theuncertainty

The 'expectations' keep sneaking up on me. Honestly, I think I keep bashing myself in the face with them.... My little son was sick last night and I spent a good part of the evening and night holding him and cleaning up while he was sick. My AH called to talk with him last night before bedtime. When I told him our son was sick and asleep he just said, "Oh, I hope he feels better." and said good night.

I kept thinking, if I had called him and he said our son was sick, I'd be asking for details - fever, how high, vomiting, body aches, ear ache, is he able to keep fluids down? - I'd be asking if he needed me to bring anything over.

I like to think that at least for the most part, I've given up on AH acting like a husband, but I keep expecting him to FINALLY act like a father, an involved father, a concerned father... Say something more than what a stranger in a store would say.... I expected something more from him. I continue to expect something more from him on that front and I don't know how to let that go.

nodaybut2day

I understand the disappointment you're feeling. I experienced the same thing after my DD was born and it ate away at me, along with AH's alcoholism. Because AH had a son when we met and seemed like such a great father to him, I thought that even though he was a mess and needed help, he would *at least* be a great involved father. I totally overlooked his narcissism, which prevented him from being overly concerned with anyone but himself. Like you, I wanted him interested in our child...I expected him to want to take her for walks, to play with her, to bathe her, to want some alone time with her...Never once. She and I were "alone" together from the moment she was born, save for a few times when she puked *on* him so he had to get up.

I honestly think that in time--when he disappoints you over and over, you'll start to accept that this particular "man" isn't going to give you what you want and need from him. It will be hard, and it will undoubtedly come with a lot of anger and bitterness, as he isn't just letting you down, he's also letting his child down, but it will happen. It doesn't mean however that another man, be it a family member, a friend or another partner, can step up and be the father your son deserves.

sesh

I don't know if this helps, but I don't know either how can you let go of that. I believe it to be the most human response to the situation. I have never met your husband, and still here I am, all accross the world thinking: come on, is that all you do and say when your child is sick.
Maybe one day when I learn more about accepatance and letting go I will see things differently, but righ now I fail to see how can you not feel some "negative" emotion towards someone who's being an a*** to thier own child, and especially if it happens to be your child too.
Am I wrong to think this?

Daisy30

acceptance is a hard one. It takes time. You will get there.

I think it is funny because my AH will ask, do you need me to get some medicine, etc. and I find it completely annoying. I guess, I don't him coming over and intruding in our lives..i dunno. So, I guess the grass isn't greener

theuncertainty

Oh, I've gone through (a lot of) times when I wish I could just say "You know what, don't call me, don't call our son, don't stop by, don't 'run into' us at the store - just stay gone." (A few very dark times, when I wished he would just disappear and a few incredibly dark and dismal times when I would have nightmares about him dying.)

I do have a lot of bitterness, anger and negative thoughts about what kind of a******* could treat his son with such disregard, but without him, I wouldn't have my son. Some one on SR, I can't recall who, mentioned having the best of their AH in their child, and it completely makes sense.

Still, I want so much for my son to know his father the way I knew him so long ago. He taught me to rollerblade, cross-country ski.... Why can't he get it together enough to do that for our son? Even having started a path to recovery (it's still early I know - patience is another thing I'm having a hard time with) he can't acknowledge what he's done to our son's trust.

I can't see any time in the near future where I'll be able to accept how he treats our son. I feel like a complete idiot, because he has disappointed us time and time and time again, and it won't sink in yet.

freefalling

When my children are sick -I dont call my STBXAH anymore.

1. The children are uncomfortable around him -so no use asking him to come around at this stage.They are kind of scared of him. He disappears from their lives due to his frequent relapses.

2.he would ask if he can help me with something and when I show a little bit of neediness he would use it against me in future as he is not in recovery. (children suffering because of divorce/children need their father around/ See,you cannot cope without me. Even get a sadistic enjoyment out of my needing him)

3. The children see my "neediness". They will not understand why I call their father when they are sick as he does not even bother to phone on their birthdays.

Tough one> expectations and acceptance.

I do not say that this cannot change in future. For that to happen he has to go into recovery.

LaTeeDa

Acceptance, I'm learning, is a constant struggle for me. I've been separated from my XAH for five years, divorced for more than three. I have accepted that he is who he is and I no longer expect him to "step up" and be the father.

But now I'm struggling with my job. I expect people to value and respect my work, yet a lot of times they don't. I've been very stressed out lately trying to get the people I work with to respect and value me. I woke up this morning with the realization that I'm going through the same thing I went through with my A. I have to accept that I'm not going to get what I want at work. It's up to me to either continue working there, knowing I will not get what I want, or make a plan to do something else.

I'm learning that acceptance is much bigger than just a tool for dealing with alcoholics. It's a tool for life.

L

freefalling

Can somebody tell me if "normal people" also struggle with acceptance. Is it only us that suffer with this. Recovery from codependency somedays are traumatic for me - as the blindfolds are coming off I realise how I was not living life on life's terms. Am glad I am learning these lessons - just painful to go through changes. And at my ripe age!!!

LaTeeDa

Well, first you have to define normal. Judging from most of the people I know in real life, I would say that, yes, it is normal to be dysfunctional, unhappy, even depressed. The last time I saw statistics on it, over 40% of adults in the US were taking antidepressant drugs. Society is mostly dysfunctional, in my opinion.

The way I see it, codependence is just an extreme form of "normal" dysfunction. I know I didn't learn all my unhealthy behaviors from my parents. I learned many of them from my peers and society at large.

Now, I don't shoot for "normal" anymore. I shoot for happy. And I believe that happy people are those who accept life for what it is, rather than trying to change situations/people/things to be the way they want them to be. At least, in the happy people I know, this seems to be true.

L

Daisy30

This made me think about about the definition of expectations I once heard.

"An expectation is a premeditated resentment." It is so true

WizeDeb

Expections of people are my specialty. My therapist said that I need to stop having such expectations. Another words how I think people should act or feel are completly off base.
Just because I would do the right thing doesnt mean they will. Im working on having on it. Very hard. I cant control how someone is going to interact with me. I can only control how react or not react to people. I find this with almost everyone in my life.

Summerpeach

If you could only keep quiet, clear of memories and expectations, you would be able to discern the beautiful pattern of events. Its your restlessness that causes chaos.
By Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj