Hello Everyone!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 69
Hello Everyone!
Well, it has been about 8 days since I have been on here or looked at anything.
I fell into a sort of depression state and I couldn't take much of anything and I couldn't even read about other alcoholics or anything. I felt as though I possibly was going to lose my mind and possibly going to fail and let him back because it seemed easier than fighting the guilt, sadness, anger and even the alcoholic.
Well, needless to say, I no longer feel that way. Thank goodness. I also have cried more the last 8 days than I have in 4 years. I truly think I needed that.
The update: There isn't much of one. He still calls, still texts. I still answer, still respond (on occasion). He has no job still. Daddy is still putting him up in the motel. He swears he has not been drinking as much and actually, the texts and calls have been less and less daily.
But either way, I don't care. If he wants to drink, then he can drink. If he doesn't want to drink, then he can stop. IF he doesn't have a job, he'll figure it out.
I testify against him on Monday. Still never sent in the subpoena like a dumb a$$, so last night I was served. Which scared the living crap out of me since they did it at about 9:30 pm and I freak out if there is anybody knocking on my door at night. I always planned on having to go but I, for some reason, could not bring myself to put that stupid thing in the mailbox. So, they did it for me so to say. It is really going to suck and I am trying to take it day by day and not think about it until I have to go but it is weighing heavy on me.
I'm to a numb stage now. At this point, I don't care anymore what happens to him. One minute I hope he goes to jail, the next I don't and now I just don't care anymore. I am just going to tell them the truth and whatever the jury decides is what is going to happen.
He started getting to the point where he was apologetic and telling me he wants to be my friend and all of that and I found myself screaming, crying, telling him everything he has done wrong EVERY single time. Finally, I think my brain told me that this is making me crazy and mean and that is not the person I want to be.
He called me last night and told me about his brother's roommate and how she has a huge crush on him. I think he wanted me to respond in a jealous way and all I said was "Well, that is cool. I am going to bed" and the whole time I was thinking: PLEASE, PLEASE hook up with her... PLEASE!
Anyways, just wanted to say "hi", give a quick update and now I have A LOT of reading to do to catch up.
Hope you all are well!
I fell into a sort of depression state and I couldn't take much of anything and I couldn't even read about other alcoholics or anything. I felt as though I possibly was going to lose my mind and possibly going to fail and let him back because it seemed easier than fighting the guilt, sadness, anger and even the alcoholic.
Well, needless to say, I no longer feel that way. Thank goodness. I also have cried more the last 8 days than I have in 4 years. I truly think I needed that.
The update: There isn't much of one. He still calls, still texts. I still answer, still respond (on occasion). He has no job still. Daddy is still putting him up in the motel. He swears he has not been drinking as much and actually, the texts and calls have been less and less daily.
But either way, I don't care. If he wants to drink, then he can drink. If he doesn't want to drink, then he can stop. IF he doesn't have a job, he'll figure it out.
I testify against him on Monday. Still never sent in the subpoena like a dumb a$$, so last night I was served. Which scared the living crap out of me since they did it at about 9:30 pm and I freak out if there is anybody knocking on my door at night. I always planned on having to go but I, for some reason, could not bring myself to put that stupid thing in the mailbox. So, they did it for me so to say. It is really going to suck and I am trying to take it day by day and not think about it until I have to go but it is weighing heavy on me.
I'm to a numb stage now. At this point, I don't care anymore what happens to him. One minute I hope he goes to jail, the next I don't and now I just don't care anymore. I am just going to tell them the truth and whatever the jury decides is what is going to happen.
He started getting to the point where he was apologetic and telling me he wants to be my friend and all of that and I found myself screaming, crying, telling him everything he has done wrong EVERY single time. Finally, I think my brain told me that this is making me crazy and mean and that is not the person I want to be.
He called me last night and told me about his brother's roommate and how she has a huge crush on him. I think he wanted me to respond in a jealous way and all I said was "Well, that is cool. I am going to bed" and the whole time I was thinking: PLEASE, PLEASE hook up with her... PLEASE!
Anyways, just wanted to say "hi", give a quick update and now I have A LOT of reading to do to catch up.
Hope you all are well!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Bet I can guess who got to sleep that night, and who was awake wondering where he went wrong. I had to laugh, sorry love, but really!!! Here is Mr Bozo telling you about this bird fancying him, expecting to get you riled up, jealous and demand he return to you....and what does he get instead?
"Well, that is cool. I am going to bed"
You know just how much those "I am sorries" mean to him, and haven't been taken in by his apologies, so hang on for the next round of attempts to suck you back.
Be proud of yourself for standing up to the cr*p and know you will get stronger each day, whereas he will diminish and become more desperate. This is his path, the one he chose and he needs to walk it alone.....while you skip down your path to freedom.
God bless
"Well, that is cool. I am going to bed"
You know just how much those "I am sorries" mean to him, and haven't been taken in by his apologies, so hang on for the next round of attempts to suck you back.
Be proud of yourself for standing up to the cr*p and know you will get stronger each day, whereas he will diminish and become more desperate. This is his path, the one he chose and he needs to walk it alone.....while you skip down your path to freedom.
God bless
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 69
Thank you Jadmack!
It was rough there for a bit and 8 days felt like 8 months and I shut myself off from anybody or any help. But in that time, I also learned a lot about me and I learned that I am more angry than I ever thought I could be, I learned I needed to scream and cry sometimes because that lifted a lot of crap I have been holding in for quite sometime and I learned that I will NOT let myself live this way anymore.
The most important thing I learned is that I pretty much rock.
But Seriously, I like being with myself very much. And I am capable of way more than I thought. I took the bumper off my car, sanded out some rust on the body that was driving me nuts which is why I did it in the first place, bondo-ed it, primered it and painted it, reattached the bumper and it looks REALLY good. If he was around, I would have never even attempted such a task. And I did it without any help at all!
His apologies, they are crap. His wanting to be my friend, total crap. His "I'm not drinking much anymore", total crap (how many effing times have I heard this one?!).
I'm sick and tired. Fed up. I humor him and I don't even feel bad about it anymore. When I don't answer, I don't feel bad about it anymore. The guilt is slowly but surely subsiding.
I have not yet felt this way so I am hoping this might be the next step to actually recovering.
This is his path, the one he chose and he needs to walk it alone.....while you skip down your path to freedom.
And I cannot wait to be skipping!
It was rough there for a bit and 8 days felt like 8 months and I shut myself off from anybody or any help. But in that time, I also learned a lot about me and I learned that I am more angry than I ever thought I could be, I learned I needed to scream and cry sometimes because that lifted a lot of crap I have been holding in for quite sometime and I learned that I will NOT let myself live this way anymore.
The most important thing I learned is that I pretty much rock.
But Seriously, I like being with myself very much. And I am capable of way more than I thought. I took the bumper off my car, sanded out some rust on the body that was driving me nuts which is why I did it in the first place, bondo-ed it, primered it and painted it, reattached the bumper and it looks REALLY good. If he was around, I would have never even attempted such a task. And I did it without any help at all! His apologies, they are crap. His wanting to be my friend, total crap. His "I'm not drinking much anymore", total crap (how many effing times have I heard this one?!).
I'm sick and tired. Fed up. I humor him and I don't even feel bad about it anymore. When I don't answer, I don't feel bad about it anymore. The guilt is slowly but surely subsiding.
I have not yet felt this way so I am hoping this might be the next step to actually recovering.
This is his path, the one he chose and he needs to walk it alone.....while you skip down your path to freedom.
And I cannot wait to be skipping!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
You have been thru a dark time, and learned to listen to yourself, to get to know what you feel and why you feel these things.
Your work on the car showed you just how awesome you are, and you don't need him, or anyone to "help the little lady with man things".
This comment was once made to me, as I cleaned and serviced my old Hillman, something I did regularly....I could have bashed him to pieces, mainly because he was a lazy, drunken, abusive loudmouth. His trying to put me in my place, was the last time he ever stepped foot on my property, but his battered wife and kids were there a few times, til he finally got ordered away from them.
It will be easier as you go, to let him be free and thus free yourself of those things that still hold you to him. One day it will be the time, and you will cut those ties and both will be able to take their own paths.
Practice skipping Mishaco.
God bless
Your work on the car showed you just how awesome you are, and you don't need him, or anyone to "help the little lady with man things".
This comment was once made to me, as I cleaned and serviced my old Hillman, something I did regularly....I could have bashed him to pieces, mainly because he was a lazy, drunken, abusive loudmouth. His trying to put me in my place, was the last time he ever stepped foot on my property, but his battered wife and kids were there a few times, til he finally got ordered away from them.
It will be easier as you go, to let him be free and thus free yourself of those things that still hold you to him. One day it will be the time, and you will cut those ties and both will be able to take their own paths.
Practice skipping Mishaco.
God bless
Persevere, Never give up!
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Stellenbosch, South Africa
Posts: 882
Keeping Your Joy - People look for joy in the wrong places - The joy of the presence of GOD is the one that lasts forever! - ''In thy presence is the fullness of joy at thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore'' Ps. 16 v 11 - GOD is a GOD of joy! - So we need to start by finding HIM and knowing HIM! - We might not keep our friends but we will keep our joys! keep on skipping. blessings and hugs
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