Jess01

I was hoping for some advice as I feel I have no where else to turn.

I have a younger sister (25) who has been in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship with a man for the past 3 years. They have a 2 year old daughter. Her BF (27) has major anger issues, refuses to get a job, however he is not an A that I know of, but he does use drugs recreationally. My sister has had to work because he refuses to work. He stays at home and looks after their daughter when he is not out partying. The relationship has been abusive for the past 2 years, and this mainly started due to money issues. There has been some physical violence towards my sister. The last instance was 3 months ago when they got into a bad argument and the BF kicked my sister and she broke her foot. My sister called the police and then she called me and I rushed to be with her. He was made to leave the property for 48 hrs.

It was then she decided to leave him. She has wanted to leave him for the past 12 months but never done so. We went out of town for a few days so she could get away from it all. Her daughter stayed with family and then the BF. (Despite his bad points he is a good father). During the time we were away the BF constantly called her, text messaged and would not leave her alone. He also text messaged me and our other friend who was with us trying to get us involved.

She was deciding to leave him and would tell him when we got back to town. She was too afraid of telling him that she would leave until she got back to town as he had her daughter and she was afraid that she wouldn’t see her again. We arrived back in town and he refused to let her leave him. After many discussions and arguments she decided to stay with him as it seemed the easier option. He feels that even though he broke her foot he did nothing wrong.

Heavily stressed she has had to go on anti-depressants to cope. Since then they have continued arguing most of time, in front of their daughter. My sister is restricted on where and what she can do, and he still refuses to get a job, therefore my sister has to work to support the family. They never have any money. My family have totally disowned him and do not speak to him anymore.

We have helped by providing support, money and looking after her daughter. My sister has many places to go if she wants to leave as we have a large family. I have deliberately tried to stay away from the situation as I was heavily involved and it was causing me a lot of stress. My mother is about to have a nervous breakdown as she lends them money all the time, and helps out my sister when they fight and needs somewhere to stay. I get a phone call from my sister every other week crying hysterically saying she wants to leave, but she never does. I know I can’t make her leave, but am I doing the right thing by avoiding him? I want him to know how much he has hurt my family and my sister but I don’t want to make things worse.

They have tried counselling to no avail.
She says she will leave when it gets to the point where she cant bear it anymore or he cheats on her. As her sister I feel so helpless and want a better life for her.

theuncertainty

Hi, Jess01,
I am so sorry for what you, your sister and your family are going through. The sticky on "Helping a member who is being abused" has really good information on how to help and support her and her daughter.
Other SR members may be able to provide you more information and support.
Best wishes.

smacked

I would be so scared for the little 2 year old. Is Child Services involved? It's one thing for her mother to be ok with staying with someone who is abusive, but it is not ok to know that a 2 year old is in an abusive home without taking some sort of action..IMHO.

MsPINKAcres

((Jess))

hate so much that you are watching your sister & niece go thru this - that is really painful.

I posted a thread in the Friends & Family of Substance Abuse Forum about my daughter and her relationship with her BF -

Please keep reading and learning how you can be strong for yourself and for her!
HUGS,
Rita

celticghirl

That is awfull im sure my family felt the same about me when i was with my exabf,it really hit home how many ppl can be affected by one persons actions.

There is nothing you can really do other than be there for her and i guess trying to point her in the right direction,try not to pressure her as from my own experience this only makes things worse.

My family constantly told me to get rid of him and i didnt help matters when i would run home after another violent argument crying and saying that im not going back,then i would be back a week later.

I made the decision when i was ready,really really ready!

My thoughts are with you xx

coffeedrinker

Jess,

I'm sorry this is tearing you up, as you are on the sidelines and you know how destructive this is. From what I hear, leaving an abusive man is the hardest kind of relationship to extricate yourself from. You either believe that your worth is in the basement, or when others try and build you up, and help you see that you are beautiful and worthwhile, you discredit them, cuz they must be off their rocker to believe that. I guess those two are the same thing.

She has drawn her line. Let's hope that when he hurts her again, she will follow through.

And - also- I guess I wouldn't think a 27-year-old who still parties does not have an alcohol/drug problem.

I hope your mother can distance herself, for everyone's sake.

Jenny1232

I know this is unrelated to the original post, but damn if this isn't true. My boyfriend will be 30 in June.. and that's my exact point. What 30 year old WITHOUT alcohol problems needs to drink all the time. Even social drinking...

Jess,

I just wouldn't give up. Your sister could ALWAYS use your support, whether she follows through with it or not. Your words will influence her, and eventually, she will get to her end... and you will have helped her along.

Besides the physical abuse, I'm in a very similiar relationship. He, and I are a constant, "work in progress" and while I want to leave him so often, I also don't. This place has helped me so much. Perhaps you could let her know about it, or some other support system. What I'm saying, is I did leave him for almost two months.. and it took the help of the people here, and my friends. I fell back into his trap with the "I'm sorry, I will change, and I love yous".

This could be what she needs for the final push.. IMO

Jess01

Thanks everyone for your comments and advice.

He is also the lead singer of a band and seems to put that first before anything else. I have suspected for a while that he is a drug user, not so sure about the drinking, but who knows.

Its such a horrible thing to see someone you love being broken down into pieces. I know she deserves so much better and the longer she stays with him the more broken she will be.

Child services have not been involved, Im not sure what kind of services they have here in my town. (I dont live in the US).

I also think she is co-dependent and I have tried talking to her about it and giving her some information. The trouble is he monitors everything she does on the internet so i cant send her any info via email etc.

I just hope and pray that she will one day see the light and leave him, as the only thing that keeps her there is the tiny glimmer of hope that he might change one day.