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XABF died today

Old 05-18-2010, 09:12 AM
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I am so sorry that you are going through this.
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Old 05-18-2010, 09:16 AM
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I am so sorry for your loss. May he finally rest in peace. Gentle hugs to you. Please take care of yourself.
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Old 05-18-2010, 09:17 AM
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I'm so very sorry for your loss.
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Old 06-01-2010, 06:51 PM
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Originally Posted by Seeking Wisdom View Post
BrandiSue - My heart goes out to you .... such a tragic loss.

For me, the saddest part regarding those whose lives are lost to this baffling and deadly obsession... is knowing their lives didnít have to end this way.

I had always hoped my AH would find the strength and clarity to find enduring sobriety, but it was not to be his fate as his once active and productive life came to a very brutal and tragic end. Everyday it is hard for me to accept that he could still be with his sons and I ... if he had made different choices.

These past few days, I have also been going through old photos of my AH while preparing a special gift tribute album for my husbandís mother this Motherís Day. Those old photos are filled with memories of a happier time, when my AH was still strong and healthy, so many with him smiling proudly as he stood next to his sons while sharing joyful events together. His downhill transformation is still stunningly hard to comprehend. Now, sadly he will not see his sonsí graduate from college or share in any of their milestones and accomplishments ... things I know he would have been so proud of. I have made a sincere effort these last few years to share the many memories I have of their father...remembering the best in him.

So powerfully transforming, yet so heart wrenchingly tragic .... alcoholism senselessly steals away those that once had so much potential for a productive and healthy life. LIttle by little as it progresses, it leaves behind a trail of destruction and heart break .... and forever changing the lives of those they leave behind.

His struggles are now over and he is finally at peace. Keep remembering the best in him and the happiness he once brought into your lives ... and the joy you and your sons brought into his. May you and your sons find serenity during this challenging time. My thoughts are with you.
I have been doing pretty much the same thing since he died. I've made collages for his family and collages for me.

Today I finally took two pics that I took of him on the beach (a trip we took just a year ago!) to work. It's still very difficult for me to look at them sometimes but I always end up smiling. He looked so happy and healthy. It amazes me how quickly he went downhill. He went from 210 lbs a year ago to 121 lbs when he died. He was unrecognizable. I tried to warn his friends who hadn't seen him in a while but you truly cannot...not really. I'm still just shocked at how quickly this all happened.

I'm going through so many emotions right now. The other night I found myself shaking my fist at the heavens and yelling at him for doing this to me and to his family. Then I would burst into tears because I miss him so much. Such a waste. Such a damn waste.

I went into the study yesterday for the first time since he died. I found all of his AA books. I picked up the big book and started thumbing through it. As I did I noticed notes he'd made in the margins and paragraphs he'd highlighted. So he really did read it. There was a bookmark about 3 paragraphs from the end. On the bookmark was someone's name and phone number that I didn't recognize. I have a feeling this was the sponsor he was supposed to call but never did.

Anyway, it is still so painful and so sad.

Thanks for your post. I know you understand and I will continue to remember the good times and make sure the boys know as much as possible about their father too.
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Old 06-01-2010, 06:57 PM
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My condolences go out to you and your family; you are in my thoughts.
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Old 06-01-2010, 07:00 PM
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Originally Posted by SecretLife View Post
I haven't been on SR long, so I'm not familiar with your situation. I do gather from reading that this was a hard battle for both of you for some time. Again, I'm sorry for your loss.

Being that yesterday was the 7 year passing of my son's father, in his active addictions, I wanted to revisit your post and thank you for standing by him till he passed. That was something I didn't do, and I regret it.

I do thank my HP that his struggle is over, just as you've said.
It's very hard for those left behind......
My prayers and thoughts will be with you!
HUGS!
Thank you. There was just something in me that told me I couldn't leave him when he was dying even though, even to the end, he believed he would live. I believe that I gave him hope. His family believed that too. If I could give him any hope to live at all, then I would be there and I was.

He became ill about a year ago. He was hospitalized the last two months of his life and died at the age of 39. He was an active member of his community, well respected and loved by more people than I realized. He obviously had been drinking for a lot longer than any of us realized. He hid it well.

Thank you.
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Old 06-01-2010, 07:02 PM
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Originally Posted by LaVallette View Post
BrandiSue, I'm quite new here, but your heartfelt post touched me. My prayers to you and those others who loved your XA. Requiascat in pace.

If I may make another book suggestion: Staring at the Sun by Irvin Yalom, an eminent psychiatrist. I lost my Mother last year to the consequences of the same vile disease, and the book was a great help. Other friends have also found comfort in this book.
Thank you for the book suggestion. I will get it! I need comfort. I'm going through all sorts of emotions right now. I understand the phases of grief but I never thought I could hurt this bad from such a senseless disease. I truly believed he could beat it.

Thank you again....xo
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Old 06-01-2010, 07:11 PM
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Thanks again to everyone who responded to my thread. I had to take a break for a bit to just think and grieve some more.

He left so many things at my home and I find myself going through them. I know he thought he'd be back after I told him to leave. He took a few things, but not all. One of his last wishes before he became completely bedridden, was to spend one more night with me. I told him no and now I'm regretting that. I know I shouldn't but I am.

I'm just glad that the night he died I was at least able to climb into his hospital bed with him as I said. I know he knew I was there and hopefully that was enough.

I wish for all of you struggling with this disease with a loved one, strength. Even though I didn't post often on this forum, I read and read and read. It became a life support system for me. It helped me make some strong decisions. I'm still not sure if those decisions were the right ones, but I had to do what I had to do for my own sanity. I thought by doing what I did (telling him to leave) that I would save my life and hopefully his too. We had a sad ending, but hopefully this won't be the case for most of you.

I wish you strength, love and peace.

xoxo

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Old 06-01-2010, 08:14 PM
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Originally Posted by BrandiSue View Post
I'm just glad that the night he died I was at least able to climb into his hospital bed with him as I said. I know he knew I was there and hopefully that was enough.
I too am glad you had that time together, and that you know he was aware of you next to him.

I know, that if my xabf ended up at the hospital, in his last hours here on earth, that I too would go to be with him for the end. And I know, that he knows I cannot live with him, but that I love him very much. Yours knew this too.

I was enough, BrandiSue. It was.
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Old 06-02-2010, 09:13 PM
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Yes dear BrandiSue, I certainly remember you. I read your post first on 20/21st August last year, and said then how sad it was for a young man like him to have this happen. I had been praying for 2 years, for my 82 year old XAH to go peacefully ASAP, and he did so on 26th.

I put you on my prayer list back then, and have prayed each night for you both.
I am so sorry that he has lost his battle, altho I must say it would require a miracle for him to have survived. The cursed disease has been, is and ever will be, the cause of such pain and suffering for all affected by alcoholism.

I keep you in my heart and prayers.

God bless
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Old 06-02-2010, 10:38 PM
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My EA forever in my heart died last year. Alone in his chair in his apt. He was weak from liver damage and continued to drink because I think he did not think he could stop the damage done and maybe he believed his time was up. I loved him although I broke up with him years ago we were always real good friends. He was kind and funny even though he was a drunk he wasn't mean or abusive quite the contrary! I will miss him forever. It took a long time to feel "normal" and I still miss him and get sad that he is gone. You know what they say; The person is not really gone forever if you still remember them or memories of them. You had time with him, he was in your life; that will not be erased. I hope you can forgive him because he was very sick. I also hope you will find strength.

I'm sending you a hug. I'm so sorry. Go get some tea and cookies, put on your pj's and get some deserved rest. One day at a time girl.

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Old 06-05-2010, 07:15 AM
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Originally Posted by Jadmack25 View Post
Yes dear BrandiSue, I certainly remember you. I read your post first on 20/21st August last year, and said then how sad it was for a young man like him to have this happen. I had been praying for 2 years, for my 82 year old XAH to go peacefully ASAP, and he did so on 26th.

I put you on my prayer list back then, and have prayed each night for you both.
I am so sorry that he has lost his battle, altho I must say it would require a miracle for him to have survived. The cursed disease has been, is and ever will be, the cause of such pain and suffering for all affected by alcoholism.

I keep you in my heart and prayers.

God bless
I am sorry to hear of his passing as well. Sending prayers and hugs your way too.

Thank you for your post. It meant a lot to me.

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Old 06-05-2010, 07:16 AM
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Originally Posted by 925girl View Post
My EA forever in my heart died last year. Alone in his chair in his apt. He was weak from liver damage and continued to drink because I think he did not think he could stop the damage done and maybe he believed his time was up. I loved him although I broke up with him years ago we were always real good friends. He was kind and funny even though he was a drunk he wasn't mean or abusive quite the contrary! I will miss him forever. It took a long time to feel "normal" and I still miss him and get sad that he is gone. You know what they say; The person is not really gone forever if you still remember them or memories of them. You had time with him, he was in your life; that will not be erased. I hope you can forgive him because he was very sick. I also hope you will find strength.

I'm sending you a hug. I'm so sorry. Go get some tea and cookies, put on your pj's and get some deserved rest. One day at a time girl.

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thank you. I need to stop listening to depressing music. I tend to do that when I'm down.

I have forgiven him. I had to. xo
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Old 06-05-2010, 07:27 AM
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I cried because of your love for him. A romantic love that was not killed.
( and him so young.....)

"Blessed are those who mourn , for they will be comforted."

Peace be with you.
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Old 06-05-2010, 08:02 AM
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I'm so sorry about your loss BrandiSue.
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Old 06-05-2010, 09:22 AM
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Exclamation XABF died today...

Brandisue,

My heart hurts for you & all you have been through. My brother is close to the same place. He has had two heart attacks close together but is still drinking. I hope he hasn't started on drugs again.

I feel sad when I think about him and all he has lost including himself. His sons are going to see him today. He lives far away from me so I write when I know an address where he can get mail.

He had two heart attacks close together so is not in good shape for sure. The last one was in February 2010. I have one issue that I have in my "cannot change box" regarding his share of money from selling the family home. We get $800 a month & half of it is his but he also owes me money out of the final accounting for all I had to pay to get the room renters evicted along with my brother before I could get it cleaned up enough to even show for sale. I hired a contractor to clean out the house & did get it sold before the stockmarket & bank crashes.

I send my brother money when he asks for it which hasn't been too often. I just feel uneasy about sending $1000 or more if he doesn't have something in mind to spend it on. I know this is stupid because if he is going to buy drugs he will do it regardless of which money he uses.

The house will be paid off in 2011 & I have an accounting for all he & I have used & then there will be a balloon payment at the end. I put the money in my savings account so it is building up & I need to update the paperwork again since I haven't done it since February 2010 when we did our income taxes. This is not my forte' so is a struggle for me but I am getting it done okay.

I am an alcoholic too from a long line of family alcoholics but have been sober 21 years soon to be 22 in July 2010. I have been through alcoholic deaths with friends & clients from my job at Mental Health. I am retired but still have a heart ache for anyone dealing with anything to do with alcohol problems.

I will say my prayer...The Serenity Prayer...for you and his & your friends & family. It is such a sad time for everyone. But as you said he is at peace now.


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Old 06-17-2010, 06:16 PM
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It's been a little over a month now since he died. I still can't believe it. I can't believe he did this to us. I told him he would die. I told him if he didn't stop drinking he would die. He thought he was indestructable. He really never believed he would die from drinking.

We were talking a few months ago about how ill he was. He said that he got out of the shower and stared at himself in the mirror. It hit him hard just what was going on. He was staring at the skeleton of a once healthy man with a tube sticking out of his belly. He told me he broke down and cried and then finally prayed. I'm not sure he'd done that. He always felt that God had forsaken him which is BS. I just thought it was an excuse.

Anyway, I'm going through so many different stages. I miss him. I hate him. I love him. I wonder what he's doing up there and if he's finally having some peace.

Thanks again all. I read the stories here and just tear up. I really hope that many of you dealing with this find some hope and that there are some success stories too along the way.

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Old 06-17-2010, 06:54 PM
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Thanks so much for just telling us so honestly what you are feeling, BrandiSue.

I know that I did something incredibly codependent... honestly I feel like I'm going to get an "F" here on this board, but I know that the wisdom I get from everyone here will seep in eventually.

But what I did was copy and paste some of these posts into a document--and yours was one...thinking maybe I'll use them to express to him how I feel. Sometimes I look at AH, 57 years old and 33 years married to me, and when he's sober he doesn't look comfortable. I don't know if he's physically uncomfortable, or emotionally uncomfortable, but I am filled with fear that the body that he's pushed to the limit is just going to give up. I know my AH is quite a bit older than your XABF, but the horror is the same--in some ways reflective also of all the history I have with him.

Then he goes out and drinks and acts stupid and I just forget about the fear and replace it with anger. But then, even after he's been drinking we'll lie in bed and he'll tell me how much he loves me and he'll rub my back. I still love his touch, and when he does that, even as he's talking to me with slurred words, or he's already starting to snore, I think to myself, "Geez, how much does a touch have to cost?"

So the hearfelt love you express, along with negative feelings, really hits home. I cry for you and for him and for me and for AH, and for my dad, and for my brother, and for all the people whose God-given beauty and goodness is turned to embers by this God-awful disease.
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Old 06-17-2010, 07:39 PM
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Hey Girl, I'm glad to see you posting here, even though you're tormented. I'm sorry.

I"m reading a book called "Journey of Souls." Amazing, you may want to check it out.

I hope you find peace, find comfort in knowing you loved him through the end. Beautiful, really. Can't say I'm sorry enough, though.
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Old 06-17-2010, 07:39 PM
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Originally Posted by SoloMio View Post
Thanks so much for just telling us so honestly what you are feeling, BrandiSue.

I know that I did something incredibly codependent... honestly I feel like I'm going to get an "F" here on this board, but I know that the wisdom I get from everyone here will seep in eventually.

But what I did was copy and paste some of these posts into a document--and yours was one...thinking maybe I'll use them to express to him how I feel. Sometimes I look at AH, 57 years old and 33 years married to me, and when he's sober he doesn't look comfortable. I don't know if he's physically uncomfortable, or emotionally uncomfortable, but I am filled with fear that the body that he's pushed to the limit is just going to give up. I know my AH is quite a bit older than your XABF, but the horror is the same--in some ways reflective also of all the history I have with him.

Then he goes out and drinks and acts stupid and I just forget about the fear and replace it with anger. But then, even after he's been drinking we'll lie in bed and he'll tell me how much he loves me and he'll rub my back. I still love his touch, and when he does that, even as he's talking to me with slurred words, or he's already starting to snore, I think to myself, "Geez, how much does a touch have to cost?"

So the hearfelt love you express, along with negative feelings, really hits home. I cry for you and for him and for me and for AH, and for my dad, and for my brother, and for all the people whose God-given beauty and goodness is turned to embers by this God-awful disease.
I have never been one to say the PC thing or follow the crowd i suppose. I just say what I say and how I feel. I probably have F-'s here.

What I did do though was kick him out of my home after several years of drinking. That killed me and to this day I still wonder if it was the right thing. Deep down I know that it was but he went downhill so quickly after that.

The horror IS the same. You are right. I can't imagine being married to someone for 33 years living with this disease. But I totally understand still loving the feel of their touch even when drinking. I still miss that and I will always miss that.

I cry for all of us too my friend.
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