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My OWN guilt gets to me!

Old 05-09-2010, 06:40 PM
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My OWN guilt gets to me!

SO....I posted the letter I wrote to AH, and his responses. Now here it is..my guilt, which I know is in my head and I have to own! Why is it that although I KNOW that I am doing the right thing......that the reality of it is SO hard. I don't want to hurt my AH...but I really can't live with him the way it is - so how do I come to terms with what I feel and my guilt???? The list I get that...why I have to do it. WHen I have doubts I just go look at all the posts I have written here in the past year...then I remember how painful our relationship has been and how I can't go on that way!!!
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Old 05-09-2010, 07:28 PM
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From my Alanon book Courage to Change

"al-anon has shown me another way of living, and I like it.
Life can either be a burden and a chore or a challenge and a joy.
One day at a time I can meet the challenges of life head-on instead of head-down." As We Understood


Right now you are head-down with guilt and concern for your A's feelings.
He is responsible for his feelings. You are not responsible for his feelings of hurt or his feelings of joy or his feelings of pride or his feelings of depression. You didn't Cause It. You can't Control It.

You are taking steps, one day at a time, to get to a healthier place for you. You are important. Your life is important. Your needs are important.
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Old 05-09-2010, 08:00 PM
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for me, the neediness of being loved, wanted, or needed, caused me to lose myself, and not set boundaries. the other person was always more important. so i would twist myself, do things against my value system (sometimes), not express my anger - all in an attempt to not make him angry, not make him react, not make him not love me. so it makes sense that when i did stand up for myself, i would feel guilt, because there was this little voice inside telling me i was doing something wrong. i mean, i knew in my head it wasn't wrong, but it was counter to what i was used to doing: putting him first, even if that meant doing things that weren't good, right, or smart.

we have to relearn, reprogram ourselves. one day it will start to feel more comfortable, then another day it will feel normal. then one day, you won't be able to believe how you used to be.
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Old 05-09-2010, 09:11 PM
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I so agree with the other posters on this one. I forever battled guilt with my ex. I can't believe how amazing my life is now that he is gone. I swear....I didn't think I would survive, get out it and move on but watching how pathetic he was in that court room was like the closing of that chapter. My divorce was a blessing.

Almost 2 years later and I have remarried (an angel of a man), am back teaching again, living now in Germany and ohhhhhh I am sober. Talk about ridding the negative out of your life.

I remember several months after our rather bitter divorce that my ex showed up at my house at about 8am Christmas Day bearing gifts for me. I thought he had seriously lost it but I was polite....said thank you and asked him to leave.

I am proof that life goes on and can start over. I am happier now in my upper 30s then I ever was in that marriage. I refer to those years as my dark period.

All the best.
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Old 05-09-2010, 09:31 PM
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Kim, thanks for that post. I am in the "guilt" phase, even though my husband left me. Our trial is scheduled for July 1, although I hope to settle before then. I just changed my settlement offer because I realized I was feeling sorry for him and giving too much, to my detriment. I was feeling sorry for the state of his life (but all due to his choices!), how codie of me.

What did you mean when you referred to his behavior in court? I'm very nervous about facing him in court and all he might do and say.
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Old 05-10-2010, 02:14 AM
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I was never too good at putting myself first, every time I wanted to leave the guilt was too great and I 'd cave in.
The way I'm dealing with that guilt now is by putting my children first, I don't think about what I need or want, but what's best for them.
At this point it quite easy for me to decide what's best for my kids, as my 6 yo son has started to wet the bed again, and has all kinds of fears about a lot of things. My AH is not an ugly drunk, he's never mean to kids or me, but there is no healthy family dynamics in our home, and kids feels it, and are affected by it.
Just as I'm writting this I'm getting ready to take my son to the doctors to see what can we do about his problems.
It doens't feel good, especially since I'm aware that it's not only my AH's fault, it's my fault too, for letting my kids go through all this mess and not protecting them from it.
I can tell you, this guilt is much greater than any guilt I ever felt in regard to my AH.

Hope this hepls
Hugs
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Old 05-10-2010, 12:07 PM
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NewChapter I hear you on your situation. We spent about 7 months (under the same roof mind you....talk about losing it) during our divorce trying to handle it ourselves yet relying on our attorneys.

It was such a mess and I would have handled it through a mediator or something but ex ran to get an attorney within a day or so after we decided to just give up. I honestly didn't care anymore. I was miserable and tired of fighting and tired of living my free time in a room with the bottle trying to numb my brain.

We settled finally but I got a fair deal as did he. We went only a week away from our court date before we settled. He agreed to the settlement and I agreed to move out.

I honestly just needed out of that house. The time I was there was wrought with the whole maybe I can fix this...and the pain of seeing him, living in a home we made together, and for me it was 9 years of my life that was built that was going down the drain. I was turning 35 and I didn't think I could ever love or be loved again, how could I restart my career and education and live on my own. How could this happen to me. What would I do and where would I go. The worst part was that sometimes I would rather take the bad situation and have something that maybe could be fixed then to be alone with nothing. Yeah, that weighed on me with my divorce and I turned to drinking again to handle it. Sadly, my drinking made me such a weak person. It brought out the darkest and most painful thoughts. Somehow I thought I deserved all of it. Twisted time in my life but divorce in itself is a grieving process you know.

We got to court and somehow I felt liberated/free and strong. I felt that whole....I am over this crap and I can't live my life until this person is gone. He tried to stir up some pityful "feel sorry for me" nonsense with the judge but he was put in his place promptly. He was trying to get the judge to feel his pain. The judge got my story, looked at my finances and the facts spoke for themselves. I got effed in my marriage.

End of story is that he is still stuck in our home unable to sell it, is I guess involved with one of our neighbors (knew he was up to something years back) and I hope that one day he will get his own therapy for his issues - anger, depression and possible bi-polar.

Me I did what I had to do. Moved out in a few days time to a home with my dog and I picked up the pieces. I met my best friend and hubby actually as a friend after my divorce. He knew all about me and knew all about my drinking.

Enough ramble and sorry for hijacking. Divorce before it happened seemed like a tragedy to me but immediately after I looked at it as a blessing. I also finally got the much need counseling that I should have sought years earlier prior to trying to self-medicate.

All the best Stay strong and know that it gets better.

I
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Old 05-10-2010, 01:59 PM
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mentallyexh, please read this.

Originally Posted by mentallyexh View Post
SO....I posted the letter I wrote to AH, and his responses. Now here it is..my guilt, which I know is in my head and I have to own! Why is it that although I KNOW that I am doing the right thing......that the reality of it is SO hard. I don't want to hurt my AH...but I really can't live with him the way it is - so how do I come to terms with what I feel and my guilt???? The list I get that...why I have to do it. WHen I have doubts I just go look at all the posts I have written here in the past year...then I remember how painful our relationship has been and how I can't go on that way!!!
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ed-addict.html

you might see yourself in this addicted to the addict.
how are your children doing? you have a beautiful new infant?
beth
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