Question about triggers
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Question about triggers
I found my way here a few weeks ago by googling, "do alcoholics really love us?" Since then I've been lurking and soaking up all I can to help me get through this. What I have read has helped me in my healing.
My story is like so many I've read here. But to keep it short for now, I ended a 2-yr. relationship 6 weeks ago with my alcoholic/pothead/not-sure-what-else-he-uses boyfriend.
The breakup was my choice but the pain still runs deep. I have NO DESIRE to return to what I was in. My hope for anything for the two of us has dried up and I'm okay with that. My problem...he lives a half-block away and I can see his house from mine. Within two weeks after we split up, he had a girlfriend and had moved her in. I've talked to him twice since then. He says he met her in the bar where he works part-time. He told me he still loves me, misses me, and thinks about me but he knows he can't be what I need for him to be, and I told him he's right, and that I don't want to see him again. It is very much over.
I see them while I'm driving in our neighborhood or while I'm mowing my lawn or going for a walk. Today, I looked out the window where I work and she was driving by. It DRAGS me into a pit of pain that I hate and it hurts like hell. It takes me hours or even a day or two to work my way out of it. My head knows that she is someone he met at the bar who will sit on a barstool next to him 3 or 4 nights a week and probably rolls his joints for him and requires no accountability. It's the party life that attracted him... BUT MY EMOTIONS take me to where I compare myself to her and I am nothing like her in those ways!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When I see her on the street, she is attractive, drives a nice car, and dresses like she goes to a professional job. I am those things too and even though I know better, I let myself compare myself to her...someone who he is living with because she will party with him. I wouldn't. She is a medication to him right now. So WHY DO I CARE?
How do I deal with these triggers and not let them drag me into the pit of pain? It helps me to write about it and I talk to trusted friends and family. But no matter how prepared I think I am to see her or them together, it kills me every time.
My story is like so many I've read here. But to keep it short for now, I ended a 2-yr. relationship 6 weeks ago with my alcoholic/pothead/not-sure-what-else-he-uses boyfriend.
The breakup was my choice but the pain still runs deep. I have NO DESIRE to return to what I was in. My hope for anything for the two of us has dried up and I'm okay with that. My problem...he lives a half-block away and I can see his house from mine. Within two weeks after we split up, he had a girlfriend and had moved her in. I've talked to him twice since then. He says he met her in the bar where he works part-time. He told me he still loves me, misses me, and thinks about me but he knows he can't be what I need for him to be, and I told him he's right, and that I don't want to see him again. It is very much over.
I see them while I'm driving in our neighborhood or while I'm mowing my lawn or going for a walk. Today, I looked out the window where I work and she was driving by. It DRAGS me into a pit of pain that I hate and it hurts like hell. It takes me hours or even a day or two to work my way out of it. My head knows that she is someone he met at the bar who will sit on a barstool next to him 3 or 4 nights a week and probably rolls his joints for him and requires no accountability. It's the party life that attracted him... BUT MY EMOTIONS take me to where I compare myself to her and I am nothing like her in those ways!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When I see her on the street, she is attractive, drives a nice car, and dresses like she goes to a professional job. I am those things too and even though I know better, I let myself compare myself to her...someone who he is living with because she will party with him. I wouldn't. She is a medication to him right now. So WHY DO I CARE?
How do I deal with these triggers and not let them drag me into the pit of pain? It helps me to write about it and I talk to trusted friends and family. But no matter how prepared I think I am to see her or them together, it kills me every time.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Boston, MA (Mattapan) Legit ghetto but I love it
Posts: 174
Welcome.
And it's because you love him. It's as simple as that. But you can't be with someone who's an alcoholic and addicted to as you said God knows what else.
You made the right decision breaking up with him. It was extremely smart and mature. This is obviously a rebound relationship on his part but it doesn't matter.
What matters if you were brave enough to end it. Now you can move on. And all the crap and pain you put up with...well that's not your problem anymore. He's headed down a path of self destruction and he'll probably bring down the people who love him as well.
But that's not your problem. You can move on. You can live your life happy and healthy and fully without being dragged down by your alcoholic boyfriend. It will get better in time.
For now just try to control the temptation to look over there. Completely cut off contact if you can... no contact DOES help you find closure. Is there a friend's place you can escape to for a few days?
And it's because you love him. It's as simple as that. But you can't be with someone who's an alcoholic and addicted to as you said God knows what else.
You made the right decision breaking up with him. It was extremely smart and mature. This is obviously a rebound relationship on his part but it doesn't matter.
What matters if you were brave enough to end it. Now you can move on. And all the crap and pain you put up with...well that's not your problem anymore. He's headed down a path of self destruction and he'll probably bring down the people who love him as well.
But that's not your problem. You can move on. You can live your life happy and healthy and fully without being dragged down by your alcoholic boyfriend. It will get better in time.
For now just try to control the temptation to look over there. Completely cut off contact if you can... no contact DOES help you find closure. Is there a friend's place you can escape to for a few days?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
Welcome HealingWillCome...
Indeed painful to see... but not as painful as staying in a roller-coaster chaotic relationship.
I'm seeing the "new friend" as a gift from your HP... your ex is out of your hair... sometimes getting rid of them isn't so easy.
As for your immediate pain... it will get better... the more you concentrate on you.... you will get better...
As for him... unless he chooses to get help... he will get worse... and you won't be involved with that.
Take care.
Indeed painful to see... but not as painful as staying in a roller-coaster chaotic relationship.
I'm seeing the "new friend" as a gift from your HP... your ex is out of your hair... sometimes getting rid of them isn't so easy.
As for your immediate pain... it will get better... the more you concentrate on you.... you will get better...
As for him... unless he chooses to get help... he will get worse... and you won't be involved with that.
Take care.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the Sober Recovery Family!
I'm sorry you are here with your heart broken! You will find support here. I can recommend a good book for you: What Happy Women Know by Dan Baker and Cathy Greenberg. It discusses how women compare themselves and that is damaging to our self-esteem.
For today, I suggest you make a list of all the unacceptable things your AXBF (addicted Ex boyfriend) did. Things like - lies, poor health, financial problems, denial, legal risks (dui), manipulations, blame-shifting, etc. Make it as long as you need. Then realize that those are all the things his new enabler (g/f) will get to enjoy!
I'm sorry you are here with your heart broken! You will find support here. I can recommend a good book for you: What Happy Women Know by Dan Baker and Cathy Greenberg. It discusses how women compare themselves and that is damaging to our self-esteem.
For today, I suggest you make a list of all the unacceptable things your AXBF (addicted Ex boyfriend) did. Things like - lies, poor health, financial problems, denial, legal risks (dui), manipulations, blame-shifting, etc. Make it as long as you need. Then realize that those are all the things his new enabler (g/f) will get to enjoy!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Thank you, Someone, for the welcome and your encouragement. And you are right, it is because I do love him, even if it's from a distance and while trying to let go.
Oh how I wish I could avoid all contact. This is a very, very small town. Even though they both commute 30 miles to work, I pass him/her/them while I'm in my car...I see them while I'm outside with my kids, or while I'm out in my own yard. I feel like I'm hijacked to my own house, but I have to keep living my life. So I just hold my head high and pretend like nothing bothers me and go about my business. It is hard. I have three kids so getting away doesn't happen very often. I keep hoping they'll find another place and move out of this small town!
Oh how I wish I could avoid all contact. This is a very, very small town. Even though they both commute 30 miles to work, I pass him/her/them while I'm in my car...I see them while I'm outside with my kids, or while I'm out in my own yard. I feel like I'm hijacked to my own house, but I have to keep living my life. So I just hold my head high and pretend like nothing bothers me and go about my business. It is hard. I have three kids so getting away doesn't happen very often. I keep hoping they'll find another place and move out of this small town!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Originally Posted by Hammerhead 
Welcome HealingWillCome...
I'm seeing the "new friend" as a gift from your HP... your ex is out of your hair... sometimes getting rid of them isn't so easy.
I'm seeing the "new friend" as a gift from your HP... your ex is out of your hair... sometimes getting rid of them isn't so easy.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
[QUOTE=Pelican;2591027]
For today, I suggest you make a list of all the unacceptable things your AXBF (addicted Ex boyfriend) did. Things like - lies, poor health, financial problems, denial, legal risks (dui), manipulations, blame-shifting, etc. Make it as long as you need. Then realize that those are all the things his new enabler (g/f) will get to enjoy! [QUOTE]
Thank you, Pelican, for the welcome and the advice! I will look for the book! I love the above suggestion...particularly the last line. That is helpful!!!
For today, I suggest you make a list of all the unacceptable things your AXBF (addicted Ex boyfriend) did. Things like - lies, poor health, financial problems, denial, legal risks (dui), manipulations, blame-shifting, etc. Make it as long as you need. Then realize that those are all the things his new enabler (g/f) will get to enjoy! [QUOTE]
Thank you, Pelican, for the welcome and the advice! I will look for the book! I love the above suggestion...particularly the last line. That is helpful!!!
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