transformyself

I now know why I have lived in this fight or flight mode for most of my life, but it doesn't make changing it any better.

The kids and I arrived home at midnight last night, after saying goodbye to my sister and nephew, to find all three chihuahuas in the front yard. Waiting. I think they escaped out the garage door, which was left open and doesn't latch. What did they do alone, outside for 6 hours? Did they terrorize everyone who walked by, barking furiously like a pack of rabid shrinky dinks? What the hell? I was so glad they were all ok.

Today, at about 11am, this d1ckhead on a huge, decked out motorcycle parked in my yard and pounded on my door, "Is there a reason why your car door is wide open?" he demanded?

I went outside right away, followed him and yes one of the kids left the door open. "We've been going around it all morning, buses and cars." The guy said as he walked back to his motorcycle. I was following him, apologizing but he was such a freaking a$$hole about it.

I recently moved into this neighborhood and all though I"m grateful for the lower crime index in my town, it is FULL of elitist jerks. At least in my last town, we saw and were kind to each other. Yes, sometimes we robbed each other, but in my 6 plus years there I never had anyone treat me like a piece of crap, like these people. I've had neighbors comment on the state of my roof, but the freaking house in in foreclosure-my landlord isnt' about to reroof the house, she's in foreclosure. So I"m the sore spot in these peoples perfect world. I"m so angry right now. It's taking everything I have to not drive around the corner, find out where he lives and camp out on his lawn drinking 40's and throwing them at him....

suki44883

You can't control other people, but you can control how you react to them, even when they are jerks. Sounds like you'll be moving fairly soon anyway if the house is in foreclosure. Scream into a pillow and then go on about your day.

transformyself

Well I've been processing this. Yes, I have been compairing myself and assume I know what they think of me. Hate to admit it but it's true. My first boyfriend ever told me last week about a girl in our high school who said to him at a Halloween part, in 1983, "You know, Transform doesn't have to dress like a prostitute. We all know she is anyway." I wanted to find her and fight with her too.

At least I'm aware of it. It's all new to me, like somehow my eyes have been opened. People aren't out to get me (not usually. I think. ) but I operate in fight or flight mode. Period.

The freaky thing is realizing how much PTSD has controlled my life-even in ways I didn't know before. My intense reaction-it's part of the hypervigilence and watching for threats. This guy was very threatening, he parked his motorcycle ON MY YARD and then POUNDED ON MY DOOR. To me, someone who can totally operate from the perspective of having to save my own and my childrens lives--that is a very serious problem.

At least I can see it now, like I said. And be the grown up and tell myself that I"m safe, my kids are safe, that guy isn't going to hurt us because he knows where we live, I just need to get on with my day. Like Suki said.

We made jokes about that guy, the kids and I. That helped too..

I have also been scanning rooms when I enter them lately, just to make sure there are no threats.

My next session is Thursday. We'll see what she has to say about this..

And Anvil, moving again is always in the back of my mind. I struggle with it daily, knowing we have to go. It for sure produces a fair amount of stress..

Bolina

I understand about they hypervigilence thing, transform. I have never been in a physically violent situation, however life with my ex was emotionally violent and my perception of the threat he posed after I left (5 years ago now) has left me very jumpy in certain situations. Quite inoccuous ones, too, which always surprises me. It is (or was) perfectly rational - he is not a particularly stable character and most women who are hurt come to harm via the hand of their current or former partners. We have that fight or flight (I have both) reaction for a very good reason, it just becomes distorted sometimes. I have no answers, but just wanted to empathize.

BTW, why didn't any of those people (supposedly) complaining about your car door just shut it?

ItsmeAlice

I'd feel a bit sorry for the guy. Acting all tough on his bike, but he's just a crybaby.

How big a weeny do you have to be to take the time to go up to someone's door and ask about an open car door blocking traffic??? Just close the freakin' car door and drive on.

It sounds to me like the one with the anger problem who just wanted a small issue to blow off steam over is the biker.

People who go out of their way like that make no sense to me. It would have looked better on him if he closed it for you (even if he still felt the need to tell you about his charitable act), and if he actually thought there was something amiss that caused it to be open then he could have come up to the house out of concern, not malice.

He's a waste of space, transform. I agree. You and the kids just shrug it off and keep on movin' on.

Alice

transformyself

Thanks everybody.

My 8 year old told me, "Mom, whenever me and Tyler ride our bikes outside, that same guy is riding his motorcycle, and he always glares at us like we're doing something wrong. I bet he's never smiled a day in his whole life. OR laughed."

So that gave me the opportunity to talk about a number of esoteric topics; self esteem, how we treat others, how we can choose to respond to jerkoffs, etc. I feel a heck of a lot better right now than I did when it happened. Thanks again!

And Anvil-if you can make magic out of nothing I'd love help with moving. I"m going to start saving money next month to move out. While my sister was here, Friday morning, my tire snapped off my little Mazda. Right in the driveway as I was pulling in. That was an all day, $350 fiasco. And I start traveling a week from tomorrow for 10 days so that'll suck my budget dry.

ElegantlyWasted

Fight baby, fight. Flight was what always got me in trouble, wether escaping in a Steele or just avoiding crap I didn't want to deal with. Fight smart and everything will be amazing.

Freedom1990

I've lived in the same house now since 1995. The landlord is known as a slumlord locally, though my house was pretty nice when I moved in.

With minimal expense and effort for maintenance/repairs on his part, it's going to hell. The outside looks nice now because he finally got that painted last year.

He owns most of the houses on my block. The majority are rented out to alkie/addict transients.

I went through a period where I was miserable living where I do. I haven't been in the position to move for some time.

Then one night for some reason I got on youtube and started watching documentaries on homeless people in this country.

There are children living in shelters with their parents, and no place to call home.

Do you and your children have a roof over your heads?

There are thousands of babies/children that starve to death every day in this world.

Do you and your children get to eat every day?

Go to youtube and find a documentary on living in the Appalachians, where the only means of support is working in the coal mines. There are people who live with no electricity and no running water.

Do you have electricity and running water?

Go to the website for St. Jude's hospital and read about the kids who are dying of cancer. I can't even begin to imagine a parent's anguish of having a child who is terminally ill.

Are your kids healthy?

The suffering that goes on in this country, this world, every day, that I don't see personally, makes my stuff look like chump change.

Maybe it's time for you to make out a gratitude list, seriously.

transformyself

Freedom, I have a gratitude list for things like running water and a roof over my head every day.

I do have one child with special needs. I have lived in a car. I have relatives and friends who live in abject poverty; no running water, live in mold filled houses on the rez, go to the outhouse in 40 below weather, and all the teenagers have cancer rates 27% higher than the national average due to leaking uranium slag piles left after billion dollar energy companies mine the uranium from the Earth but aren't required to clean up after themselves. And if you have time, I can tell you about my childhood and the thousand reasons I'm grateful I survived.

I'm just trying to process why I operate in this way. Dig out and fix my issues at the source. Use that in partnership with my other tools of recovery.