Ugh...I think he's trying to start a fight

Old 05-07-2010, 09:38 AM
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Angry Ugh...I think he's trying to start a fight

and I am not going to bite. This Saturday will be 2 full weeks sober. It has been OK. Not great, but we aren't fighting either.
Last night AH was watching The Office and it listed signs of cheating....he said I have all of the signs....phone is locked b/c it is a touch screen and the kids like to play with it, if he asks to see it, I always give it to him. He says I don't share my passwords, I can have privacy too. He says I am dieting- I am. After 4 kids, I finally want to get back to where I am happy with myself. Walking, exercising, tanning makes me feel great. After 13 years of him putting me down, I am enjoying myself. I am in a wedding next month and I was the biggest girl. Not anymore. I had much self discipline and worked my butt off to get to where I wanted to be. He says I have friends he doesn't know....they are not really my friends. They are my sister and her fiances friends...when I go out with my sister, I talk with these people. Then when H asks me who was out, I tell him. He said tanning and running to the store shouldn't take 30-40 minutes....I have no reason as why it did or if it didn't. I didn't pay attention...I didn't know I was timed. Ok, so then I go to bed and thought he was joking. I woke up today and noticed he was on 2 websites about how to know if She's cheating....so I said something about thinking it was a joke last night but now I am hurt. His response was that if you want you can find anything you want to support your reasoning online. He says I do it from SR. I asked for an example- he didn't have one. I said I may nod my head, but that is all. I don't tell him the things I read here. I guess I don't understand his motive behind this. I am really started to wonder if I did something else that would make him think anything. He says I owe him an apology. I don't know what for. I asked him, but I don't get a good reason. He just says I look for things online and pertain them to him and when I ask him like what he doesn't say anything.
I am driving myself crazy....I wonder if he is trying to start a fight b/c he wants an excuse to drink....which has been done MANY times. Ugh. I just don't know what to think.
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Old 05-07-2010, 09:44 AM
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When are men going to understand that being constantly paranoid about a cheating wife is just shows how little self confidence he has.

That and he's controlling.

I've also come to learn that often the person making all the accusations of cheating is likely thinking of cheating themselves or actually is cheating.

Projection.

You should call him on it and see what he says. Turn it around. Tell him you think he's projecting his own issues of his own fidelity onto you and see what he says.
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Old 05-07-2010, 09:44 AM
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Try sitting him down - Lovingly look into his eyes, clasp his hands in yours and say "I love you and I would never cheat on you. Is there anything I can do to help ease your fears?"
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Old 05-07-2010, 09:53 AM
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Originally Posted by sahmto4 View Post
This Saturday will be 2 full weeks sober.
Two full weeks sober, or two full weeks dry? The reason I ask is because I went through a lot of those "dry" periods with my husband. Once he lasted for four months. I think it was probably the most miserable four months of our marriage. He was angry, resentful, entitled, and mean. And it was all my fault because I "made him" stop drinking.

Abstaining from alcohol is only one part of getting sober. Is he working on himself in any way? (AA, counseling, outpatient, or?)

L
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Old 05-07-2010, 09:54 AM
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My AH often went on similar "truth crusades" trying his darndest to find out if I was cheating, proving to me that I was exhibiting all the signs, questioning where I was, how long it took, etc etc. I actually played the game along with him for a while, because I thought that *eventually* he would see that I wasn't cheating and apologize profusely. Heck, I even agreed to text him every. single. time. I took a customer to the back for a dance and every time I was done, as well as every friggin time I went to pee, went to the locker room, etc etc, and he would sit around monitoring how long every dance took and compare that with the amount of money I brought home to see if I was lying or hiding money, or if I'd spent too much time with someone which would prove that I was cheating. It was MADNESS!! At some point, I realized that AH just needed to obsess over someone that wasn't him, so he could point the finger and not have to examine his pathetic self.

Sounds like this is what your H is doing; good for you for not playing into his hands. Refuse to dance and he'll find someone or something else to obsess over or to use as justification for his woes.
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Old 05-07-2010, 10:08 AM
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Two full weeks sober, or two full weeks dry?
I'm not sure what that means? He has not had a drink- at all- it will be 2 weeks this Saturday, if that helps.

I just feel like I need to defend myself, but I am not. I'm not kidding when I say I am driving myself crazy. I am trying to think of everything I have done since I've stopped really caring. He says my detachment from him could be b/c of cheating...not that he's an alcoholic and I am distancing myself from that. I am doing that b/c my counselor told me it's the only way I am going to stay sane. AHHHHHH!

And he currently is not working any program..He went to 1 AA meeting last Friday. That's it. I'm not sure how he's going to go about it. He says he has it under control.
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Old 05-07-2010, 10:21 AM
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When I turned my focus inward and began doing things to better my emotional, physical, and spiritual well being rather than doing things that would keep XABF from being upset he felt the change immediately.

Looking back I see all the things I used to do and all the ways I used to work around him, massaging his ego, assuring him, keeping myself on a short leash so he wouldn't be upset or jealous. My little circle of freedom got smaller and smaller as his paranoia and anger got worse and worse.

By focusing on me I stopped doing all those things and expanded my freedom and all his issues that I kept managed started to run wild. During this time he continued to drink heavily and began to spiral downward. In your case your Addict is experiencing all of these things without the affects of alcohol which makes me think he's not in recovery at all or failing miserably at managing his emotions without the booze.

You keep doing what you have been doing. Do not let the crazy quacking throw you off. He is trying to get you to question yourself in every way possible. Put those earmuffs on and don't listen!!

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Old 05-07-2010, 11:31 AM
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Originally Posted by sahmto4 View Post
And he currently is not working any program..He went to 1 AA meeting last Friday. That's it. I'm not sure how he's going to go about it. He says he has it under control.
That's what I mean by "dry" vs. "sober." There's a lot more to getting sober than just abstaining from alcohol.

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Old 05-07-2010, 11:43 AM
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So he is "dry"? I guess I need to look into that...I've never heard of it that way. It does worry me that he is doing it on his own. Many times he has tried it this way and we end up back to the same ole, same ole. But I am not going to sit and wonder..whatever happens, happens.
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Old 05-07-2010, 12:21 PM
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FWIW, I think the same thing sometimes happens with codependents. We think if we get the alcoholic to stop drinking, or get them out of our life, all our problems are solved. I once thought that. Boy, was I wrong!

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