Boyfriend claims he didn't drink when he blew a 1.0... need advice.
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
I'm a calibration tech. Did this unit come with a certification? Any type of equipment like this should be ISO certified. Since, the results were negative for you however, did you smell anything on him? Since he's only doing this to please you and this not being court ordered, not sure if, you'd have much luck having him go to the police dept. and blowing into one of theirs.
A few of my friends have had problems with their machines and did go to the police dept. and use their equipment.
A few of my friends have had problems with their machines and did go to the police dept. and use their equipment.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 545
It took me a looong time to learn that buying and using things like breathalyzers were just signs (especially to him) that I was a big time codie that had far to go before I would call time on a relationship and stand up for what was right for me. I didn't actually buy one, but I did many, many things that in hindsight were in the same ballpark.
I know it might not seem like it right now, and I can't even quite put into words the dynamic that this type of thing creates, but to me it is just another one of those boundary violations (on both sides, in fact) that means that the dance continues. I am sure that you are deadly serious about your reasoning for doing this, even if it just on a gut level, but what you are teaching him is that your burden of proof needs to be 100% rock solid before you take any action that threatens his lifestyle at all. That's one very good reason why he might deny it, because he doesn't believe you are serious about any consequences. What are your consequences, btw? Or do you just expect to go "Ta Da!" and then he gets all remorseful and starts toeing your line?
I started a thread a while ago on boundaries that might help.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html
I know it might not seem like it right now, and I can't even quite put into words the dynamic that this type of thing creates, but to me it is just another one of those boundary violations (on both sides, in fact) that means that the dance continues. I am sure that you are deadly serious about your reasoning for doing this, even if it just on a gut level, but what you are teaching him is that your burden of proof needs to be 100% rock solid before you take any action that threatens his lifestyle at all. That's one very good reason why he might deny it, because he doesn't believe you are serious about any consequences. What are your consequences, btw? Or do you just expect to go "Ta Da!" and then he gets all remorseful and starts toeing your line?
I started a thread a while ago on boundaries that might help.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
I have a breathalyser that I use to get tbxAH to blow into when he is to have the kids unsupervised.
he blows readings, I don't. He swears up and down that he hasn't been drinking. he never blows a reading on a wednesday straight after work, always on a weekend. The braethalyser clearly has a very specific pattern of not working, mystifying really. he registers a reading, I take the children away. He has cancelled seeing the children unsupervised 8 weekends in a row rather than risk a "false" reading, he comes to our house to see them instead, clearly intoxicated.
For me this is a useful tool to establish whether he is safe to have the children for a couple of hours. He hoodwinks me easily because I want to believe people when they look me in the eye and tell me something.
By the way Dgills a breathalyser can register a 1.0 or above if someone has RECENTLY had a drink, it is then measuring not only deep-lung alcohol content but also the residual alcohol content of saliva from the process of drinking it. The machines can't tell where the exhaled alcohol originates from and apply the same calculation to the whole lot. Alcohol content of deep lung breath is very small compared to BAC and is therefore multiplied by a large constant to approximate the BAC.
saliva content when you've just ahd a drink can be several orders higher than deep lung content, and when the same calculation is used on the lot, can look like you've drunk enough to kill an elephant.
The machine isn't faulty, he drank alcohol.
so now you now he really is telling lies, you cannot trust him. what are you going to do with that information?
he blows readings, I don't. He swears up and down that he hasn't been drinking. he never blows a reading on a wednesday straight after work, always on a weekend. The braethalyser clearly has a very specific pattern of not working, mystifying really. he registers a reading, I take the children away. He has cancelled seeing the children unsupervised 8 weekends in a row rather than risk a "false" reading, he comes to our house to see them instead, clearly intoxicated.
For me this is a useful tool to establish whether he is safe to have the children for a couple of hours. He hoodwinks me easily because I want to believe people when they look me in the eye and tell me something.
By the way Dgills a breathalyser can register a 1.0 or above if someone has RECENTLY had a drink, it is then measuring not only deep-lung alcohol content but also the residual alcohol content of saliva from the process of drinking it. The machines can't tell where the exhaled alcohol originates from and apply the same calculation to the whole lot. Alcohol content of deep lung breath is very small compared to BAC and is therefore multiplied by a large constant to approximate the BAC.
saliva content when you've just ahd a drink can be several orders higher than deep lung content, and when the same calculation is used on the lot, can look like you've drunk enough to kill an elephant.
The machine isn't faulty, he drank alcohol.
I ordered the breathalyzer as a way to see for myself (I have not been around a lot of drinking/drunk people) if he was really telling lies, as I cannot trust him.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South Africa
Posts: 330
Originally Posted by back2XR 
First, Im 3.5 months sober.
My girlfriend is the number 1 reason I quit drinking. She didn't like it, and I hurt her one night by drinking too much. I would often drink on my way home and hide it with gum. Id drink more beers than she knew about, even when she was home. Id pound a beer or two while she was in the shower. If I ran some where, id have a beer. She knew I drank alot, but doesn't know truely how bad it was. I didnt do this to hurt her, It was just me wanting a fix. I would never intentionally hurt her.
Sounds like you are battling a real alcoholic. Try not getting mad at him. He has a serious problem. Try encouragement, and be proud of him if when he doesn't drink. Trust me, it helps when someone is proud of you.
He is lying to you. The breath test is working. Sad that he has to do that, he has a problem. If you think you love each other now......wait till he is sober. It gets way way better. Keep on him if you really care.
My girlfriend is the number 1 reason I quit drinking. She didn't like it, and I hurt her one night by drinking too much. I would often drink on my way home and hide it with gum. Id drink more beers than she knew about, even when she was home. Id pound a beer or two while she was in the shower. If I ran some where, id have a beer. She knew I drank alot, but doesn't know truely how bad it was. I didnt do this to hurt her, It was just me wanting a fix. I would never intentionally hurt her.
Sounds like you are battling a real alcoholic. Try not getting mad at him. He has a serious problem. Try encouragement, and be proud of him if when he doesn't drink. Trust me, it helps when someone is proud of you.
He is lying to you. The breath test is working. Sad that he has to do that, he has a problem. If you think you love each other now......wait till he is sober. It gets way way better. Keep on him if you really care.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
if you have not been in an intimate (family, boyfriend) relationship with an addict, it's true, you dont know signs, can't recognize red flags as easily as those that have.
now you know.
your instincts knew all along.
this is what i want to point out:
you said that he had to blow and not register IN ORDER to be able to come into the apartment. either he had to stay out in the hall until he blew good, or you did allow him to come inside.
this is what i'd like you to work on:
think about what is unacceptable for you. it can be "If you wear red nail polish on your fingernails, I will not go out in public with you" it can be "If you have been drinking, you may I will not spend the evening with you, allow you to come in my home".
THEN you must stick to it.
say what you mean and mean what you say.
welcome to s/r.
now you know.
your instincts knew all along.
this is what i want to point out:
you said that he had to blow and not register IN ORDER to be able to come into the apartment. either he had to stay out in the hall until he blew good, or you did allow him to come inside.
this is what i'd like you to work on:
think about what is unacceptable for you. it can be "If you wear red nail polish on your fingernails, I will not go out in public with you" it can be "If you have been drinking, you may I will not spend the evening with you, allow you to come in my home".
THEN you must stick to it.
say what you mean and mean what you say.
welcome to s/r.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Originally Posted by dgillz
He did not blow a 1.0. Death typically occurs at .45 to .50 There has never been a case of a 1.0 Bac that I have heard of. .10 is what I believe you meant to post.
Other than this math correction, I cannot add anything to the advice you already have.
Other than this math correction, I cannot add anything to the advice you already have.
I too bought a breathalyzer but the AW refused to blow it or anything else LOL, as you can imagine by that point she was not being enabled by me.
The instructions stated you cannot blow right after a drink as the result is not accurate and it can damage the sensor. I think 30 minutes wait was about right.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 161
Originally Posted by freefalling
So not going to work for the most of us here. Lucky girlfriend you have.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 394
I am not surprised that some of us have gone to the length of buying an actual breathalyzer unit.
I know that I became so absolutely obsessed with proving that my A was lying, namely because, I think, that I had started to become convinced myself that I was losing my mind. I NEEDED to prove that my A was lying. Fueled by anxiety, great anxiety....whenever you live in a situation where there is cognitive dissonance like that....it will cause anxiety. I liken it to someone who has been psychologically tortured by the KGB or the CIA.
The anxiety is a bigtime symptom, because your body is telling you there's something not right here - you're mind feels like it's slipping and I believe it manifests itself in anxiety.
Straight up water-boarding would be less to take than the blatant denial and lying because at least there is something tangible that is hurting you. Once you go too far in the situation, the line between reality and fiction becomes increasingly blurred. Anxiety goes through the roof. Panic attacks. Bad sleep. Then you may even start drinking too much. (I know I started to escape to pub just a little too much myself last year)
I truly believe the worse the lies are, the more outlandish the drama....the more far along the disease has progressed.
Mine literally drummed me right out of her life with her behaviour, I would even say deliberately - I was railroaded. And yet if you call her on that, she won't even take ownership of that. No....not her fault, it's all mine for leaving and not giving her a chance. (Alkie talk for, "he wouldn't take anymore of my crap).
Then the demonization begins. Which means nothing has changed.
I know that I became so absolutely obsessed with proving that my A was lying, namely because, I think, that I had started to become convinced myself that I was losing my mind. I NEEDED to prove that my A was lying. Fueled by anxiety, great anxiety....whenever you live in a situation where there is cognitive dissonance like that....it will cause anxiety. I liken it to someone who has been psychologically tortured by the KGB or the CIA.
The anxiety is a bigtime symptom, because your body is telling you there's something not right here - you're mind feels like it's slipping and I believe it manifests itself in anxiety.
Straight up water-boarding would be less to take than the blatant denial and lying because at least there is something tangible that is hurting you. Once you go too far in the situation, the line between reality and fiction becomes increasingly blurred. Anxiety goes through the roof. Panic attacks. Bad sleep. Then you may even start drinking too much. (I know I started to escape to pub just a little too much myself last year)
I truly believe the worse the lies are, the more outlandish the drama....the more far along the disease has progressed.
Mine literally drummed me right out of her life with her behaviour, I would even say deliberately - I was railroaded. And yet if you call her on that, she won't even take ownership of that. No....not her fault, it's all mine for leaving and not giving her a chance. (Alkie talk for, "he wouldn't take anymore of my crap).
Then the demonization begins. Which means nothing has changed.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
One of the last few posts was interesting: I can see the reason for using a breathalyzer if children are in the picture.
An alcoholic boyfriend? I think you've gotten some great feedback here: along the lines of is it really worth it?
I also cannot believe he used it! I would have said "no way!" I would have been out the door running from a breathalyzer!
An alcoholic boyfriend? I think you've gotten some great feedback here: along the lines of is it really worth it?
I also cannot believe he used it! I would have said "no way!" I would have been out the door running from a breathalyzer!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
I am waiting for my eyebrows to come back down to where they belong, just above my eyes.....not somewhere in my hair.
They shot clean off my face, my eyes popped, my mouth gaped and my jaw dropped when I saw your bf's supposed BAC as 1.0.
I used to have a machine at a men's hostel, for those under court orders not to drink, and some of the excuses used for trying to avoid being tested were humdingers, as were the "reasons" given for positive readings.
I never needed a breath test on rabf when drinking, as his voice changed after 2 pots of beer, and he very seldom stopped drinking until he was obviously drunk.
I wouldn't waste my time or energy on a drinking liar, let alone go thru the hassles of testing him. If this is some new form of romance or dating, I am thankful to be out of the ways of it all.
God bless
They shot clean off my face, my eyes popped, my mouth gaped and my jaw dropped when I saw your bf's supposed BAC as 1.0.
I used to have a machine at a men's hostel, for those under court orders not to drink, and some of the excuses used for trying to avoid being tested were humdingers, as were the "reasons" given for positive readings.
I never needed a breath test on rabf when drinking, as his voice changed after 2 pots of beer, and he very seldom stopped drinking until he was obviously drunk.
I wouldn't waste my time or energy on a drinking liar, let alone go thru the hassles of testing him. If this is some new form of romance or dating, I am thankful to be out of the ways of it all.
God bless
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
being contstantly lied to by someone I loved ended up with me questioning my entire perception of reality. I believed that I couldn't trust my senses, or my memory, or my instinct or my reasoning. Even now I hesitate when I talk to people other than tbxah about conversations I recall or my perceptions of a situation.
I *needed* proof of the lies. of course it would have been better if I had been able to recognise that any relationship where I don't trust someone to that extent is extremely unhealthy, and I would have been wise to get out and try and heal outside of it, that it didn't matter whether the trust was not there because a) he was lying or b) I was extremely mistrustful. either way it wasn't working.
I couldn't do that though, not wouldn't, couldn't. I wasn't in a place where I could process that, I simply didn't understand it, a bit like calculus, I can apply formulas, parrot-fashion, but I don't get it on any real level, I could parrot, "trust your instincts" etc but my brain was in a chaotic swirl and I frankley by the end I didn't have instincts.
so yes, I understand the need to have your perceptions validated.
and of course he blows into it. That is the dynamic of your relationship. Think about that. He KNOWS that he has drunk alcohol and will show a reading, but instead of refusing, he thinks he stands a better chance of getting through the situation looking rosy by manipulating your sense of reality, he knows he can confuse you out of this sure-fire proof. his path of least resistance is to mess with your head, leaving you questioning your sanity.
think about that sweetheart. Is that a kind way to treat someone? would you casually do that to someone you met in the street? what about someone you profess to like or love?
I have no time for liars, lying isn't a benign act, especially if the person lied to beleives the liar. Turns out I am a pretty good judge of people and situations, I don't hurt and offend people with my clumsy social awkwardness as I'd been led to believe, I am kind and good. I bet you are too. coming here and reaching out is a brilliant move, perhaps you could try now to spend some time thinking not about him and his behaviour and drinking, but about what you want out of life (ignoring him and his behaviour for now) just what your hopes and dreams are.
what can you tell me about you?
I *needed* proof of the lies. of course it would have been better if I had been able to recognise that any relationship where I don't trust someone to that extent is extremely unhealthy, and I would have been wise to get out and try and heal outside of it, that it didn't matter whether the trust was not there because a) he was lying or b) I was extremely mistrustful. either way it wasn't working.
I couldn't do that though, not wouldn't, couldn't. I wasn't in a place where I could process that, I simply didn't understand it, a bit like calculus, I can apply formulas, parrot-fashion, but I don't get it on any real level, I could parrot, "trust your instincts" etc but my brain was in a chaotic swirl and I frankley by the end I didn't have instincts.
so yes, I understand the need to have your perceptions validated.
and of course he blows into it. That is the dynamic of your relationship. Think about that. He KNOWS that he has drunk alcohol and will show a reading, but instead of refusing, he thinks he stands a better chance of getting through the situation looking rosy by manipulating your sense of reality, he knows he can confuse you out of this sure-fire proof. his path of least resistance is to mess with your head, leaving you questioning your sanity.
think about that sweetheart. Is that a kind way to treat someone? would you casually do that to someone you met in the street? what about someone you profess to like or love?
I have no time for liars, lying isn't a benign act, especially if the person lied to beleives the liar. Turns out I am a pretty good judge of people and situations, I don't hurt and offend people with my clumsy social awkwardness as I'd been led to believe, I am kind and good. I bet you are too. coming here and reaching out is a brilliant move, perhaps you could try now to spend some time thinking not about him and his behaviour and drinking, but about what you want out of life (ignoring him and his behaviour for now) just what your hopes and dreams are.
what can you tell me about you?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I'm done raising kids.
That means I don't get involved with people I have to babysit, which includes drug-testing, breathalizers, asking 20 questions, etc.
I much prefer mature, responsible adults to keep company with.
It's a wonderful way to live.
That means I don't get involved with people I have to babysit, which includes drug-testing, breathalizers, asking 20 questions, etc.
I much prefer mature, responsible adults to keep company with.
It's a wonderful way to live.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Originally Posted by JenT1968
being contstantly lied to by someone I loved ended up with me questioning my entire perception of reality. I believed that I couldn't trust my senses, or my memory, or my instinct or my reasoning. Even now I hesitate when I talk to people other than tbxah about conversations I recall or my perceptions of a situation.
I *needed* proof of the lies. of course it would have been better if I had been able to recognise that any relationship where I don't trust someone to that extent is extremely unhealthy, and I would have been wise to get out and try and heal outside of it, that it didn't matter whether the trust was not there because a) he was lying or b) I was extremely mistrustful. either way it wasn't working.
I couldn't do that though, not wouldn't, couldn't. I wasn't in a place where I could process that, I simply didn't understand it, a bit like calculus, I can apply formulas, parrot-fashion, but I don't get it on any real level, I could parrot, "trust your instincts" etc but my brain was in a chaotic swirl and I frankley by the end I didn't have instincts.
so yes, I understand the need to have your perceptions validated.
and of course he blows into it. That is the dynamic of your relationship. Think about that. He KNOWS that he has drunk alcohol and will show a reading, but instead of refusing, he thinks he stands a better chance of getting through the situation looking rosy by manipulating your sense of reality, he knows he can confuse you out of this sure-fire proof. his path of least resistance is to mess with your head, leaving you questioning your sanity.
think about that sweetheart. Is that a kind way to treat someone? would you casually do that to someone you met in the street? what about someone you profess to like or love?
I have no time for liars, lying isn't a benign act, especially if the person lied to beleives the liar. Turns out I am a pretty good judge of people and situations, I don't hurt and offend people with my clumsy social awkwardness as I'd been led to believe, I am kind and good. I bet you are too. coming here and reaching out is a brilliant move, perhaps you could try now to spend some time thinking not about him and his behaviour and drinking, but about what you want out of life (ignoring him and his behaviour for now) just what your hopes and dreams are.
what can you tell me about you?
I *needed* proof of the lies. of course it would have been better if I had been able to recognise that any relationship where I don't trust someone to that extent is extremely unhealthy, and I would have been wise to get out and try and heal outside of it, that it didn't matter whether the trust was not there because a) he was lying or b) I was extremely mistrustful. either way it wasn't working.
I couldn't do that though, not wouldn't, couldn't. I wasn't in a place where I could process that, I simply didn't understand it, a bit like calculus, I can apply formulas, parrot-fashion, but I don't get it on any real level, I could parrot, "trust your instincts" etc but my brain was in a chaotic swirl and I frankley by the end I didn't have instincts.
so yes, I understand the need to have your perceptions validated.
and of course he blows into it. That is the dynamic of your relationship. Think about that. He KNOWS that he has drunk alcohol and will show a reading, but instead of refusing, he thinks he stands a better chance of getting through the situation looking rosy by manipulating your sense of reality, he knows he can confuse you out of this sure-fire proof. his path of least resistance is to mess with your head, leaving you questioning your sanity.
think about that sweetheart. Is that a kind way to treat someone? would you casually do that to someone you met in the street? what about someone you profess to like or love?
I have no time for liars, lying isn't a benign act, especially if the person lied to beleives the liar. Turns out I am a pretty good judge of people and situations, I don't hurt and offend people with my clumsy social awkwardness as I'd been led to believe, I am kind and good. I bet you are too. coming here and reaching out is a brilliant move, perhaps you could try now to spend some time thinking not about him and his behaviour and drinking, but about what you want out of life (ignoring him and his behaviour for now) just what your hopes and dreams are.
what can you tell me about you?
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