, have changed my habits, and have turned my world and my health around a complete 180.
That said, I have no addiction to alcohol. I have no taste for it. A cocktail couple times a year, that's it. No interest. I also find drugs rather gross and the thought of shooting, snorting, huffing etc just makes me feel imobilizingly sick.
You cannot compare recovery paths. You can seek out similarities and share those common bonds in support but ultimately your path, my path, your boyfriend's path etc are all different and we have no right to order anyone to walk as we do.
If your boyfriend can have one beer in the evenings and it is not addiction for him that is his choice. If his behavior when he drinks is objectionable to you than your boundaries need to be in place for when that happens. If one drinks sends you into a spin because you foresee trouble or because for you it couldn't stop at one, you are projecting your feelings onto the situation. Step back and breathe and accept you can only control you.
At one time, my XABF announced that he was going to tailor his drinking patterns in the same way as my CBT eating habits and would be very strict in his drinking during the week and then relax on the weekend. I found this absolutely laughable. He argued the point that it was working for my eating disorder so it should work for him, too. If I get to eat sweets and pizza on the weekends, he should get to have as much beer as he wants, right? It was hard to explain to him why the process wouldn't work the same way for each of us. All I could tell him was that it was his path to walk and he was welcome to try. He made it three days before he drank himself into unconsciousness.
Sorry this is so long. My point is that your BF is going to do what he is going to do. I'm more concerned with your emotions over someone else's recovery. Your worry and upset would be easier to manage and read as appropriate or not if they were focused on you and your recovery.
Peace to you.
Alice
I understand what you are saying about addictive issues and how one drug can replace another, but you are being emotionally rocked by his recovery path and that is where I would be placing my focus if it were me. And at one time....it was me.
I quit smoking over 3 years ago now. If I pick up a cigarette, one cigarette, I'm right back into a spiral of smoking more and more.
I was an insatiable binge eater for years. Binge-starve-binge-starve. That was me. For two years now I have done cognitive behavior therapy over my eating, have changed my habits, and have turned my world and my health around a complete 180.
That said, I have no addiction to alcohol. I have no taste for it. A cocktail couple times a year, that's it. No interest. I also find drugs rather gross and the thought of shooting, snorting, huffing etc just makes me feel imobilizingly sick.
You cannot compare recovery paths. You can seek out similarities and share those common bonds in support but ultimately your path, my path, your boyfriend's path etc are all different and we have no right to order anyone to walk as we do.
If your boyfriend can have one beer in the evenings and it is not addiction for him that is his choice. If his behavior when he drinks is objectionable to you than your boundaries need to be in place for when that happens. If one drinks sends you into a spin because you foresee trouble or because for you it couldn't stop at one, you are projecting your feelings onto the situation. Step back and breathe and accept you can only control you.
At one time, my XABF announced that he was going to tailor his drinking patterns in the same way as my CBT eating habits and would be very strict in his drinking during the week and then relax on the weekend. I found this absolutely laughable. He argued the point that it was working for my eating disorder so it should work for him, too. If I get to eat sweets and pizza on the weekends, he should get to have as much beer as he wants, right? It was hard to explain to him why the process wouldn't work the same way for each of us. All I could tell him was that it was his path to walk and he was welcome to try. He made it three days before he drank himself into unconsciousness.
Sorry this is so long. My point is that your BF is going to do what he is going to do. I'm more concerned with your emotions over someone else's recovery. Your worry and upset would be easier to manage and read as appropriate or not if they were focused on you and your recovery.
Peace to you.
Alice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 685
If your boyfriend can have one beer in the evenings and it is not addiction for him that is his choice. If his behavior when he drinks is objectionable to you than your boundaries need to be in place for when that happens. If one drinks sends you into a spin because you foresee trouble or because for you it couldn't stop at one, you are projecting your feelings onto the situation. Step back and breathe and accept you can only control you.
EXACTLY! I feel like I'm making a HUGE deal out of nothing, and projecting my fears here. But.. I don't know. I keep telling myself I have no control, focus on me, live MY life.
He isn't even in "recovery" in his mind. He sees nothing wrong. He, simply is cutting back on things that created problems with us. He knew he had a pill problem, and it tore us apart, so he eliminated it. However, he sees nothing wrong with the drinking. I've heard so many times, "I don't see anything wrong with coming home and having a beer, even if it's everyday".
Well, I DO.
EXACTLY! I feel like I'm making a HUGE deal out of nothing, and projecting my fears here. But.. I don't know. I keep telling myself I have no control, focus on me, live MY life.
He isn't even in "recovery" in his mind. He sees nothing wrong. He, simply is cutting back on things that created problems with us. He knew he had a pill problem, and it tore us apart, so he eliminated it. However, he sees nothing wrong with the drinking. I've heard so many times, "I don't see anything wrong with coming home and having a beer, even if it's everyday".
Well, I DO.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
How does his drinking affect you? Is it his behavior. Does it cause you to want to drink too much. Or is it more about his addictions and how it will affect him?
If you can't be around that one beer because it is a trigger for you in your own recovery than I support your upset. Work through those feelings and find boundaries that work for you to support your sobriety.
If you are upset because you believe it will become an addiction for him as with the pills or that he will go too far and not be able to control his drinking or because you don't think any drinking is part of a healthy life, then again I think this is projecting your own feelings onto him and taking his inventory.
Get to the root of what's really bothering you, that will lead to acceptance and that will lead you closer to peace.
Just trying to help.
Alice
If you can't be around that one beer because it is a trigger for you in your own recovery than I support your upset. Work through those feelings and find boundaries that work for you to support your sobriety.
If you are upset because you believe it will become an addiction for him as with the pills or that he will go too far and not be able to control his drinking or because you don't think any drinking is part of a healthy life, then again I think this is projecting your own feelings onto him and taking his inventory.
Get to the root of what's really bothering you, that will lead to acceptance and that will lead you closer to peace.
Just trying to help.
Alice
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
It's not your job or responsibility to control your boyfriends drinking. If it bothers you to date a person who drinks (and uses drugs... and abuses you...) you really need to ask yourself why you choose to date him? Don't you think it's a little odd that you are CHOOSING to be in a relationship with someone who's behavior makes you super irritated most of the time?
Not to mention the nasty treatment you described... and the drug problems...
Sometimes, when I don't want to deal with my own personal issues, I involve myself to much in other peoples issues. I purposely surround myself with people who are unhealthy because then I am not challenged to be healthy. I surround myself with people who I want to change so that I do not have to change myself.
You are so focused on your BFs problems and your heroin addict friends problems... do you think you might be avoiding dealing with your own problems?
Not to mention the nasty treatment you described... and the drug problems...
Sometimes, when I don't want to deal with my own personal issues, I involve myself to much in other peoples issues. I purposely surround myself with people who are unhealthy because then I am not challenged to be healthy. I surround myself with people who I want to change so that I do not have to change myself.
You are so focused on your BFs problems and your heroin addict friends problems... do you think you might be avoiding dealing with your own problems?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 685
YES YES YES YES... YES, Hello-Kitty.. I think I am avoiding my own problems. All the while, I am acknowledging at the same time. It makes a lot of sense when you mention hanging around people who don't challenge you. That actually bothers me. I was thinking the other day, how he doesn't challenge me. I don't want to break up, so this may be coming across wrong.. but you're right, yet again. Why do I want to be with someone who irriates me?
I've realized how consumed I am with my heroin addict friend, and my boyfriend. I keep trying to tackle co-dependency behavior.. by analyzing my thoughts and behaviors, and seeing them from a clearer perception. I guess that's why I was trying to justify one beer being okay.
How does his drinking affect you? Is it his behavior. Does it cause you to want to drink too much. Or is it more about his addictions and how it will affect him?
Well, his behavior gets nasty when he's drunk.. but he hasn't been getting drunk right now. It doesn't cause me to want to drink, because I usually decline. My addictions aren't really much of a concern. It's my future. I don't want to be with someone who NEEDS alcohol. I grew up with it, and I don't want it to be a defining aspect of my relationship or family life.
If you are upset because you believe it will become an addiction for him as with the pills or that he will go too far and not be able to control his drinking or because you don't think any drinking is part of a healthy life, then again I think this is projecting your own feelings onto him and taking his inventory.
This is certainly the main problem. What will become. It's me trying to control. Me deciding what is an appropriate amount, or when the right time to drink is.
This is complicated. I'm complicated.
On a side note: Things have been GREAT between us. He hasn't gotten nasty at all. Not drinking much. No pills. Incorporating health into his life, etc.
I've realized how consumed I am with my heroin addict friend, and my boyfriend. I keep trying to tackle co-dependency behavior.. by analyzing my thoughts and behaviors, and seeing them from a clearer perception. I guess that's why I was trying to justify one beer being okay.
How does his drinking affect you? Is it his behavior. Does it cause you to want to drink too much. Or is it more about his addictions and how it will affect him?
Well, his behavior gets nasty when he's drunk.. but he hasn't been getting drunk right now. It doesn't cause me to want to drink, because I usually decline. My addictions aren't really much of a concern. It's my future. I don't want to be with someone who NEEDS alcohol. I grew up with it, and I don't want it to be a defining aspect of my relationship or family life.
If you are upset because you believe it will become an addiction for him as with the pills or that he will go too far and not be able to control his drinking or because you don't think any drinking is part of a healthy life, then again I think this is projecting your own feelings onto him and taking his inventory.
This is certainly the main problem. What will become. It's me trying to control. Me deciding what is an appropriate amount, or when the right time to drink is.
This is complicated. I'm complicated.
On a side note: Things have been GREAT between us. He hasn't gotten nasty at all. Not drinking much. No pills. Incorporating health into his life, etc.
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