Doning the B**** Mantle
 

Hi SR family,

I'm experiencing a bit of cowardice/fear today, as I embark on yet another leg of my journey to finalize my divorce from AH. This week-end, I discussed the issue of obtaining child support with my family and friends, and came to the conclusion that there's no point in trying to delay what needs to happen in order to shelter AH or try to prevent him from having a blow-up. I spent my entire marriage doing just that, and now, as we're getting divorced, it's time I stopped.

So I asked the lawyer to proceed with sending his employer a subpoena. She agreed with me that in the end, no matter what we do, it'll have to come to this. Whether this causes AH to spiral downwards into more drinking or into further bouts of poor parenting to his son, or whether it causes him to somehow find recovery and become a better parent is not my responsibility. I've already been told by many people that I really have no choice when it comes to obtaining CS... In a way, I'm discovering a new aspect of "No under my control".

Furthermore, my lawyer confirmed to me that the judgment I obtained leaves all visitation at my discretion (!). So, if I want to stop facilitating visitation, I can. If I want to change the visitation to a day other than Sunday, I can. Obviously, there can't be "no visitation" because AH has a legal right to see his child, but anything more than the 3.5 hrs a week he currently has, he needs to petition the courts for it. I doubt he'll go to the trouble of doing that. Heck, I wonder if visitation will continue at all if I told him I'm not driving DD anymore.

Now, as great as that is, it does put the onus on me to say "No" to AH and to put a copy of the judgment right under his nose when he protests. This is where I start shaking in my boots. Obviously, I don't look forward to any contact with AH, but since we've established an easy peace, I'm REALLY not looking forward to anything that would disturb that peace. But, it seems HP is pushing me to don the b*tch mantle once again--since I *know* that doing all this will make me very unpopular, and to accept responsibility for things that will rock the boat.

I guess I just need some courage today.

Hang in there, noday. He needs to understand (or not) that this is all part of divorce and it's not YOU doing anything personally to HIM. He is responsible for helping to support his child whether or not he chooses to be a part of the child's life. Go ahead and do what you have to do. He doesn't have to like it.

I feel exactly the same as you, noday. I HATE to engage in conflict with my estranged H.
He owes me a bunch of mone and I know that my mere asking for it - through attorneys even - will render him furious and impossible to deal with.

I guess all we can do is state our needs clearly - by subpoena, attorney letter, etc. and let HIM choose how he wishes to react to our

legitimate
honest
necessary

requests. Plus, it's not for US. It is the children's right to be supported. It really isn't even our right not to enforce it on their behalf.

Hang in there. You are doing this for your daughter.

I read this and see the steps moving forward.

there's no point in trying to delay what needs to happen in order to shelter AH or try to prevent him from having a blow-up. I spent my entire marriage doing just that, and now, as we're getting divorced, it's time I stopped.


Then I read this and I see you taking steps back.

but since we've established an easy peace, I'm REALLY not looking forward to anything that would disturb that peace.

Anvil is right! You're fears have not been proven with action on your AH's part. Only pitiful quacking.

The peace you are seeking should be for you and your child. Keep that vow to yourself and stop seeking peace between you and AH. He's not seeking the same thing. If he was you wouldn't be here.

Keep moving forward. Keep loving your DD. Keep faith in you and your higher power.

You will get through this and wonder why you ever hesitated at all in the process!

I have so much pride in you and your progress!!

Alice

Yes, of course, you are all right. I guess I needed to read the responses to reinforce my own beliefs and give me some added resolve, as I lob this last grenade over to AH's camp. Everything is already in motion anyway; it's just a question of composing myself in the event of a minor apocalypse.

i guess what i'm wondering is does your little girl benefit from interacting with her dad?

or, is it distressing for her?

is he a positive influence of a loving parent or is it stressful for her? how is she after she sees him? what is her mood?

and, i certainly wouldn't be driving her to see him. he can make his own way. you already have enough on your plate without pulling his weight too.

so, if he wants to see her, he can get his butt over there, wherever you decide "there" is.

and i agree with anvil, he quacks a lot but in the end, does nothing. it appears you can count on that...

sorry you are feeling unsettled...from where i sit, you are doing marvelous!

naive

Noday....this loudmouth wimp, does nothing he says he will do. I also would love to know just how close he and daughter are, from her side I mean....as he doesn't appear in any great desperate need to see her. Visitation in the past has seemed to me to be more about him getting up YOUR nose, making life difficult for YOU...not seeing or spending time with his daughter.

If taking action to secure money you are entitled to, makes you a "b*tch, so be it. What it makes AH is something else.

God bless

http://i532.photobucket.com/albums/e...cies/fy120.jpg

Naive...at first, the visits were painful for all involved. DD was confused but she recognized the apartment. It was even harder when AH forbade me from coming inside so he would just show up at the car, yank DD out of her carseat and walk off. DD was petrified. It was worse when he shaved his head and DD didn't recognize him at al.

In the past two months, I've started taking DD out of the car before the visit and playing with her in front of AH's apartment, to get her a bit more comfortable. She actually runs into the building and seems happy to see AH. On Sunday mornings, when I mention to her that we're going to see daddy, she grabs her socks and shoes and waits at the door...so she must remember who he is.

She returns from the visits seemingly happy, though dirty and hungry, and sometimes, she's very aggressive. I think she emulates her brother, who's into a lot of rough play.

If it weren't for DD's positive reaction to the visit, I wouldn't be so cooperative, but I don't want to cut her off of someone she's happy to see.

Yes, now that I have the judgment granting me custody, I can stop facilitating visitation. I'd been doing the driving to show that I wasn't trying to cut AH out of DD's life, but I'd also been doing it because I go to dance tango 10 minutes away from AH's place, and I thought I'd save DD the long subway ride over to her father's place. But, I can see my codie tendencies peeking out, so I guess that's another thing that needs modifying.