Clues that a pattern is operating

Old 05-12-2010, 03:22 PM
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Lightbulb Clues that a pattern is operating

Our Pathway Home, Emotional Healing: How to Know When a Pattern is Operating
The moment we recognize the pattern's behavior with our conscious mind, we have brought light to it. It can no longer operate in the dark, outside our awareness. We can then allow the feelings underneath the pattern to come up so we can acknowledge them, feel them, and release them.

This is a list that has been growing for some time. It began as a simple attempt to identify behaviors in us that are part of a pattern acting out. It's by no means finished.

1. Comparing myself to another person
2. Making sure someone knows his/her mistake
3. Being "Nice"
4. Needing to prove something to someone
5. Trying to defend myself
6. Seeking approval from someone
7. Saying "yes" when I don't really want to
8. Speaking crossly to someone
9. Not listening to someone who is talking to me, but instead planning what I'm going to say next.
10. Talking about someone in a negative way
11. Over-indulging myself
12. Neglecting myself
13. Adding something in or leaving something out, exaggerating or distorting, when telling a story.
14. Complimenting in an overboard manner
15. Getting pushy or pressuring someone
16. Doing something for someone for a payoff, such as being seen as kind or good, rather than just to meet their needs.
17. Being sarcastic.
18. Hurrying, rushing, being frantic.
19. Laughing at someone, not with them.
20. Being depressed, silent, moody, and expecting others to read my mind.
21. Being consistently late.
22. Hiding my anger.
23. Arguing.
24. Worrying.
25. Joking about somebody who isn't present, re: their weaknesses.
26. Sucking up / brown-nosing
27. Being "impressed" with someone.
28. Putting someone down, in my thoughts or to others.
29. Thinking about how someone will react or respond to my "neat" or "good" behavior.
30. Being silent and waiting for someone to ask me what's wrong.
31. Hiding my hurt and being tough, brave, or above it all.
32. Suffering or enduring in silence, but secretly feeling like I'm "better than" because of it.
33. Deferring the truth of what I think, feel or want.
34. Equalizing, i.e.: if I made a mistake, then I look for the mistake in others.
35. Looking down on or hating any group.
36. Pitying someone (secretly feeling "better than").
37. Looking for a distraction, fun, thrill, or fear experience.
38. Endlessly making plans.
39. Responding to my plans being thwarted or delayed by pushing harder with anger, or making more plans.
40. Being conscious of (or obsessing on) my feelings of confidence, security, superiority.
41. Being conscious of (or obsessing on) my feelings of lack, inability, insecurity, and inferiority.
42. Being "sweet".
43. Being a "good" student, mother, friend, helper, do-gooder.
44. Being "teacher's pet", or best helper for the leader/guru.
45. Believing and acting as if I don't need anyone.
46. Worshipping someone.
47. Waiting to be saved.
48. Trying to save others.
49. Trying to impress someone.
50. Avoiding things because I'm afraid, rather than just feel my fear.
51. Doing rash or dangerous things in an attempt to push past or control my fear, rather than just feel my fear.
52. Doing anything because I'm afraid, rather than just feel my fear.
53. Feeling like "I can't live without" someone or something
54. Being closed minded about something.
55. Acting from a preconceived "should", either for myself or someone else.
56. Showing only my "Sunday Self".
57. Picking a fight.
58. Having to be first or most healed.
59. Having to be worst or in the most pain.
60. Being accident prone, constantly being injured, OR injuring myself.
61. Being jealous and possessive.
62. Trying to get vengeance.
63. Being clingy, desperate or demanding.
64. Acting different in the presence of someone with power, authority, wealth, importance or beauty.
65. Being "two-faced", acting one way with one person, and differently with another person.
I don't agree with the entire list... but it sure has made me think twice.... ok.... more than twice.
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Old 05-12-2010, 03:49 PM
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What is this about? A pattern of what?
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Old 05-12-2010, 04:09 PM
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from the same site:

Patterns are repetitive behaviors or modes of response, created by frozen or denied pain. They are mostly outside our conscious awareness, existing in our blind spot, although often fairly easy for others to identify in us

Patterns are both a way of behaving in the world, and a way of seeing the world.


A pattern is also a cage, which imprisons us and locks us into ways of interacting that do not serve us.

These are examples of patterns, repeated ways of behaving and interacting with the world.


I think I get it.

There is much more, but to give the jist of what the author, and Hammer, was trying to say....
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Old 05-12-2010, 05:46 PM
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Originally Posted by MissFixit View Post
What is this about? A pattern of what?
Oops.. could have been more clear... hope this helps. (from same site)

Our Pathway Home, Emotional Healing: People, Pain and Patterns

Patterns are repetitive behaviors or modes of response, created by frozen or denied pain. They are mostly outside our conscious awareness, existing in our blind spot, although often fairly easy for others to identify in us.

Patterns are both
a way of behaving in the world,
and a way of seeing the world.

A pattern helps create our Belief System, and is also then influenced by our beliefs. We may have patterns that have created a set of beliefs concerning how to survive in the world, what we deserve in life, how to get our needs met (or beliefs that we will never get our needs met), etc. etc. And we may also have beliefs that hold the patterns in place and keep us from being able to heal the pain and see the world differently. We call this interlocking system of beliefs and patterns the B.S., because that's mostly what it is. The beliefs held here in this maze of the mind are mostly untrue and can be healed and changed.

A pattern is also a cage, which imprisons us and locks us into ways of interacting that do not serve us.

The daughter of an alcoholic, who repeatedly finds herself with alcoholic men ...
The sexually abused man who sexually abuses his daughters ...
The woman who can't seem to keep a job ...
The man who repeatedly chooses women who pound him with their rage ...

These are examples of patterns, repeated ways of behaving and interacting with the world. Repeating realities.

We continue to act in the same ways and yet we expect different results. That's because we are not really expecting different results. What we consciously think we want and expect ... is not what is running our lives. In other words, we are not really living from our consciousness. We are operating mostly from the basement of the Unconscious. And the backlog of pain stored in the unconscious is both creating a reality that will outpicture whatever inner expectations we have there (failure, abuse, rage...) and causing us to respond (and PREspond) to that reality with old, programmed behaviors.

It's time for a new path.
It's time for a change.
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Old 05-12-2010, 07:15 PM
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I can't be sarcastic? *cries*
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Old 05-12-2010, 08:07 PM
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Originally Posted by Still Waters View Post
I can't be sarcastic? *cries*
Being a "good" student, mother, friend, helper, do-gooder.

*does this mean I don't have to be good anymore?
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Old 05-12-2010, 09:36 PM
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I just have to say, it depends a lot on the motivation. Am I being "good" to get accepted, or am I being good because it's who I am inside. Is there a payoff, in terms of acceptance, or is it because I am simply doing what's right? It's easy, BTW, for me to lie to myself about my motivation. I tell myself I am only doing what's right, but subconsciously, I am trying to get others to see how good I am. The biggest tricks I fall for are the ones I play on myself, if you know what I mean.

As far as sarcasm goes, again I believe it's in the motivation. Am I trying to hurt someone or "put them in their place?" Or am I simply reveling in the irony of the situation? I don't think I could ever give up sarcasm. George Carlin is one of my heroes!

L
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Old 05-13-2010, 05:59 AM
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If it is all about motivation then I am screwed. I would do nothing ever if I didn't have to. I enjoy peace now. I like to exercise, cook, read and play with my dog. Boring, right. I honestly have no desire to charge out everyday and DO.

I did charge out everyday and do quite a bit, but I found that my resentment was so big after L left that I didn't want to do anymore. I think I am actually very selfish and just repressed it and did for others for so long that I never realized it.
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Old 05-13-2010, 06:45 AM
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Just to clarify, I wasn't talking about motivation to get out and join the rat race. I was talking about why we do the things we do. (i.e. be good, use sarcasm, etc.)

L
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Old 05-13-2010, 07:44 AM
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I do things mostly because I want them a certain way. Clean, cook, etc.

Of course, if I didn't do them, they wouldn't get done at all (in some cases), but in the end - no one does it the way I want it done anyway.
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Old 05-13-2010, 08:45 AM
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Oh. I think I understand what you mean about the motivation behind certain things. Like someone wants to be "good" for the approval of others or to feel superior.

Before my life fell apart 1 1/2 years ago, I was probably in that category. If I "did" the right thing in every situation, then I felt like I was superior. My about-face on that was when I felt like my life was over and I was SO angry from years of doing the right thing when others around me did not. If they were selfish and I was selfless, then I never got my needs met. This didn't work for me.

Becoming selfish or at least doing things for yourself rather than others (single and no kids to worry about) has been liberating. I explain nothing now. If I don't like something or someone, then I stop doing things with them or whatever the "thing" was. With this recipe there is little room for resentment to build. However, I do find that I cut things off quickly. Don't know if it is healthy, but at least I am no longer a doormat or resentful.
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Old 05-13-2010, 08:51 AM
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Yes, exactly. I see most of the things on that list as unhealthy patterns, but some of them are definitely gray areas depending on the situation and the motivation........

Just my opinion.

L
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Old 05-13-2010, 11:03 AM
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I was kinda struggling with the "good" part. I can sincerely say that I don't believe that I do "good" to feel superior.... BUT I am heavy handed on myself about being or doing "good" in the eyes of God....doing the right thing(s).

I'm not perfect by any means... but I try to conduct myself as if God was right next to me.... would he approve or not, etc.

This morning I was catching up on my Joyce Meyers recordings (one from 5/7) and boy did she nail it... it's not about being perfectly good... but it's about learning to accept ourselves and our short-comings...and by turning it over to God... what we cannot change (within our self)... then it's by his grace that we come to a new understanding about who we are and where we want to be.

Now where have I heard that before....

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

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