Mambo Queen

I have not been in contact since last Monday. Since that time, he has blown through the rest of his money, finally called his one sister who can still be cajoled into helping and asked if she would take him to the Salvation Army Harbor Light, which is only for 30 days and will admit you drunk, as opposed to the Salvation Army he was in last time which is 6 mos. I know this because after getting a few very worrisome vm's at my job (I can not block him there, so what I do is put my phone on forward all day, but then I have to check the messages to see if I have work related messages--and as I work in a school, he can also get to me at any time by calling the front office and asking to be connected to me--so call forward at least allows me to not have to speak to him) I did call his sisters on Monday. That's when I found out about the Sal. Army again.

Last night he called me at my work # and said that they had admitted him (they being the Sal. Army I assume) to the hospital, that he was on oxygen and I should call him.

I shouldn't, right? I mean, what a trigger for a wanting-to-rescue, wanting-him-to-still-feel-cared-about codie like me. But I'm trying to tell myself that if I always do what I've always done, you know the rest. And that I need to "be cruel to be kind" because as long as he still has any contact with me, he interprets that as having a chance with me. I still struggle though with feeling sorry for him being alone. But I think if he is alone, he will be more likely to turn to those that CAN help him, other recovering alcoholics (that aren't me). I am in a much more "accepting the advice I receive" place than I used to be, hence me FINALLY going no contact after being separated for a year-and-a-half and divorced for 6 mos, so I will listen to your advice. So bring it!

celticghirl

Definetly leave him to it,give him time to get tHe help from ppl that can give it to him.

This will only take you right back to being the caretaker and i geuss thats something you don't want.

Whether your with him while he goes through it or not he will do what he wants,and if he wants to stop then he will do it without you holding his hand.

I totally know how you feel though its very hard when they call you when they are trying to get help but at the end of the day this is something he needs to do himself.

nodaybut2day

wow, you're so brave for having this kind of resolve, especially in the face of triggering situations like his health being "in danger" (supposedly anyhow).

I agree with celticghirl...leave him alone. Don't say a think. Focus on you. Go out with friends, read a book, get a pedicure, knit a sweater...but just don't call. He needs to find his own way towards...whatever it is he's meant to go through.

You're doing great!

LaTeeDa

I fail to see the cruelty in leaving him in the hands of trained medical professionals who are administering to his needs. Have any of the efforts you put in to "helping" him in the past actually helped him? Do you think this time would be any different?

L

Freedom1990

Part of the reason for no contact is to start learning new behaviors on our road to recovery.

It's rather self-defeating to say it's no contact, and then contact a family member of his, no? It's kind of like a back door to stay in the emotional chaos.

I guess I look at cruelty differently. I think loving someone to death is closer to cruelty if you want to get down to bare bones basics. It's just disguised in a 'caring' package, if you will.

Giving someone the dignity to suffer the consequences of his/her actions is the ultimate act of love in my eyes.

What are you doing for your own recovery besides no contact? Weren't you going to therapy, or am I thinking of someone else?

Mambo Queen

I am going to therapy, have been for over a year. I also attend AA regularly and have my own sponser. I suppose contacting his sisters was stupid, but his messages really made him sound in terrible shape (which I guess he was if he was admitted to the hospital). Once I talked with them, though, I walked away from it and let them handle it. And it was good to talk with his one sister anyway, who feels like she is in the same boat with not wanting him dead but not wanting to enable him anymore either.

Freedom, I think you are the poster who has said frequently you're NC with your AD, right? Can I ask you, would you not even want to know if she was in the hospital? That's not a judgment, or a disguised criticism, I'm genuinely curious. Still trying to figure out the parameters of detachment, I guess. And of course, XAH is not my son, but he is the father of my DD.

When I said I was trying to be "cruel to be kind", I don't think I'm being cruel by leaving him in the hands of medical professionals. I meant that from his perspective, I'm sure he thinks its "cruel" that I won't talk to him even when he's hospitalized. But the thought I had about that was, if I do break NC just because he's in the hospital, he's going to know that that's the trigger that "works".

One of the problems is, is that I am going to have to have contact with him at some point (if he stays sober, that is--I don't give a crap what court orders I'm violating when he's drinking) because he is the father of my daughter. But I figure I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

LaTeeDa

Maybe he thinks that, maybe he doesn't. Maybe he thinks that he's used up all his chances with you. Maybe he thinks that he'll finally have to take responsibility for his own choices and the consequences of them. Maybe he thinks...........

None of us can ever truly know what goes on in another person's head. But, we can certainly make ourselves crazy trying to base our behavior on what WE think THEY think.

L

ItsmeAlice

I can see how keeping in touch with his family and even with him to an extent may be necessary with children involved. This would be where a heavy filter has to be in place for you.
Knowing that he is in the hospital may be important if the children need to see him or if you or the children are receiving some form of benefits/finances from his employment and his hospitalization will hinder that etc etc.
As for YOU acting on this knowledge that's where the filter comes in. You have no business being in the hospital room of your EX who has a significant track record of sucking you into his addictive behavior. You are no longer a support pillar for him and that is for both your sakes. Neither of you are suitable supports for each other's recovery. Let him be. He is in capable hands.

Alice

TakingCharge999

The Q is if you value your sanity enough to keep No contact-No contact, No contacting the family or friends either, emailing, SMS, no NOTHING (besides arranging children visits if applies). <any times when I still get involved in the drama I wonder how I manage to feel so lowly about myself, to be enmeshed in hells that are not mine to live anymore, or EVER in the first place. Missing myself and missing life and many things that I enjoy helps me get on track... Hugs MQ, life is short....

Freedom1990

Unfortunately I do have to have contact now with my AD because my 14 year old granddaughter made the choice to go live with her mother this past school year. It's important for me to have a good relationship with my granddaughter.

I've had experience with AD in the hospital. She was taken via ambulance to a hospital in Wichita after she overdosed and was found unresponsive on the floor, in front of her own kids. (That was when SRS stepped in and she lost custody of the kids.)

I was called by the grandkids' stepmother because they had been contacted by the police to come and get the kids.

I knew AD was in good hands. If it was critical, I would be contacted by someone at the hospital.

As it was, she recovered fine and was transferred to the psych unit for 48 hours before being sent home.

I would prefer to be 100% no contact with AD, but as I said, it's necessary in order to make plans/communicate with my granddaughter. My grandson will also be there the majority of the summer.

Jadmack25

He is in professional medical hands, will be counselled by folk who have been thru that pit of fire, and be with others who are in the same boat of addiction.

He has all he requires from others for recovery help, all he needs now, is for HIMSELF to want it, and grab for it.

There is nothing you can do for him, but prayer for his greatest good.

When I went NC with RABF, I prayed for him, and when awake at night I came online to SR forums, read posts and prayed for God knows how many of them and their loved ones.

Some nights I was up all night, seeing in the dawn.
Can't work professionally any more, but heck can I chat to Him for hours, and I know it does me good, pain wise....hopefully it may do others a kindness when they need it most.

God bless

Insulated

I'm kind of thinking if he's on oxygen....he won't be able to talk to you long anyways. Do what is best for you to detach. In his mind, divorcing him wasn't enough. Perhaps this is the test for severing the ties once and for all. Only you can decide.

Carol Star

I finally got to the point of asking myself....why put myself through that pain of contact again. Was I addicted to the drama? Why do it? Let go or be dragged.