Kittyboo

Part of me still thinks it would help him, but would it help me? Probably not.

Not "probably not".... flat out NO.

Whatever you choose, I wish you luck and the very best.

suki44883

It wouldn't help him either. He'd still drink but try to hide it from you, which in all likelihood wouldn't work. You'd be fighting all the time about his drinking. You would both be miserable. Even more miserable than you are now.

iwantcontrol

Thanks. I can see it was a silly idea. Sometimes I just need to run them by someone to realise that.

Summerpeach

When I was with my ex from many years back, and I knew nothing about the severity of addictions, he was going to move in and I wanted him to. Then he backed out. I thought him living with me would help with his issues. Phew, did I dodge a bullet.
I've lived alone for a long time and will more than likely never live with anyone else again, addict or non addict.

And Kitty, your ex throwing that sh*t in your face was diabolical. My BF is not that low, though his ways of emotional abuse are much more subtle. None the less, still planned out as a course to hurt me.
I do see this in non addict relationships as well though.
It's a simpel case of when people hurt, they want to bring the good in their life down with them.
The thing with addictive mind though, is they lash out like kids. Seriously, like kids!
Not sure why it always stuns me, but it does

Summerpeach

IWANT: yeah, bad idea to live with him. It will take 15 yrs off your life span, not to mention give your body/mind a breeding ground for illness.
There is nothing pleasant about living with a broken human, NOTHING!

naive

iwant-

adding my voice to those who are advising against moving him into your house.

imagine sharing a house with someone who lies around all day, unwilling to get help or a job. imagine who will buy the food, the toothpaste, do the laundry.

me and my xABF went out for three years before we moved in together. once we did, i got the full dose of his addiction, his depression, his financial irresponsibility, his rage, his drunken mistakes.

do you want to know what it feels like to try to go to sleep while a drunk is cooking? will they turn off the cooker? will they fall asleep with the chips frying in oil? will they leave the faucet running by mistake?


believe me, don't move him in!

LaTeeDa

It seems you're still trying to figure out what YOU can DO to change him. Still trying to cast him in the role you see him playing, while he's not even interested in reading the script.

If you even think for a second that moving him in with you will change him, I'm afraid you have much more pain yet to experience. I'm so sorry.

L

FormerDoormat

For anyone who thinks living with an active alcoholic is difficult and heart-wrenching, try watching one die. There are many of us here who have experienced this, and I don't recommend it to anyone.

I know you will figure this out in your own time and I hope you take the time to think out your plan of one day living with him very carefully. Your health, happiness, and life depends on it. It's that big a decision. Best of luck to you.

iwantcontrol

So, he’s seen his alcohol counsellor for the first time in weeks I think and he says he’s going to have a few days on his own sober before he sees me in future. He is trying to work out whether he is alcohol dependent or whether he just drinks to mask his feelings – I tried to point out that he’s attempted staying sober a million times and can’t so that must tell him something. I tried not to say too much else it would cause an argument. Also, it doesn’t really matter which it is – his drinking is a problem. I told him the other day that I want to be with him but the alcohol is getting in the way, so that if it doesn’t improve we will be over. He’s claimed that he can stop and will do (!!). Guess I’ll wait and see.

I’m trying not to worry about whether he is drinking or not, and just deal with the outcome in a few weeks. If he’s not improved or entered rehab or similar then I’ll know it will never improve. It seems so sad to have to leave him alone to drink himself to death, but he isn’t my responsibility. I can’t keep investing all my time and energy into someone who does hardly anything to get better themselves (and to be fair, does hardly anything at all). He is making all the right noises about getting back to work and dealing with his health and issues, but I’m more wary this time and am not expecting miracles. I am judging him by his actions this time, not his words. I so want everything to work out and be OK. I don’t know how to let go of that just yet.

The break has changed a bit but we still aren't speaking as much as before, and I dont know about seeing each other yet. He wants to have a few days sober before seeing me anyway, so god knows how long that will take to happen. I cant remember the last time he had 3 days in a row sober without seeing me.

coffeedrinker

honey, all i care about in this situation, is you, and that you continue trying to take care of yourself.

your abf sounds a lot like my xabf. he talked the talk, and often would start something - like getting a job - in motion, would get excited and have more energy, and i would think "yes! this is gonna propel him to a higher level". what i finally learned, is that he WOULD feel that way at the time, he WOULD want to get better, and start doing more things, he WOULD want to continue going to meetings, etc. but at the end of the day, his self-destruction would always get the better of him.

when i started understanding that it wasn't about just being sober, or about just having good intentions, it was about MY LIFE and how i wanted it to be, and to feel......that was the day i really started to break free.

he's got a long road ahead of him.

(and just a thought: if he comes around and says he got that stink of sobriety, um...do you believe him?)

iwantcontrol

coffeedrinker - thanks, i always value your opinion. I have to admit i've already questioned his sobriety in the last few days. Dont know whether i'd always be suspicious even if he managed it for a while.

wanting

This, to me, is one of the most demeaning and degrading ways that we codependents think about our alcoholic loved ones. Do you think that he's going to be lost without you, that you are the only one who can save him? He's a grown man, perfectly capable of saving himself, if he chooses that route. Save *yourself*!!!

LaTeeDa

I totally agree. For years, I treated my AH as if he was incapable of being a functioning adult in society. And, not surprisingly, after a while he became just that. To me, this is the most insidious form of enabling. To take away another person's rights and responsibilities by "taking over for them." And the irony of that is, you can end up "loving them to death."

L

iwantcontrol

i just mean that he'll be alone without a partner who loves him

LaTeeDa

And, that may well be his path. It may be that he needs that experience to reach his bottom. Ultimately, there is no way to know what's best for someone else.

My therapist helped me understand that often my fears for my A were projections of my own fears. Could this be the case here? Is it really about your fear of being alone?

L

gerryP

Iwant,

When I was at the middle and end of my drinking, I was thrilled that I didn't have anyone bugging me. I didn't care that everyone had given up and left me alone. I was happy to have me, myself and I for the party of three. Afterall, I didn't think my alcohol abuse was that bad, it was bad I thought but not as bad as everyone else thought, such drama queens and if I died because of it and alone, so be it. Screw them all.

gerryP

I was going to mention also and I ask this with compassion Iwant....Is it possible that this is more about 'you' than about your boyfriend? You did say earlier that you wanted to have children and you were getting older.

Summerpeach

By boyfriend is in recovery and he still feels this way.

I believe this feeling doesn't go away once the drink stops, but only once the spritual healing begins.

Thanks for sharing

IWANT: maybe instead of saying "It seems so sad to have to leave him alone to drink himself to death"

Say "it seems so sad to have to leave him alone to drink himself to possible recovery"
When we leave them alone, they are allowed on their own to find their bottom and many times, recovery.
It seems harsh to see someone suffer and not be able to help, but leaving them alone is helping.
It's the hard part of unconditional love.
And I need to add, you've been doing a great job at keeping the focus on you. I know it's hard and you're really trying.
You'll make it :-)

gerryP

Apologies for answering to a hijack, but SP I for one do not feel that way because I am not drinking any longer and therefore am not needing the alone time in which to do so. I also do not agree that all alcoholics are cookie cutter, therefore, spiritual healing is not what always needs to take place. Therapy worked for me.

skope

IWC, how's it going?

Hope you don't mind me asking.