ksumm77

I am new to Al-Anon and posted my story on here just the other day. (So if you need to reference it to answer this.) I have only been to a handful of Al-Anon meetings, so I know that before I make any decision I need to attend at least 6 meetings. My husband attends AA and has been sober for almost 1 year. Prior to him I did have several relationships with alcoholics. As I sit in the meetings, though, I don't find myself feeling guilty, ashamed, afraid and I'm not a people pleaser. I was not put down with insults by my family or by any of the men in my life. In sitting in the meetings, some things I relate to, but a lot of it, I'm sitting there and thinking to myself, I can't identify with that, that never happened to me, I've never felt like that. However, I do know that I was the "beer police" when my husband was drinking, I did search through his items because I thought he was lieing to me (which he was a lot in the past, not now), when he was drinking I was very concerned about him. I also know that I must have some type of problem since I've continued to date men who are alcoholics, but I just can't seem to figure it out. Maybe I am approaching this wrong or maybe this is how some people are when they come into Al Anon.

wanting

I personally think that there are two types of codependents. There's the guilty people-pleaser type that you mentioned, and then there's the angry beer-police. I was the angry beer-police. What both types have in common is that they lose themselves and/or neglect themselves while focusing on someone else's problems. I had to figure out why it was so comfortable for me to focus on someone else's problems. I had a lot of my own issues that were easier to ignore when I could point the finger at someone else.

You might like the book, "Codependent No More." I had sort of a hard time relating with people in Al-Anon, but when I opened that book, I was like, "Holy crap, this is me."

coffeedrinker

not sure, but i know you will get some answers, as you are seeking. i also know there are a lot of smart folks on this site.

for me - i was not put down by my parents, or any partner either. yet i have chosen addicts as my sig. others.

for me - i guess i think i was emotionally neglected as a young person. i can't remember my dad going to any of my school things, unless he was also in them (a school music teacher). i know i was not nurtured in the way i should have been - my parents were out there trying (uncuccessfully) to get their own needs met! and this somehow has something to do with me ending up with the kinds of men that i have.

have you considered therapy to get more answers?

DMC

I felt much like you - my STBXAH was never abusive, he just didn't do ANYTHING.

I was also beer police for some time. I mostly Al-Anon as a reflector to assure myself that I wasn't crazy. I had never been in a relationship with an alcoholic, and he wasn't an alcoholic when we met, or dated. It happened sometime later (we sort of grew up together). I haven't been to a meeting in awhile now, partly because I moved and have a crazy schedule, partly because I am free of the chaos... and this forum works better for me.

I have found that these forums crystallized things a little better. I put up with his drinking because I had a much bigger focus in my life - bigger than me, bigger than my marriage. Once that 7-year ordeal was finished, I stepped back and said "whoa - what happened??" And although I was miserable before, I put up with it because I sort of had to. Now, I am not putting up with it anymore, filed for divorce and live is 300% better.

He's still in denial. I don't care.
Good luck,
D

naive

hi-

i can't say that i feel guilty or ashamed either. what i feel is used and manipulatated actually. i don't feel guilty because i was lied to and i was a bit naive about this disease.

what helped me was (of course, sober recovery) and attending open AA meetings, where i could educate myself about this disease.

lucky for you yours is in AA for a year. many of us would be delighted if that had happened. perhaps open AA meetings with your man might help?

naive

ksumm77

I know I just posted this original post, I just wanted to give an update. The longer I am on here and reading posts, I realize that I can relate. Also, I had a dream the other night that my husband relapsed. I didn't say anything to anyone about my dream. Last night, I realize that I was harboring this deep. My husband's dad still drinks and my husband always goes over to see him on his days off. Of course there is alcohol at his dad's house and I have voiced my concern of this. Last night, my husband came back from being at his dad's and I all my old routines came back into play (the suspiciousness, trying to smell his breath, etc). I just want to move forward and not backwards!

Catkill23

I'm in AA, in recovery for about a year, it seems alanon may be helpful for individuals which like drama in their lives. Me being sober now, I never liked drama. So it may be helpful for the AlAnon to realize there's more to life then drama. Meaning enjoy life without the material world, as this is what the recovering alchoholic should be doing.

Peter

For somebody who don't like drama, that seems a rather dramatic statement to be making in an anon forum....

Summerpeach

LTD, Anvil, who's taking this one? ;-)

Sit in a few al anon meetings and then you'll have a right to your input

Bernadette

Catkill have you ever been to an AlAnon meeting?
Keep an open mind.
It's probably not at all what you think, nor are its members all into drama! Not at all. Check out a meeting or two, I bet you'd respond differently!

It's really great that you can say you never liked drama. Well good for you. So what? We all define "drama" differently. I would guess alcoholics and those who love and try to cope with alcoholics in their lives would have some very different interpretations of just what constitutes "drama!"

ksumm77, I was uncomfortable and could not completely relate to AlAnon at first, but I just kept going and following directions and I learned so much and changed so much! I really needed some of those tools, and I didn;t know how much until I got to those meetings! It can be quite a journey!

Good luck.
peace-
b