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Desperate in my pain........

Old 10-08-2003, 04:05 AM
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Desperate in my pain........

This morning is filled with pain and self loathing. Last night there was a mixup and no one picked me up from the Vanpool. I was suppose to meet my daughter at the Vet at 5:45 yesterday. I rode the vanpool to work and left my car at the drop off point. My husband picked up my car to go apply for a job. He was supposed to tell my daughter to pick me up at the vanpool before going to the vet as I didn't have a car. He spent the afternoon drinking and when my daughter came home at 5:30 to pick up the cat he started yelling at her about being late(which she wasn't) and that she was defying him. But he didn't tell her to pick me up at the vanpool and she didn't notice that my car was at the house(thereby having no way to meet her). She went to the vet wondered where I was and then went home again. By the time she got home hubby was gone drinking again.

When I got to the vanpool drop off and realized no one was there to pick me up I got angry immediately. I hate being left stranded and waiting when I am the one paying for all the vehicles! I didn't have my cell phone on me because I leave it home for hubby. I waited a few miniutes and then thought I should walk to the vet because there has been some mixup. But I didn't because I wanted to make a point about being left waiting. I wanted to be a martyer. Then I called home and spoke with hubby. He was angry and screaming, he said that my daughter had defied him and was late but she was on her way. I asked if he told her to pick me up at the vanpool. He didn't respond because he was yelling about her defing him. So I waited for a few more minutes. Then I knew for sure that she didn't get the message and I should have started walking then. But I was mad and half crazy I guess about making my point. Now another thing I could have done was drive the Van to the vet or home. I am an authorized driver and we are allowed so many driver miles. But again I wanted to make my point. After an hour and a half I drove the van home. My daughter was there but hubby was not. I screamed at daughter and she kept saying it wasn't her fault. I couldn't stop screaming. We took the van back to the drop off point and came back home.

She had done a good job at the vet with the new kitten, but she didn't have the shot information because I had it with me. We could have gone back to the vet and straightened it all out but I was so out of control. Then my daughter went to a friends house.

My husband came home around 9pm on his motorcycle very drunk. I KNEW that I should not even speak to him about the mixup when he was like that, but I couldn't control myself. I am truely crazy. When I asked him if he told my daughter to pick me up he started screaming all kinds of stuff about how irresponsible she is etc. I then couldn't quit and went into the living room and started harping about how he never told her to pick me up. He continued screaming and started walking away from me. I held his arm and he pushed me away saying don't put your hands on me. Then he went into my daughter's room trying to get away from me. I followed him and he pushed me down and went into the room and closed the door. Finally I came to my senses and walked away to my room and called an Alanon friend.

While on the phone he was screaming about me and calling me foul names and my daughter too. My daughter came home briefly and then decided to spend the night at a friends. My son came home briefly and then went out again too as his dad was yelling at him. All this time the windows were open so the neighbors could hear both me screaming at my daughter and hubby screaming at me.

So here I am. At work early because I couldn't sleep, eyes swollen and looking like heck. Feeling like the most stupid person to walk the planet. I know I need to separate from this person. I am just not sure that I can. I feel like a weak peice of trash. I have been in alanon long enough to know that things will only get mush worse. I feel remorse about my part in this, my need to be right and to make them pay. If only I had calmly walked to the vet in the begining. I pray for guidance and strength but the answers and strength don't come. I am desperate this morning.
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Old 10-08-2003, 05:56 AM
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Rose,

You did these things knowing better...denial is gone. You knew it was wrong and did it anyway. That is the biggest cause of your remorse.

I want to feel proud when I wake up in the morning, so that is my motivation to behave in a way that causes me no regret. That is why I don't get caught up in the drama...it is all about taking care of me.

There are no lost causes in Al Anon...I think your fear of change is holding you back even tho that change may make your life infinitely more happy. Everyone has a bottom...even you.

Take care,
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Old 10-08-2003, 06:38 AM
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Yes, I knew it was wrong, knew I was being crazy. And I know what I must do. And I am not a lost cause. I pray for the strength to face my fear and do what must be done. I take responsibility for being where I am.
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Old 10-08-2003, 08:19 AM
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Hi Rose...

Are you able to discuss what you are afraid of when you start thinking about breaking it off with this man? What are you afraid of losing? Encountering? If you can't talk to us about it, maybe write it down for yourself. You may need to identify your fears before you can fight them.

Hugs,
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Old 10-08-2003, 09:17 AM
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I am afraid of being alone and not being loved. I have friends and sisters that love me but if he leaves I will be alone most of the time. My children are very independant now and not home much.
I am afraid of being responsible for his demise. I am afraid that things will get worse for him and that I will feel that there was something else I could have done to prevent it.
I am afraid that no one else will ever love me and accept me as he has. I am afraid that without this love and acceptance I will wither and die.
I am afraid of loosing part of my identity, my ancher to the real world. I am afraid of losing my defination.
I am afraid of going without hugs and affection.
I am afraid of making a big mistake. I am afraid I will be just as unhappy without him or even more unhappy.
I am afraid of giving up my only chance at having a good life.
I am afraid of change.
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Old 10-08-2003, 09:24 AM
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I have asked him for 3-4 weeks apart so that we can think about what to do next. He has agreed to go to Fl. I am about to make his reservation for tomorrow morning.
We talked and agree that our life is unacceptable the way it is. I told him I don't know what to do to make it any better, I have tried everything I know. I told him I accept some responsibility for everything that has happened and I don't think he is a bad person or the bad guy.
I don't want him to go to Fl because it will cause his parents stress. But that is his choice.
I am trying to turn this over to God every minute today. I told God that I will do whatever he directs me to do, that I give up trying to make it work. I am trying to trust God that he will respond to me in a way I can hear. I am praying for a clear direction. Please that I may hear it. I also pray for the strength to carry it through.
I pray that God remove my remorse about last night, please allow me a measure of self acceptance and forgiveness.
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Old 10-08-2003, 09:37 AM
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Why are you making HIS reservation? I would think that if HE wants to go to FL, then HE should make the arrangements.

I read your posts and feel badly about how you are feeling. Please accept my hopes for a better tomorrow.....

Hugs...
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Old 10-08-2003, 09:42 AM
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Oh Rose,

I am so sorry for what you are feeling. In your list of fears I think that maybe the one that is holding you back the most is just the fear of change. It is so hard to face the unknown. See if you can look at things in a different light. How about the joy of not being treated the way you have been. How about the peace of spending quality time by yourself or with your kids or friends. How about the fact that your kids wouldn't feel the need to leave the house and stay somewhere else because they can't stand the rages and the turmoil. For every negative that you see for leaving this relationship, see what the other side looks like. Maybe this will help you to make that decision. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Deep breaths. Think about "positive" change.

Hugs, Jo
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Old 10-08-2003, 11:01 AM
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((((rose))) darlin'
i can relate with many of your fears especialy change.
I was thinking how much my life has changed since alanon
and its been so much better then the old me. I have had many slips too as our behavior is compaired to the alcoholic who
returns to the bottle. But, we must be encouraged to continue to move on, make ammends for our part and forgive ourselves.
we're only human you know.
whatever your decisions, try not to make them out of anger
but with a clear mind letting your HP show you the way.
many hugs
liddy
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Old 10-08-2003, 11:32 AM
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Thanks all, the only thing I know for sure is I am going to an open AA/Alanon meeting tonight. God will point the way.
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Old 10-08-2003, 01:04 PM
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Hi (((Rose)))

You seem to be on the right track despite the fall. I'm sure you'll learn a great deal from this experience. I know I always have.

Through many similar situations I learnt that by punishing other people I only punish myself. It's no use I had to let go of their shortcomings and work on mine if I wanted a better, more peaceful life. It's so painful living in constant war.

I am grateful that Al-Anon never says we should leave someone. I think that only after a great deal of recovery can we make a sane decision about leaving or not leaving. And by that time many things change.

In the meantime all we can do is to do something nice for ourselves - it always helps brighten up a difficult day.

So good luck Rose and take care
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Old 10-08-2003, 03:20 PM
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Rose

Big, huge, comforting hugs to you. There, see? You won't have to go without hugs if you and the spouse part company.
Seriously, I can relate to your explosive behavior. I had many a day like that while I was still living with an active alcoholic. It's a family disease, remember? So you slipped up and acted in a way that you wish you hadn't. That is now officially in the past, let it go and concentrate on what you can do "just for today". I think your trial seperation is a good idea. It will give you both an idea of what living apart will be like. And you might be surprised by how much more peaceful it is in your house with him gone.
As for your fears, you are only human honey. Many of us fear being alone and not having a significant other in our lives. Many of us think it's better to stay with someone "problematic" than to be on our own. This is a decision that you have to make over time. That is why I think the trial seperation is a good thing. Maybe while you two are apart, you can think about how you could make the relationship better if you stay together. Have you considered marriage counseling? This might sound weird, but if he won't agree to that, you can see a marriage counselor by yourself.
I will say a prayer for you, it sounds like you are hurting a lot right now, and I'm sorry to hear that. And you will never be alone, because you have all of your friends here at SR who care about you very much.
Peace,
Gabe
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Old 10-08-2003, 03:26 PM
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Rose, Please consider yourself hugged....

All this happened yesterday...It's done, It's over! Now you can decide to go forward. Beating yourself up anymore will do no one any good .. Working the program brings me to the Three A's, and the things I can change.

AWARENESS ( of me and my actions)

ACCEPTANCE ( of my humanness in any given situation)

ACTION; now comes the time for you to review all the things you can change.

....There's the "boogy man" word......CHANGE! I used to be so afraid of the change that I got lost in FEAR...

Let me assure you Rose YOU ARE WORTH the journey....You DO NOT need a MAN to be a whole person... YOUR H.P. made you complete without being attached at the hip with anyone.

....Yes, your children maybe independent but we are only previleged observors in our children's lives to begin with...

Please ask yourself this question; HOW MUCH OF ME AM I WILLING TO GIVE UP TO HAVE THIS PERSON IN MY LIFE?

Only you have the anwser to that question Rose...There is NO judgement on my part....

I believe that two people living in the same house should "JOY" in each other's company and if that isn't possible for me atleast 50% of the time I NEED TO MAKE SOME CHANGES FOR ME...

Some pain is nessary for my spiritual growth but misrey is optional...misery is a choice I make....I choose NOT to be miserible anymore. (Most of the time anyway, LOL I do try to work an honest program)

So Keep the focus on you and what you need to take the next step FORWARD on YOUR journey....You just may find that YOUR company is pretty darn good company to have...

I leave you with love, prayers and the hopes that you take what you can use and leave the rest.

Last edited by Daffodil; 10-08-2003 at 03:36 PM.
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Old 10-08-2003, 03:48 PM
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I am afraid of giving up my only chance at having a good life.
I am interested in your definition of a good life. And why not making a change is your only chance.

Isn't it true that what you have today is not happy? So change would be absolutely required to make it good. There are many ways to bring about change. Splitting is just one of them. There is only one goal tho, that is serenity...peace within the storm.

Hugs,
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Old 10-08-2003, 04:11 PM
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Rose, my earlier post may have been abrupt, but I do not have gift of expressing myself in written wors..
what i would like to say is: we are all human!!!Imperfect!!! so you lost.. Oh well, vent your feeling here and it will help you get over your bad feelings and move on. As Ann Landers or Dear Abby used to say"put the wet noodle back!!"(or something like that)
I know I usually feel better after a good gripe session!!

It's also that your comment about making his reservation hit me in the face-KERPOW!!!! If he's the one going, he should make his own plans. That's just my thought.

Anyway, best of luck and I hope you can get yourself back up and running soon!!!!
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Old 10-08-2003, 07:20 PM
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[BIG HUG] to you, Rose,

Please realize that MANY of us have those exact same fears at any given time. I've had MANY of the fears you mention. But they are just that... fear of what MIGHT, MIGHT happen! And isn't there a saying out there, that 90% of your worst fears never come true anyway! Time spent worrying about these things does nothing but BREAK YOUR SPIRIT and your HP does NOT want you to spend your time worrying and hurting.

When my fears start driving me crazy, I stop in my tracks. I sit down. I tell myself, "Ok, so this is what I'm afraid of right now." (If I'm lucky, I can tell a friend, but usually this happens at night so I'm alone). Then I remind myself, "Fine. It's totally OK that I'm afraid and have these fears."

Then I turn it over to my HP. I say, "Lord, I just can't stand worrying about these things. I'm turning my fears over to you. Please put me on the right path and make me strong. I promise to move forward and trust You even though I'm afraid."

Please don't berate yourself about losing your temper. Who hasn't done that? Better though to plan ahead of time how you will react, what you will say when he starts his next crazy behavior. Anything but exploding. Even if you have to leave the room/house to cool down and take deep breaths. Staying calm yourself will help keep anything from escalating that way, and it takes two to argue.

Just my thoughts. Have a good night tonight,

Hugs to you,
Kate
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Old 10-09-2003, 05:20 AM
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Thanks all for your thoughts, I am feeling a bit better this morning. Funny l spent a lot of time praying yesterday and near the end of the day I was getting out of my car when I pulled a muscle in my left butt/hip. Boy does it hurt especially when I move a certain way. I was thinking about this and it reminded me of Jacob in the Bible, when he wrestled with God and God put his left hip out of joint. Perhaps I am wrestling with God.

I went to my first open AA meeting last night. I felt impatient listening to them talk about their struggles in the begining of getting sober. I found it hard to relate to their experience. I will keep going to this meeting as it may help me to better understand where he is coming from. Perhaps I was feeling so much pain I needed an Alanon meeting instead.

I will talk to him again today about the separation. I have prayed repeatedly about this asking for direction. I hope I get something clear. I am leaning toward asking him to leave so we can take some time to decide what to do next, or what we want. I mean I know that I want more peace in my life and I don't know that I would have that even if he gets sober, which seems unlikely. I feel an urgency about not letting this go and just going on the way it has been. I don't want the same old thing. Asking him to leave is hard because I know that will be a hardship for him. I know that he should be responsible for himself, but I find it hard to make him leave and face the music. Even though I know it would be better for me.

SDP, don't worry about your comments about the reservation, you are right. It is just that he has no money, doesn't know how to use the computer and if I leave it to him it won't happen. Oh and I would have to give him some money(that I don't have) to make this appen too. Crazy I know.

JT, yes serenity is what I need to have a good life. Looking back over my past, I have never had serenity. One bad situation after another. And me always struggling along. Just for today.......
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Old 10-09-2003, 09:21 AM
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(((((Hugs for Rose))))))))

Just for today I wish you peace
Just for today I wish you serenity
Just for today I send you love
Just for today may you find the eye of the storm.
It's only for today because tomorrow will
take care of itself.

You might go to today's readings Rose for the words of clear direction you are seeking...

Love and prayers
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Old 10-09-2003, 10:11 AM
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**{Rose}}

"I deserve to be happy."

How comfortable are you with saying that phrase? Because it is true.

Try saying it to yourself a few times. Try thinking about what it really means. What would it take to change your life just enough for you to be happy?

Now remember, you can't change HIM.
Nope, you can't. That's the one we always want to say first. But alas, that one is not an option. Al Anon can help you see that, if you haven't already. It's an important one to KNOW to be true.

Going to AA is good to get an understanding of what he is fighting, but just so you aren't trying to find answers to help him fight it. I would strongly recommend Al Anon meetings for yourself.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.

I like to read this to remind myself I must accept I cannot change him, and I need to find the courage to change the things I can.

I understand that change is scary. But it is also the blessed gift of 'choice' we have in our lives. When I think of all the cultures and eras where there wasn't always choice...

You have choices, Rose. And our children learn how to make choices by watching us. If they were in your situation, what choices would you want them to make?
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Old 10-09-2003, 10:59 AM
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Rose,

I strongly recommend Al-Anon instead. It helps you stop placing too much focus on HIM, on what might happen to HIM, how this might affect HIM. If anything, it sounds like you're already way tuned in too much to possible effects on HIM. In Al-Anon, you're encouraged to start thinking about what is best for YOU (and the rest of your family). It helps keep you in balance.

Sounds like you are leaning toward a separation as the best thing right now for YOU. This isn't selfish. It's called survival.
I personally don't think his opinion about it would hold any weight, since he is the one with the addiction. If he were thinking clearly, this wouldn't be happening in the first place.

You said, "I know that I want more peace in my life and I don't know that I would have that even if he gets sober."
The ultimate goal, at least for me, is to have peace, WHETHER OR NOT HE EVER GETS SOBER.

You also said, "Asking him to leave is hard because I know that will be a hardship for him."
You are already suffering hardship at the hands of someone else's addiction. Hopefully, you will begin to keep the focus on YOU. Also, have you read the materials on "Enabling?"

Sorry to hear about your pulled muscle. I hope it relaxes. Don't forget to relax your mind also today, maybe some meditation or a little nap! Serenity can be found every day in just a few moments of deep relaxation that you yourself create. Take deep breaths inhaling into your stomach, and your body and mind will relax.

Hugs,
kate
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