Boy I needed a meeting last night!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Canada
Posts: 75
Boy I needed a meeting last night!
I am so glad I went. The past week has been insane. I can truly see that A is not working any kind of program-one day he's reclusive, the next day he is saying he wants to have a relationship with me and take it slow, the next day he is not sure...I just keep trying to have faith in step 2...I guess I'm somewhere in there right now. I'm definitely not saying I'm not affected by his words/actions-I sure am! But I am trying to believe that however this will turn out hasn't happened for real yet. Maybe it has: maybe every single day forever with an involvement with A will be like this. I don't know. I just feel that the lasting outcome has not shown itself yet. On that note, I got a call today from a dept head of a University...and I have an interview in Texas next week! 6 miles from A's place...eek!
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Did someone say run for the hills?
They did? Ok, just checking....
Oh, and not the hills of Texas...
Seriously Boo...to be honest, while some of this guy's behavior may be due to his alcoholism, it sounds like the majority of it is due to him being a first-class turd. He's stringing you along, b/c he wants a back-up plan, just in case his online dating doesn't work out. This guy is a jerk, who happens to be an A.
Oh, and did I say run for the hills?
They did? Ok, just checking....
Oh, and not the hills of Texas...
Seriously Boo...to be honest, while some of this guy's behavior may be due to his alcoholism, it sounds like the majority of it is due to him being a first-class turd. He's stringing you along, b/c he wants a back-up plan, just in case his online dating doesn't work out. This guy is a jerk, who happens to be an A.
Oh, and did I say run for the hills?
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: El Cajon, CA
Posts: 88
Boo - definitely run for the hills! I've been with my A for 7 years now and have been faced with his indecision about our marriage for the last couple of weeks. Last week he drove me crazy, because he couldn't decide if he wanted to "waste" anymore of his time on our marriage if I couldn't give him a solid answer about when I will be done recovering (like I ever will be done).
I say run, run, run as fast you can. Their indecisions are just one way they can be manipulative and keep you making yourself crazy.
It sounds like you are trying hard on your recovery and that is wonderful! Keep working it and the answers for you will come.
Take care!
Kitkat
I say run, run, run as fast you can. Their indecisions are just one way they can be manipulative and keep you making yourself crazy.
It sounds like you are trying hard on your recovery and that is wonderful! Keep working it and the answers for you will come.
Take care!
Kitkat
But Very, Very Bruisable...
Join Date: Feb 2001
Location: Palm Springs, Ca.
Posts: 548
Hey Boo?
This behavior is called "Holding on to your Aces" or keeping your options open.
The fact that you continue to romance the concept that what you have is a relationship (it's not), is simply an example of "well attracts well and sick attracts sick."
Please re-read all of your previous posts regarding you and this guy. Somehow, you are not seeing your behavior, and his, for what it really is.
Oh, and run for the really high hills...
This behavior is called "Holding on to your Aces" or keeping your options open.
The fact that you continue to romance the concept that what you have is a relationship (it's not), is simply an example of "well attracts well and sick attracts sick."
Please re-read all of your previous posts regarding you and this guy. Somehow, you are not seeing your behavior, and his, for what it really is.
Oh, and run for the really high hills...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Dreaming Summer
Posts: 821
Originally posted by boo
Did someone say "run for the hills?" Thanks guys! I'm going to my interview though.
Did someone say "run for the hills?" Thanks guys! I'm going to my interview though.
A few pre interview questions to ask yourself:
Would you still want to move to Texas if Mr. No Relationship/Slow Relationship/Online Dating Candidate were NOT in the picture?
If he turns out to be just a lot of heartache will you be happy living so close?
If he finds a new fling,or several,will you want to be in the vicinity?
And some other questions:
What do you see as your purpose in attending Al Anon? Is it to understand yourself better?Or is it to find some way to make a go of this "relationship"?
Most people in Al Anon have endured the steady progression of an A's disease over a long period of time.Most had no idea what they were letting themselves in for.By the time the disease really took off they had a heavy emotional investment,and a lot of things going,like maybe a marriage,with kids and a house and joint financial issues.Walking away would be a a major upheaval.
Then there are those who are in it because they have children or other relations who are sick.They come to find some peace in the midst of things they can't control,or entirely disengage from.
Not many have jumped feet first and eyes wide open into a relationship with a man who has shown himself to be unstable and untrustworthy right from the start.That's insanity at it's finest.
Make a list Boo.Start with all the good and solid reasons to try to chase a relationship with this man.Be honest.Then list all the reasons to give it up and get over it.Again...be honest.
Keep going to Al Anon.But only for yourself.Take the man out of the equation,and work on Boo.
Hugs
phoenix
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
Boo -
Phoenix has just given you the best words of wisdom and advice that you will ever hear. Please take them to heart and don't subject yourself to any relationship with this man unless you feel that you need the drama and turmoil that will go along with it because that is what you will get and 10 years down the road, if you hook up with this guy, you will be saying "Why didn't I listen when all those people who live in relationships with addicts warned me in no uncertain terms what I was getting into?" Only you can make the decision, Boo. You can't fix him and maybe it would be wise for you to figure you why you feel the need to.
These are tough words you are hearing but they are said by all because we live the lives and don't wish that on anyone who has the chance to make a different choice before it is too late. I wish you only the best.
Hugs, Jo
Phoenix has just given you the best words of wisdom and advice that you will ever hear. Please take them to heart and don't subject yourself to any relationship with this man unless you feel that you need the drama and turmoil that will go along with it because that is what you will get and 10 years down the road, if you hook up with this guy, you will be saying "Why didn't I listen when all those people who live in relationships with addicts warned me in no uncertain terms what I was getting into?" Only you can make the decision, Boo. You can't fix him and maybe it would be wise for you to figure you why you feel the need to.
These are tough words you are hearing but they are said by all because we live the lives and don't wish that on anyone who has the chance to make a different choice before it is too late. I wish you only the best.
Hugs, Jo
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
boo
Please re-read all the suggestions above dear heart.....Then ask yourself one more question;
HOW MUCH OF YOU ARE YOU WILLING TO GIVE UP TO HAVE A
RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS PERSON?
love and prayers from one who cares.
Please re-read all the suggestions above dear heart.....Then ask yourself one more question;
HOW MUCH OF YOU ARE YOU WILLING TO GIVE UP TO HAVE A
RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS PERSON?
love and prayers from one who cares.
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: outta my mind
Posts: 43
boo
As much as you want to be with this man and are probably thinking things will work out and be great if you could somehow just be closer to him, it won't happen.
I would almost be willing to bet things will get much worse with you that close to him. He obviously has issues with relationships that will NOT be made better with you there.
Run for the hills is good advice, boo. If you want another job, find one as far away from Texas as possible. Move, change your phone number, your email address all of it and don't tell him what it is. There has to be someone better out there for you boo.
Good luck, you are in my thoughts.
As much as you want to be with this man and are probably thinking things will work out and be great if you could somehow just be closer to him, it won't happen.
I would almost be willing to bet things will get much worse with you that close to him. He obviously has issues with relationships that will NOT be made better with you there.
Run for the hills is good advice, boo. If you want another job, find one as far away from Texas as possible. Move, change your phone number, your email address all of it and don't tell him what it is. There has to be someone better out there for you boo.
Good luck, you are in my thoughts.
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: outta my mind
Posts: 43
Oh yeah, another thing....
If I knew now what I didn't know when I got involved with my A, I wouldn't have gotten involved. I would have run for the hills.
All of these people are giving you good advice, Boo.
You can't change them, no matter where you live.
If I knew now what I didn't know when I got involved with my A, I wouldn't have gotten involved. I would have run for the hills.
All of these people are giving you good advice, Boo.
You can't change them, no matter where you live.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Canada
Posts: 75
OOOOPs, I meant I am going to the job interview because I want the job! If I get some other one then fine. I have been looking for a f/t permanent job for a LONG time.
I do appreciate all your advice...I would say "advices" but it is all the same!
I just have to keep remembering that A is sick-he's still drinking or, as he put it, there have been more days he didn't drink than he did, since I came back home. When I am here, it is really hurtful because I hear about his internet dating (and how I heard about it hurt too), and it is easy to just feel hurt that he is looking for someone else so soon after he claimed to need a year to follow AA's "no relationship for a year rule". After some "adjustment" I was sold on that, and now I feel like it was a big lie OR he is just so sick that he can't honor it himself. I also feel mean sometimes because I think "sooner or later it will catch up with him" and maybe he will hit rock bottom and I can't stand back and feel grateful that I didn't see that in him.
I do appreciate all your advice...I would say "advices" but it is all the same!
I just have to keep remembering that A is sick-he's still drinking or, as he put it, there have been more days he didn't drink than he did, since I came back home. When I am here, it is really hurtful because I hear about his internet dating (and how I heard about it hurt too), and it is easy to just feel hurt that he is looking for someone else so soon after he claimed to need a year to follow AA's "no relationship for a year rule". After some "adjustment" I was sold on that, and now I feel like it was a big lie OR he is just so sick that he can't honor it himself. I also feel mean sometimes because I think "sooner or later it will catch up with him" and maybe he will hit rock bottom and I can't stand back and feel grateful that I didn't see that in him.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 36
I also feel mean sometimes because I think "sooner or later it will catch up with him" and maybe he will hit rock bottom
AA tells the alcoholic not to have a relationship for a year, well Al-Anon should tell us to do the same thing. Working the program for a year by ourselves could really clear our heads.
I know you've been looking for work for a long time, may redoubling your efforts with a career counselor to put the focus back on yourself would be helpful. Like they say "when I got busy, I got better."
- Hugs -
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: san antonio, tx
Posts: 5
boo i know how u feel i just went through that with my husband. his friends and everything became more important than me in his need to drink and trust me what they are sayin is so true.i didnt get advice from them. i stormed that weather, and trust me sweety it is a tuff road. i am a very strong woman but he did things just to make me leave. things that urt so much i tried to kill my self one night. i weatherd it with gods help and i am glad to say that things worked out but that doesnt mean that everyones does. he is in the process of realizing what is wrong with him and y he did it. dont take that road to stay if u dont think u can handle all that is gonna come ur way. i would hate for u to go through that same pain i did.and fyi we still dont live together. i am waitin until he gets his tuff together enough that i believe he is changing. u tihnk about that and if u think ur as strong hey go for it. but i am warning u it is a very very very tuff and hurtful trip.
if u do remember this quote:
"when u get to the end of your rope-tie a knot and hang on."--eleanor roosevlet
trust u better hang on cause he is gonna try and push u off hang on for dear life that is if u want to
if u do remember this quote:
"when u get to the end of your rope-tie a knot and hang on."--eleanor roosevlet
trust u better hang on cause he is gonna try and push u off hang on for dear life that is if u want to
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: san antonio, tx
Posts: 5
ohh i forgot boo. u sound the same way i did when he kicked me out so he could talk to a women he met online so...u may not live with him but that is ur sign to get away until he shows u that ur worth ur time. dont blame urself for anyhting that is his fault and dont change who u are. idid that and i see what it did to me. im stronger now than ever before and my a knows that i am not messin around with him. either he changes or does something to make me see him in the process or im not comin back. trust me i see me in u and ur gonna get hurt and i do mean bad!!! dont believe ur the cause. be the remedy. leave him, if he wants u let him come to u beggin and provin he wants u an is willing to do what he has to. he has to realize what he lost to want to fix his problem. that may be the only way.
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