Healthy relationships
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: where the hell am i and what am i doing here?
Posts: 19
I just wanted to add that I realize how fortunate and truly blessed I am to have a healthy little boy and didn't intend to be insensative to those that may have lost theirs or miscarried.
KittyP - our stories are so similar. When you say, "So I thought for a long time that my unhappiness with his drinking was down to my own slightly 'puritanical' outlook.", that's exactly how I felt for so long. My AH actually tries to make me feel like there was something wrong with my family for the fact they so rarely drank. The only difference is that during college and into my 20s I was a big drinker and partier...but I thought that's a phase most people go through. I'm so sorry you had to go through the terrible heartbreak of losing a baby. God's plans don't always seem to make sense at the time.
KittyP - our stories are so similar. When you say, "So I thought for a long time that my unhappiness with his drinking was down to my own slightly 'puritanical' outlook.", that's exactly how I felt for so long. My AH actually tries to make me feel like there was something wrong with my family for the fact they so rarely drank. The only difference is that during college and into my 20s I was a big drinker and partier...but I thought that's a phase most people go through. I'm so sorry you had to go through the terrible heartbreak of losing a baby. God's plans don't always seem to make sense at the time.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
Thank you all for sharing your stories. We did try for a while when he was maintaining sobriety but I believe he cant have them or maybe I was too stressed out. I pray and look for direction on this. Thinking of my future and not having babies due to the disease of alcoholism makes me sick to my stomach at times. I want the man that alcohol stole back but I need to realize it may never happen. All your stories helped so much.
Hugs
Lulu
Hugs
Lulu
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 132
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa 
The best relationship advice I ever got was right here on SR. Someone, a long time ago posted that if you want to have a healthy relationship, make a list of all the things you want in a partner. Loving, honest, vulnerable, independent, etc. Whatever you picture as the qualities that would create a healthy relationship.
Then, get to work to become that person. We can only have healthy relationships to the extent we are healthy ourselves.
Then, get to work to become that person. We can only have healthy relationships to the extent we are healthy ourselves.
Wow - this REALLY hit home for me. I've been thinking about this post ALL day today.
Although it's hard to become that person, at least I now know what I have to do.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
LTD its also fun and great to become that person !! I longed for someone interested on martial arts, plastic arts, theater, yoga, tantra, philosophy, travel, psychology etc. and hey turns out I CAN be all that !! YAY!! all that is more than enough to entertain me for decades. Thanks for the reminder!
Well I am starting to get anxious as people around get married and have kids etc etc, but I also see a lot of poverty in my country, overpopulation and abandonment, to nature, animals, children and women in particular.
If you want to be a mother you can provide love and a good life to an adopted kid, or at least sponsor a kid in a remote area.
For now my motherly tendencies are spent caring for my bamboo and cats. Being the one who brings food, water, love reminds me that YES i got IT in me and NO I dont need much else than the love for life and love for God I was granted with. I would love to sponsor a kid as it would make my job more meaningful and motivating.
Also I know in civilized countries you can become a Mom without a man (or with his most basic 'participation'..)
I am with Jess, I loved that post!!
Well I am starting to get anxious as people around get married and have kids etc etc, but I also see a lot of poverty in my country, overpopulation and abandonment, to nature, animals, children and women in particular.
If you want to be a mother you can provide love and a good life to an adopted kid, or at least sponsor a kid in a remote area.
For now my motherly tendencies are spent caring for my bamboo and cats. Being the one who brings food, water, love reminds me that YES i got IT in me and NO I dont need much else than the love for life and love for God I was granted with. I would love to sponsor a kid as it would make my job more meaningful and motivating.
Also I know in civilized countries you can become a Mom without a man (or with his most basic 'participation'..)
I am with Jess, I loved that post!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 35
I put off having kids because I knew I wasn't ready to devote that much attention to another person who would need me so much. I also didn't meet the right guy to have kids with. One day I woke up, I was 45, and my body wasn't gonna do it even if I was ready.
If I had it to do over again and I had the money to spend, I'd go to a fertility clinic while I was still in my 30s and have some of my eggs preserved. It extends the window of opportunity for having babies by quite a bit as long as you're not opposed to in vitro.
It would have given me time to find the right partner, and to do some work on myself. The price tag ($20,000) makes it impractical for most women, though.
If I had it to do over again and I had the money to spend, I'd go to a fertility clinic while I was still in my 30s and have some of my eggs preserved. It extends the window of opportunity for having babies by quite a bit as long as you're not opposed to in vitro.
It would have given me time to find the right partner, and to do some work on myself. The price tag ($20,000) makes it impractical for most women, though.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: NJ
Posts: 197
I hear your need to have a child (((hugs))).
For the love of God, please do not have a child with an active alcoholic.
This is my experience and my opinion. Even if you think you are strong enough to cope and protect your child now, you will become ill yourself. All your energy will go into coping and dealing with your alcoholic, your child will suffer, their psyche will be damaged. Go on over to the acao board (2 forums down on friends and family) - read our stories, hear our pain. Read how we eventually learn that although we were conditioned to believe that it was all the fault of the alcoholic we come to realise that the non-alcoholic is at least equally responsible if not more so because they are the supposedly sane member of the partnership. If you are seriously considering having a child with an active alcoholic, with your level of awareness, then your are already far more ill than you realise.
Sorry if this sounds harsh but it is jmho.
Adopt / foster / sponsor a child but do it by yourself
Get a sperm donor - extreme but better than an active alcoholic but do it by yourself
Hugs to you and I wish you strength.
For the love of God, please do not have a child with an active alcoholic.
This is my experience and my opinion. Even if you think you are strong enough to cope and protect your child now, you will become ill yourself. All your energy will go into coping and dealing with your alcoholic, your child will suffer, their psyche will be damaged. Go on over to the acao board (2 forums down on friends and family) - read our stories, hear our pain. Read how we eventually learn that although we were conditioned to believe that it was all the fault of the alcoholic we come to realise that the non-alcoholic is at least equally responsible if not more so because they are the supposedly sane member of the partnership. If you are seriously considering having a child with an active alcoholic, with your level of awareness, then your are already far more ill than you realise.
Sorry if this sounds harsh but it is jmho.
Adopt / foster / sponsor a child but do it by yourself
Get a sperm donor - extreme but better than an active alcoholic but do it by yourself
Hugs to you and I wish you strength.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
Originally Posted by Iwanttoheal
I hear your need to have a child (((hugs))).
For the love of God, please do not have a child with an active alcoholic.
This is my experience and my opinion. Even if you think you are strong enough to cope and protect your child now, you will become ill yourself. All your energy will go into coping and dealing with your alcoholic, your child will suffer, their psyche will be damaged. Go on over to the acao board (2 forums down on friends and family) - read our stories, hear our pain. Read how we eventually learn that although we were conditioned to believe that it was all the fault of the alcoholic we come to realise that the non-alcoholic is at least equally responsible if not more so because they are the supposedly sane member of the partnership. If you are seriously considering having a child with an active alcoholic, with your level of awareness, then your are already far more ill than you realise.
Sorry if this sounds harsh but it is jmho.
Adopt / foster / sponsor a child but do it by yourself
Get a sperm donor - extreme but better than an active alcoholic but do it by yourself
Hugs to you and I wish you strength.
For the love of God, please do not have a child with an active alcoholic.
This is my experience and my opinion. Even if you think you are strong enough to cope and protect your child now, you will become ill yourself. All your energy will go into coping and dealing with your alcoholic, your child will suffer, their psyche will be damaged. Go on over to the acao board (2 forums down on friends and family) - read our stories, hear our pain. Read how we eventually learn that although we were conditioned to believe that it was all the fault of the alcoholic we come to realise that the non-alcoholic is at least equally responsible if not more so because they are the supposedly sane member of the partnership. If you are seriously considering having a child with an active alcoholic, with your level of awareness, then your are already far more ill than you realise.
Sorry if this sounds harsh but it is jmho.
Adopt / foster / sponsor a child but do it by yourself
Get a sperm donor - extreme but better than an active alcoholic but do it by yourself
Hugs to you and I wish you strength.
Hugs
Lulu
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Hi lulu,
Sorry for responding late to this thread.
Reading the responses of other SR members, I realize that for a lot of women (and some men!), fulfilling that biological urge--and to a certain extent the social obligation/marital fantasies we adopt, leads us to take almost anyone as a partner and think that we can change them into the partner we need to fulfill our needs. It's certainly what I did. How else could I have convinced myself that marrying an unstable alcoholic/drug user with 3 kids by 3 other women and a criminal record was a good idea??!! I just wanted so much to be married to someone "good" and eventually, I so wanted a baby, even though I realized that AH wasn't a good partner to do that with. He pushed for a child when he knew things were unstable between us, perhaps as a means of solidifying our relationship--or of keeping me trapped. I resisted until he pulled the final manipulation, i.e. "prove to me you love me by getting pregnant, or I'm leaving".
I caved. I threw my pills into the toilet and a month and a half later, I was preggo. Though AH was *wonderful* during my pregnancy, he was also unemployed for the better part of it and I found myself working up until I was 7.5 months pregnant to support him, myself and his son. I was constantly at the hospital for anxiety attacks, suspected low fetal movement, etc. Surprisingly I didn't give birth early...instead I held it in until at 42 wks I was induced. I guess I was holding onto being pregnant because it means AH was super nice to me.
I'm very thankful for my daughter's arrival in my life. In a very real way, she allowed me to see AH for what he really was, and it is for me, as well as for myself, that I left him. Had I remained childless, I would still be with him.
As for you dilemma lulu, I just wanted to say that you don't necessarily need a partner to have a child. Throughout my pregnancy, I met several single mothers who chose to be inseminated by an anonymous donor because after having separated from a husband or boyfriend, they discovered *liked* living their lives partner-less, but still wanted more children. I have a deep respect for those mamas because I know how hard it is to raise a child alone. In a way though, my situation was harder and more precarious than their was/is, because I spent my time *expecting* AH to step up as a father and a husband, and I was constantly disappointed by his failings. Now that we're divorcing, we'll always have to share custody and there will no doubt be conflicts about how to raise DD...and let's not forget all the fun times I've spent consulting lawyers and going to court. The single mothers by choice that I know don't have to deal with that. They know they can only rely on themselves so they arrange their lives accordingly. I know it's not for everyone, but the choice IS out there. When DD grows up a little and things settle down, I might even go that route myself. I sometimes feel that I cheated myself out of a joyous and relaxing pregnancy by having a child with AH...I'd really love to go through the experience again now that I've discovered a new relationship with myself.
Just food for thought.
Sorry for responding late to this thread.
Reading the responses of other SR members, I realize that for a lot of women (and some men!), fulfilling that biological urge--and to a certain extent the social obligation/marital fantasies we adopt, leads us to take almost anyone as a partner and think that we can change them into the partner we need to fulfill our needs. It's certainly what I did. How else could I have convinced myself that marrying an unstable alcoholic/drug user with 3 kids by 3 other women and a criminal record was a good idea??!! I just wanted so much to be married to someone "good" and eventually, I so wanted a baby, even though I realized that AH wasn't a good partner to do that with. He pushed for a child when he knew things were unstable between us, perhaps as a means of solidifying our relationship--or of keeping me trapped. I resisted until he pulled the final manipulation, i.e. "prove to me you love me by getting pregnant, or I'm leaving".
I caved. I threw my pills into the toilet and a month and a half later, I was preggo. Though AH was *wonderful* during my pregnancy, he was also unemployed for the better part of it and I found myself working up until I was 7.5 months pregnant to support him, myself and his son. I was constantly at the hospital for anxiety attacks, suspected low fetal movement, etc. Surprisingly I didn't give birth early...instead I held it in until at 42 wks I was induced. I guess I was holding onto being pregnant because it means AH was super nice to me.
I'm very thankful for my daughter's arrival in my life. In a very real way, she allowed me to see AH for what he really was, and it is for me, as well as for myself, that I left him. Had I remained childless, I would still be with him.
As for you dilemma lulu, I just wanted to say that you don't necessarily need a partner to have a child. Throughout my pregnancy, I met several single mothers who chose to be inseminated by an anonymous donor because after having separated from a husband or boyfriend, they discovered *liked* living their lives partner-less, but still wanted more children. I have a deep respect for those mamas because I know how hard it is to raise a child alone. In a way though, my situation was harder and more precarious than their was/is, because I spent my time *expecting* AH to step up as a father and a husband, and I was constantly disappointed by his failings. Now that we're divorcing, we'll always have to share custody and there will no doubt be conflicts about how to raise DD...and let's not forget all the fun times I've spent consulting lawyers and going to court. The single mothers by choice that I know don't have to deal with that. They know they can only rely on themselves so they arrange their lives accordingly. I know it's not for everyone, but the choice IS out there. When DD grows up a little and things settle down, I might even go that route myself. I sometimes feel that I cheated myself out of a joyous and relaxing pregnancy by having a child with AH...I'd really love to go through the experience again now that I've discovered a new relationship with myself.
Just food for thought.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Anywhere but here...
Posts: 227
Just because we, as women, do not have our own biological children, we can have spiritual children. Women we mentor, children we teach.
I always wanted to be married and have children. I turned 46 on Monday, and I am single with no children. I have many spiritual children that consider my own children!
I always wanted to be married and have children. I turned 46 on Monday, and I am single with no children. I have many spiritual children that consider my own children!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: NYC
Posts: 132
This is a great thread, something I've thought about a lot and something I plan on talking about at an Al Anon meeting I'm speaking at in a month.
I too asked many questions while I was dating my sober (but dry drunk) boyfriend. He was sort of my "last chance" for a family with a partner because of my age. After two very very frustrating years full of abuse and abandonment, I had to finally decide that childless and alone for life was better than being in a spiritually bereft relationship. I was not able to live and love or think of anything really other than the incredible pain I was in.
It is 4 months since we broke up and my life looks great, family or not. My relationships are improving as I'm not being tortured. My career is picking up. My artistic life -- inspired! Often it is the family question that causes us to compromise...or to think "what if". But in reality if I had put those questions aside and just asked myself if I was happy on a day to day basis, I had my answer.
And yes I know a lot of people who are in healthy relationships, even with recovering alcoholics. It all depends on the other person and your own health.
I too asked many questions while I was dating my sober (but dry drunk) boyfriend. He was sort of my "last chance" for a family with a partner because of my age. After two very very frustrating years full of abuse and abandonment, I had to finally decide that childless and alone for life was better than being in a spiritually bereft relationship. I was not able to live and love or think of anything really other than the incredible pain I was in.
It is 4 months since we broke up and my life looks great, family or not. My relationships are improving as I'm not being tortured. My career is picking up. My artistic life -- inspired! Often it is the family question that causes us to compromise...or to think "what if". But in reality if I had put those questions aside and just asked myself if I was happy on a day to day basis, I had my answer.
And yes I know a lot of people who are in healthy relationships, even with recovering alcoholics. It all depends on the other person and your own health.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
Originally Posted by alanonicnov2008
This is a great thread, something I've thought about a lot and something I plan on talking about at an Al Anon meeting I'm speaking at in a month.
I too asked many questions while I was dating my sober (but dry drunk) boyfriend. He was sort of my "last chance" for a family with a partner because of my age. After two very very frustrating years full of abuse and abandonment, I had to finally decide that childless and alone for life was better than being in a spiritually bereft relationship. I was not able to live and love or think of anything really other than the incredible pain I was in.
It is 4 months since we broke up and my life looks great, family or not. My relationships are improving as I'm not being tortured. My career is picking up. My artistic life -- inspired! Often it is the family question that causes us to compromise...or to think "what if". But in reality if I had put those questions aside and just asked myself if I was happy on a day to day basis, I had my answer.
And yes I know a lot of people who are in healthy relationships, even with recovering alcoholics. It all depends on the other person and your own health.
I too asked many questions while I was dating my sober (but dry drunk) boyfriend. He was sort of my "last chance" for a family with a partner because of my age. After two very very frustrating years full of abuse and abandonment, I had to finally decide that childless and alone for life was better than being in a spiritually bereft relationship. I was not able to live and love or think of anything really other than the incredible pain I was in.
It is 4 months since we broke up and my life looks great, family or not. My relationships are improving as I'm not being tortured. My career is picking up. My artistic life -- inspired! Often it is the family question that causes us to compromise...or to think "what if". But in reality if I had put those questions aside and just asked myself if I was happy on a day to day basis, I had my answer.
And yes I know a lot of people who are in healthy relationships, even with recovering alcoholics. It all depends on the other person and your own health.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
As far as my own experience on this issue, I have a "mom". She's not my biological mother, but she has no biological children of her own and my own biological mom died of alcoholism a long time ago. We adopted each other and she's been the best mom I could have wanted, and she proudly shows me off as her "son". She adopted me in her 80's, and has always been a wonderful mentor to me. She says it's never too late to do the right thing, and that includes adopting someone 
I don't have any biological kids. I adopted a 16yr old a long time ago, and she's turned out to be a wonderful young lady with 4 rugrats of her own. Ok, so we had some rough times along the way, but we worked thru them. Today she considers me her "dad", and we have wonderful convo's just like we were blood relatives. Heck, the oldest is going to make me a great-grandpa in Ocotober. No, life is not perfect, the father turned out to be an alkie and he's already in jail <heavy sigh>
I believe that family is what we make, not what biology forces upon us. Yes it would have been nice to have biological kids, but that's not what the HP had planned for me. This is what I got and all things considered, I really can't see any difference. Ok, so maybe the genes are different, but the love, closeness and feelings of belonging are just the same. I wouldn't trade my adopted family for a million biological ones.
Mike
I don't have any biological kids. I adopted a 16yr old a long time ago, and she's turned out to be a wonderful young lady with 4 rugrats of her own. Ok, so we had some rough times along the way, but we worked thru them. Today she considers me her "dad", and we have wonderful convo's just like we were blood relatives. Heck, the oldest is going to make me a great-grandpa in Ocotober. No, life is not perfect, the father turned out to be an alkie and he's already in jail <heavy sigh>
I believe that family is what we make, not what biology forces upon us. Yes it would have been nice to have biological kids, but that's not what the HP had planned for me. This is what I got and all things considered, I really can't see any difference. Ok, so maybe the genes are different, but the love, closeness and feelings of belonging are just the same. I wouldn't trade my adopted family for a million biological ones.
Mike
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
Originally Posted by DesertEyes
As far as my own experience on this issue, I have a "mom". She's not my biological mother, but she has no biological children of her own and my own biological mom died of alcoholism a long time ago. We adopted each other and she's been the best mom I could have wanted, and she proudly shows me off as her "son". She adopted me in her 80's, and has always been a wonderful mentor to me. She says it's never too late to do the right thing, and that includes adopting someone
I don't have any biological kids. I adopted a 16yr old a long time ago, and she's turned out to be a wonderful young lady with 4 rugrats of her own. Ok, so we had some rough times along the way, but we worked thru them. Today she considers me her "dad", and we have wonderful convo's just like we were blood relatives. Heck, the oldest is going to make me a great-grandpa in Ocotober. No, life is not perfect, the father turned out to be an alkie and he's already in jail <heavy sigh>
I believe that family is what we make, not what biology forces upon us. Yes it would have been nice to have biological kids, but that's not what the HP had planned for me. This is what I got and all things considered, I really can't see any difference. Ok, so maybe the genes are different, but the love, closeness and feelings of belonging are just the same. I wouldn't trade my adopted family for a million biological ones.
Mike
I don't have any biological kids. I adopted a 16yr old a long time ago, and she's turned out to be a wonderful young lady with 4 rugrats of her own. Ok, so we had some rough times along the way, but we worked thru them. Today she considers me her "dad", and we have wonderful convo's just like we were blood relatives. Heck, the oldest is going to make me a great-grandpa in Ocotober. No, life is not perfect, the father turned out to be an alkie and he's already in jail <heavy sigh>
I believe that family is what we make, not what biology forces upon us. Yes it would have been nice to have biological kids, but that's not what the HP had planned for me. This is what I got and all things considered, I really can't see any difference. Ok, so maybe the genes are different, but the love, closeness and feelings of belonging are just the same. I wouldn't trade my adopted family for a million biological ones.
Mike
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Anywhere but here...
Posts: 227
Originally Posted by 1234
IamSaved,
Thanks for being a spiritual mother. My own couldn't/can't give me what I needed, but I've been nourished by the love of several "spiritual mothers" who mean the world to me.
1234
Thanks for being a spiritual mother. My own couldn't/can't give me what I needed, but I've been nourished by the love of several "spiritual mothers" who mean the world to me.
1234
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